Goodbye 2011

The winds of change blew through my tree and rustled every leaf on every limb this year! My 2011 went a little like this. I felt as though I lost my own personal identity in many ways, became a little more complacent in some ways, lost my mind a few times, watched some things fall apart that were not my doing, and lost some of my caring along the way. On a more positive note I started trying to scratch off each one of my attitudes and feelings above. I began going to school to become a professional massage therapist. I started learning who I am again. Began to learn that complacency doesnt get me anywhere and I want to move! Got a diagnosis of sorts from the doctor regarding my son....apparently we have Aspergers Autism, he is a high functioning autistic (thank God), but still brings me to this thought...."I hate Autism". I hate the fact that he has a label on him now. I hate the fact that he can't control him actions or himself. I hate that it seems to be robbing him of life, of friends, of self-worth and confidence. He knows something is wrong. As for the things that fell apart, well, God is in control of that situation as well. It sure made me open my eyes and see some things, things that I was blinded to, things you couldn't see unless you were on the outside looking in again.. Not sure what God's plan is for me in 2012, but one thing is for certain - He's got it covered. The healing process began in a lot of ways for me this year - relationships with family/hubby/and so called friends. Began working on my friendship with my mom. We've had a rough almost 2 years. It's just not been the same since she became even more ill and started on dialysis. I have been gaining some of desire and the want to, to restrengthen this mother/daughter bond. The relationship I need to rebuild the most is the only one that counts - my relationship with God. It has foundered somewhat because I spent most of 2011 in being angry, hurt and confused. I never left God and I know he never left me. But I let others drive me out of fellowship at my church and I got to the point where I just didn't care anymore to be there. We, as a people, don't understand the impact we have on others by the things we say and do. I know they aren't perfect and neither am I. My relationship/fellowship with God is more important than any "person". I love my Lord.

Goodbye 2011, it was nice knowing ya! Looking forward to 2012, a new and better year filled with happiness and joy and fresh starts!

Let EVERYTHING that has breath PRAISE the LORD! Psalm 150:6

Diving into something new

I am at the halfway point of being done with school! So excited to have made it this far and on the honor roll!

I'm tired of being.......

Surprise Surprise Surprise

And yet again, God just blows my socks off! My puny little mind just can't seem to grasp just how great and awesome He is, and I'm GLAD! Cause He surprises me A LOT and I love sneaky surprises!!! I am extremely appreciative!! We've been on a very limited means lately. I hate being broke, it really brings me down, even though I KNOW God is going to take care of us, I still worry sometimes on the "how" of it all. Today I decided I'd better balance the book, and I found a $500+ surprise. Apparently I miscalculated somewhere way back in my checkbook. But glory be to my awesome God, He provided for us in an unexpected way, yet again! =) Thank you Jesus for your provision. My God never fails.

He causes us to remember his wonderful works. How gracious and merciful is our Lord! - Psalm 111:4

Just a little crabby

Been very busy lately with.... LIFE. I started school 3 weeks ago. It's going very well. I am really enjoying meeting a few new people and learning a bunch of new things. My grades are pretty good... I currently have an A average, so I'm super happy about that! I can't wait to actually get out there and make a living of some sort. Self-employment will be lots of fun, again. The only downside to things right now is that I am going to school at night, and I miss my kids. When school starts it'll be even more so, cause I wont see them for very long before I leave for school. I am still trying to decide if I am going to days or not. I have that option, but not sure if I should do it or not. It will complicate other things if I do, shoot, it complicates things if I don't. ♥

Woke this morning and decided that we'd go to the beach. Not a typical Sunday morning for us, but the Lord is always with us, no matter where we are. Listening to the waves crash onto the shore, kids laughing, the sun kissing my skin. A little friend of Ian's caught a tiny little crab, he was so cute... Ian's words were "oh, it's so beautiful! Can we keep it??" By the time it was all over with Ian released him back into the sea so he could live. I was glad he let it go. He has a tendency to keep things...usually live things, and put them in baggies. It was a nice day and Ian saved a life. ♥

I've learned that apparently when you let go and let God, he actually does the letting. ♥

MIssing in action

Well, it's been a little while since I've blogged. I have such a bad habit of doing things one way and then just switch it up right in the middle. So, I have been handwriting in my journal again. I'm going to have fun one day trying to get all my journaling in order by date, but at least it's dated. I've had many personal things to journal about and I didn't feel it was appropriate to share with "everyone" on the internet. Things are finally looking up and working for the good. I've had a lot of emotional issues I've been dealing with. I've finally let go and let God do His thing without me interfering. It's been several situations that I had no control over and I wasn't sure how to deal with them. So I just began to let those things consume and control me, my thoughts and my actions, eventually those things will lead to some consequences that I don't want to deal with. So it was time to "drop the ball". I have to quit eating with it, sleeping with it and trying to drink around it. I do know this one thing for sure, God has a plan for me! God is good, even when I'm not.

Harry the turtle

This morning I popped my eyes open and on a whim made the decision that we needed to go to the beach. So, we packed and we left. It was a nice day. We got there about 9:15. It was cool and windy and I was beginning this think that maybe it wasnt such a good idea to go to the beach and just freeze. But it got a little warmer and then a little warmer. The sky was clear and the waves were crazy. The sound of the crashing waves was so wonderful. One of my favorite sounds - listening to the oceanwaves come rushing hurriedly towards the beach and crashing onto the shore. It's a most beautiful sound, right next to the sound of laughter coming from my children. Midgee and Rustle made a turtle out of the sand and Ian thought it best that the turtle be covered in seaweed - he looked like a hairy turtle (aka Harry the turtle). The morning went pretty well. There wasnt hardly anyone on the beach when we got there. It was GREAT! By the time we left it still wasnt too bad... families with little guys/gals. I enjoyed the day a lot.

