New Years, ummmm, Decisions

I've sat here today and reflected upon the last year and I have concluded that there are some changes I'd like to make in '14.  Some things I would like to fix about myself - physically and mentally, the way I think, my financial situation, and mostly my relationships with my hubby and boys.

I don't believe in making a resolution that I can't stick to, promises to myself that I won't keep, and disappointing myself  all over again, then ultimately giving in and giving up.  Ending up frustrated and never facing the decisions I've made.  I have to allow myself some grace when I mess up and then dust off my bottom and get back up.

Attempting these changes.

* Physically - weight, manage my food consumption

* Mentally - lose the negative thoughts, begin to move passed some things

* Financial - possibly job hunting, following God's guidance

* Relationships - treat others the way I want to be treated, show them who Jesus is through me, love them with all my heart

Sounds like I have some serious work to do on myself, but I can't do it in my own strength, I rely on God to change me as He sees fit.  I am still under construction!

IT'S 2014, SO, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Chillin with my homies

On this glorious last day of 2013, we spent the day at home, actually we've spent several days at home. This morning our plans were foiled by my son, who woke me up this morning at 7:30ish to inform me of his vomiting escapades through the night - what fresh hell is this?  Here we are all packed up and ready to be on the road to my aunts' for a couple days (I desperately needed to get out of town).  We thought we'd wait a couple hours and see what happens and maybe it was just an upset stomach - because in this house, that's a very common occurrence, lucky us!  After he ate a piece of bread and drank a little water and lost it, that's when we figured it may be more than just a tummy issue.  Yeeeess!  Just what I wanted to end the year with. We like to do things BIG around here.  I am crossing my fingers that no one else gets it too.  I've heard that this garbage has been going around for a while.  I try to keep the boys from people whom I know have been sick or been around other sick persons... and I make them wash their hands, which is one of the horrible things I ask them to do that's for sure to make them wind up in a therapist office one day.  Guess what happened this evening?  Yep, started running fever.  This excites me beyond words.  Now I don't have to worry only about him puking everywhere tonight, I am also pretty sure he won't be able to keep down a fever reducer.  Good for me, I am an essential oil junkie, so peppermint oil to the rescue!  

My youngest hijacked my ipad earlier and has pretty much camped out with it all day.  I think he misses his brother hanging out with him.  I can say it's been much quieter in this house today.  I can't complain too much, the kids hardly ever get sick.  I am very thankful for that.

This pretty much encompasses my New Years Eve Day - 

Rice Football (they lost), a handsome dog curled up on my feet, child #1 has a stomach bug and currently contaminating my love seat, child #2 has hijacked my ipad yet again ... this is how we wrap up 2013. Party on. On a positive note - I have Cheetos Puffs and that makes life extra cheesy and finger-licking good, it's just a crying shame they aren't stale already. That's okay, because tomorrow is another day for stale PUFFS!

Get your act together

I was at a ladies retreat Nov 1-2 and then again Nov 8-10.  At the first retreat I went with a group of ladies, whom I've been going with each year, this is my 4th year in a row to go with them.  It was themed - The Frazzled Female and how to rely on God to give you the rest you need, how to manage your time so you're less frazzled and not to overload your plate because you can't be everywhere, all the time.  Some things are just not as important as we think they are.  Skits, music, games, fellowship and food, all followed up by our main guest speaker for the retreat.  It was a nice time to relax and just retreat without being responsible for the retreat itself (like I will be the next retreat).  Too bad I got all ticked off during this retreat due to the childish antics of a more mature woman...or shall I say very immature Christian woman.... grrrrr.

So then the following week, I gathered, packed, searched for, stuffed and studied, as I went through the women's ministry closet to get things together for our retreat for my home church.  Our theme was First Love, based on Psalm 51:10-12 - restoring the joy of our salvation and the hope we had in our hearts when we first came to know Jesus.  I so wanted to be prepared for this retreat and for it make a huge impact, not for me, but I truly wanted God to move among our ladies.  I desired His presence to be felt by everyone there.  I was so excited to see what He was going to do, breaking chains, freeing the captives, setting the ladies free, no more bondage.  As a part of the women's ministry, I have a responsibility to God to live by scripture and to minister to the ladies he sets before me - as I have been called to 'women's ministry'.  The retreat was waaaaay better than my expectations, because even my best can't outdo God!  God showed up, that was my prayer!

Here we are 7 weeks away from those 2 retreats.  I am at a loss.  I would like to chalk it up to being November/December busyness.  But I am not sure what I feel anymore.  I still have the same desire to see these ladies fall prostrate before God and love him in the fullness of who He is.  No matter what 'I' do, I can't make them love God more than they do.  Opportunities can be offered to these ladies, but that doesn't mean they're going to open the door.  I think folks (men & women) are just at a point where they are comfortable.  They don't want to be moved.  They don't want to be challenged.  They aren't motivated to participate in anything.  They aren't open to change.  Their walk doesn't matter much to them anymore.  They're complacent.

At this point I am asking myself these same questions above....  that's scary.  I am not judging them, it's just as if God has revealed this to me as a heart issue - with ME.  I am merely comparing what I think/see/feel with other ladies.  What does this mean?  

God doesn't like lukewarm.

I survived the holidays

It wasn't easy, but I survived the holidays so far.  My emotions have run very high for the last year, but some days are better than others, and others days I feel like I am going to melt into a pit of tears and snot.

