Only In My Dreams

The only place I'll ever get to see her is in my dreams, in photos and in the things she's crafted.  I hate that I have now been subjected to only seeing her face in my thoughts or in my memories.  The feelings are still very vivid and the emotions are still very raw.  I remember when I dreamed of her several weeks ago, it had a huge impact on my day, emotionally I was just completely heartbroken.  It feels so lame to cope through posting things on her facebook wall or writing to a person who will never ever see.  I guess this is all part my very own healing process.  I miss my mom a lot!

Insult to injury

I remember the day I was told my oldest son was on the autism spectrum by the school diagnostician.  To be more specific, according to MY research and bringing it to his psychologists attention, it was figured out to be Aspergers, falling under the umbrella of autism and the severity of it wasn't bad, but it was autism.  It was heartbreaking.  What do I do now? ... After a lot of researching and getting to know my child and his disorder, I figured it out.

Take 2.  Looks like since I've been dealing with one who has autism, I guess I needed another child with some sort of developmental issues and a learning disability.  Now they want to "test" him to see if he needs special education intervention.  I had a couple of meetings with the school in the past few weeks.  I've explained that he is very creative and loves to makes things, I feel that he is very smart and intelligent and he is lacking in some areas, that I agree with.
I went to a follow up meeting on Thursday.  This whole meeting left a bad taste in my mouth.  The lady who was there doing most of the talking, she's not even a teacher/educator or on staff at my sons school, commenced to show me some numbers she had on a chart... 'your son is here on his verbal learning which is below average, but he is here on his nonverbal which is close to average, so this is why he looks smart at home' .... to which I raised my eyebrows at.  I was offended.  It was as if the rest of her comment would have been, the 'implied' rest of her comment, "and dumb at school".  I was livid inside.  A storm was surging. I let her know I was offended by her comment and why.  

I continued on to tell her and the principal and the teacher and the counselor in the room that I will not allow negative, life taking words to be spoken over my children.  My children belong to the Lord, and he has plans for both of them.  So I won't tolerate negative words to be said over them.  I don't want anything but affirming words and attaboys aimed at my kids.

I consented to him being tested when school starts back up.  They can't do anything else unless I give my approval.  I shall begin praying about this, working with him over the summer and we'll see what happens.  I am struggling with all this though. 

They are both smart.  I don't care what a chart of numbers says about my kids.  They're kids, they have short attention spans, they're goofy, they're mean at times, they don't like homework, hate to read, hate to brush their teeth, hate taking a bath, like frogs and like to color and draw.  They're children.  Let them be children.

#speakdifferent  #autism  #aspergers  #letthembechildren

With thunderous applause

Our morning began at 8:00, we quickly packed up and headed to the nearest beach.  We were greeted by seagulls and their songs and the waves rushing to the shoreline to meet us with their caps of sea foam.   It was beautiful morning on the beach.  The wind was extra gusty this early morning.  I turned my face towards the wind and allowed to it tousle my brushed hair into messy salty locks, just enjoying the breeze without a care in the world.  It just felt good to sit there and not have to think about anything, no worries, no problems.

I sat there in my chair and watched my boys splash around in the water.  They were enjoying themselves. Every now and again, hubby and I would join them in the water.  The water was a bit cool and a touch choppy today, pretty good sized waves crashing onto the beach.  I sat there on the shoreline digging my hands as deep down into the sand as I could, hoping to fish out something really cool.  I found a piece of pottery that a seagull hanging out above my head mistook for a piece of food, I obliged him, he decided it didn't suit his "taste" hahaha.  

Hubby and I returned to our beach chairs, about that time some other children arrived and walked straight into the water with my kids, they played.  My kids like to play!  Company is always welcome and they always make a friend or two somewhere.  Storm clouds surrounded us most of the time we were there, then one of them decided to let loose.  Why leave, we were already wet anyway =)  I love the rain, I love the beach - great combo!  

After the storm moved over us, we began to talk about life.  I confessed how I had been feeling for the past year and a half.  Dealing with depression and all the issues surrounding my moms passing and how I have felt abandoned by losing her and then all over again by my dad moving away right after.  I felt lost and broken.  My brokenness has kept me in a depressed state of mind, which has led to weight gain, my anger, being closed off and not caring about anything.  My emotions have remained on high charge for the last year and a half.  A part of my spirit, a part of my soul died when my mom went to her heavenly home.  I've recently been dealing with issues steming from different forms of abuse throughout my childhood right up in my teen years and my mid-20's, add that the mix and you have a recipe for self-destruction.  Here comes the rain again.  

I can relate the sunshine and the rain of today's adventure to my life in a personal way.  There will be rainy days.  There will be days that the sun shines so brightly that I'll have to squint at the gloriousness of it all. There is elation and joy laced throughout my life and there is sadness and dark stuff too.  God showed me, through a seashell no less, the brokenness and ugliness on the exterior of this hard shell, but the inside is smooth and beautiful.  I know I will still have rough stuff to go through, but during all of that I hope to keep my focus on the beauty inside of me, keeping my eyes focused on the Lord.  I am just a cracked, chipped, vessel and sometimes I feel useless and chalked full of holes... but that's not how God, my heavenly Father, my Creator - sees me.  To Him I am a beautiful creation, his daughter and one day I will be made whole, complete and perfect. I am just a seashell being rolled around and scraped against the sand trying to survive the crashing waves of life and at points getting to relax on a nice warm beach somewhere.

