Beauty of Tears

I find myself crying at random and most inappropriate moments these days.  I still miss my mom a lot.  I still think of her as if she is there in the country, chilling on the porch or planting flowers, but I know she isn't there.  I want to call her, but I know she won't answer.  I'd like to think of her looking down on me, but I know she isn't doing that either.  
We've been bombarded so much the last few months that it really puts me in a hard place emotionally to even care to begin the healing process.  Everything is so raw and fresh still.  At this moment, I still don't want to move from where I am, I don't want to begin the journey down the road to peace with everything.  I guess, in my mind I feel that if I start moving forward and trying to let her go, that I am "forgetting" about her and just getting on with my life; I feel as though I am betraying her memory - if that makes any sense whatsoever.
Tears of joy and pain stream down my cheeks, taking my mascara with it, leaving streaks running to the point where the tears drips off of my cheek and stain my pillow.  Crying is so good for the soul, good for the mood, and good for healing.  Elation and sadness finds it way out through my falling tears, it's so cleansing for my emotions.  I get to points where there is nothing I can do but cry, I get started and can't stop.  It actually helps me to cry, it's like her memory stays fresh on my heart and new and wonderful memories come to mind and give me something else to smile about.... or bawl about!
After cleaning up my backyard yesterday, I hung up her wind chimes and I sat outside enjoying my surroundings.  The weather was nice and little cool and breezy and my moms wind chimes were the only ones making music, I liked to think of her being near me at that moment, stopping by to say "hi" and "I'm with you".  And the tears of beautiful memories began to fall........  adding an element of healing to my broken heart.

Wonder how many more tears will fall before I take that first step in allowing my heart to begin healing.....

Annoyances of grieving

Don’t pretend to know the pain in my heart; don’t act like you know exactly how I feel.  You may understand to a certain degree of how I am feeling, but you don’t know how “I” feel.   I am so tired of hearing “I know exactly how you feel”….. blah blah blah!  I know these words are meant well and the intention behind them is meant to be helpful, but it really just makes me frustrated want to tell you to “shut up.”   I hope you never have to lose your mother at age 57 years young.  There are so many things we say to our grieving family and friends, things that just don’t make sense sometimes.  I know there are plenty of times that we just don’t know what to say or how to say it, so the first thing that comes to mind is what comes out of our mouths and it’s just the same thing over and over again.  Sometimes I just wish people would stop talking.  I also wish people who don’t really care, would just leave me alone and stop pretending to care.

I know my mother is NOT sitting up in heaven looking down on me, she is not crocheting scarves or afghans, she is not quilting or making fleece capes, she is not designing stained glass pieces or making turquoise and silver jewelry, she is not making mosaic coasters with frogs and palms trees, she is not making fresh homemade bread or  homemade french fries at midnight, she isn't whipping up pecan pies that we love so much, she’s not cracking jokes or snorting when she laughs, she’s not twisting her words up because her “fades don’t shit” aka her  “shades don’t fit”, she’s not sneaking drinks of someone else’s alcoholic beverage, she’s not blinging out her shirts with swarovski crystals.  I’m pretty sure she is not giving advice to anyone on their life or circumstances; she’s not trying to get out of the car with her seat belt still on because someone pissed her off to no end.  She was a feisty thing….. Maybe that’s where I get it from…  J  I am grateful for her spunk and her brass; it made me a stronger female and taught me to (being blunt here) - “not take shit” from anyone – so I don’t.  She taught me to be strong.  So I am going to keep on being that strong woman she taught me to be.

I know that others think that saying these things will console me and I get that, but the truth is my mom couldn't care less about this earth or any of us anymore.  So no, I don’t believe she is “looking down from above”.  I believe she is happy, healed and worshiping our awesome God.  She is in the presence of the Lord and we were created to worship Him. 

As for me, I am still dealing and having a hard time understanding it all.  But today, I am standing on a promise of God:   Psalm 34:18 says – The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart.  In Hebrews 13:5 - God says I will never leave you or forsake you.   These are the scriptures I need to dwell upon today.  Thank you Lord, for your Word.  Thank you for caring for your daughter.   

Lucky #13.....2013 that is.... we shall see

Happy New Year?  Lord, I hope so.

Brought in the new year in true Dillon style.  I/We've been sick for a week and a half.  So on my first outing since before Christmas, hubby took me and the kids out to eat dinner - Mexican food, typically my favorite thing to eat.  Let me just say it got the better of me last night - so you don't have to guess too many times to figure out where I was at midnight.  I spent my evening crocheting and being depressed over recent events in my life, a reflection on the negative if you will.  Aside from that, as I was ready for bed before midnight, and as I climbed into bed, my bed collapsed, so we spent the night on the couches, after 1st attempting to sleep on the sleeper sofa..... yea, no.   Way to wring out the old and bring in the new - a broken bed, then a fight with my dinner and being stricken by an unfathomable sense of homesickness (which I've been dealing with).

It is with new hopes and dreams and at some point, happier thoughts (once I get passed the grieving state), that I take on the new year.  I wish I had some words of wisdom or some amazing feat that I plan to accomplish this year, but I don't.  I do have new year plans, but they're not for world domination or for weight lose or anything of the usual unattainable nonsense of another cliche' new year resolution.  After the wringer of a year we had with 2012, I pray that 2013 brings about a much better 12 months.   2012 wasn't plain awful, but the last month of it certainly ate my lunch and took my sanity and jumped out the window with it.  Lots of wonderful things happened in 12, I just wish I could focus on only the good, but I cant, because I am letting the bad consume me right now as I sit here in a very dark lonely place.  

My plan for 2013 is just to get a handle on finances, pay off some debt,  focus on what is really important, spend better quality time hanging out with my kids AND possibly getting a job to take off some of the pressure for my Mahoney.  At this point, I am very much concerned about our future and where we will be in the next 10/20/30 years.  I know God has way better plans than mine, but I am unfortunately not sure what those plans are and I am tired of the torture we've gone through - so now I begin this year with hopefully a strong leading arm from God and many open doors for which I may walk through.  There's a whole lot of "me" work ahead this year.  God - do something with me - because you know I cant!!!

I wish you all health and provision in this new year :)