Thanksgiving was a rough one.  I made a few food dishes to take to my sisters house.  It's awfully strange making my mom's 'dishes' to take somewhere else.  This was my first year without her for Thanksgiving.  The day was pretty somber for me, on the inside.  I try to keep myself together, especially around other people, I don't want them seeing that vulnerable side of me, the hurt, the deep ache.  Never let them see you hurt.  Some people talk to me so nonchalantly about it, as if my emotions have chilled out with regards to losing her ....they make me want to deck 'em in the face.  "You know, when you're mom died....."  wahhhh!  "Yea!  I do know, thank you very much for freakin bringing it up!"  Anyway. 

As much comfort as I find in having her things surrounding me all the time, I also find a lot of emotional torment.  I want it packed away, I want to keep it out, I want it packed up, I want to leave it out - so I leave it out.  only trouble is, it's constantly reminds me that she's no longer here and of how much I miss her.

Posting my thoughts on my mom's FB wall helps me cope with the emotions I've been dealing with, I know, it probably sounds really dumb because I know she'll never see it, but that's what gets me through.

12-9-13:

Hard to believe it's already been a year. 365 days seems so long. Through tears, I remember the night so clearly. I've tried so hard to put it out of my head, to get rid of the visual images I repeatedly see in my mind. Part of my soul died this day, 1 year ago. I hear that the passing of time makes it easier to cope with losing a mom, I think that's the biggest load of crap, ever - for me ...it is anyway. My heart tends to break on a daily basis, every time I think of how much I miss you. Some wounds are not visible on the outside, it doesn't always show on my face, but the ache is always there. It's the strangest feeling I've ever had. In all my years, I never thought about life without you in it. I never thought I wouldn't see your sweet face again. I can only imagine how glorious you are in your new heavenly body and being in the presence of the Lord! No matter how much I miss you, I'd never want you to come back here and go through this life all over again. I know you are healed, you are free, and you are happy! The best part is, that I get to see you again one day when I get to heaven. 

I long for that day.

I love you and miss you everyday momma ♡♥♡♥♡♥

Life truly does go on, even if it hurts most days.

12-24-13:

Here we go momma... This time last year, we were all walking around in a fog, so shocked by the loss, and feeling so lost. This year is different, so different. It's like the real first year without you here for Christmas. I found your old ornaments a couple days ago - and the tears began all over again. As much as I want to enjoy the holiday with my little family, there's a huge void in my he...art without you here and so many times I let the grief consume me and I lash out at those I love. I won't share it with many or even let them see my grief, but my God, I am profusely crying on the inside - ALL the time. It's an ache that I've never experienced, I don't understand and I'm not sure how to handle, I am doing the best I can. 

It's like I am 12 again, living in Colorado with my dad, hundreds of miles away. I was in a pit of misery wrapped up in the worst case of homesickness I've ever had. Then and now, I have absolutely no way of getting to you, no matter how hard I try, I can't get to you, but at least back then, I could call, but now, I can't even do that.  I wish for the grief to begin to ease up, but it's still just as fresh as it was December 9, 2012. God knows I hate that day, with a passion. That was the day my world changed, forever...

Today is especially hard. It's Christmas Eve. Dressing would be in the works, turkey injected, pecan pies and lemon pies and whatever new recipes you found or created would be in the works or already done and ready for Sam and I to fight over. By the way - it's MY lemon pie! (I'm making him one today? When I make mine).  I miss cooking with you. I miss being with you and miss watching all our favorite movies together, I miss crocheting with you - I've crocheted the whole month of December so far, I can't stop! I miss your coy smile that tells me you're up to no good. I miss YOU too much.

I love you so much momma.

12-26-13:

I made a pot of chicken 'n dumplins 'mom style' last night in your memory. They were good, I wish you'd have been here to enjoy them with me. That was the last dish I made for you last Thanksgiving. Miss you mommie.

The reason I copied these here on my blog is because this was my true emotion in raw and fresh form, seriousness through tears with a splash of sarcasm and whimsy, just the way she'd like it. 

Untitled

Church.  Normally the first thought at the word 'church' is a place of peace and sanctuary, a place to meet with God.  But if you are not a church goer and don't get why we church folks are even in church, your first thoughts are probably that  'church isn't for me', 'nothing but crazy radical people in there', 'I don't want to get mixed up with holy rollers'... Etc, and the reasons go on and on.  The bottom line is this, each of our reasons vary in why we go to church, hopefully there's a commonality amongst those of Christian faith - that being, Christ, as the basis of our faith.  Our love for Jesus should compel us to want to attend church and want to serve in his name and for his glory.
My home church is going through a lull, attendance is low, people are leaving our church to find bigger and better things at other locations.  Everyone is having trouble figuring out what the problem is.  Truth is, we are the problem, I am the problem.  Those who are doing a lot of work are upset that they are the only ones doing the work, complaining that no one else is helping.  I seriously don't think Jesus complained about who was helping him in his earthly ministry, so why should we complain.  He didn't complain about it, he just did it.  He carried out the plans that God set before him and it didn't matter who went along.

Good grief, this is nuts!

As the dreaded day of Thanksgiving approaches, I feel a heaviness in my chest, the grief deepens and the lump in my throat is slowly rising, the pit in my stomach sinks lower and lower. My eyes well up and my breathe becomes labored, then the salty tears tumble hurriedly down my cheeks, each one carrying a little heartbreak and sorrow, happiness and memories.