This afternoons therapy session ended on a high note with thunderous applause from the skies followed by a downpour of rain.  That was our cue to go home happy and a little lighter in spirit.

#thereishealinghere
#myfavoriteplacetobeach

Ministry is exhaustively rewarding

Ministry can be so challenging, exhausting and totally deplete your spiritual tank.

World changer? Hope for the hopeless?  

I am certainly not equipped to save the world or change the world, only God can do that, but I can be a vessel that He uses to reach others.  Through God we find the hope we seek, in turn, we should model that same hope for others, showing them what living, breathing hope looks like.  

Ministry can be emotionally tiring and wearing on the soul.  You KNOW that you can not and will not always able help ease hurts, take away pain, help pay a light bill, provide diapers or help financially.  You can't make others see or understand who God is especially if they don't know The Lord AND they're currently sitting in a pit of despair without their basic needs being met. This is tough stuff..... BUT GOD is able!

God can do ALL things.  Because God CAN do all things, doesn't mean those needing help are supposed to sit on their laurels and not do anything.  There is scripture after scripture on laziness and foolishness speckled throughout Proverbs. There is also verse after verse about us Christians and how we are supposed to be loving others.   This is the point where discernment and the Holy Spirits guiding are a huge deal!

 

I desire to help others come to the realization of the hope they can have.   I can’t rely on myself for that, because at times I lose hope too.  The hope I have only comes from God through Christ.  

I can't offer financial support for those who need it, unless I am financially okay. If I have money I can give, if I don't, then I can't. If I can help I would be glad to.  Prayers or some of my time are mostly what I can offer up.

I seem to keep attracting people who need "help", those who are struggling, ladies who need to be loved on, ladies who need emotional and spiritual support and maturity.  They need someone they can lean on.  I can't figure out why they are coming to me.   I have always prayed that God would use me in whatever way He sees fit and I'm willing to serve in whatever capacity He has in mind for me.  What is Gods purpose here?  Why do they keep coming my way or does He keep sending them my way?  I assume The Lord is trying to show me something or teach me a lesson.  Maybe it's to make me venture out there to see what resources I can find to help these people who keep crossing my path.  I guess I should start there.

I understand that as a church, our job is help people and love on people right where they are and I try to do that as much as possible.  I find that at times I also become very leery of those that I feel may take advantage of the church, any church. I've seen it so many times where people only darken the doors of a church and become "involved" just to get what they need, then they're gone in a flash.  I cannot be a selective Christian, one who picks and chooses who we help, via church or my own personal resources. That's not fair or right on my part.   My Jesus didn't pick and choose who he helped in his earthly ministry; he helped and loved everyone right where they were.  

I shall be like Jesus and follow in his footsteps.

The exciting part of ministry is when you see a woman, a broken forlorn woman who makes the choice to break through chains, knock down some walls, conquer fears, defeat obstacles, lift up her face, and fall head over heels in love with God all over again.  I love how exhaustively rewarding women's ministry can be! 

Yep, this is me

Hi, I'm WonderWoman.  I'm flawed, I'm a sinner, and sometimes my faith waivers a bit.  I sometimes say bad words (in my heart and from my mouth), I think bad thoughts and I'm opinionated at times. I love rock/alternative music and I love to dance!  I'm horrible at attempting to live a Christian life, but I'm trying.  I don't always practice everything I preach, but I try.  I'm not the perfect parent, but I love my kids with every ounce of my being and I want what's best for them.

I can say that I live a passionate life though.  I am crazy passionate about The Lord of my life and about my Jesus who died to save ALL of our souls.   Just because I have Jesus, doesn't mean I am not passionate about life or this world I live in.  I am very passionate about my family!   I am passionate about my country, the place I love and call home.  I am passionate about being in a profession that I love, doing massage and bodywork combined with my love of essential oils!  I am passionate about music, art and my friends.  I am passionate about Superheroes and the 80's!  I am extremely passionate about ending bullying from kids and adults alike.  I am passionate about ending abuse of every kind, mental, physical and sexual abuse!!  I am passionate women's ministry and I am passionate about loving people as much as I can.

Who are you using your "crazy" for?

Sometimes my thoughts catch me off guard.  Sometimes I get very nervous to share the thoughts that come flittering through my mind.  The truth is, it's the truth.  I have no shame in telling the truth when it comes to what my beliefs are.  So here's what was dropped in my head this morning.

I began pondering how people who force their own agendas are considered "crazy" and "radical" and "wild" and "forceful"and "closed-minded."   It took me off into a tangent as to how our nation has become.  Religious freedoms are being striped away because a few people stood up and said "hey, I don't want prayer in school, I don't want to swear on a bible, or I don't want the Ten Commandments out in front this building."   They stood up, they fought, they won.... Yet, as Christians it' is said that we're completely off base because we "want" it there.  Unfortunately, there aren't enough of us to stand up and fight this... So there goes another freedom... poof, up in smoke.

Here's where I'm going with all of this.

As Christians, we're considered radical and crazy when trying to fight for what we believe in when it comes to God, Jesus, and Gods holy word.  As unbelievers, you are considered radical and crazy when fighting for what you believe in when it comes to everything anti-God or anti-religion.

