Welcome to my blog, it's my life, these are my thoughts. Sometimes they're cheerful and happy, sometimes they're a big pile of bantha fodder.

Saturday, December 31, 2016

Goodbye 2016

This year I have learned that I am breakable, mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. I spend more time being a hot mess of emotions than a stable person with a sound mind.  Sometimes I think I've gone mad, but for the most part I'm just a normal person experiencing full frontal life in a head on fashion.

I've learned that life is so fragile and it truly is just a vapor.  You don't know when your time is up.  All of our days are numbered and we don't have a clue as to the when, the how or the why.  We've lost Carrie Fisher (Princess Leia) this week, her mom Debbie Reynolds, and George Michael, we've lost Kenny Baker (R2D2), and Prince this year.  It's been a sad year for this 80's lovin Star Wars-aholic.  So sad that so many amazingly talented people have been taken this year, along with many more.

I've learned that my Aspie freshman, can and will survive high school without me and that beng booted from band was a blessing in disguise. He is thriving and doing well and loving his art class.   I've learned that my 7th grader will still experience drama so long as he is still in junior high (come on high school!).  I'm so over 12 year old drama. I've learned that the puberty of my sister and I likely drove my parents crazy then like it is me and my hubby now with these two beautiful sons we have.

I have learned that now matter how long you belong to a body of Christ and develop relationships with the members that develop into friendships...go visit another church or two and you start getting the cold shoulder from those you've loved and vested your time in and cared for and ministered alongside.  They will turn.  Unfortunately church feels more like a club for the elite, rather than a hospital for sinners to serve others in love and humility.  Not all churches are exactly doing the Lords work.  That's not what I desire in being with a body of Christ.  So the search continues for a new church home in the new year.

I've learned that health is fragile and if you don't treat your body right, it's hard to get it where it needs to be to be healthy again.  Undoing all he damage is hard work.  I began having blood pressure issues (130/90 range) and had to do something about it ASAP, or be forced on pills that I don't want to rely on to live, especially if I am too lazy to do the hard work myself.  I'm taking the hard work route through this.  Supplement free, pill free, healthier eating, mindful eating, and exercise.  I have to be honest though, I HATE exercise.  I have lost 35 lbs in the last 1-1/2 years, so that's progress!  If I croak, it won't be for a complete lack of trying to better myself.  I weight 203lbs currently, which is a number I can live with being that I was at 238lbs, 18 months ago.  Decreased portion size, eat only when I'm hungry or feel that I need to eat, cut out most sugar (I love sugar, I'm part elf!) and I am watching my sodium intake, cut out most processed foods.  Making positive changes and seeing results is extremely helpful.

I have learned that I have to let go of mom.  Grieving for her makes me feel worse, it depresses me, it weighs me down, it's burdensome in an unhealthy way.  I have grieved my mom so much that it has made me ill.  I have learned through my health issues a similar kind of pain and anguish and fear that my mother likely dealt with during her sick times.  Dealing with heart disease, kidney failure, diabetes, etc.  I decided that it was selfish and unfair of me to try to keep her here even feeling terrible the way she did for so long.  I choose to let her go free, so I can be free of the weight of grief I carry for her. I choose to be happy for her having a completely healed body and mind and soul and being pain free, sadness free, free from the shackles of her ill health.

I have learned to appreciate my family even more, because I never know when my last day is, or their last day is.  Love them hard, love them big, love them boldly and unconditionally.  Live every day like it's the last.  I hug them longer, kiss them more, tell them I love them.  This is of utmost importance.  I don't want them to forget the level of love I have for them and they mean everything to me.

I have learned that I have a lot to learn.  I am learning to let go and just be me.  I am learning contentment in all things.  I am learning to feel more comfortable in my skin, this body is just vehicle for me to use while I am on this rock.  I am learning to enjoy what's right in front of me. I am learning that my family are the only ones that matter and the only ones who will be here with and for me, they're my people and I love them.

Goodbye 2016, it's been fun (NOT!).  I'm moving in to a new year! 