My Midgee made the "demand" that we go to mitcher goff (aka miniature golf). We were going anyway. We stopped off at Sonic and grabbed some grub and headed off to "mitcher goff". Jerbie got ahold of my grape slush and decided he really liked it. I started out well and then, well, I started sucking! So I just gave up about the 14th hole. I really didnt want to play anyway. Anywho, we wrapped up the game and headed home. Got home and started cleaning up. The boys discovered that the yard sprinkler was hooked up in the backyard and that it was playtime again. So they played while we got the "stuff" put up. Showers/baths done. Relaxing now and watching Ghostbusters =) Always a favorite for movie night.

Last night we took the boys out to dinner at Outback, cause my Midgee needs his cheese fries. Then we took them to see Rio. Very cute movie. I rate it 5 stars for family friendliness. I really enjoyed it, way more than I thought I would. Looking forward to buying it comes out.

I am super excited to report that I have made the decision to start school on July 13th. On my way!! It has moved my graduation date up and I am super happy about that too. I have a goal with a date attached to it. I haven't been to school in so long, it'll be like a kid beginning kindergarten. Nervous but very excited.

Thank you Lord, for the day and the family you have blessed me with.

A lone tree

Well, yesterday was a pretty good day... for ME. I can't say that it was for the other members of my family. Hubby was a crabby patty yesterday. He wakes up this morning telling me that his teeth hurt, I said "it would have been easier to tell me that yesterday".... Then I wouldn't have to wonder what he was so grouchy about. I have a quilt bee meeting with my quilting friends today. Excited about that. I love their company and the fellowship with them. I am making some fresh bread for them this morning. Yea! Therapy!


You know I was really touched the other day, I got an email from a friend of mine, Fletcher, who is going through a tough time. I had painted this piece:


In an email he told me that is spoke so loudly to him, that he felt like that lone tree standing there. I thought it was the neatest compliment that I created a piece of art that spoke to someone. To quote him - "Man that pic spoke volumes to me! Its like I felt like a lone tree and there it was!!" - I thought it was so sweet. He even made it his profile picture on Facebook!


Lord, I give this day to you and all the days coming, I pray for your hand and blessing on each of these days. I pray you would go before me and guide each step I take.

Boom Boom Pow!

This morning began with a big BOOM! I don't and probably never will understand why my children decide to push every button I have before 7am! I am just beside myself, again, with these 2 turkeys. I would love a nice quiet morning, without chaos. A peaceful morning with a hot cup of coffee. I know they are kids and they are going to outgrow this crap at some point.

A life altering bomb was dropped a couple of weeks ago on someone close to me. I found out about it today, it's a devastating blow and confirms the suspicions I've had all along. I am so sad for him and the changes that are taking place in his life. I love you bubba and I'm here for you.

I had an appointment with a school in Houston, to become a Massage Therapist. I met with a nice young man who gave me a tour and explained everything to me. I got all the information I needed and I headed out. It looks like a promising place. I'm excited about it. And I will graduate in 7-1/2 months! I can begin doing whatever I need to do. I am so ready to take this next step in my life. One more goal that's within my reach. I love school. Praying this is the right move for me to make.

Got the boys from school and come to find out that my youngest son had a rough day at school and got yet another demerit. I don't know what's going on with him. He is going through this independence thing. He's got to learn to understand that there are rules in life and that you can't just say whatever you want to, to whomever you want. He's so disrespectful.

Came home to a financial blessing in the mailbox, thank you Lord for your provision and taking care of us. You are faithful even when I am not. Aside from all the craziness and challenges of this day, I thank you for the day Lord, and thank you for taking care of us.

Love, your babygirl

May 1, 2011

It's been a pretty productive weekend. Pretty much stayed home all weekend. It was nice, but busy. Got my big boys bedroom patched, textured, primed and painted. Got it all put back together and it looks good. Moved my little guy in the room with him, they like being together .... for now. I began moving all my art goodies into my little guys room, so now it's mine.... for now. I look forward to being able to do some quilting without actually having to clean up all my stuff (I normally sew at the kitchen table). I was beginning to think that I was going to go crazy with stuff being strewn all throughout this house....I can't stand clutter/mess. It overwhelms me. So today, I played hookie from church, stayed home and cleaned up my house! Much better! Then in the middle of laundry, my dryer decides to crap out on me, it tumbles, but it doesn't heat anymore (again!). Oh well, it figures. It's always something. Guess I'll either be dryer shopping or looking for another thermostat. Seriously need to just get it fixed since it's cheaper. I don't need a new bill.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to meet with a school in Houston, so I can start my way to becoming a Licensed Massage Therapist (LMT). I'm excited to take this step and do something with my life. I've never gone to college, so I am a little nervous. I had a job for 14 years and I thought that I'd retire from there, so there was no need for me to attend college. I ended up resigning so that I could be a mom at home with my boys. Now it's time for me to do something else. I've been home for 4 years, doesn't seem that long, but it has been. I'm ready for a change.