I stood in the baking aisle at the grocery store a few days ago and started to tear up looking at damn pecans!!!  For crying out loud they're just stinking pecans. It hit me that I have your bowl that you used to make your pecan pie in and your green glass pecan pie plates and I am about to make that same pecan pie recipe for my family and start new traditions and new memories, and I feel that with every new memory I make, I may be pushing out old ones. I am not ready for this. I am not sure where I even fit in yet. I'd rather curl up in bed, wrap your jacket around me and cry. This is soooo not easy. Sorrow is easily hidden under makeup and a smile. Some wounds are not visible to the naked eye. My soul is still suffering the brunt of grief and loss.  

I hate this week. I am looking for thankful parts...

I miss you dearly

Nagging List Of Issues

i wish i didn't feel alone

i wish i wasn't hurt so easily

i wish parenting wasn't so hard

i wish my 'friends' were really friends

i wish grief wasn't so dang consuming

i wish that the holidays weren't upon us

i wish i had planned better for my future

i wish my dreams really would come true

i wish i didn't suffer from moments of self pity

i wish i didn't constantly feel like a total failure

i wish i didn't let little things bother me so much

i wish i didn't know how to put up walls of defense

i wish i loved myself the way my husband loves me

i wish i didn't just want to pack up and move away

i wish my children would obey and do as they are told

i wish i didn't just shut down when i am feeling bummed

i get tired of reaching out and never being reached out to

i wish my boys would stop breaking my heart with their words

i wish my heart didn't feel like it was being ripped out every day 

i wish i didn't feel like retreating into myself and just disappearing

i wish that i had a tardis and could go back a couple years to right some wrongs

mostly, i wish i didn't have a nagging list of ISSUES

All of the above random thoughts are a build up the things that have been culminating in my life over the last few months.  For me, the only way to get through the hard stuff is by blogging or journaling or writing it out. Writing helps me to unload the thoughts swirling around in my mind.  I know that pretty much everything on that list sounds to be insanely negative.  I don't want negativity in my life...I've had my share of that garbage. It's unfortunate that sometimes I still feel the ugly twinges of negativity accompanied by raw emotion.  I am still dealing with grief and grief is a witch in a red suit trying to tear my heart out - almost daily.  I more than likely won't let you see it on my face, but she's always hiding right there in plain sight, buried in my mini-expressions and thoughts.

On a positive note - It's great to get that out of my mind AND I have a really cute snuggly pup! 

Barefooted in the Choir Loft

I typically enjoy singing praises to God in my bare feet, usually from the back row in which I sit.   So many times I have read the scripture passage about Moses being in God's presence as God was in the burning bush.  God proceeds to tell Moses not to come any closer AND to remove his sandals because he is on holy ground - he was also in the 'presence' of the Lord Almighty.  I can't even begin to imagine what that would have been like, to BE Moses and have an encounter with the Creator of the universe in that same way - today, in 2013, that would move me to tears!  (Exodus 3:5)

For many years I have longed to join my home church choir, but things never worked out for me to be able to do that since I had 2 young boys - they're finally to the age where they can sit and be content while I am in choir.  This summer I did it, I joined!  I am a true "back row baptist" - I have my certain spot where I sit every Sunday - don't judge!  God's dealing with me LOL  At any rate, I like my little area, I meet with God right there each week while in church.  BUT since I've joined choir - I meet with God a LOT differently.

There is no more wonderful or more powerful place to meet with God than right there in a choir loft with 30 other people!  The chair that I sit in is in the middle of the middle row - I am pretty much dead center.  Let me tell you something - there is nowhere neater to be on a Sunday morning, literally surrounded by praise and worship from my brothers and sisters.  It makes me feel like this - if this is how wonderful it is to be singing praises to God from right here in this room with my family, I can't even begin to imagine how much more awesome it's going to be when we all get to heaven and we are ALL worshiping God together' - it boggles my mind.  My little tiny spot in the middle of the middle of choir is a tiny comparison to what heaven is going to be like - it's my little heavenly place on earth.  Heaven to me is being surrounded by praise, all those voices lifted up in agreement with songs of hope to our Father.

All of this may sound really silly and simple, but to me - it means this:  The praises we are singing are filling in the gaps and empty spaces between us and heaven.  When others are praising God - it's contagious!!!  Try it and I bet you will see that I am right!   The choir offers a filling in of holes and crevasses that may exist between the congregation and God and due to it's contagious nature - you may not have come to church in a mood wishing to praise anything - but when you hear the music and words and your heart is touched - you will WANT to worship the LORD.  Because of the nature of worship, angels are near when we praise God, they are drawn to worshipers praising the Lord - next time, LOOK UP and KNOW they are there listening and praising God with you.  

I know my praises rise to God as pleasing aromatics, just like my prayers.  Knowing I am reaching God gets me in a worshipful mood because it helps me recall all the wonders of God and reminds me of His glory.  It gets me to a point where I feel like I am even more in His presence AND that is HOLY ground to me!!!

I love you Lord
And I lift my voice
To worship You
Oh, my soul, rejoice!

Take joy my King
In what you hear
Let it be a sweet sweet sound
In Your ear

May all of our praises be a sweet sweet sound in YOUR ear.