It okay for us all to be radically crazy and stand up for our beliefs.  Passion can be a great thing! 

The devil has free roam of the earth and his work is being accomplished here on this earth.  If you're against Christian beliefs, you are against God, you are working for the devil.  I've got news for you.... The devil is USING YOU, using you to get his agenda across, consider yourself a puppet.  He's using you to do his bidding.  His job is to keep you as far away from God as possible.  He tricks your mind into thinking that God doesn't really exist and that you are God.... The unfortunate side of this is that the devil, aka Lucifer, used to dwell in heaven with God, and wanted to be like God.  So, God gave satan dominion over earth!  Welcome to hell .. on earth, where the devil is winning.  

But God!  God is still in control and the victory is his!  The battle will be won on earth and in heaven.  The devil knows his time is short and his agenda is to get as many of us away from God as possible.

So call us crazy radical Christians, we'll take that as a compliment!!   Just remember that unbelievers are just as crazy as we are!! 

Now, WHO are using your 'crazy' for?

#MyCrazyIsForGod  #peace

The Dark Place in my Head

Grief is a bitch in high heels, sipping on a amaretto sour, spouting out ugly hateful things and mocking my every emotion, magnifying my wrongs and forgetting my rights.  Most of the time she makes me want to run and hide.  Then there are times that she's a 7 year old curled up in a fetal position begging for someone to please go find her mommy, because she can't breathe.  She torments me and makes me feel all the bad things that happened, all over again, resurfacing the memories I had buried deep in my soul.  She makes me question everything that I am for sure was real.... so was it? 

I am currently writing from the dark places in my soul, the place where unseen things dwell.  Feelings of despair, hopelessness, sadness, grief and anger reside here.   This is a place where I don't invite friends to join me.  I don't allow anyone to see what's behind the closet door because that's the place where a multitude of bad things, call home.

I am so blinded by the dark right now that I can't even see the light.  I truly am not in a place that I want to see any good.  Grief and weariness have captured me, I'm locked up in chains, in bondage because of my own emotions.  Deceived by my own feelings and thoughts.

But I know where the key is.

7 new starts

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” – Mary Anne Radmacher

7 days and counting.  7 days sounds so small.

I hate starting over.  I wish I didn't repeatedly fall off the wagon.  Fresh starts are supposed to be new starts, new opportunities, new chances.  To me they're actually major setbacks in my progressing forward.  It's easier to fall off the wagon than it is to stay on it.

#twloha

...just so I can breathe

The last few days have been such a total train-wreck of my emotions.  My thoughts and feelings have been all over the place, all inward, all selfish, all negative.  I still haven't figured out whether I'm coming or going.  I have pinpointed a lot of things that push me down into this deep darkness of inner turmoil and inflicted pain.  Most days I don't know if I should give up and give in or get up and get out.  I am tired of always meeting my breaking point in a head-on collision with what always follows next.  I get tired of having to clinch my hands together to keep from doing the one thing I wish I could stop doing.  It's so hard to walk away from it when I know I need to do it just one more time, just so I can breathe again.  A loss of control drives me to regain my sense of self, a sense of feeling and a sense of aliveness, a sense of the reality that causes the pain from the start.  Yes it hurts.  Yes I still do it anyway.  It's the one pain that I can control.  It's a release... just so I can breathe again.

#twloha

Zero days without incident

I've been ready for this day to be over for a week.  This day is a stupid damn reminder "hey guess what, your mom, yea, she's still gone."  Gee thanks brain.

After a rushed morning with two children who think I speak a foreign language decided that today would the absolute best day to ignore every word I said, my nerves were shot by evening.  Because really!   After a long day, this evenings smack talk was more than I could bear.  I just wanted to pop him in mouth, I wanted him to hurt the same way he had hurt me.   But I didn't touch him.  I needed to regain my sense of control and my sense of feeling something other than anger.  So I did.

I am far from being freed.  The urge hits so hard... then something has to be done.

#twloha

Without My Mom

It's my 2nd year spending a motherless Mothers Day,  

I may be motherless here in this physical earthly world

 but I have a MOM.

She resides in a realm unseen.

Although I can't go there to see her,

She visits me in my dreams.

In my dreams she is healthy.

She is forever young.

A place where she smiles without a care in the world.

One day your world will change too and everything you know will cease to exist the exact way it had before. I'm here to tell you that it truly sucks.  For those who understand exactly where I come from, I extend my condolences and heartfelt sympathy to you.  To those who don't understand my experience with losing a mom, I pray you never have this kind of life change at such a young age.  I don't like this day anymore.  I don't feel like celebrating.  To some that my sound childish, since I too am a mom and I am "robbing" my children of celebrating "me".  That's not the point.  The point here is that I am just not ready, maybe I'm selfish.  All these stupid moms day cards and greetings and flowers and other crap are just little daggers that pierce every tender piece of my heart.  

So please, PLEASE don't tell me to "celebrate" this gloriously ignorant day until you understand how I feel.  Just let me alone and let me feel what I need to feel to cope with days like this.  If you only understood just how much things changed, you'd be heartbroken and have the same sense of abandonment as I do.  Don't get me wrong, I am so, so very grateful that her suffering has been relieved and her pain is gone and she is rejoicing with our Lord and our Savior.

but I'm still here.  without a mom.