According to the news on EVERY channel tonight: Osama Bin Laden is dead. So sad that he has done what he has to the USA and all the lives that have been lost because of him. Even sadder that he didn't know Jesus Christ. As a Christian, we shouldnt be happy that anyone is burning in hell. I am not responsible for the loss of lives, like he was, but in God's eyes - sin is sin is sin, no matter the size. WE are the ones who measure sin. It's bittersweet and looks like justice has been served. I pray for the families who have lost loved ones at the hands of this man.

A freshly baked blog post

Homemade breads - done and yummy! So glad that everyone likes it. I finally figured out how to make bread and I have to say that I am pretty proud of myself. I feel like I have accomplished something. I can actually wear that label of "Baker" LOL :) I have successfully made 4 batches of 2 loaves of bread and 1 super failed batch of 4 loaves (for church bakesale)! Got my water too hot and so my little yeast guys were screaming and died....causing my bread, NOT to rise :( I kinda sucked. I got up at 4am just to make sure they were fresh made for church that morning. Oh well, I'm still learning. Tonights bread was a regular loaf and the other was cinnamon and brown sugar. Yummy! I have previously made orange cranberry bread, it was pretty good too.

Life is still crazy and has it's share of ups and downs. Some days are better than others. We are still working on getting my big boy straightened out with meds. Hoping and praying that these are working for him and since I am not at school with him during the day, I am not sure how well that is working out. Worried about his TAKS testing next week... God please guide him through these tests. He really needs to do well on them.

Personally, I am still not sure on the decisions that I need to make. I am afraid of the way I feel. I also feel that I am not useable by God because of the feelings and thoughts that I have. I know that anyone can be used by the Lord. I just feel like I am not a good witness, although the Lord knows where my heart is. Of course, He also knows exactly what will happen with this life has given me. I just wish he would clue me in a little. I still have to make some choices and I need all the guidance He can give!

Aspergers anyone?

We officially have a diagnosis now.... Aspergers Syndrome, which falls under the umbrella of Autism. As least now we know what we are dealing with. He has a high-functioning form of Aspergers. He can't relate too well socially, he has trouble with repetition and obsessiveness. He gets stuck on one thing and can't get it out of his head, until he's ready. He is beginning to realize, and it makes me so brokenhearted for him, that he doesn't have any friends. I wish things were easier for him. I am just now beginning to take the steps to see what kind of help I can get for him. Right now I just feel like someone took my lego starship apart, put all the pieces in a box and violently shook them all up! I've been able to put a few pieces together, that's a start. Praying for God's guidance with all of this.

Keep your thoughts to yourself

Along with the added stress of other things happening in my life, I am still trying to figure out the best way to help my child manage/overcome/handle his ADHD. Here we sit again, trying to figure out what med or other changes will be the best for him. Today we are heading back to the doctor again. The sooner we can get his figured out the better off we'll be. I hate having to try him on all these different medications. I seriously would love the Lord to guide us to the right treatment. This is getting old already. It is affecting every part of our life. Home, school and church are all affected by this. I get tired of complaining about him, I get tired of hearing teachers and principals complaining about him, I get tired of hearing his teachers at church complaining about him. It kills me that he has such problems at school making friends because of his ways. Most of them complain that he is annoying. Unfortunately they're children and children are just mean. I've been a victim of that before as a child. It just saddens my heart that my son is going through this and I hate that he is having to deal with things like that. I can't be there to protect him all the time, although I wish I could. I try to be at the school as much as I can and be supportive of him, sometimes it's just hard. It's hard when you feel like you have to avoid certain situations just so you don't have to hear someone else speak negatively towards your child. It sucks.

Uncomfortably Numb

Sometimes, things that you think won't change, change. Things that hope will change, don't change. I am sitting at a crossroads right now. I'm not sure if I should go to the left or to the right. I seemed to have buried myself again. I keep shutting down more and more and in the meanwhile, I'm pushing everyone around me even farther away. I'm to the point that I'd really just rather run away and forget everything. I have a 1,000 different emotions going on in my mind and heart and I can't seem to sort them all out. I feel so numbed out right now. Like no matter what happens, I wouldn't care, nor would I be surprised by anything. That's how numb I am.

I know Lord, that you already knew all this was going to happen. I just wish you'd give me a glimpse of the outcome, cause I am losing heart here real fast. I need a ray of hope to be shed on this whole thing. I know the way I feel is wrong. I've prayed so long for it to change, and it hasn't. What do I do now?

ADHDuh!

I am seriously worried about my son and all the things that he is going through. I am very concerned at this point that there may be something more serious taking place than I initially thought. I have been doing some research on Aspergers Syndrome. He sure fits a lot of the symptoms of this and it has me worried. Of course this is a condition that can not be treated with medication. There are meds to "help" with the symptoms but oh my gosh - they side effects are completely insane and there's no way I can do that to him. We are talking possible long term effects. I am stressed by my meeting with the school today. It would seem that absolutely none of the meds he's been on for the last 4 months have been working at all - according to his teachers. I just see a different child at home than what they see at school. It's all very discouraging to me as a parent and it really hurts to know that my son is having issues at school socially and with making friends. It's sad to know that his sweetness and loving ways are not known by others because he is so misunderstood by the children his age.

Whatever

So bummed and so disconnected right now. Welcome to my funk. And to top it off, I really just don't want to do anything. Is this called depression? I'm moody and upset. Confused and aggravated. Disturbed and haunted.

H-E-L-L-O!!! Can anybody hear me?

A drive, for the heart and soul

Well, it was a good day =) I took a drive out to Huffman and it was wonderful. Guess I needed to get away a little. I enjoyed my time!

Humble thanks to you Lord, for your provision and rescue.