Saturday, October 8, 2016

I choose me

Have you ever had your soul wrecked by someone or some someone's?  It sucks to have been the victim of someone taking your soul and then smash, trash and beat it to a pulp.  It's like having every individual fiber of your being slowly plucked out one by one by one, until there's nothing left.  You no longer recognize yourself, you've become a different person, you don't even know who you are anymore.  A person who feels worthless, less than human, devalued.  You've spent so much time being attacked and ripped apart by other abusers... their job is done, finished, completed.  Mission accomplished.  Now they've elevated themselves to a place where they feel powerful and in control of you, your emotions, your thoughts, your actions and your self-worth.  Since their job is done, they're done with you.  The abuse still continues, this time you are the abuser.  The wrecker of your soul, the one who maintains what they've started.  Trash talking yourself and believing every damn word because you've heard it so many times before.  And, you totally suck as a human, right?  Your life means nothing.  You'll never amount to anything.  You're evil.  You have a big ass...you've always had a big ass, but you used to be thinner you've been told over and over and over again and now tell yourself.  Each degrading word is now etched and ingrained into the leftover fiber of your being.  Every negative word or thought ends up plucking a fiber of your being from you.  What happens to all those tiny pieces of you once they're all pulled out?  You become a pitiful, useless pile of existence.  You don't matter.  Manipulation and mental abuse have ruled you, all your life.  You are no longer you.  You're no longer recognizable to yourself or to those around you.  

I wish people would realize the damage that they cause other people.  I wish people, family included, truly cared about other people.  If people were kind and treated each other with love, there would be a mess fewer f'd up people walking around loathing themselves.  It boils down to others having power, control, manipulating others and being a puppet master who controls the weak and devalued.  The sad part of this is that those controlling people are the ones who are weak minded and insecure, yet they've unloaded all their garbage onto you and made you feel lower about yourself than they ever did about themselves.  Transference.  Boom, now you are the one who is trampled under foot.  Pond scum.

I've had very influential people in my life, people I truly love/loved who have crushed me, cursed me and broke me down to noting.  It sucks.  There's nothing like walking through life feeling like shit and thinking you'll never recover from it and during those times, you really don't care if you do.  You're not in a place where you're thinking recovery, you're thinking suicide, because you're so damn worthless and you don't matter.  You don't even like you anymore.

Once in a while, every once in a while, a rescuer comes in an unexpected, unwelcome person, at the worst time of your life and loves you and all your broken pieces.  They scoop up every piece of you and embrace you, pulverized soul and all.

They care for you, they don't judge you.  They'll listen to the spoken language of your busted up heart.  Like a sculptor, they slowly chisel away the hurt, the abuse, uselessness, the anger, the worthlessness, the hatred, the resentment and bitterness.   They don't mock you, they don't make you feel bad about who you, they don't necessarily relate to all you've been through, but they listen out a place of love for your soul.  They ever so delicately, and consistently begin painting a picture of you in a new light, you start to see yourself they way they see you.  This is a slow (very slow!!!) and gradual process.  You start to see that you were the victim of the emotional pain and manipulation that others felt.  You realize that you are human being capable of being loved, that you're cared for, that your soul can finally begin healing and that someone else on this crazy planet cherishes and treasures you...because he thinks the sun shines out of MY ass!  Mine! 

Lingering thoughts and feelings remain, and I'm dealing with those, not always in the most constructive ways, but I'm dealing, realizing and moving forward with this life.  Not everyone gets this opportunity to begin healing, but I sure wish they did!   We'd all be a lot less destructive to ourselves if we had someone to jump down into the pit of despair with us and love us all the way to the top.  

To all the contributors of my despair and self-loathing ... YOU LOSE.  Consider yourself evicted from my thoughts, they are now all my own and whomever I let contribute to them in love.  


Friday, September 30, 2016

Live well this life, you must

My view on living this life well.