#speakdifferent

We've all heard the saying - "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."  Bullcrap.

If you're a victim of bullying - Speak up, speak out!  It won't ever end, but we can stop the chaos before the battle scars damage your delicate minds and wreck havoc on your thoughts for the rest of your days.  Words.  Letters arranged to mean something.  When those arranged letters are lobbed at you with malice and ill intent, those letters become daggers, piercing every piece of your soul.  Sowing negative seeds and causing you to develope new and destructive thought patterns, shutting down and blocking out all that you ever believed was good about yourself.  Here's the kicker, it only takes 1 small word to begin this downward decent into an out of control recess of your mind.  It sucks.  Example "fat".  See how much that sucks.

I wish people could fast forward 20 years and get a small glimpse of the effects of the words they use today at the expense of other people.  After that glimpse, we may just speak differently to the other people who are in the same game of life that you're in.

Passion.  No Bullying.  This is one area that I am extremely passionate about.  Like SERIOUSLY passionate about it.  I have a definite calling in this area.  I know that there will be doors opened for me on this path to helping others kids stand up and prevent bullying from happening in their schools, as well as in their lives.  Shoot, even adults are bullied.  Just ask me!   

I have been on the harsh receiving end of this all through school, my freshman year, oh my gosh, it was awful.  I was bullied terribly by a fellow classmate named Chris Cooper.  I wish I would have had the courage to stand up to him - I should have clocked him right in the mouth.  A real jerk and a poor excuse for a human being.  I was taunted daily for being "fat" and "ugly" and "poor", knocking my things off my desk on purpose and whatever other creative ways he could find to take a stab at a 14 year old girl who was scared shitless to stand up for herself.  9th grade was brutal.  Finally I moved away from East Houston on over to Baytown.  I hate to think of the horror that would have kept coming at me for the next 3 years of school.  Ugh.  Disgusting time of my life.

I am now 'older' and have 2 boys.  I DARE them to be mean to ANYONE!  I would be so upset about that.  Then one day it happened.  My youngest is kind of a headstrong child, he's quite frank with his words, and he was only 9 at the time, but he was just really mean to someone and said some things he can never take back.  So now, I am the bullied mom, with a bullying child.  Then we turned all that around yet again.  

My oldest son has Aspergers - he's a perfect, I mean PERFECT target for being picked on.  He is mild mannered, but he'll show you his teeth when he has too.  He is overweight for his age and height, he's got quite the tummy on him. He acts very goofy and silly at inappropriate times.  Most everyone thinks he's weird.  He doesn't get jokes and doesn't realize he's being made fun of either.  See, easy target.  He jumped into 6th grade like he's been in 6th grade all his life.  Like a fish to water.  I was shocked.  Then it began.

In the 1st 6 weeks of school, we had 3 incidents with him being picked on by different people. One young man (big guy) grabbed my son around the neck and shoved him to the floor.  Then proceeded to taunt him again in the boys restroom asking him if he was ready for some more, so my son then runs into a stall and locks the door.  He escaped from that and told the teacher.  It was kinda scary to listen too.  

The bottom line here is that I hate bullying, passionately.  It should stop.  I understand that bullies probably come from a very unhealthy home life, it's possible that they're being abused as well.  Maybe they're carrying the invisible scars we can't see.  Maybe they feel that in their own life that they've lost control and have the strong urge to take someone else's control away, to render another person powerless.  People who bully others are extremely weak, it makes them feel better to belittle and tear down someone else.  I'm no psychiatrist. Some things I know from many personal experiences. As a result of being bullied not only by schoolmates, but also by the mental and physical abuse from particular family members and those who were close to me - I am a cutter, a self-injurer.  I am the only one in control of my pain from here on out.  That's my coping mechanism.   

As I embark on this journey, I know I will face negativity, criticism and feel defeated.  I know I will have to go back to 9th grade in my world today.  I will be made fun of and called names - because that's what kids do and I'm just an adult in their world.  If it makes the different in one life being spared from the effects of cutting, drug abuse, alcoholism or any other addiction and even worse - suicide - then I'm all in.  This is what I am supposed to do.  

My goal is to speak out about it and the teach the kids to #speakdifferent to each other.  To help them understand how their words IMPACT others lives.  This is a new platform for me, and I am scared and nervous, but all the good that can come of this is well worth the effort.  I'm coming with a message from the heart.  It will take some time to build this ministry.  I am ready.

#speakdifferent

A Room Without A Roof

I am a Christian and I love being a Christ follower. I am also in a world full of enjoyable things and I like some it! That's the hard part, not crossing any certain lines and looking like a hypocrite. Truth is, we're all hypocrites. We say one thing and do another (that's even in scripture). My goal in life is not to live as a person who practices one thing and preaches another. I also don't believe that we are to follow this very strict set of rules and guidelines to be accepted into the Kingdom of God.

This is the worldly me.  Every now and then, maybe more often than that, I say a bad word or 3, or 4.  I like to have an occasional drink of a spirited nature and I don't see a thing wrong with it. I don't have an alcohol problem.  I know many Christians who drink wine, but are totally against alcohol. Ummm, Why?   Isn't wine still alcohol?  Oh that's right, wine is the only one mentioned in the bible and Jesus MADE it... So I suppose if he would have made tequila, it would be okay to drink that right?  Newsflash!  Alcohol by any other name is still alcohol.  