Valley of Holidays

the clock incessantly ticks away the minutes
 until -
    the last Thanksgiving
 until -
    that last moment i spent with her alive
 until -
     i hugged and kissed her goodbye
 until -
     i saw her smile for the last time
 until -
     the moment i received the call
 until -
     the moment i rushed to the hospital
 until -
     the moment that i was too late to say goodbye
 until -
     10pm the night she slipped away
 until -
     the day i knew i'd never see her again in this life
 until -
     the 1 year anniversary of my last moments with her
 until -
     the 1 year mark of losing my mother and best friend

i cant begin to describe the immenant amount of suckage to ensue in the coming 4 weeks
i cant even start to tell you exactly how much i remember of these last moments
and how permanently etched they are in my mind and on my heart
i cant adequately explain in words the ache that is constantly nagging my heart
i am so plagued by memories and mementos and stuff that reminds me of her
i am thankful for memories
but i pray God with strengthen me as i walk through this valley of holidays

Sticky buns

Faith simply put is believing and not seeing.  Jesus is the son of God.  Not ever having seen Jesus physically walk this earth, I have faith in knowing that He did come down from heaven to save our souls and for that, I am extremely grateful.

As much faith as I have, I am simply wanting more.  I know that Jesus didn't intend for me to grace the church with my presence, adorn a pew, or just show up for a bible study and not study my bible, attend church to hear messages and sermons and remain unchanged.  He intended for me to have life and have it more abundantly, he intended for me to adhere to the words of the gospel and live it out loud in my daily life.  I am not doing that.  Not because I don't want to, but mostly because I feel no one else is motivated enough to walk the talk that Jesus spoke of.  I know that others should have absolutely no influence on me and my Christian walk, sometimes it's hard to continue on when no one wants to go with you, but Jesus went on alone.  I don't want to be just a disciple of Christ, I want to be a Christ follower, to walk in his footsteps, to love those he loves, to care for those he cares for - outside my church building, out in my community.  We can't expect to just sit in church or Sunday school or a bible study and fatten ourselves up and never use it.  We are to be filled, so we can pour out!

In all honesty, I don't want to have my complacent sticky buns glued to a pew, unwilling to be removed from my comfort zone, blurbing out worthless worship to a God who expects way more from me.   What's the point in teaching your children if they're NEVER going to learn anything..I'm sure God is just up their shaking his head at me.   I mean seriously how many more studies, sermons, lessons, teachings do we need to hear, read, or be taught until we get the stinking picture.

Are you shining your light for all the world to see?  YOU are the light of the world... Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.  Matthew 5:14-16 NKJV

Are you serving God's people, the meek and lowly?  Serve one another in love. Galatians 5:13 NIV

Are serving outside of yourself?  If you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness.  Isaiah 58:10 NIV

Are you giving willingly with a cheerful heart?  Whatever you give us acceptable if you give it eagerly.  And give according to what you have, not what you don't have.  2 Corinthians 8:12 NLT

From what we get, we can make a living; from what we GIVE, however, makes a life. - Arthur Ashe

Don't be a storage facility, just storing up God's blessings, Be a distribution center and share them!

I have a small testimony here, to God alone be the glory!!  In my own flesh I didn't want to do it.  I didn't want to help, but God planted something in me months ago and I followed through with the path he set before me.  I am so happy to report that during that time God softened my heart to some of His own that others would see as unloveable or a nuisance.  I enjoyed that journey and learned something about people and about myself.  Simply allowing myself to be used by God has changed my thinking, my direction, my idea of helping others when they need it.  Don't get me wrong, I honestly love church and my people, and worship and sermons and fellowship, but I no longer want to just sit in a church.   We are called to more than that.  We are to go, and do, and love, and share the gospel.


......I'd rather be out, BEING the hands and feet of Jesus.

Fine line of insanity

I am trying so hard to relish in the fact that if I am  biblically rearing my children in the way they should go, they truly won't depart from it when they're older.   I hope they one day realize how hard it is to be a parent and how many tears their mom (me) has cried over not being able to get them the things they want, or how many tears I shed over them mistreating me and acting as though I have nothing pertinent or important to add to their lives, or how many times I've holed myself up in my closet weeping because I feel as though I've lost my mind because my kids have no respect for me.  God, I need help.  Is my generosity hindering and hurting them, turning them into selfish little humans beings?  They get their fair share of the word no, but 1 no cancels out the last 20 things I've gotten for them or the last 8 places I've taken them, they turn it into 'you never let us do anything!'  Seriously??  After this day of smart comments, snide remarks, rolled eyes, ugly threats and mean things to say about his older brother, he received his punishment and has been sent to his room.  Something's got to give because I am walking a very fine line on the edge of insanity.... 'They're coming to take me away ha ha ho ho he he' I'm probably crazier than one person needs to be, but that's ok, we like it here. 

We'll just chalk this up to a rough couple of days..... Especially after that comment when he told his dad the other day that he was going to punch us in the nose because he didn't get his way ...... Really?  Bring it on big boy! 

The End.  For now.

Texticles, Tonsils & A Trippin Boo!

Yea, not the best title for a blog, but this is my week so far.

