Welcome to my blog, it's my life, these are my thoughts. Sometimes they're cheerful and happy, sometimes they're a big pile of bantha fodder.

Friday, November 17, 2017

Oh lover of my Soul

Oh lover of my soul
Be gentle with my heart
Treat me with gentleness
And treat me smart
For I have been
Worn down and weary
And I long for this new start
Though I am a little scared
Of the rush
My desire to go slow
Is interrupted
By the thought of your touch
It's the happiness 
You bring 
That makes my heart wear a bigger smile
Over this entire thing
And I love this feeling of joy
My feelings run so deep
For you
My boy

So I ask you again
Oh lover of my soul
Please be gentle with my heart


Tuesday, November 14, 2017

William

Frozen.  You sit.  The chill begins to reach the bones.  A brisk cold overtakes your core.  Ice forms on the mantle of your once warm beating heart, leaving you lifeless and hard.  The cold shards begin to chip away at your already beaten soul.  You let it.  After all, what's the use.  You've never had a happy ending anyway.  You've come to expect disappoint and hurt. You've allowed those negative things to take root in you so many times before, you have pulled yourself out of the rut and here you are once again.  Why should this time be any different from the last.  You keep your cold hard guard up and don't let anyone in.  The place you've cut off, trying to learn how to not feel so much, so you won't get burned.   Walls are easier to build than having to deal with the hurt.  Why in the world would you ever allow yourself to be vulnerable... again.

Then, along came this guy.

Someone unexpected. Someone you weren't even looking for.  He breezed his way into my life without warning, without notice.  He wasn't invited.  He came along and he slowly began the process of thawing you out and warming you up.  So much so that you could feel yourself breaking free from the chill, the cold, the ice that you've let enrapture your heart time and time again.  You slowly begin realizing that the ice is melting and the warmth of your heart was free again.  There he was, meticulously reviving all that was cold, dark, lost and lonely.  Leaving you free to believe again.  You start to believe that life doesn't have to be this way or that way,  that it can just be downright amazing.  That love is real and tangible and there are still beautiful men out there with the most amazing hearts!   I get to call one of them mine.

Dedicated to my selfless rescuer, my WonderBoo

Friday, September 8, 2017

Wading Through The Deep

           Learning too much about stress, waiting, confusion, loneliness, frustration, aggravation and lots about love.  Life is so full of surprises, good and bad. 
          
          Things are not always what they appear to be on the outside.  The external is covered with a smile that hides the hell that's going on inside.  I think we are all basically wrecked inside, some of us just have better ways of hiding it, and maybe even more creative ways of dealing with our wrecked selves.  

          I don't handle things as well as I wish I did.  I know I am stronger than I allow myself to be.  Some days I just feel so weak, so worn and so weary that I can't see passed my owns problems and stresses of life.  Stress leads to frustration and aggravation with everything and everyone around me.  Stress elevates and heightens all my other problems, making them seem even worse than they really are.  The kicker is that I know what my root cause of stress is, there's just nothing I can do about it right now.  So I continue muddling through each day with the hopes that tomorrow will be better than today.  I hold out for the hope of each coming day.

          Love, wow.  Love is so great. Being in love is mind blowing.  I can't say enough about it.  There are so many emotions tangled up with the simply complex word, love.  Caring about someone else's welfare on every damn level possible.  Worrying about them, sometimes even above worrying about yourself.  Putting them first, in every thought and feeling, being so concerned with their being in every way.  I love really hard and really deeply.  I can't help it, that's how I was created, to BE a LOVER. It's daunting, painful and scary and I wouldn't trade a moment of it for the one my soul loves.  I would do it all over again without question!  My answer is yes, every. fucking. time.  YES.