Moving on.  I like, no, I LOVE rock/hard rock/alternative music (Metallica on Saturday night, church on Sunday morning!).  I have a tendency to think things at times that I wish I didn't think, things I wish did not run through my head.  I am not a doormat and I will not tolerate being mistreated, used or abused, nor talked down to or made fun of.  I am passionate about many things of this world we live in.  One does not make it through the things I have in my life without being a bit feisty (I blame this one on my momma). She was a feisty, feisty woman, lots of brass haha.  (My hubby loves this part of me, he thinks I'm totally hot when I get all brassy with someone).  haha!  It's a real challenge to expect respect from others with regards to my spirituality, when I participate in the some things of this world, so I don't expect people to walk on eggshells around me. I am still a human being, doing human things.  I have certain lines that I won't cross, certain situations I will remove myself from if I feel like I shouldn't be there, not judgement on anyone's part, just for my own sake.  I know what my triggers are and I know when I need to bail.  Easy peasy.  

Versus

My Christian life.  I LOVE Jesus and I LOVE God! There's no bones about that!!  I want those 2 loves to show in everything that I do, whether it be a worldly something or a church related something.  I'm not about being a liar or hypocrite, but I am about growing and learning from my experiences and following Gods way as best as I can, and yes I do stray off course sometimes.  I don't believe that ostracizing another human being is going to make them give a dang about the God I claim to love, especially if I am acting in a way that's contrary to what the bible teaches.  I believe that we are to love EVERYONE around us, even the outcasts... and I DO.  Sin is a sin is a sin, no matter the size, so YES, I am definitely a sinner.  I mess up often and do things that are displeasing to God or against his word in scripture.  You can't put a number scale on sin.  It's all the same to God.  Did I mention I love Jesus? Like, crazy much! I truly do. I believe what John 3:16 says. Jesus Icame for all of us (Not budging on that one, not one iota).  No two Christians are ever going to be on exactly the same page regarding everything in the bible. We're never going to agree on every single solitary point.  This is where we all have differences of translation.

Please don't get me wrong here, I'm not trying to wear different hats around different people from the varying aspects of my life, this is a constant battle going on inside of me.  I am the same person in the dark as I am in the light.  Yep, I'm totally flawed.  I'm sure there will be a lot of people who won't agree with everything I say here or everything I do in this life. And that's okay with me. I don't agree with the way everyone else lives their lives, but judging their life is so NOT my place.  

I am called to love, and I do, pretty much everyone. And in that loving, all I want, all I long for, is to be truly HAPPY with my life, truly proud of the person I am, and the experiences that shaped me into the woman I am.  I am a room without a roof, I don't believe in confinement, I don't believe we all fit in this perfect little box. I have plenty of space for growth in an upwardly direction as well as all around me.

#justlovepeople #justacceptpeople

Gentleness - it's not for the faint at heart!

You know, I am not the kind of girl who walks around all meek and woe is me and really not that mysterious either, but I have a little mystery to me.  I'm not the silent type especially around those I know well.  When I am out of my comfort zone, that's when I tend to be quieter and make an attempt not to draw any attention to myself.  Is my lack of gentleness the demise of my parenting skills?  I tend to have a hard time saying ANYTHING nice when I am upset... unless I'm boohooing and then who wants to hear a woman with snot and boogers and tears everywhere.  I can't stand to talk to those kinds of people.  Suck it up!  Tell me what you gotta say or go to the stinking bathroom and pull yourself together, while you're in there, clean up the snot!  Anyway, I digress.

After yesterday's encounter with the whole "i'm going to kill myself" escapade because of a frickin Wii... yea buddy, that's worth taking your life over.  Plastic.  (He's a dramatic 10 year old).  Yea I know, I cant believe I'm not freaking out over those words myself, but I know my son and I know how he is.  All is well.

Anyway, so after that whole shebang I had HIGH HOPES for this new day today.  Afterall, we laid in bed last night and snuggled and tickled and giggled.  Well those high hopes came CRASHING DOWN by 7:30am!  Someone got up with same attitude and loving personality that he displayed yesterday evening.  Lovely.  He's upset because I told him he could not take his vampire teeth to school to show all his friends that he's a real vampire.  I said 'you're not a real vampire, you're a 10 year old boy and you'll end up getting them taken away' wait for it.....  yep the eye-roll, crossed arms and a hummph of groan.  

In my attempt to make this go away - I told him 'fine, take them to school, go get them' which I thought he had done until I returned home to find them sitting in a cold glass of water on the counter (he thinks they're dentures, keeps them in the fridge!).  Which would explain why he wouldn't speak to me all the way to school.  I even asked him if he wanted to pray - he ignored me, as usual.

Those who know me well, know I am kind of a fun girl, I like to laugh, make others laugh, I like warm hugs and hot coffee, have a terrible book fetish, I love long walks on the beach....  LOL  Okay, okay, gentleness. Yea, I'm not exactly cut of that cloth, I'm more a spunky natured person.  Gaining gentleness has been so tough.  It's one of the fruits of the spirit that I don't believe I was born with, wasn't ingrained in my DNA, but it's totally okay, it can be an acquired trait too!