Drink all the coffee.  Get lost in the giggles. Bust a gut til your sides hurt.  Munch on some delicious grindage.  Wrap up in the chill of an early fall morning.  Make all the stuff.  Eat dessert first.  Take all the photos you can.  Eat nachos every day.  Cheese is awesome.  Watch the sun set in the evening. You are fabulous and family is the bomb.  Ice cream is a great dinner.  Snuggle all the dogs! Buy the darn shoes. Drink the wine.  Be brave.  Dip your fries in your Frosty.  Glitter bomb everything, because glitter is the shizz!  Eat nachos every single day.  Simplify. Color your hair.  Paint all your nails a different color. Do what makes you happy.  Turn off the TV.  Watch a sunrise.  Hang out with your people. Crunch fall leaves under your feet.  Don't ever match your socks.  Shake off the haters, because not everyone will like you.  Don't depend on others to make you happy.  Have a game night!  Eat delicious nachos.  Eat the cake for breakfast.  Enjoy the smell of burnt matches.  Have cold pizza for breakfast.  Build a fire and roast some marshmallows.  The small things matter.  Buy the yarn.  Get off Facebook.  Play with the puppies.  Have a picnic in the backyard.  Buy all the cool sunglasses.  Paint the painting cause you're an artist.  Buy the shirt.  Kiss and hug, I like PDA!  I'm a hugger.  Be a hugger.  Kiss your spouse and kids.  Don't be ashamed of who you are.  Get lost in the glorious life you live, and actually LIVE the hell out of it.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Summer Ends With A Screeching Halt

I sit here tonight with tear filled eyes, as two showers are currently running in my house with the readying of 2 boys who head off to school tomorrow...and my nerves are shot.  Did I tell my oldest everything he needs to know before he heads into high school tomorrow morning as a freshman?   Have I taught him well enough to handle situations when they arise?  Is he responsible enough to handle all the responsibilities that come with schoolwork, homework, after school band practice, football games, and being capable of handling himself when he's away from me for away games?   Am I always going to have to explain to people about who he is as a person and the underlying conditions that always seem to scratch...or claw their way to the surface of a rather seemingly normal kid, until he starts scripting movies and singing songs.  I'm scared out of my mind right now.  Have I taught him to be kind enough, gentle enough, compassionate enough and respectful enough to be around people his age?  Have the other kids his age been taught to be compassionate and kind to kids like him?  Kids they don't understand?  Is high school still the way it was back in 89 when I wanted to hide under a rock from being made fun of and named called and belittled because I was shy?   Are kids still that mean?   Will they ever know what a sweet kid he is or will they only focus on his negative attributes.  Will he be successful this year with his schoolwork?   Will he finally get it all together?  I don't know.  

 Will my middle schooler experience drama just like in the years past?  Is he ever going to learn to close his mouth and NOT cause extra drama.  Will he ever realize when it's the right time to shut his mouth.   I love that he's strongwilled, but the dramatic stuff can take a long walk off a short pier, because seriously.  Will he finally do better this year than last year or the years prior, academically.  Will he finally pass these dumbass STAAR tests that he "has to pass before he's promoted to the next grade level?"   Will he hone in on his artistic skills this year and apply himself this time?  Will homework make it to my house AND get done?  Will he eat spaghetti and chicken patty sandwiches everyday, again?   Will he make good and wise choices and choose kind friends from the get go?  Has he been taught correctly to be polite and kind and loving towards people and will he apply it when the opportunities arise?

This school year comes with a lot of stress and a buttload of changes.  I'm having to pretty much shutdown my massage therapy practice just to make room for marching band practice, football games and of course my day job.  It kinda sucks.  I feel like I am mourning a loss.  Looking at everything written down is about to kill me.  I'm stressed to the max.  I hope that in a week or two we will be in routine that I can handle and that my stress level drops drastically.

