New Years, ummmm, Decisions

I've sat here today and reflected upon the last year and I have concluded that there are some changes I'd like to make in '14.  Some things I would like to fix about myself - physically and mentally, the way I think, my financial situation, and mostly my relationships with my hubby and boys.

I don't believe in making a resolution that I can't stick to, promises to myself that I won't keep, and disappointing myself  all over again, then ultimately giving in and giving up.  Ending up frustrated and never facing the decisions I've made.  I have to allow myself some grace when I mess up and then dust off my bottom and get back up.

Attempting these changes.

* Physically - weight, manage my food consumption

* Mentally - lose the negative thoughts, begin to move passed some things

* Financial - possibly job hunting, following God's guidance

* Relationships - treat others the way I want to be treated, show them who Jesus is through me, love them with all my heart

Sounds like I have some serious work to do on myself, but I can't do it in my own strength, I rely on God to change me as He sees fit.  I am still under construction!

IT'S 2014, SO, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Chillin with my homies

On this glorious last day of 2013, we spent the day at home, actually we've spent several days at home. This morning our plans were foiled by my son, who woke me up this morning at 7:30ish to inform me of his vomiting escapades through the night - what fresh hell is this?  Here we are all packed up and ready to be on the road to my aunts' for a couple days (I desperately needed to get out of town).  We thought we'd wait a couple hours and see what happens and maybe it was just an upset stomach - because in this house, that's a very common occurrence, lucky us!  After he ate a piece of bread and drank a little water and lost it, that's when we figured it may be more than just a tummy issue.  Yeeeess!  Just what I wanted to end the year with. We like to do things BIG around here.  I am crossing my fingers that no one else gets it too.  I've heard that this garbage has been going around for a while.  I try to keep the boys from people whom I know have been sick or been around other sick persons... and I make them wash their hands, which is one of the horrible things I ask them to do that's for sure to make them wind up in a therapist office one day.  Guess what happened this evening?  Yep, started running fever.  This excites me beyond words.  Now I don't have to worry only about him puking everywhere tonight, I am also pretty sure he won't be able to keep down a fever reducer.  Good for me, I am an essential oil junkie, so peppermint oil to the rescue!  

My youngest hijacked my ipad earlier and has pretty much camped out with it all day.  I think he misses his brother hanging out with him.  I can say it's been much quieter in this house today.  I can't complain too much, the kids hardly ever get sick.  I am very thankful for that.

This pretty much encompasses my New Years Eve Day - 

Rice Football (they lost), a handsome dog curled up on my feet, child #1 has a stomach bug and currently contaminating my love seat, child #2 has hijacked my ipad yet again ... this is how we wrap up 2013. Party on. On a positive note - I have Cheetos Puffs and that makes life extra cheesy and finger-licking good, it's just a crying shame they aren't stale already. That's okay, because tomorrow is another day for stale PUFFS!

Get your act together

I was at a ladies retreat Nov 1-2 and then again Nov 8-10.  At the first retreat I went with a group of ladies, whom I've been going with each year, this is my 4th year in a row to go with them.  It was themed - The Frazzled Female and how to rely on God to give you the rest you need, how to manage your time so you're less frazzled and not to overload your plate because you can't be everywhere, all the time.  Some things are just not as important as we think they are.  Skits, music, games, fellowship and food, all followed up by our main guest speaker for the retreat.  It was a nice time to relax and just retreat without being responsible for the retreat itself (like I will be the next retreat).  Too bad I got all ticked off during this retreat due to the childish antics of a more mature woman...or shall I say very immature Christian woman.... grrrrr.

So then the following week, I gathered, packed, searched for, stuffed and studied, as I went through the women's ministry closet to get things together for our retreat for my home church.  Our theme was First Love, based on Psalm 51:10-12 - restoring the joy of our salvation and the hope we had in our hearts when we first came to know Jesus.  I so wanted to be prepared for this retreat and for it make a huge impact, not for me, but I truly wanted God to move among our ladies.  I desired His presence to be felt by everyone there.  I was so excited to see what He was going to do, breaking chains, freeing the captives, setting the ladies free, no more bondage.  As a part of the women's ministry, I have a responsibility to God to live by scripture and to minister to the ladies he sets before me - as I have been called to 'women's ministry'.  The retreat was waaaaay better than my expectations, because even my best can't outdo God!  God showed up, that was my prayer!

Here we are 7 weeks away from those 2 retreats.  I am at a loss.  I would like to chalk it up to being November/December busyness.  But I am not sure what I feel anymore.  I still have the same desire to see these ladies fall prostrate before God and love him in the fullness of who He is.  No matter what 'I' do, I can't make them love God more than they do.  Opportunities can be offered to these ladies, but that doesn't mean they're going to open the door.  I think folks (men & women) are just at a point where they are comfortable.  They don't want to be moved.  They don't want to be challenged.  They aren't motivated to participate in anything.  They aren't open to change.  Their walk doesn't matter much to them anymore.  They're complacent.