I've been fighting with sore tonsils for the last week, some of my previous days have been completely miserable.  I've been fighting the urge to sleep a little than usual, just so I don't feel the pain when I am awake.  I painfully sang my way through choir this morning, forcing my voice to work like I think it should.  Not that I can carry a tune in a bucket a regular day without tonsil issues, but anyway, I made it through choir.  I love choir, I just wish I was gifted with a beautiful voice.  Sometimes I feel like I'll never measure up to my fellow choir members who sing so angelically.  Stupid evil thoughts - curse thee satan, you suck.

So, I took my male dog to have him neutered on Friday.  A simple procedure, but he needed to be anesthetized obviously.  I am always fearful when anyone has to undergo anesthesia, sometimes they don't come out of it.  I had this overwhelming feeling all day that they were going to call me... "Mrs. Dillon, I'm sorry but we have some bad news..."  Thank the good Lord that didn't happen.  I thought several times about calling the vet to tell them to forget it, but I didn't do it.  My previously intact puppy came home ...out of tact?  I don't know what you call it, aside from neutered.   When my boys and I went to pick up my pooch and got him home, I showed them his incision and explained what they did to him - to which my son says "they took out his texticles!", to which I reply "precisely!" So I suppose there's no more texting for him!


Yesterday (Saturday) I had my very own version of Throw Momma From The Train...  In my brilliance, I planned a perfect day with my perfect hubby and my two beautifully perfect children on a excursion to the historical Railroad Museum in Galveston to tour AND ride a real train, and decided on a delightfully exquisite lunch at Sunflower Bakery and Cafe' (I recommend it!) lunch was followed up by a leisurely drive down the seawall.  In all my coolness as a mom, I snapped a gazillion photos, talked about how cool the trains are, enjoyed trolling in and out of hot train cars.  We were all done with the 1st 4 train tracks of getonable train cars that we could get on.  Engineers were taking a break from driving the train up and down the track, so we chilled and checked out my oldest child's favorite thing on the planet - the crossing gates!!!  Nothing like a ding ding with flashing red lights and a gate hand....just ask him!  Announced over the loud speaker was a message informing us that the train was now loading.  We took off out the door and gave the conductor our tickets and boarded the train.  We rode down the track, we stopped and we backed up and went back up the track where we began.  We were pretty much the last couple of people to get off the train, so I step down all the steps onto the step stool at the bottom, well then it all went slow motiony after that.  This is when my flipflop slid off the side of the stepstool, first thing to hit the ground was my pinky toe and side of my left foot, then all the sudden - in slow motion of course, my foot twisted and I fell on my right leg, bruising the lateral part of my lower leg, (my peroneus brevis muscle, for those who speak kinesiology :).  I swear someone hit the slomo button during the entire thing.  So, in all my coolness, I fell getting off the darn thing, bringing my coolness factor down about 9 notches from a 10 to 1!!   I was extremely embarrassed.  I looked around only to find myself on my butt and Rusty's hand stretched out to help me up.  I got up dusted myself off, and went to the bathroom to cry!  My perfectly beautiful day came to a screeching halt.  Stupid Skechers!

Yes, I am 'THE Heather'....Why?

So I went to massage school with this guy, he's a mess, and fun to be around.  Lovely family at home.  I invited them to church, they came.  I met and hugged his wife, met his son and daughters.  It was nice!  That's been about a year/& a half ago.

So, this past Friday night our church hosted a community outreach play.  A lady (parent of one of the performers) asks me if I know him, I was like 'yea, we went to massage therapy school together!'...  She continues to say so you are "THE Heather"...... Why? weird conversation along with accusatory looks and the smile of a cheshire cat.  it was strange.  I was like "yes, ..is that a bad thing?"  She said "no...., I am best friends with his wife 'so-in-so". I said "oh that's awesome!"  

The conversation was cool, but it was weird too.  Like she knew something about me that I didn't know she knew, kinda accusatory as if the wife had been concerned that there was something going in between her husband and me.  Which is WAY off base.  There's enough going on in that relationship, that I am no where near the start of their problems, even with me having friendship with him.

For one thing, I am not a home wrecker.  Secondly, I have a family of my own and I am not willing to risk that over anyone.  I guess I should feel flattered that I could be thought of as a threat, but goodness, I mean seriously - look at me - there is NOTHING here to be threatened by.  I don't like my exterior that much, so why would anyone else.

Jealousy kills marriages, just an FYI.  Don't be jealous.  It's cancerous.

Un-Parenting 101

So there's a crazy rumor going around that says that children do not come with an instruction manual when they're born, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news - but it's totally true!  When the baby comes bouncing out of the womb, unfortunately there's no book attached!  The baby is lovingly attached to your heart, and when babies are born you snuggle and coddle them close, but eventually they begin to learn independence - then that attachment that they have with you slowly begins to rip your heart right out of your chest and with every step they take, they get farther and farther away, breaking you down to where you are feeling like a worthless parent. With that being said WELCOME TO MOTHERHOOD!!!!  We're all crazy here!  Here's another sad truth - as parents, we have absolutely no stinking idea of what in the world we're doing when it comes to raising kids.  There you have it, we're all clueless.

In a world filled with germ-a-phobe moms who want their children to be overachievers and goal oriented, be better than everyone else's child, "don't touch that you don't know where it's been", "don't eat that - it's so unhealthy",  "I don't let little Johnny do that because it'll paint me as a bad parent..... !" Blah blah blah!!!  Wake up moms.   It's not about you OR your precious self image to be the best mom on the planet - who cares what adults are watching you, the more important thing is that your kids are watching you and THEY are ones who need to know they're loved. 