          There's been an awakening, have you felt it?  My faith has taken a huge hit and a great turn in the right direction.   For the last couple of years I've questioned everything I believe against everything I have seen, felt and experienced from my past and those things don't line up with what I've believed in the more recent past.  It's hard to separate those things.  It doesn't have to be either this or that, learning to see with a different eye what's going on around me.  Picking apart my faith, piece by piece and trying to figure out where all these pieces fit to create a clearer picture for me.  I have found out (again) that meditation and breathing really helps me work through things.  I am rediscovering things that I used to do and finding what I need in other avenues of spiritual awareness.  There just has to be some foundational truths to each religion, some sort of takeaway that speaks to my soul, truths that are willing to guide me.  I'm discovering things via a more mystical approach to spirituality.  Seeking a more intimate and deeper awareness of God and of myself.  Seeing myself more as a mystic I suppose.  I have been learning tons and still have loads more to learn, but I am thoroughly enjoying the process of being remolded and challenged in my ways of thinking.  Causing me to open my eyes and see the mysterious things of God more clearly and it's so exciting!   I've never been a closed minded person when it comes to spirituality anyway.  I've tossed the glorified baptist Christian label out the damn window.  Over it.  Moving on and moving up to the next level.
             
So since this is my blog and writing helps me wade through the shittiness of life, I guess I should leave myself some tidbits of hope for all the hard days to come, since I revisit my own blog pretty regularly:

*Hold out for your love, it's definitely going to be worth it!
*See the value in yourself, the ways others do
*One month from now things will be different
*A year from now life will be different 
*The future is brighter than the present
*Creativity is your superpower, use it 
*You are stronger than you know
*Be kind to and love yourself
*Find the joy in the waiting
*Learn to let SHIT go
*This too shall pass
*Joy is coming

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Overwhelmed

Reset to 0 days without incident.

I am so tired.

I am so overwhelmed.

I am so emotionally exhausted.

I am so overwhelmed.

I am so tired.

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Searching & Seeking

Questioning my life
Questioning my entire existence
Questions about God, The Holy Spirit & Eternity
What is the truth in all these things
Are they real
Could it all be a rouze
Difference between spirituality & religion 
Life
Love, true love and soul mates 
My life and what got me here, to this place
Marriage
What I want
What I don't want
What I desire
How I want to live
How I see my future
Who I see my future with 💚
Job & Career goals
What do I want to do with the rest of my life
What are my life's goals
How do I reach those goals
Where does my passion lie
What makes me smile
What makes my heart happy
What takes my breath away
How do I balance everything
How do I keep my head on straight
And a million why's that I shouldn't even give thought to
Desperately trying to keep my focus on the hows
How to move forward
How to reach my goals
How to get what I want, what I desire 
How do I keep from being overwhelmed in the process
How do I hold it all together and keep a level head
How do I find the answers to all these questions
Searching and seeking

I will attempt, over a period of time, to answer all these questions for myself.
I desire to know these things.

Welcome to ... my head!  
I'm exhausted.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Crisis Aftermath

Yesterday evening, I slipped off into a quiet sanctuary and prayed and cried and prayed and cried some more.  Asking God to protect all those that I love and all the other people affected by this storm and the next places it's headed.  It has been a nightmare.

As I went to bed last night, I checked the radar one last time to see what kind of night we were in for.  The radar appeared to be clear and the storm looked as though it was possibly heading farther east than expected, meaning it wasn't hitting us head on anymore.  I took a long look at the sky and hoped that was true.   I had already prepared myself for a direct hit. Went to sleep with a little peace in my heart as I hoped I had read the weather radar correctly!  

All through the night I woke up here and there and listened for the rain... nothing.  It was silent.  

Woke up at 7:30 AM to a weirdly wicked orange sky.  It wasn't raining.  I was elated!!!  Awakening my guys with a shout of "Let's go home!  Let's go home!"  We packed and left!  We were home within 30 minutes of waking up! 

There was debris in the streets, ditches had gone down for the most part...and home, home was GREAT!  Just as we had left it.  We quickly made our way in to check everything out and unload.  Showers were had, laundry was started, things were unpacked.  There is still tons to be done.  We dressed, grabbed a quick bite and headed back up to the church at 8:45 AM.  We are still a shelter and have families staying there.  

