About a week ago as I was writing another post, this really deep truth hit me. It's simply the fact that I am grieving. This feeling just hit me like fresh bag of aromatic coffee beans right smack between my eyes.
Anger is so easy to blame and she helps me to build walls quickly, stay on guard, remain in defense mode and not let myself be open to anyone. Keep everyone at a distance because it's much safer that way and no one gets hurt. I've felt for a while now that all these emotions and feelings I've been having are possibly something else because I'm not really angry, just... I don't know.
Grief makes so much more sense to me now as I try to find answers to all my questions as to why I feel the way I do. Grieving from going through a divorce 9 months ago... that turned into grieving the loss of someone I loved. Grieving someone who had been in my life for 17 years. Grieving for a past that is gone. Grieving for the loss of myself and all the change that resulted from it. Grieving because I have kinda become unrecognizable to myself. I am trying to find me and I feel completely lost sometimes. It's easy to pin all this shit on anger - anger takes the blame a lot. For me it's not anger at all. It's loss and change and trying to figure out how the hell to move forward with this one life I've been given.
Divorce doesn't just affect you, it affects everything and every aspect of your life becomes something new and different. a life unrecognizable. All the thoughts and feelings that run marathons through my head everyday are totally exhausting, mentally, emotionally and apparently physically as well, as I am finding myself being kinda tired and feeling rundown and fatigued a lot lately. I know this is all part of the crazy grieving process but I want so badly to begin to heal, to allow myself to move on, to allow myself to let someone in, to be close to someone I love and allow myself to be loved fully. I am not closed off to the prospect of being in a loving relationship or even marriage one day. I want all that. I just hope that I don't become so used to doing my own thing that I never allow anyone back in. Grief is a lonely place to be and I am starting to like the comfort of being alone. Complication free.
However, I long to see the sun poke his shining face from behind the clouds and show me a little glimmer of hope saying that everything is going to be alright. I know that day is coming.
#grief #postdivorce #divorce #loss #anger #healing #hope #mytruth #truth