My insides are all in knots.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Today My Prince Died

I can't believe it.  I keep shaking my head in disbelief.  This hurts my soul so bad.  I am still in shock, like I'm awaiting someone to pinch me and tell me that I'm only dreaming all of this.  Very few artists come along in a persons lifetime who touch you to your core with their lyrical genius and mad beats.  Prince is one of mine.  I liken his passing today to that of Elvis in the generation before me and impact he had on that generation.  Prince is a great in my generation.  He pretty much owned my entire adolescence on up into my adult life.  I am influenced and impacted by the musical life he shared with us all.  I 💜 Prince Rogers Nelson.  My people have truly lost an amazing artist and talented man.  We grieve by celebrating his life and career. 

"Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life." - Prince 💜

Thursday, March 31, 2016

My Legs Are My Hiding Place

You don't really want to know, but you're curious.  You don't really understand, but you're judgemental.  The curiosity is likely hinged on comparing your life to that of another who struggles, in turn trying to feel better about who you are and how screwed up another person is, so you can truly say "I'm so blessed!"  all the while pitying and condemning another over their lack of self control.  We don't all hide pain very well.  We don't all have our pain under control.  Control, there's a concept for you.  The pain I allow myself to feel is under my control.  I explore the level of the depth of pain and decide how deep it's allowed to go and how to release it when it's too much.

My legs.  My legs are my secret hiding place (well, not now, because I shared that).  Abused, battered, bruised, punished, cut, punched.  Pain escapes me in many ways.  Sometimes hurts can hurt us so deep that they'll eventually start boiling over and find a way to the surface in whatever shape, form or fashion it desires.   Cutting, hitting, beating my legs is the overflow of all the emotional pain I have, when things get overwhelming, when I'm consumed with lack of control - this is the one thing I CAN control.  My choice,  I decide,  I can feel as little or as much as I want to.

I share this because this is MY blog about ME and MY life.  I don't want sympathy or attention.  It's a serious struggle for many, many people, people of all ages and walks of life.  You'd be surprised how many of us resort to this as our escape, our way to regain what we feel we're losing control over.  For each person it's beginning has deep roots, different roots than the next person.  Attempt to understand,

March is coming to a close and this month is self-injury awareness month.  In light of this, I wanted to share some of my life in relation to this addiction.   Please try to understand and love and support those who are hurting and hurting themselves in the process.   This isn't a fad and it's not a joke.  This is a real deal.  

#wewillnotbesilent #selfinjuryawareness #siad2016 #TWLOHA #wewillbethehopeful 

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Minus One

Then there were nine.  Today is Thanksgiving.  Family will be over and the food will be cooked.  We'll all eat until we are as stuffed as turkeys.  We'll laugh and chat and talk about the weather, what the kids have been doing in school, how the drive was coming in from Grapeland, how the dogs are doing, how different family members are doing and stuff, we'll tell stupid jokes that bring a giggle or two.

There will be this looming 1 ton elephant in the room all day, hanging around, watching us, waiting for us to talk about it, waiting for the tears to fall, watching to see how painfully we trudge through Thanksgiving minus one.  Maybe to see how well we can handle this, how much we're committed to moving forward and enjoying the old memories, as well as making some new memories in the process.  Possibly to see if we're ready to begin a journey without her here.  It's not a journey any of us want to go on.  Unfortunately, we have to.  

As hard as this day may be for me, I know it's especially hard on my dad as well.  There's never enough time that passes that heals all the wounds, aches and hurts from suffering a massive loss.  The kind of loss that gashes a hole in the very life you've known, ripping it all to hell.

She was a mom.
She was a grandmother.
She was a wife.
She was a soulmate.
She was a sister.
She was a best friend.
She was a daughter.
She is healed completely.
She is with the Lord.

Eventually, this will be well with my soul.  Today is hard.  Even in the difficulty of he day, I'm thankful.

Thankful for my family, my kids, my Mahoney, my dads, my second mom, my brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, my nana, my pooch, my friends, that I'm here to enjoy a holiday with the people I love, that I have talents and abilities, that I love and am loved, that I'm here to celebrate another year of Thanksgiving with most of my people.

Even though we're minus one.