Welcome to the Jungle

Warning and disclaimer: this is MY blog, these are MY feelings. If you don't like MY feelings... then DON'T READ them. I am strongly grounded in my Christian faith, but I still struggle with not so nice feelings.

Welcome to the jungle, this is where evil lurks in the dark and around every corner. Waiting to pounce on you, and eat you alive. It's comes to kill, steal and destroy. It wants to take your joy and your reason for living. It wants you to doubt everything and lose heart in everyone. It makes you turn your eyes away from the One you should be focusing on - Jesus Christ. EVIL SUCKS!

My life can be likened to a rollercoaster ride of emotions lately. The funny thing is that people can say whatever they'd like to, but it doesn't make it true. Even when you know it's not true, it's still hurts that people can and will betray you - no matter where you are. I stepped down from doing something I loved, in hopes to keep the peace. I don't like drama, confusion or chaos or fakeness! When I felt God was calling me back to what I had just resigned from... the response was less than what I had thought it would be. I got the feeling that maybe I was wanted out of that particular thing. Praying about something is great, if you actually do it, and mean it. Don't tell me you're going to pray about something, as an excuse to hold me off. It has been so hard. I feel so betrayed. I feel like no one had the nerve to come talk to me about the issues at hand. Instead of hearing from me, they assumed, which in turn makes an a** out of u and me. My feelings are raw, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I say what I think for the most part.
I feel myself pulling away, which of course is exactly where the evil one wants me. I refuse to let him get foothold on me. I am desperately trying to cling to Jesus through this crazy ride, I am trying to keep my focus on Him, because it's not about me or mixed up emotions. It's about Him and I know He can get me through it. I am angry, hurt and confused, but I am NOT angry at Jesus, hurt by Jesus or confused about Jesus at all. I am not pulling away from him. He will never leave me not forsake me, therefore, I will not leave or forsake Him.

I've been reading Song of Solomon lately (very good book too!) I feel like the young lover (me) who is searching for her lover (God) and goes to find him, seeking him in the night and she ends up being beaten by the night watchmen (aka - the villains in this story), because they think she is NOT who she says she is. Her (my) heart is totally in the right place, but others are doubting me. Thats alright, thank God, He knows my heart, even when I don't.

I pray for the peace that surpasses all understanding to flood my heart and my mind, Lord, and that I will keep my eyes firmly focused on you - The Lover of my Soul.