Today, I still feel broken. I am so sick at heart. Lord, please heal my heart.

As dead as a winter tree

As I was coming home yesterday from being out of town, my Nana pointed out to me that she guessed the winter got to all the trees. I responded to her that at least spring is around the corner and this particular tree would certainly bloom and blossom in all her beauty again soon. I was originally referring to the tree, but in another form I was referencing myself. We all go through a season of pruning. I don't particularly enjoy pruning, it's hurts and sometimes it cuts like a knife to the soul. Currently, I feel like I am that dead tree. I am angry and upset and hurt and disappointed. This has been a very rough season on me, mentally, emotionally and physically. I always knew that bitterness and anger were very deeply rooted in me. It's one of those things that I have had to quell for the longest time. Well, she seems to be rearing her ugly head again. All the different things I am dealing with are really beginning pile of top of each other. One feeling re-enforcing the feelings of the one before it. I have not lost sight of God during all of this. I am really relying on him the change my feelings towards these multiple issues. I don't want my relationship with God to be strained. I am trying to desperately to cling to Him. My feelings stink, my heart is broken and my emotions are ravaged. I feel like a disappointment to God, to myself and to my family.

i feel totally broken
but i know beauty comes from ashes.....but right now my heart is squelched

What is a friend?

We're friends right? How do you know if someone is really your friend? How can you tell the difference? A true friend is someone who's there for you. Someone who knows whats going on in your life without even asking. Someone whom you can sit with in silence and it wouldn't be the slightest bit uncomfortable. Someone to listen to you when you just need to vent, or cry, or fuss, or complain. Someone to laugh with. Someone who knows you, what you like and dislike. I seem to find myself falling away from friendships lately. Is it me? That's usually the first thing I ask myself. Is it something wrong with me? Did I try in this friend/relationship?

Friendships are an investment of time and emotion. I love having friends. Women are just so catty and negative and emotional. I prefer being friends with guys. Plutonic of course. I have several really good friends who are guys. They know where the line is and I know where the line is and it doesn't get crossed. These are guys who have been there for me during many different and dark times in my life, even during the hard stuff. From going through a divorce, to having my heart broken repeatedly and just being there to hang out and to listen.

Lady friends will abandon you in a heartbeat. When life throws out a few changes, you are quickly forgotten. Is that what a friendship is? I think not. If you have friends, whether they are male or female - invest time in them, don't just put them off by the wayside. You never know when you'll need them or they'll need you.

I thank the Lord for the friends he's brought into my life, ones just passing through and especially so for the ones who've stayed.

As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend. Proverbs 27:17

I thank you GUYS (Rusty, Tim, David & Kevin) for your friendship and you too Tiffany Ann, my best girl =)

He's so smitten!

The God of the universe, the Creator of all things is absolutely and completely smitten with me! Why me? Because God is love (1 John 4:16), love is one his many wonderful attributes. God is totally enthralled with my beauty. He seeks to woo me with romance and win my undying affection. We get so caught up in who we are "earthly" that we tend to forget or in some cases, don't ever realize what we mean to God. He loved us so much that he sent Jesus, his Son, to die our place (John 3:16). We will never have to succumb to a spiritual death, for Jesus has overcome death and hell. Jesus did that for us, so that we would have to face hell. Our bodies will die a physical death, but never a spiritual one, if you are in Christ. I love being in Christ!
If you are not in Christ, you will be in a place that constantly burns with fire, known as Sheol (place of the dead) or another name for it is Hades. You will die and physical as well as, a spiritual death.
I don't understand why it's so hard to understand the Gospel. It's so simple. I couldn't believe it took me as long as it did to finally "get it". After I was able to comprehend it all, I thought to myself "why is this so hard for others to believe".

God sent his one and only Son, Jesus, to the earth. Jesus stepped down from the right hand of God, and He became sin for us. He took on the sin of the entire world (you, me, our kids, your neighbor, your bff, everyone!) And he was crucified, our sins were nailed to the cross with Him. In Christ's resurrection, he overcame the grave! Walked on earth for 40 days and then He ascended to Heaven. We no longer have to be held hostage by sin. That doesn't mean that we won't sin ever again, it simply means that we are forgiven sinners. God loved us enough to put the plan of salvation in action.
Back in the Old Testament days - a person would repent by transferring their sin to an animal - the animal would then be sacrificed, meaning that person would be cleansed of sin. This is basically the same concept. Christ Jesus became the "sacrifice", ending the old testament ways of sacrificing animals. He became "the sacrifice" for all mankind. All we have to do now is turn to God and Jesus. Admitting to God that you are a sinner, believing Jesus is God's son and asking for forgiveness. It really is that simple. I am so gracious and thankful that God loved me enough, a lowly sinner, to want to save me.

Yea, he's definitely mine!

For My Ian:

Yea, that's my kid.
The one covered in markers?
Yea, that's my kid.
The one with paint on his shirt?
Yea, that's my kid.
The one who's is intently drawing?
Yea, that's my kid.
The one who's always making stuff?
Yea, that's my kid.
The one who wants to be an artist when he grows up?
Yea, he's definitely mine!

I love how your little hands are always covered in markers and paint. I love how your little fingers pick up just the right color of Superman blue and Superman red. How thoughtful you are to draw pictures just for me. I love how you dig in my craft drawers and steal my tape, scissors and paper. I love how you take all my crayons and create art - then break all the crayons in half...maybe they're easier for your tiny hands to hold that way. I love to watch you color and draw. Your hands intently working to display on paper what you see so clearly in your mind. You are a super talented child. You are so smart! I can't wait to see what you become.

