Welcome to my blog, it's my life, these are my thoughts. Sometimes they're cheerful and happy, sometimes they're a big pile of bantha fodder.

Monday, May 25, 2015

The Burn of Conviction

You are not me, so you won't understand my mindset and the things that God revealed to me in such a way that makes me see these things as truth, and floods my soul with tears of grief and disappointment. 
If one were to look at any my overall serving in the church and how much I love Jesus, one would possibly conclude that I am a good Christian who has it all together.

Wrong.  I have absolutely nothing 'together.'  Some days I really feel like I am lower than pond scum at this Christian life.

Serving in the church can be self-serving and in no way points to 'my personal relationship with God'.  The sad part is that as I lead women, I'm not leading them out the door... and into the mission field.  I'm not setting an example of what a servant of the Lord looks like.  I am not showing them what the action of the Great Commission looks like.  I am not putting LOVE, the true and basic gospel of Christ, into tangible action.  Good heavens, putting serving others aside, I'm not showing my own family, the people I spend most of life with, what serving the Lord with action looks like.  

The sad part is, it is exactly what I'm commanded to do, COMMANDED, not suggested.  Jesus made this command in Matthew 28:19 - to "GO"....Unfortunately, I haven't even begun to leave!!  What good is my Christianity if I am not being obedient to the Lords commands.  What good am I doing in trying to lead other people to follow in the footsteps of Christ, to be imitators of Christ, when I am not completely following Christ myself.  I think I am dealing with fear, fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of not knowing the answers, fear of not having the knowledge or wisdom I need,  fear of moving from a comfortable place out into unknown & uncharted (for me) territory.  

Don't get me wrong, I love serving the Lord and I am certainly not doing it for selfish reasons, I love to serve the Lord, my hearts desire is that one day He will whisper to me, "Well done, good and faithful servant".  I desire to please God, my Father.  I want to be faithful in serving Him.  In that serving, I want to serve those He calls me to serve.

Each of us burn with many different convictions in many different areas of our lives.  Your convictions differ from mine. This painful conviction, what I am expressing right now, it really stings.

I hope the burn is enough to move me from this place and point me in the direction of true service, the way God wills it.