Being gentle when what I really want to do most is lash out - is SOOO hard.  In all honesty, I just want to spank him for the disrespect he is showing me.  I know he is growing up and exercising his independence. My job is to see that he is growing up properly and learning to be responsible and respectful to others.  I always feel like I should fire myself from being a parent.  He makes me feel unloved and like everything I do as his mom, is wrong.  He makes me question ME!

I ain't going down without a fight.  He better get his boots on!

May the 4th be with you

☆★☆ Happy Star Wars Day!
 May the 4th be with you! ★☆★

Had a wonderful day at church and then lunch afterwards with our boys.

Church was fantastic!  Lunch was grand.  It was a blessed Star Wars Day!

Starving for contentment

I am the proud good looking mother of 2 boys.  I am the only estrogen laden person in this house.  Even the dog and the mouse are, well, boys!  Sometimes quarrels break out among my precious young testosterone producing lads, each one is exercising their way into the alpha male role - which neither are.  Today there was a disagreement over a train set - 1 is owner of the engine, the other is owner of the train cars.  This went on until I just had no choice but to butt in before I lost my mind.  "You both need each others stuff!  Suck it up and just get along."

So ending that battle.  On to the next.

My oldest child decides to play to Wii.  Oh yay, more noise.  Anyway.  In the midst of my son playing a game of the Wii, my youngest decides to go ahead and change the input on the TV so HE can watch Netflix. (I am so ready to disconnect Netflix.  If I see one more episode of Thomas, Curious George or Magic School Bus I'm going to lose my stinking mind.)  In the middle of my sons game he tries to change the input so he can watch a movie - I put a halt on that real quick.  "I don't think so, he's playing a game" - to which he replied "I'm just going to kill myself."  So I immediately became upset with him for speaking like that and told him to meet me in my room.  I was seriously about to spank him and decided on something else....
I immediately broke out my tablet and googled some images that I hope he doesn't put out of his mind too quickly.
Sometimes parenting calls for pictures of starving children being swarmed by bugs and disease, naked, hungry, clothes-less children that have absolutely nothing.  Children who are lucky they have even a bite of food.  Babies who are nothing but ribs and bones.  It's awful.  The images are sad.  I too hope that I don't put them out of my own mind too quickly either.  

Now that's a lesson in contentment for you.  We have no idea just how blessed we are.  We are a very rich people, even when we don't think we are.  We are spoiled.  We are wasteful.  We are careless.  Think for a moment about the thought of losing everything you have, down to nothing.  Think about the impact that would have on your life.  

I'm here to say, be THANKFUL for it all, be so thankful that God supplies all your needs and a whole lotta your wants - food, clean water, clean clothes, a bed, a blanket, shoes, air conditioning, toys, a place to bathe.  Just like that, it could all be gone.  What a lesson that was to me personally.  I was on the verge of making a horrible mistake by overreacting to his words, instead, I taught him to value what he has the privilege of enjoying in his life and God showed me the same thing.

It's a Good Friday

I awoke to an alarm that I forgot to turn off last night, thinking to myself "Yessss! Peace and quiet before the day starts, I'm going to read my bible a little, enjoy my hot cup of coffee, boys are still crashed, Hubbs is still in a zombiefied state etc, etc. only to stumble into the living room and find BOTH boys awake, much to my chagrin... then somewhere off in the distance two little voices echoed "hi mom" ... Oh be still my little heart.   Sweet music to start the morning off right.  Better than any ol cup of coffee! 

There's going to come a day when ALL I will wake up to is peace and quiet, no children in the house, no little voices telling me hi mom, no little fellas to snuggle up on the couch and "meow" with (you've got to be a Dillon to understand that one!).  No one griping at me to make them some pancakes, no one telling me that they want donuts from the donut store, and no 12 year old wasting all my coffee creamer on his perfect cup of coffee.  One day I'll miss mornings just like this.

God has funny little ways of opening our eyes to all the little blessings that mean the most!!!   

BE BLESSED IN THE SMALL THINGS, BECAUSE THEYRE REALLY NOT SMALL THINGS!

Light it up Yellow??

In honor of my son who is on the autism spectrum, he has Aspergers Syndrome.

April is Autism Awareness month and I just so have to have a son who was born IN April who has Autism.

Educate yourself so maybe you will be able to understand a person with autism a little better. SWEET people!  Highly misunderstood.  Looked at like they're weird.... then again, what's normal!

They see the world through ALL their senses, they are pretty much on sensory overload most of the time.

They don't process information in the same way us non-ASD people do.  There is no cure for autism or Aspergers, but there is eventually evident learning and symptoms dissipate somewhat as they mature, this wont happen over night - trust me!  Each day brings its own new box of wonderful surprises... and meltdowns and pouty faces.  But good God, the Lord knew what he was doing when He created my son specifically for my husband and me.  He knew we would be the right parents for him.  We are not perfect or anywhere near good at parenting, much less parenting a child who needs a little extra attention.  God knew what he was doing and I believe that.  I have a highly protective side to me, hopefully that's not to my detriment or his, my job is to protect him and inform others in their "lack of knowledge" when it comes to my sons condition.  He has the biggest heart and sometimes a bad temper =)  He's super sweet, loves Weird Al, loves to sing and duet with me, he plays the trombone and absolutely loves band, loves hugs and trains, and most things 12 year old boys don't even bother with anymore.  He's in 6th grade and THRIVING!  I am somewhat worried about the whole "laying on the ground picking flowers during p.e. thing though"... should I be??   Innocence, I love that side of him too.  