I got to hold you and snuggle with you this morning, like I do every morning. I look forward to that each day. Getting to wake you up with snuggling and tickles and kisses. I love your little tiny body, I could just absorb you into my being and never let you go. You are my little firecracker! Such power and might embodied in a little human being. You are a truly amazing kid. I am proud to say "Yea, he's definitely mine!"

A Birthday Abundant in Smiles

Yesterday I turned the awesome age of 37. All in all, it was a very good birthday. I was awakened with a backrub and a little "happy birthday" whispered to me. Followed by Mahoney dragging two kids out of their beds and offering to take them to school so I wouldn't have to get out in the cold. That was nice, because mornings are usually a little chaotic around here. Followed by a quiet morning at home...alone. I decided to scrapbook a little, so I did 1 page and posted and entered it into a drawing on Facebook. Had a little lunch and watch a touch of television. Then my mother called me to wish me a happy birthday. We got to talk for a little while, it made my afternoon! I got lots of birthday wishes on Facebook from many special friends! I am loved! =) Then it was time for me to get the nerds, brought them home, we dove straight into homework. Mahoney came in from the grovery store and hid all his bags of goodies.....kissed me a told me "goodbye!" It was time for me to leave to go to bible study with Beth Moore in Houston (which I ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ !). I had invited a friend (Jenn) to come along with me last night, so I stopped off and picked her up - we had a really good visit and chat along the way. Bible study was uh-mazing - as usual! Jenn bought me a book while we were there, it was a book I had looked at several times before - it's by Beth Moore and titled "feathers from my nest" - I was so excited to get it! I just love Beth. We jetted out of bible study as soon as it was over, and headed to the truck. We had a wonderful time discussing and reflecting on the bible study. Dropped her off at home and I headed home. As soon as I opened the garage door to the house - Mahoney and the boys were standing there singing Happy Birthday to me - it made me smile. They were so excited cause Mahoney had made me a cake and they were anxious to light all those candles. I got out my camera and headed to the kitched to be surprised by a huge chococate cake with all these candles poking out everywhere. Ian made me a birthday card and so did Rusty...... both Superman across the top! LOL Ian even put me a bunch of goodies in a gift bag (his toys) and he even wrapped my bubble gum (which I am not sure HOW he found that, I thought I had it hidden). Go figure. My 37th Birthday was abundant in smiles! It WAS A GOOD, no, IT WAS GREAT DAY.

Honest to blog!

Well, we didn't get any snow - just ice. Of course there were plenty of accidents out on the roadways yesterday, like 200+ from midnight to 7am, that sucked. We are used to this kind of weather here, so people don't know how to drive in it. We weren't out in any of it though. We stayed right here at home - except for the funeral we went to yesterday morning, oh and then the lunch that we decided that we needed - El Toro of course, but by then the ice was melting. It took the boys ALL DAY to clean their rooms. These 2 knuckleheads are something else when it comes to doing what they are supposed to do. Other than arguing with them about cleaning up - we relaxed and facebooked and lounged around in our pajamas. It was nice. I love not having to "go" anywhere. I could just sit here tomorrow as well.
Tonight we are going over to some friends house to discuss ministry stuff. Looking forward to hearing what they have to say about it and see how it would involve us and still trying to see if we are to be involved or not. I really want to be a part of this. I think I am afraid of it for reasons of being freshly hurt. Not sure at this point why I'm afraid to commit to this. Waiting on the Lord to lead us to an answer, well I am waiting on the Lord to lead ME to an answer anyway. Not quite sure where Rustys head is on this one.

Bracing for the cold!

We're all ready here in Baytown for God to show his amazing handiwork again - this time with some possible SNOW. The kids were released from school early today and they don't have to go to school tomorrow. The SNOW is supposed to begin sometime this evening and into tomorrow. I am excited. This is not something that we get very often here in Texas, so - yes, I am happy about it. I look forward to some family time, some chillin out, drinking hot chocolate or coffee and bundling up on the couch watching movies.

Today I made Hummus for the first time - it turned out really good. I liked it a lot. I ended up combining 2 recipes.

1 can garbanzo beans, liquid drained and reserved
2 tsp ground cumin
1 clove minced garlic
1 tbsp sesame oil
fresh ground salt

Mix in a blender or chopper, use some of the reserved liquid to add back to it as you blend it til you reach the desired consistency. Comes out like bean dip. I love the flavor the sesame oil adds to it.
Serve with crackers or pita chips, my hubby has suggested Fritos...... he's a guy =)