Checked in on my family who were next in Harvey's radar and they were fine!!  All of them!  The storm didn't hit them directly, but landed west of them.  Again, pure elation!

The morning and afternoon today were very busy with families needing food and essentials.  Today our food pantry served about 35 families. It was BUSY.  Donations kept rolling in, and we kept serving.  Such a generous outpouring from our community of folks and businesses!  I am still so proud to be a Baytownian! 

Tired but blessed to be a blessing to so many others who are struggling right along side us.

Things looked so bleak for so long.  Wow.  We are still here.  We have survived.  We are alive.  

#hurricaneharvey #baytownstrong #houstonstrong 

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Crisis Strong

Hurricane Harvey had his eyes set on Corpus Christi, ultimately making landfall head on in Rockport, TX on Friday, August 25 as a category 4 hurricane with 130 mph winds.   It moved quickly over the area leaving a wake of destruction in its fast track to the east.
The storm very quickly made its way to Houston and the surrounding areas.  Decimating the previous landscape with quickly rising flood waters.  People clamoring to get to higher ground.  This was so unexpected. This came out of nowhere.  Water rapidly rose, endangering lives, taking over homes and businesses, stealing everything from 10's of thousands of people.
I had moderately prepared for the possibly of this storm hitting us and being inconvenienced for a few days.  Who knew this storm would end up lasting 5-6 days dumping trillions of gallons of water on our beloved city and the communities around it.  I am a native Houstonian, born and raised.  My heart breaks for my hometown city.  I live 20 miles east of Houston in Baytown, population 80,000 or so now.  I love my community and the people in it.  We are strong, we are survivors.  Hurricanes and tropical storms come with living on the coast.  It's all part of the beauty ... and the choas.
My heart breaks for the numerous people who have lost everything, some even lost their lives trying to escape.  Death toll is currently at 12.  Just awful.  Family members and friends are flooded in or flooded out.  I'm worried about my house taking on water.  Tonight is going to be the real deal here as the tropical storm rolls up through here for a final and 3rd hit. 
It began with my family in Corpus, rolled through Houston and Baytown hitting us and taking a turn for Lake Charles where my parents are and heading down towards Baton Rouge where my sister is.  This is truly and sadly a family affair!  Most of my family has been or will be affected by this. 
We have made every preparation possible in our house to secure some of our belongings in case water came into our home.  Putting as much as we could up high and off the floor.  The water kept rising ... then falling...then rising...then falling and rising.  When it got to the point where it wouldn't fall, we decided it was time to leave.  We evacuated on Monday evening to my church, which is also the church I work at.   We decided it was better to be safe than sorry.  Afraid we would end up having to attempt an evacuation when it would be near impossible. There are limited places to go as well. Monday night went well, we were in a safe place.  It rained, but not too terribly bad. 

Tuesday morning we got up and around and found a donut shop open and bought some breakfast and checked our street.  Water was still standing, but it wasn't terrible.  Ditches were still very full with nowhere for water to drain off.  So tonight we are staying at the church again.
Tuesday morning turned to afternoon and then it happened.  Our church became an evacuation shelter without warning.  A truck full of people showed up and was bring dropped off by a rescue crew.  Everything was fast forward without a plan!  It was a bit much, a furious scurrying of people and no plan.  Details eventually fell into place, all hands on deck, volunteers showed up, donations were rolling in and the volunteers worked very hard to get things organized and set up.  It was great to see so many people join together to help each other in such a time of crisis.  I'm proud of 'people' today. The human condition - we are fragile & breakable human beings and are not immune to the sufferings this life sometimes throws at us.
 
I'm staying in a heartbroken state of prayer.  Begging God to clear this up and make a way for everyone.  The cleanup will be long and extensive.

We are #BaytownStrong & #HoustonStrong We will be good again.  I am so PROUD of my community!!

Tomorrow's blog ... Crisis Aftermath