At the ripe young ages of 9 & 11, I am just ecstatic that my two boys are still alive!  With that being said, I must be doing something right, not from a manual of course, but to me it seems  right.   I know that the things I 'allow' my children to do aren't necessarily healthy for them either.   My kids eat corn-dogs, cheese puffs, chocolate and ice cream, watch way too much TV, see TV shows and movies with a few choice words, they talk back, are inconsiderate and ungrateful, their room is an abyss where stuff goes in but doesn't come out, and the list goes on..... Yea, I know (Shhhish!  keep your comments to yourself! You let yours get away with it too!).   

I grew up just knowing that my parents screwed me all up!! (To a degree they did......But shoot, they didn't know what the hell they we're doing either.... as previously mentioned 'babies don't come with instruction manuals.'   I believe that we create destruction manuals with our own children and we pass that manual down to our own children and their children's children.  We have to stop living through our children and let our children be children.  Life is not meant to be a stressful bore.  We've been given a beautiful and abundant life.  Let your children experience that same life.  Who cares if they pick up some Cheetos from the floor and eat it - they need some germs to build up antibodies in their immune systems. 

Point being - none of us know what we're doing, but by-golly, we're doing the best we can do!  Keep on rockin and being the best parent you can be for your kids!  Don't be the victim of your parents mishaps - you too shall have mishaps with your own babies!  Hopefully they'll learn from your mishaps and not pass them on to their children.

Divorce

I have made a decision.  A decision to not belong to this world or this life.  I am divorcing the old me, my old ways and my old negative serious cancerous self.  I am divorcing normal and boring and dull.   I shall not be bound or held hostage by my own mind.  I shall not entertain negative thoughts or harbor ill feelings towards others.  We are all running this race and we all handle it differently.  I am choosing to learn how to handle it better.

So many times I have felt like the problem is always "me", for some reason it's always my fault, whatever it is always points seems back at me.  Maybe I am just too hard on myself.  What if I am not the problem at all.  What if maybe the way I "handle" things is the root of my issues, the way I react to them.  I've always had this overwhelming feeling in my heart that I am the cause of great pain and misunderstanding and confusion, ever since my childhood, that's how it seemed anyway.  I am so tired of letting my past dictate my present and future on this earth.  I know I was created for something more than this!

My choice is to belong to a more magical life, a life beyond comprehension.  A life of more love, more freedom and much more simplicity.  A life where I take things in stride, where I respond positively rather than react negatively.  A life where I live on more of whim ready to respond to the call of love that God has placed in my heart.

I have learned that I am free to be the real ME.  Not the me that was fashioned around my upbringing or the me who a victim of life's circumstances.  Change takes time and I shall enjoy this time of change.  I shall literally become a new creation in Christ, the old me shall be gone.

I am free to be ME, the ME that God created me to be.  

Mothers Day Ahhhh!

As much as I started out loathing this darn day, it's actually been a nice day.  I have a husband who selflessly tries to put in smile on my heart.  He just wants me to be happy and know that I am appreciated.  The boys... I don't know.  Anyway, a few nice/fun gifts (Sharpies, Flash Gordon tee and an OrGreenic non-stick pan), cards and puppy prints in one of them from my very own pooch.  Church was emotional but very good.  Family treated me to lunch at Ichibon Hibachi in Kemah - which we all love.  Home to relax and chill out. 

I decided NOT to hate Mothers Day, but to embrace it and celebrate the woman I call "my mom."

For my mom:

My words won't reach your ears, they won't traverse the distance to heaven for you to hear them.  There's no point in wishing you a happy Mother's Day.... Instead of celebrating "mothers day" - I celebrate your life.  You live on through me and Sam and through our kids.  I am honored to have had you for my mom for 14,184 days!  You made me a strong-headed, strong-minded person with the ability to stand up for myself! 

I love you and thank God for our time together, but still I miss you all the time.

It's been a better day than I expected, because God is good and he brings peace and grace to those who are broken hearted and crushed in spirit.

Mothers Day BLAHHHH!

I hate this day.  I hate the way I feel.
I have merely decorated a freshly slung, wet piece of pottery with make up and a smile, I know that at some point during this dreary dang day that the glaze of eyeshadow and mascara will find it's way running down my face.  I am a cracked pot full of tears looking for an escape route from the pain and pressure that I feel inside.

Yes, I know I am selfish, but it's so unfair!