Anguish to Joy

Last night I went to Tuesday night bible study with Beth Moore at Houston’s First Baptist. We are currently studying the book of James. Last night the theme of the study was on “joy” and “anguish”, but mostly anguish is what we discussed. After at least ¾ of the way through the study, I realized and said to myself “what does any of this have to do with James?” We didn’t even discuss James (at all!), which was fine – she could speak on pretty much anything and still keep my attention. All during the whole study and speaking about anguish and the description of it, my heart kept going back to the beginning of January and all the things that transpired – I literally was in anguish over it all. I was consumed by it, I was angered by it, I was hurt by it, so much that I just would have been better off curled up in a ball in my closet floor. And the crying, I spent so much time crying about it, just when I thought I was out of tears, here came another wave. It wasn’t until Beth read Psalm 55:1-5 to us – that it hit me. We read the scripture from the NIV version, but I using the NLT:
Psalm 55:1-5 (NLT) - Listen to my prayer, O God. Do not ignore my cry for help! Please listen and answer me, for I am overwhelmed by my troubles. My enemies shout at me, making loud and wicked threats. They bring trouble on me, hunting me down in their anger. My heart is in anguish. The terror of death overpowers me. Fear and trembling overwhelm me. I can’t stop shaking. - This scripure describes a lot of pain and anguish over a certain situation. Then, she said this is a Psalm pertaining to the betrayal of a close friend – WHOA! Are you serious!!! I know my mouth had to have dropped wide open and of course the tears came again. Listening to her speak on anguish and how it felt to my soul and the betrayal of a friend/s – it hit me in the heart.
In hearing all of this I also learned that anguish is meant to lead to a birth. Mental anguish is like the mind being in labor. There is something beautiful meant to take place from all this pain. In relation to childbirth – we go through harsh labor and pain and then when this beautiful child enters the world, when it’s all over, we forget the pain and our pain turns from anguish to joy! What does this mean to me? It means that something lovely and amazing is going to come from all this “stuff” I’ve been going through. I know God has a plan. He is revealing things to me through others – it’s amazing! We have been asked recently to become involved with beginning a brand new ministry, from the ground up. It will be involving the 18-29 year age range, getting into the meat of God’s word with them. This is an age range that is often overlooked – there needs to be a way to bridge that gap. Children are with children – the more mature folks are with the more mature folks… then there’s us – the 20+ & 30-somethings. This totally sounds like an incredible ministry opportunity. I am very excited to hear more from God on this and see where he leads us both in serving Him. My desire is to serve Him, in whatever way he desires for me.
- Thank you Lord, for your word last night, I was utterly floored and amazed. I felt as though the entire message was directed at me, it was as if you were the one explaining all this to me. I treasure you Lord, I treasure your word, I love that your ways are higher and your ways are better – even when I don’t understand them. You are the God of my days and the Lord of my life. Only you are worthy of my praise. In the saving name of Jesus Christ, Amen and Amen! (truly truly!)

HAPPY FEBRUARY!

Family Ties

This has been a painlfully long year. My family seems to have began falling apart. There have been many things said that shouldn't have been said. There have been actions taken that should not have been taken. There have been feelings hurt for reasons I don't understand. But God knows all sides of the story. I pray the Lord will empower and equip me to begin the peacemaking that has to be done.

Thank you Jesus for what you've done and you're going to do in this situation. Please instill me with the peace that I need to begin this healing process.

A fresh new way to my day

My days are usually chaotic. My mornings are a mess. What can I do? Nothing, but enlist the help of my God. In my Sunday school class yesterday, God really spoke some things to me. I have become a complacent mom, it really made me feel bad. Yes, God disciples and corrects those he loves. It was a convicting lesson. Maybe it wasn't so much the lesson, but the tangent of discussion that we usually deviate into. I love it. I learn so much just from the people around me. Prayer was a topic of discussion, also, are we being Jesus to those around us, namely our family. My short answer - no, no I'm not. I am not Jesus, and my goal and life that I lead, should be reflective of Him. My heart desires to be more like Him, my Savior.

I pray. Normally I just kinda do these small prayers throughout the day. I tend to just wake up, let my feet hit the floor, and get my day started. I have gotten away from a morning prayer time, that time of the day when I should get up and "give" my day to the Lord. This morning, in light of the SS lesson yesterday, I did that. This morning went so much better. I didnt raise my voice as much and I just did the hands-on approach to getting my kids ready for school. Instead of just expecting that they - brush teeth, comb hair, clean hands, etc.... I pray the Lord will strengthen and equip me to be the parent that He intends me to be.

Lord - thank you for your Revelation to me.

One more painting to add to the flavor of my blog...namely - "art" of my faith. This piece was done 6-18-2009. I'm starting to see a pattern here. It looks like I only paint in the summer.... go figure. Oh! It's because oil paint dries better in the heat LOL This piece was inspired by the techniques of Bob Ross, one of my most favorite artists.

Here's a rundown on my favorite artists - The who's who on who inspires me to pick up a paint brush:

My #1 Inspiration: My Gram'ma Belle - a beautiful lady with an amazing eye for painting, which she developed over many years. I grew up watching her paint, going to her studio, posing for paintings she did, dressing up in her clothes. Learning what amazing and wonderful things a person could do with paint and a little imagination. This is one of the paintings that my grandmother did before I was ever born. This piece measures a staggering 6ft long by 3ft high! It's beautiful. It's currently is hanging in the entryway in my house.

My #2 Inspiration: Vincent Van Gogh - a troubled young man, whom I can relate to in many many ways, troubled in the mind, wanted to do well, had good intentions and seemed to dive into things with an unimaginable drive! His bold use of color and harsh brush strokes showed that he was not afraid of what would come out on the canvas. He went at painting with passion! His artwork currently adorns the wall in my livingroom, along with numerous books that I display about him, his life and his art. How I love Vincent - he's my boy!

My #3 Inspiration: Bob Ross - a soft hearted, gentle spirited man with an amazing eye and easy use of the paint brush, all he was doing was looking for a gentler outlet - a time away from the harshness of his military lifestyle. Painting gave him peace. Each subject in his paintings have a personality all their own, happy little trees! He amazes me with the ease that painting came to him. A warm and talented soul. He makes me a very happy little tree indeed.