At this point I am asking myself these same questions above....  that's scary.  I am not judging them, it's just as if God has revealed this to me as a heart issue - with ME.  I am merely comparing what I think/see/feel with other ladies.  What does this mean?  

God doesn't like lukewarm.

I survived the holidays

It wasn't easy, but I survived the holidays so far.  My emotions have run very high for the last year, but some days are better than others, and others days I feel like I am going to melt into a pit of tears and snot.

Thanksgiving was a rough one.  I made a few food dishes to take to my sisters house.  It's awfully strange making my mom's 'dishes' to take somewhere else.  This was my first year without her for Thanksgiving.  The day was pretty somber for me, on the inside.  I try to keep myself together, especially around other people, I don't want them seeing that vulnerable side of me, the hurt, the deep ache.  Never let them see you hurt.  Some people talk to me so nonchalantly about it, as if my emotions have chilled out with regards to losing her ....they make me want to deck 'em in the face.  "You know, when you're mom died....."  wahhhh!  "Yea!  I do know, thank you very much for freakin bringing it up!"  Anyway. 

As much comfort as I find in having her things surrounding me all the time, I also find a lot of emotional torment.  I want it packed away, I want to keep it out, I want it packed up, I want to leave it out - so I leave it out.  only trouble is, it's constantly reminds me that she's no longer here and of how much I miss her.

Posting my thoughts on my mom's FB wall helps me cope with the emotions I've been dealing with, I know, it probably sounds really dumb because I know she'll never see it, but that's what gets me through.

12-9-13:

Hard to believe it's already been a year. 365 days seems so long. Through tears, I remember the night so clearly. I've tried so hard to put it out of my head, to get rid of the visual images I repeatedly see in my mind. Part of my soul died this day, 1 year ago. I hear that the passing of time makes it easier to cope with losing a mom, I think that's the biggest load of crap, ever - for me ...it is anyway. My heart tends to break on a daily basis, every time I think of how much I miss you. Some wounds are not visible on the outside, it doesn't always show on my face, but the ache is always there. It's the strangest feeling I've ever had. In all my years, I never thought about life without you in it. I never thought I wouldn't see your sweet face again. I can only imagine how glorious you are in your new heavenly body and being in the presence of the Lord! No matter how much I miss you, I'd never want you to come back here and go through this life all over again. I know you are healed, you are free, and you are happy! The best part is, that I get to see you again one day when I get to heaven. 

I long for that day.

I love you and miss you everyday momma ♡♥♡♥♡♥

Life truly does go on, even if it hurts most days.

12-24-13:

Here we go momma... This time last year, we were all walking around in a fog, so shocked by the loss, and feeling so lost. This year is different, so different. It's like the real first year without you here for Christmas. I found your old ornaments a couple days ago - and the tears began all over again. As much as I want to enjoy the holiday with my little family, there's a huge void in my he...art without you here and so many times I let the grief consume me and I lash out at those I love. I won't share it with many or even let them see my grief, but my God, I am profusely crying on the inside - ALL the time. It's an ache that I've never experienced, I don't understand and I'm not sure how to handle, I am doing the best I can. 

It's like I am 12 again, living in Colorado with my dad, hundreds of miles away. I was in a pit of misery wrapped up in the worst case of homesickness I've ever had. Then and now, I have absolutely no way of getting to you, no matter how hard I try, I can't get to you, but at least back then, I could call, but now, I can't even do that.  I wish for the grief to begin to ease up, but it's still just as fresh as it was December 9, 2012. God knows I hate that day, with a passion. That was the day my world changed, forever...

Today is especially hard. It's Christmas Eve. Dressing would be in the works, turkey injected, pecan pies and lemon pies and whatever new recipes you found or created would be in the works or already done and ready for Sam and I to fight over. By the way - it's MY lemon pie! (I'm making him one today? When I make mine).  I miss cooking with you. I miss being with you and miss watching all our favorite movies together, I miss crocheting with you - I've crocheted the whole month of December so far, I can't stop! I miss your coy smile that tells me you're up to no good. I miss YOU too much.

I love you so much momma.

12-26-13:

I made a pot of chicken 'n dumplins 'mom style' last night in your memory. They were good, I wish you'd have been here to enjoy them with me. That was the last dish I made for you last Thanksgiving. Miss you mommie.

The reason I copied these here on my blog is because this was my true emotion in raw and fresh form, seriousness through tears with a splash of sarcasm and whimsy, just the way she'd like it.