I love this kid!

Mad Life-Skills

Intentionally, I think we want to live a better life.  I believe we are responsible for choosing the path we'll follow.  But herein lies the problem - We complain about how others live, yet we live the same way they do, even we think we don't!   I'm sure we all want to do better and live the best life we can.  We spend too much time comparing our lives to the lives of others.  

"Oh I won't eat that, it's junkfood!"  "I would never do that."  "I can't believe you don't eat organic food!"  "Wow, that plate looks like a heart attack just waiting to happen."  "I could never feed my kid chicken nuggets, gross."  "Juice, no way, it's full of sugar!"  "There's no red 40 or MSG in our diets, that's toxic stuff."  Blardy, blar blah!  ...  And the list goes on and on.  I think we try to justify our supposed 'better' lifestyle by comparing our lives to the lives of others whom we think are totally doing it wrong.  "Well at least I'm not doing dot dot dot ..." (Fill in the blank). 

Have you ever noticed moms who sit around and compare the bestness of their children?  Comparing their mad momma skills and it all comes off like it's a competition to see who is doing it 'best'.  Being a mom/dad/parent is tough work, I don't care who you are!  It's hard to rear children.  I say you are doing the best you can, and you're doing awesome!  Just keep marching to beat of your parenting drum and get your roll on!

Live your life your way, stop the comparison.  You are responsible for the happiness and the bestness of your life.  Who cares if you don't eat organic, whole foods, who cares if your entire diet consists of fried foods, or refined sugar and chocolate or caffeine.  The choice is yours. I'm not saying it's healthy by any means, not for you or me or our children or anyone else for that matter.  I'm simply saying to LOVE the life you live, because you'll only find yourself miserable and feeling worthless by comparing your life to everyone else's.

Too many people use their 'better' lifestyle to launch themselves into a cesspool of snobbiness.... Because this makes them better than you, at life!   It's makes me not want to be around someone with that kind of toxic personality.  I can't stand that.

Here's a toast to living a mad crazy awesome life, because this is YOUR LIFE TO LOVE, YOUR LIFE TO LIVE.

Fabulously 40!

So, last month I turned the big 4-0!  I decided that instead of being bummed about hitting this huge milestone, I figured I would embrace it and be glad to have been blessed with the 40 years I've been given so far.  There are many many people who will never make it to 40.  I am so grateful God had allowed me to make it thus far.

My day started out with a ladies breakfast at my home church, beautifully decorated tables, a lovely speaker, and nice breakfast prepared by the hands of a bunch of baptist men.  I decorated two tables, one was an Over the Hiill birthday theme (because the breakfast was on Feb 8th, which was my birthday), the 2nd one was Star Wars themed (it was very poplular!).  It was a nice morning/afternoon.

When I arrived home to my family, I was greeted by some decorations and a Dairy Queen Oreo  ice cream cake - it was goooooo-ood!  I received a few gifts.  I got a larger Orgreenic pan - mostly for panclarks.  

Had a restful afternoon.  Hubby had some plans for us for later on but I didn't know what we were doing except that we had to leave by a certain time and that he had a quick errand to run on the sly.  We left at the specified time and headed in an Iguana Joe's type direction.  I knew when we turn off our street and went left, that was where we were going.  Yes!  I figured he'd have invited my brother and family, simple dinner.  Nope!  He got the party room and invited my bro and family, my BFF and her family and his BFF and his family - all the people I cared about being there were in that room!   We got there first and the rest trickled in.  I was excited to see everyone.  He did a great job!  I was so blessed to be surrounded by my loved ones and that was really all that mattered.  A very enjoyable time!  And we had our favorite server, Ms. Ruby who is 1/2 my age and doesn't believe that I was turning 40.    

I was missing my sweet momma up in heaven though, it was weird to be celebrating this 40 without her here.  Missed my daddy too, way up in Minnesota and who knows when I'll get the chance to see him again.  Missed my dad and mom in Louisiana too.  Wished they could have ALL been there.  All in all, it was a GREAT Birthday!  Hubby made is more special than he realizes, it was EXACTLY what I wanted.

Happy 40th Birthday to ME! 

Enamored with Enamel and other things that peel

Ok, I am absolutely enamored with enamel!!  I love nail polish!  There are so many colors, textures, glitters in fine, medium and jumbo glitter shapes, there are glazes, crackle finishes, matte colors, glossy enamels, pearlized, iridescent, holographic, metallic.... I can go on, but I'll spare you the torture.  My point is that I love nail color!... and toenail color!  (especially glittered!)
In conjunction with the nail polish obsession, I have a really bad habit of nail biting, which I quit doing that a long time ago, but I had to replace it with something else.  Its the act of keeping my hands busy.  Besides, I've learned just how gross nail biting is.  Totally grossed out by watching my sons chew on their toenails of all things!  I mean seriously, how limber are these boys to actually be able to do that.  (who knows, I probably chewed on mine when I could actually get my foot that close to my mouth).
Anyways....

