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Church.  Normally the first thought at the word 'church' is a place of peace and sanctuary, a place to meet with God.  But if you are not a church goer and don't get why we church folks are even in church, your first thoughts are probably that  'church isn't for me', 'nothing but crazy radical people in there', 'I don't want to get mixed up with holy rollers'... Etc, and the reasons go on and on.  The bottom line is this, each of our reasons vary in why we go to church, hopefully there's a commonality amongst those of Christian faith - that being, Christ, as the basis of our faith.  Our love for Jesus should compel us to want to attend church and want to serve in his name and for his glory.
My home church is going through a lull, attendance is low, people are leaving our church to find bigger and better things at other locations.  Everyone is having trouble figuring out what the problem is.  Truth is, we are the problem, I am the problem.  Those who are doing a lot of work are upset that they are the only ones doing the work, complaining that no one else is helping.  I seriously don't think Jesus complained about who was helping him in his earthly ministry, so why should we complain.  He didn't complain about it, he just did it.  He carried out the plans that God set before him and it didn't matter who went along.

Good grief, this is nuts!

As the dreaded day of Thanksgiving approaches, I feel a heaviness in my chest, the grief deepens and the lump in my throat is slowly rising, the pit in my stomach sinks lower and lower. My eyes well up and my breathe becomes labored, then the salty tears tumble hurriedly down my cheeks, each one carrying a little heartbreak and sorrow, happiness and memories.

I stood in the baking aisle at the grocery store a few days ago and started to tear up looking at damn pecans!!!  For crying out loud they're just stinking pecans. It hit me that I have your bowl that you used to make your pecan pie in and your green glass pecan pie plates and I am about to make that same pecan pie recipe for my family and start new traditions and new memories, and I feel that with every new memory I make, I may be pushing out old ones. I am not ready for this. I am not sure where I even fit in yet. I'd rather curl up in bed, wrap your jacket around me and cry. This is soooo not easy. Sorrow is easily hidden under makeup and a smile. Some wounds are not visible to the naked eye. My soul is still suffering the brunt of grief and loss.  

I hate this week. I am looking for thankful parts...

I miss you dearly

Nagging List Of Issues

i wish i didn't feel alone

i wish i wasn't hurt so easily

i wish parenting wasn't so hard

i wish my 'friends' were really friends

i wish grief wasn't so dang consuming

i wish that the holidays weren't upon us

i wish i had planned better for my future

i wish my dreams really would come true

i wish i didn't suffer from moments of self pity

i wish i didn't constantly feel like a total failure

i wish i didn't let little things bother me so much

i wish i didn't know how to put up walls of defense

i wish i loved myself the way my husband loves me

i wish i didn't just want to pack up and move away

i wish my children would obey and do as they are told

i wish i didn't just shut down when i am feeling bummed

i get tired of reaching out and never being reached out to

i wish my boys would stop breaking my heart with their words

i wish my heart didn't feel like it was being ripped out every day 

i wish i didn't feel like retreating into myself and just disappearing

i wish that i had a tardis and could go back a couple years to right some wrongs

mostly, i wish i didn't have a nagging list of ISSUES

All of the above random thoughts are a build up the things that have been culminating in my life over the last few months.  For me, the only way to get through the hard stuff is by blogging or journaling or writing it out. Writing helps me to unload the thoughts swirling around in my mind.  I know that pretty much everything on that list sounds to be insanely negative.  I don't want negativity in my life...I've had my share of that garbage. It's unfortunate that sometimes I still feel the ugly twinges of negativity accompanied by raw emotion.  I am still dealing with grief and grief is a witch in a red suit trying to tear my heart out - almost daily.  I more than likely won't let you see it on my face, but she's always hiding right there in plain sight, buried in my mini-expressions and thoughts.

On a positive note - It's great to get that out of my mind AND I have a really cute snuggly pup! 

Barefooted in the Choir Loft

I typically enjoy singing praises to God in my bare feet, usually from the back row in which I sit.   So many times I have read the scripture passage about Moses being in God's presence as God was in the burning bush.  God proceeds to tell Moses not to come any closer AND to remove his sandals because he is on holy ground - he was also in the 'presence' of the Lord Almighty.  I can't even begin to imagine what that would have been like, to BE Moses and have an encounter with the Creator of the universe in that same way - today, in 2013, that would move me to tears!  (Exodus 3:5)

For many years I have longed to join my home church choir, but things never worked out for me to be able to do that since I had 2 young boys - they're finally to the age where they can sit and be content while I am in choir.  This summer I did it, I joined!  I am a true "back row baptist" - I have my certain spot where I sit every Sunday - don't judge!  God's dealing with me LOL  At any rate, I like my little area, I meet with God right there each week while in church.  BUT since I've joined choir - I meet with God a LOT differently.

There is no more wonderful or more powerful place to meet with God than right there in a choir loft with 30 other people!  The chair that I sit in is in the middle of the middle row - I am pretty much dead center.  Let me tell you something - there is nowhere neater to be on a Sunday morning, literally surrounded by praise and worship from my brothers and sisters.  It makes me feel like this - if this is how wonderful it is to be singing praises to God from right here in this room with my family, I can't even begin to imagine how much more awesome it's going to be when we all get to heaven and we are ALL worshiping God together' - it boggles my mind.  My little tiny spot in the middle of the middle of choir is a tiny comparison to what heaven is going to be like - it's my little heavenly place on earth.  Heaven to me is being surrounded by praise, all those voices lifted up in agreement with songs of hope to our Father.

All of this may sound really silly and simple, but to me - it means this:  The praises we are singing are filling in the gaps and empty spaces between us and heaven.  When others are praising God - it's contagious!!!  Try it and I bet you will see that I am right!   The choir offers a filling in of holes and crevasses that may exist between the congregation and God and due to it's contagious nature - you may not have come to church in a mood wishing to praise anything - but when you hear the music and words and your heart is touched - you will WANT to worship the LORD.  Because of the nature of worship, angels are near when we praise God, they are drawn to worshipers praising the Lord - next time, LOOK UP and KNOW they are there listening and praising God with you.  

I know my praises rise to God as pleasing aromatics, just like my prayers.  Knowing I am reaching God gets me in a worshipful mood because it helps me recall all the wonders of God and reminds me of His glory.  It gets me to a point where I feel like I am even more in His presence AND that is HOLY ground to me!!!

I love you Lord
And I lift my voice
To worship You
Oh, my soul, rejoice!

Take joy my King
In what you hear
Let it be a sweet sweet sound
In Your ear

May all of our praises be a sweet sweet sound in YOUR ear.

Valley of Holidays

the clock incessantly ticks away the minutes
 until -
    the last Thanksgiving
 until -
    that last moment i spent with her alive
 until -
     i hugged and kissed her goodbye
 until -
     i saw her smile for the last time
 until -
     the moment i received the call
 until -
     the moment i rushed to the hospital
 until -
     the moment that i was too late to say goodbye
 until -
     10pm the night she slipped away
 until -
     the day i knew i'd never see her again in this life
 until -
     the 1 year anniversary of my last moments with her
 until -
     the 1 year mark of losing my mother and best friend

i cant begin to describe the immenant amount of suckage to ensue in the coming 4 weeks
i cant even start to tell you exactly how much i remember of these last moments
and how permanently etched they are in my mind and on my heart
i cant adequately explain in words the ache that is constantly nagging my heart
i am so plagued by memories and mementos and stuff that reminds me of her
i am thankful for memories
but i pray God with strengthen me as i walk through this valley of holidays