My #4 Inspiration: Claude Oscar Monet - a wealthy man in his time. He not only painted beautiful paintings, but he also tended to and maintained the gardens and subjects from which he painted. This was such a neat man. He patiently waited til the flowers bloomed and lilies blossomed so that he could paint them in all their glory and beauty. Each season had it's own surprises. My favorite painting of Monet's is the Japanese bridge at Giverny. Although I completely love all of his Waterlilies studies. There are many different paintings of the bridge at Giverny, but THIS bridge is by far one of my most favorite paintings of all time. His use of color is extraordinary. It is currently housed at the MFAH (Museum of Fine Arts Houston).

Sunday again

It's Sunday again. A day for worshiping our Awesome, Amazing, Fascinating, Holy God.
Today was the Lord's Supper at church. Today, I just could not partake of it. I couldn't bring myself to "fake" repent, or to repent in a way that was rushed and not heartfelt. I wasn't about to eat and drink judgement unto myself. That's a scary scripture - but it does make you stop and think. I have several heart issues right now. I can't seem to make myself repent just yet, but what I do know, is that I am praying that God will change these heart issues I have, and He is. Slowly but surely. As hard as it is, I know it's exactly what should happen. I never intend on entering into something for a short term, and I hate when outside things interfere with my heart. I know that every heartache that touches my life, has to go through Your hands.
My prayer life is lacking somewhat...I am not devoting enough time to God to be filled by Him, His word, His Spirit. I don't have a set devotional time. I try to keep in fellowship and keep company with Him all throughout the day. Maybe I should take a few minutes each morning before the day starts and just be alone with God my Father.
Lord, please help me to be as crazy in love with you as you are with me. That I too may be as smitten with you as you are with me. Thank you Jesus for being the Lover of My Soul.

Love - your daughter

My lastest pieces

These two paintings were done in July 2010. They are inspired by an artist named Tim Gagnon. Check him out on youtube, you'll be blown away! There is a 3rd one to this series, that has NOT been done yet. The same colors are used in both paintings, only done in reverse. The 3rd one in this set will also use the same 3 base colors. Hoping to get her completed soon.

I have been drawing all my life. I began private art lessons about age 11. I love to work with all different kinds of media..... my preference - OIL! I work with pastels, watercolor and acrylics, crayons and markers too, but oil is by far my favorite, it's so blendable, but it's not very forgiving, not when it's wet anyway. Enjoy!

The one thing I feared

So I have found myself sitting in the one place I feared. Not that I fear the people, just that I fear the assignment. I am leading/facilitating a bible study on Wednesday nights. This was the one place that I never anticipated being.

Since the events of the last few has finally calmed down and the air seems to have somewhat cleared, I am still serving the people I love, God's ladies, not in the capacity that thought I would be, but I'm gladly serving. This last month has been majorly rough on me mentally and physically too (I am just fatigued). If this is the place God has called me to be, right now, to serve His ladies, then I will be there.

I truly do enjoy the ladies that God has allowed me to spend my Wednesday nights with. We get to discuss God's word, and learn more about Him and ultimately deepen our relationship with Him. I sometimes feel that the ladies are not getting all they can out of the class though. I wish there was something else to do that would liven it up. That each lady could walk away knowing that they can definately make it through the rest of the week, because they have been encouraged by the Word of God and that they got to know Him a little bit more. I don't feel, (this is just me), that I do lessons any justice. Although, it's not up to me, it's up to God to move and work in the heart of each person. I pray for his anointing on the ladies that participate in this class. I love them and God loves them even more than I can imagine.

I am blessed to be in the presence of great company with a bunch of ladies with a ♥ for God.

Before and After....

Before: August 25, 2009 - 232 lbs, size 18-20, t-shirts 2XL

It's really crazy how we see ourselves, what we feel we look like and then.....what we actually look like. I was completely oblivious at how I looked. I always felt like a thinner person was inside of me. I wanted to feel good about myself. I've just always seemed to have a weight problem. Pre-children I was 200 lbs, but I was pretty comfortable with who I was. After having 2 children and never getting rid of the weight, or should I say yo-yoing up and down the scale, give or take 10 lbs. I never could get motivated enought to want to do anything about it. I didn't feel attractive to myself or anyone else for that matter, and how in the world could I possibly be attractive to my husband. Utter sadness and shock struck our life in Aug 2009, my mother-in-love, whom I loved dearly, went home to be with Jesus. It was then, that worry and concern for my childrens future set it. I wanted to make sure that I was part of their future. I want to be here to see them grow up. I do believe I was on the verge of becoming diabetic, my sugar levels were up and down - never really high, but certainly borderline. I became concern with heart failure, as this is what ultimately took my mother-in-love away from us. Aside from her passing, congestive heart failure and diabetes runs in my family on my mothers side. It's a life taker, a silent killer. My mother suffers from congestive heart failure and had a double bypass in 2003. This really should have set me off then, but like I said, the motivation for me was not there. Unfortunately it took the death of someone, to make me want to live better. My mother is now at age 55, and she has been on dialysis for almost a year.... next month.... did I mention she is 55? She went into renal failure last February after suffering another heart attack. It has been extremely difficult to watch her go through all this. It's been hard emotionally and mentally, even on me. Sometimes I wasn't even sure how to approach her. But I know, God holds her in his hands, just like He does with me. These things have for sure been a wake up call for me and my hubby. He's just obsessed now! We began realizing that before you know it, we'll be the only ones our kids have. We have to be here, Lord willing.

I share all of this in hopes that one day it will come as help to someone else.

After: This is the best part! Here I am now, taken on Jan 14, 2011 197.5 lbs, in a size 14! T-shirt size L (which i thought would never happen!)