Worship to Wrath

It was a glorious Sunday night this past Sunday.  Church went very very well.  I enjoyed the day so much even though "busy" was on the menu for the day.
That evening we went back to church for a concert by the California Baptist University Choir.  These folks were amazing!!!  A bunch of well presented and kind people.  The very very first song they did was Holy, Holy, Holy..... It was lovely!!!  Like angels singing praises to The Lord above!
My evening of enjoyment and praise came to a screeching halt 3 Holies into this glorious song.  I have a son who likes to sing along with the praise/worship music on a typical Sunday.  To my dismay I heard a nasty Shhhhhhhh! and then caught the eyes being rolled at my child!!!  Let me just say she was shot a look from me that not many have ever seen.  She is way old enough to know better than to do that, especially to a child who is sitting right next to his mother (ME!).  I was hot.  Not I wasn't hot, I was livid!  In the middle of the beautiful voices that surrounded me, I sat, fuming.  I wanted nothing more than to punch her darn lights out and let her know she had no place.
This wasn't a situation that I "read too much into", it was taken exactly the way I took it.  Here's why I know, because last night at church, she barely glanced at me and quickly turned away, she would not make eye contact with me.  And she has a habit of sitting with a look of disdain on her face every time my son is near her..... Because I notice it. Every.time.  It's so sad that we as Christians kill our own wounded brothers and sisters.  Where is the love and acceptance?  Church is the last place I expect to treated with ignorance and hatred.  
I am so sick of folks NOT being nice to each other.  Even last night, I caught another young man being mean to my other child, not by hearing it 2nd hand, but by hearing it myself.  Something is amiss when we don't teach our children to love others and to NOT be mean.  Disciple and love begins at home.  So, God help me instill Christlike qualities in my children as well as in myself.

A Morning Such As This

This morning I was awakened by the sound of thunder rumbling aimlessly through the clouds and flashes of lightning bursting through the darkness.  The feelings have been building for a few weeks.  I don't always let these things out when I feel the urge to do so, I just go on and try to cover it up with a smile and pretend like I am not hiding a lot of pain behind these red strands and dark makeup.  I've had a certain heaviness and sadness in my heart for some time, a longing if you will, a homesickness.  A longing for things that will never 'be' again.

On a morning such as this, I miss my mom.  A lot.

I'm still in the grieving stages and this morning was all about her.  On my left hand was her silver ring band, the sound of the rain beating down outside was something she loved dearly, and to watch the lightning streak across the sky in every direction, then as I got ready to leave the house I could not find my jacket, I could only find hers.  I stood there fighting the tears that wouldn't cease and they only seemed to intensify the more I thought of her being gone.  I stood in the backdoor and let the sound of rain envelope me and the cold breeze nip at my face and chill the tears trailing down my cheeks.  I closed my eyes and imagined what she would be doing on a morning such as this.

On a morning such as this, I know exactly what she'd be doing and wearing and drinking and smoking and with teeth chattering, talking about how much she loves lightning and how it is too darn cold out here on a morning such as this!

On a morning such as this, it sucks to be mourning like this.

It's not a Good Friday, it's a GREAT Friday!

In honor of Good Friday.

I believe what I believe and that's not up for discussion.

I used to be a lost sinner who didn't believe in nothing.

Then at an Easter drama back in 2002 I saw things that moved me.  

A depiction of the death of Jesus that brought tears to my eyes.

This made me question things and began a stirring in my heart.

I was a "good" person, but being "good" does not get you into a right relationship with God or get you to heaven - Jesus does! 

I am the same old me, but with a different set of convictions and trying to live by the Word of God and trust me, I fail every.single.day. (This is where grace comes in!!)   Once you belong to Him, who is HOLY, He's the one who changes your heart.  It's hard most days.   The evil one out there in the world wants to drag you away and get you caught up in ungodly things, making you feel even more guilty.  Being a Christian isn't easy and it isn't promised that all your troubles will disappear, it just means you learn better ways of handling them and you have a hope and faith in God.

Wanna know about Jesus?  Ask me! 

It's been a while, but I'm still here

As a person who absolutely LOVES to write, I have not been writing much at all lately, not even in my journal!  Life has dealt it's fair share of glitches and I'm been feeling like a one legged cat on a frozen pond trying to bury a turd!  Everything has just seemed hopeless, but it's looking up finally.
Been dealing withI he loss of my mother, being in a financial bind and just feeling very bleak and low.  Trying to keep myself busy - which is currently working to keep my mind off of things..... I got a puppy!  After 11 years of not having a dog, I thought I just might be ready to be a pet parent again.  A friend of mine had a female italian greyhound who was expecting puppies with his male chihuahua, so I just couldn't help myself!   My puppy was born January 6, 2013 and we "met" him on February 20, then the next night we picked him up and brought him to his forever home, with us :) He's awesome!  He is very loved and he's a very welcome addition here.  He gets lots of love and attention.  Guess I was more ready than I thought I was.  So glad I got him!   He's been very healing to me, takes my mind off of things, gives me something else to focus on and take care of and nurture.  I just love him to pieces.

I have another blog in honor of my kids, it's www.mydirtynerdys.blogspot.com.  Therefore, my pooch is referred to as my "therd nerd". (Misspelled on purpose)

I LOVE MY THERD NERD!!!

Beauty of Tears

I find myself crying at random and most inappropriate moments these days.  I still miss my mom a lot.  I still think of her as if she is there in the country, chilling on the porch or planting flowers, but I know she isn't there.  I want to call her, but I know she won't answer.  I'd like to think of her looking down on me, but I know she isn't doing that either.  
We've been bombarded so much the last few months that it really puts me in a hard place emotionally to even care to begin the healing process.  Everything is so raw and fresh still.  At this moment, I still don't want to move from where I am, I don't want to begin the journey down the road to peace with everything.  I guess, in my mind I feel that if I start moving forward and trying to let her go, that I am "forgetting" about her and just getting on with my life; I feel as though I am betraying her memory - if that makes any sense whatsoever.
Tears of joy and pain stream down my cheeks, taking my mascara with it, leaving streaks running to the point where the tears drips off of my cheek and stain my pillow.  Crying is so good for the soul, good for the mood, and good for healing.  Elation and sadness finds it way out through my falling tears, it's so cleansing for my emotions.  I get to points where there is nothing I can do but cry, I get started and can't stop.  It actually helps me to cry, it's like her memory stays fresh on my heart and new and wonderful memories come to mind and give me something else to smile about.... or bawl about!
After cleaning up my backyard yesterday, I hung up her wind chimes and I sat outside enjoying my surroundings.  The weather was nice and little cool and breezy and my moms wind chimes were the only ones making music, I liked to think of her being near me at that moment, stopping by to say "hi" and "I'm with you".  And the tears of beautiful memories began to fall........  adding an element of healing to my broken heart.