My bad habit of nail biting totally became nail polish peeling.  Yes, totally on purpose.  I'm pretty sure there is a name for it but I cant remember it and Google has no clue what I'm talking about.  I am usually walking around with half my nails painted and the other half peeled/picked off.  I love the glitter ones because they are the easiest to get off!!  This doesn't stop with nail polish, I also peel the coating off of Styrofoam plates and or bowls and I still like to resort back to 2nd grade at times and cover my arms with Elmer's school glue, waiting for just the right time to peel it off only realizing I jumped the gun again and begun to peel it too soon. Good grief, can't this crap dry any faster and why does it have to pull my hair so bad!!  Don't even get me started on satin finish or semi-gloss paint left in a paint tray!  
If I have left a trail of glitter at your house, your business or in front of the pew I sit in at church, please accept my apologies.

She always leave a trail of glitter everywhere she goes (me!) ......

Stop the hate, spread the love

There’s this unfortunate side of life where no one agrees with anyone else, we each have our own stance on what truth is and what it’s not.  We each have different passions and those are made known through our words or actions or what we participate in.

Take religion for example….scratch the example part.  Let’s talk religion, spirituality, relationship or whatever you’d like to refer to it as. 

The bible has been translated so many times that it seems “man” adds to the word of God or takes away from it or interprets it in a way that contextually it loses its true meaning, it’s intended meaning from when it was actually spoken or God-inspired to the writer who penned those words.  There are numerous translations of the bible as well as many different languages, and the text itself being theologically reworded to a more understandable level.   The ability to comprehend what the word says comes from God.  He is the one who gives us the wisdom to read into the word what it was intended to say from the get go.

We are not all going to agree on every single thing that is in the Word (in translation) because to each one of us a particular scripture could mean anything, especially when we relate it to what’s currently happening in our life.

There is a huge uproar with Christianity, this has been going on for a long time.  Everywhere, across the globe, Christians are facing persecution for their faith, they’re being mocked, martyred, rights of religious freedom are being taken away, ten commandments being removed, prayer not allowed in school, the moral fabric of our country is being ripped apart stitch by stitch on a daily basis.  We are allowing ourselves to be abused by the media.  It’s “said” repeatedly that all Christians hate gays and lesbians and of course the ever so famous one “all Christians are hypocrites.”  We’ll get that that in a moment.

 

As Christians, we place our faith in a man named Jesus, who says he’s the son of God, but there are lots of people who believe he is just a teacher and a prophet who died a criminal’s death.  Personally, I believe in Jesus Christ as the Son of God, the one true God.  I have placed my faith in Him.  I trust in Jesus, for he is my Savior.  I also believe that the bible is the infallible word of God. 

Back to my mention of gays, lesbians, same sex marriage, hypocrisy, Christian folks hating on others, others hating on Christians and the like.  Hate has to stop, but it has to begin somewhere.

I know what the bible says about marriage – man + woman = biblical marriage.  As a Christian, this is what I believe.  But I am not going to mistreat someone else, or make feel like less of a person for the choices they make in their life.  God is in charge of their heart changes; therefore, I won’t stand in judgment of that.   My place is not to judge ANYONE.  I can still uphold my beliefs and what I value in the Word of God and not become caught up in their world or their lifestyle – but I can still love them!

Hypocrites.  Yes, we are ALL hypocrites, especially those who think they aren’t.  I believe what the bible says, truly I do!  Do I live it every day?  No, I honestly don’t.  Do you realize how hard that is?  All we can do is strive to be Jesus to a broken and damaged world.   Honestly there are days that I don’t really feel all Jesus-like – at all!   Sometimes, when days are rough, emotions are raw and I just ain’t feeling it today – I just want to be free to meddle in my own bad thoughts.   So yes, I too am a hypocrite.  If you’ve ever or never graced the door of a church, you too are a hypocrite my friend.  And if you’ve never been to a church – think about the world you’re living in, anything you said you’d never do and you did it or still do it anyway?   Hypocrite.  I am seeking help for my hypocrisy.  What are you doing about yours?

I understand so many are bound by old school thinking, that’s the way there were raised and that’s the way their church taught them or maybe they are just very black and white when it comes to reading scripture.  I respect that.  I wasn’t raised in church, at all.   I realized my need for Jesus in 2006, that’s when I gave Him my heart.  I wasn’t raised to believe the all hell, fire and brimstone side of God’s word.  When I began going to church, I learned of God’s love, love came first.  As I grew and lost my sea-legs, I began to wade into the word more and more and have been learning every since…. I know about the wrath and wiping out the planet due to sin.  It doesn’t change the fact that I serve a loving God.  Serving God to me is by loving the unlovable, taking care of the less fortunate, not passing judgment on anyone , loving and accepting His people, his creations.

The bottom line to all this is simply this – we all need Jesus, even those of us who have Jesus, need more of him or we wouldn’t be acting like we have no Jesus at all.  How do you expect the world to listen to you and the hope you have when you aren’t acting any better than an everyday, unrepentant sinner.

Good heavens we all need a Savior, so act like you truly have one, then maybe someone who doesn’t have one, will maybe one day want yours!

Can’t we just love each other and leave the rest to God.