I am a much happier person, I feel SOOOO much better about myself. I am not hiding behind frumpy hideous oversized clothes anymore. I am wearing things that I thought... "I'll NEVER wear that" - I love the newer sized me. Although, I am not done. I still have a goal weight of 175.... only 22.5 lbs away. I know I can do it. It's going to take some more time, but I will do it. My goal is not to actually hit a certain weight - it's a certain "feel". How I feel about myself, how I feel in my clothes, how I feel overall. I am very proud of myself. I tried very hard to do it the right way. Eating a healthier choice of foods, a lot of fresh veggies and fruits, a raw food diet. No Cokes! Drink mostly water. Calorie counting, I can't even begin to tell you how important that is - and I know it sounds like complete lunacy.... but counting your calories really helps. Our bodies need a certain amount of "fuel" to get through the day. If we start starving ourselves, then the body stores up, instead of getting rid of. This makes us gain weight. It never made any sense to me whatsoever, until I'd seen it for myself.

I use a website www.livestrong.com - on this site you can track the foods you eat (even restaurant food), exercise, set calorie goals, water intake, etc. I highly recommend it. Here's some real food for thought..... knowlegde IS power! Get to know what you are putting in your body and it will start to repulse you, literally, you won't want to eat it. You'll learn just how much fat and salt and cholesterol and sugar you are consuming in a day and how much of it is contained in everything we eat! It's crazy. Cook Fresh, Eat Fresh!

Welcome to the Jungle

Warning and disclaimer: this is MY blog, these are MY feelings. If you don't like MY feelings... then DON'T READ them. I am strongly grounded in my Christian faith, but I still struggle with not so nice feelings.

Welcome to the jungle, this is where evil lurks in the dark and around every corner. Waiting to pounce on you, and eat you alive. It's comes to kill, steal and destroy. It wants to take your joy and your reason for living. It wants you to doubt everything and lose heart in everyone. It makes you turn your eyes away from the One you should be focusing on - Jesus Christ. EVIL SUCKS!

My life can be likened to a rollercoaster ride of emotions lately. The funny thing is that people can say whatever they'd like to, but it doesn't make it true. Even when you know it's not true, it's still hurts that people can and will betray you - no matter where you are. I stepped down from doing something I loved, in hopes to keep the peace. I don't like drama, confusion or chaos or fakeness! When I felt God was calling me back to what I had just resigned from... the response was less than what I had thought it would be. I got the feeling that maybe I was wanted out of that particular thing. Praying about something is great, if you actually do it, and mean it. Don't tell me you're going to pray about something, as an excuse to hold me off. It has been so hard. I feel so betrayed. I feel like no one had the nerve to come talk to me about the issues at hand. Instead of hearing from me, they assumed, which in turn makes an a** out of u and me. My feelings are raw, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I say what I think for the most part.
I feel myself pulling away, which of course is exactly where the evil one wants me. I refuse to let him get foothold on me. I am desperately trying to cling to Jesus through this crazy ride, I am trying to keep my focus on Him, because it's not about me or mixed up emotions. It's about Him and I know He can get me through it. I am angry, hurt and confused, but I am NOT angry at Jesus, hurt by Jesus or confused about Jesus at all. I am not pulling away from him. He will never leave me not forsake me, therefore, I will not leave or forsake Him.

I've been reading Song of Solomon lately (very good book too!) I feel like the young lover (me) who is searching for her lover (God) and goes to find him, seeking him in the night and she ends up being beaten by the night watchmen (aka - the villains in this story), because they think she is NOT who she says she is. Her (my) heart is totally in the right place, but others are doubting me. Thats alright, thank God, He knows my heart, even when I don't.

I pray for the peace that surpasses all understanding to flood my heart and my mind, Lord, and that I will keep my eyes firmly focused on you - The Lover of my Soul.

Yes, I do!

I proudly proclaim that

I BELONG to the Lord...... Isaiah 44:5

and that's all I have to say

about that!

Isaiah totally rocks the word!!

♥ BFF ♥

I had the most wonderful time yesterday. I had a date with my best friend, Tiffany Ann. This is not something we get to do very often, but we should certainly make it a point to do it more frequently. It's such a blessing to have someone to confide in, to share all your deep dark secrets and all the things that tick you off, someone who will listen, someone who will cry with you, laugh with you, a person who will tell you when you're wrong - lovingly, someone to put make-up on and share perfume with. We are such nerds we even to played Super Mario Bros with each other on our DS's at the tire place - that's true friendship LOL. Laughter is so healing to the soul. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful/beautiful best friend.

All of that.... for this.

God is so faithful, and even I am not faithful to Him. I feel as though I have been going through the ringer lately. My emotions are everywhere and on top of that my selfish tendencies seem to take over. I find myself becoming someone that I know God does not approve of, doing things He does not like and even through all that - He loves me regardless. I have had to search my heart a lot in these last few days, all the while seeking Him as well. Waiting for an answer to come, crying over the way I feel, pleading to Him to please fix this - even at the point of yelling at him, reverently, of course. God knows my heart, why shouldn't I be honest. Sometimes we are called to be the bigger person and not point any fingers at anyone, even to the point of apologizing when we dont feel we've done nothing wrong. Not everyone knows the whole story. I just want to keep the peace. I don't deal well with conflict. I have enough conflict within myself that I don't need any outside influences.

I am so grateful to God that he keeps him promises and humbles me, so that I may hear his voice more clearly.




I thank you Lord for showing me the way.