Wonder how many more tears will fall before I take that first step in allowing my heart to begin healing.....

Annoyances of grieving

Don’t pretend to know the pain in my heart; don’t act like you know exactly how I feel.  You may understand to a certain degree of how I am feeling, but you don’t know how “I” feel.   I am so tired of hearing “I know exactly how you feel”….. blah blah blah!  I know these words are meant well and the intention behind them is meant to be helpful, but it really just makes me frustrated want to tell you to “shut up.”   I hope you never have to lose your mother at age 57 years young.  There are so many things we say to our grieving family and friends, things that just don’t make sense sometimes.  I know there are plenty of times that we just don’t know what to say or how to say it, so the first thing that comes to mind is what comes out of our mouths and it’s just the same thing over and over again.  Sometimes I just wish people would stop talking.  I also wish people who don’t really care, would just leave me alone and stop pretending to care.

I know my mother is NOT sitting up in heaven looking down on me, she is not crocheting scarves or afghans, she is not quilting or making fleece capes, she is not designing stained glass pieces or making turquoise and silver jewelry, she is not making mosaic coasters with frogs and palms trees, she is not making fresh homemade bread or  homemade french fries at midnight, she isn't whipping up pecan pies that we love so much, she’s not cracking jokes or snorting when she laughs, she’s not twisting her words up because her “fades don’t shit” aka her  “shades don’t fit”, she’s not sneaking drinks of someone else’s alcoholic beverage, she’s not blinging out her shirts with swarovski crystals.  I’m pretty sure she is not giving advice to anyone on their life or circumstances; she’s not trying to get out of the car with her seat belt still on because someone pissed her off to no end.  She was a feisty thing….. Maybe that’s where I get it from…  J  I am grateful for her spunk and her brass; it made me a stronger female and taught me to (being blunt here) - “not take shit” from anyone – so I don’t.  She taught me to be strong.  So I am going to keep on being that strong woman she taught me to be.

I know that others think that saying these things will console me and I get that, but the truth is my mom couldn't care less about this earth or any of us anymore.  So no, I don’t believe she is “looking down from above”.  I believe she is happy, healed and worshiping our awesome God.  She is in the presence of the Lord and we were created to worship Him. 

As for me, I am still dealing and having a hard time understanding it all.  But today, I am standing on a promise of God:   Psalm 34:18 says – The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart.  In Hebrews 13:5 - God says I will never leave you or forsake you.   These are the scriptures I need to dwell upon today.  Thank you Lord, for your Word.  Thank you for caring for your daughter.   

Lucky #13.....2013 that is.... we shall see

Happy New Year?  Lord, I hope so.

Brought in the new year in true Dillon style.  I/We've been sick for a week and a half.  So on my first outing since before Christmas, hubby took me and the kids out to eat dinner - Mexican food, typically my favorite thing to eat.  Let me just say it got the better of me last night - so you don't have to guess too many times to figure out where I was at midnight.  I spent my evening crocheting and being depressed over recent events in my life, a reflection on the negative if you will.  Aside from that, as I was ready for bed before midnight, and as I climbed into bed, my bed collapsed, so we spent the night on the couches, after 1st attempting to sleep on the sleeper sofa..... yea, no.   Way to wring out the old and bring in the new - a broken bed, then a fight with my dinner and being stricken by an unfathomable sense of homesickness (which I've been dealing with).

It is with new hopes and dreams and at some point, happier thoughts (once I get passed the grieving state), that I take on the new year.  I wish I had some words of wisdom or some amazing feat that I plan to accomplish this year, but I don't.  I do have new year plans, but they're not for world domination or for weight lose or anything of the usual unattainable nonsense of another cliche' new year resolution.  After the wringer of a year we had with 2012, I pray that 2013 brings about a much better 12 months.   2012 wasn't plain awful, but the last month of it certainly ate my lunch and took my sanity and jumped out the window with it.  Lots of wonderful things happened in 12, I just wish I could focus on only the good, but I cant, because I am letting the bad consume me right now as I sit here in a very dark lonely place.  

My plan for 2013 is just to get a handle on finances, pay off some debt,  focus on what is really important, spend better quality time hanging out with my kids AND possibly getting a job to take off some of the pressure for my Mahoney.  At this point, I am very much concerned about our future and where we will be in the next 10/20/30 years.  I know God has way better plans than mine, but I am unfortunately not sure what those plans are and I am tired of the torture we've gone through - so now I begin this year with hopefully a strong leading arm from God and many open doors for which I may walk through.  There's a whole lot of "me" work ahead this year.  God - do something with me - because you know I cant!!!

I wish you all health and provision in this new year :)