A Lunar Eclipse for tonight!

Sat outside with the family tonight and watched the moon eclipse in the Earths shadow. Very cool thing to see. Unfortunately there was way too much cloud cover, made it hard to see. I did take a couple of photos that came out pretty good. Sometime in the next half-hour, the moon should be cast with some light again. I just might still be awake to catch it. My oldest child sat outside with us and drank his coffee, too.......and talked our ears off!

My weekend at a glance

Here we are after another exciting weekend! We went this past Saturday night the a church in Houston to see their Celebration Christmas program. It was good. A funny little program including a mall and toys and last minute shoppers and Santa flying in with style - in a sleigh suspended from the ceiling - very cool! It was followed by a more serious program, including live animals (sheep, donkey, and a HUGH elephant). This portion of the program depicted the birth, death and resurrection of Christ. It was very touching. Something about seeing it portrayed live, brings it all back fresh to my mind exactly what Jesus went through for all of us. Not that I ever forget, but sometimes we all need reminding. It really was wonderful.

Yesterday the boys had their Christmas party in the childrens department, and it lasted through worship! It was wonderful. I could actually sit there and NOT tell someone to - stop, be still, be quiet, dont rip those pages out, put the envelopes back, no you can not go to the bathroom, no you can not have a drink of water, stop breaking the crayons, please sit in your seat, please sit up, get off the floor, leave your brother alone, etc....... I was really a nice blessing.

Last night was really nice too. We have lots of talented people at our church. The ladies and gentlemen put on an Orchestra and Handbell Concert. A lot of work and practice went into that.

I did learn a very interesting and wonderful thing last in bible study. We are currently studying Revelation. Revelation 19 describes the Rider on the White Horse (Jesus) as he is coming to get us - His bride. What was the coolest thing to me is that "He has a name written on him that no one knows but he himself" - Revelation 19:12b A name that has never ever been heard by another human, never spoken by a person, never defiled by a human mouth. A name that ONLY Jesus knows! I find myself trying to imagine what that name might possibly be, but in my finite shallow mind, I can't think of anything that it could be. Of all the different names of Jesus throughout the bible - This is the one that we have to wait to hear. The mere thought of this just blows my mind and fascinates the fire out of me. Awesome, awesome, awesome!

Bwah haha!!

So a funny thing happened yesterday. I decided that after I got home from my breakfast date, that I would go ahead a decorate the front yard with the airblowns and lights, etc... all those wonderful Christmas decorations that my honey so willingly drug down from the attic for me. I got the yard all done and decorated, very festive.

I had already told my youngest son, that I would NOT decorate the yard unless he was on his best behavior at school ALL week long. (of course he wasn't), but I wanted to decorate.
So I picked him up from school yesterday and I knew it would be fun to torture him a little - since this is his most favoritest time of the year (only 2nd to halloween - it's a pumpkin thing!), so anyway - we got home and he freaked out in a very excited way, like I knew he would. Then I looked at him in the rear-view mirror and told him NOT to look at the decorations. so he averted his eyes and had this sneering little grin on his face. He was excited that they were up, even though I wouldn't let him look at them! LOL
I shielded his view from them as we got out of the truck and went into the garage.... again with the little smile, he was trying so hard to look at them.
My #1 child asks "mom, can I go look at the Christmas?" I said "Sure, go out there and walk all around and take a look".....it really was a funny situation, which we repeated last night, when we left for dinner and came back home from dinner.

FYI: This child is nuts! So, a little torture can be lots of fun, when you are trying to prove a point. I don't think I fared well, with that one, but it was good to watch him squirm a little. =)

A lesson learned from a Christmas song??

Well, this morning as I was driving home from dropping off my children at school, I was listening to the radio and of course Christmas music is blaring through my speakers - it was a song I really like, so I turned it up.

As I am listening, I hear:

I am a poor boy too, pa rum pum pum pum
I have no gifts to brings, pa rum pum pum pum
That's fit to give a King, pa rum pum pum pum
Shall I play for you???????
And as the song continues on,..... I played my drum for him, and I played my best for Him, then He smiled at me.....

This is speaking from the heart of a child (obviously, since it is titled The Little Drummer Boy).

No matter how little we have, or how insignificant we feel that we are, Jesus is so pleased when we give him our best, not our "what's left". Can you imagine the smile he has for you even when we are not giving our best, now think about that smile when we do offer our best. Offering our best, comes from the heart.
Use the "God-given" talents you have and return those to the Lord by blessing Him, and those around you.

Always give the best of yourself to the Lord, for He gave His Son to all of us - the ultimate gift.

God Bless you a childlike faith & a very MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

by Heather Martz Dillon
Dec 2010

Seriously, ADHD???

Lots of happenings in my life lately, mostly child #1 related. Decided to put my son on meds for his apparent ADHD. I'm not sure how I'm gonna act if this actually works. It's been chaos for so long, I think I've kinda gotten used to it. We go to the doctor again next Tuesday and we'll start meds on Tuesday or Wednesday. We have very chaotic evenings with homework and other routine things. I am finally at my witts ends and my patience has run out. If this does not help, I am going to have a nervous breakdown. I truly pray this IS the answer to the problems he is having. Not sure what to do, if it's not.

A little too excited about turmoil

I guess that I was just overly zealous last night at bible study. I was told that I seemed to be hopped up on caffeine and that it was hard to keep up with me and that I too excited about trials and trouble. I wasnt really super excited to teach that lesson, but who wants a boring teacher.... don't you want to be excited to be in bible study? What's NOT exciting about studying God's word. It's amazing! Oh and don't even get me started on the life application stuff. The bible is such a treasure trove of knowledge! It's definately something to get excited over. I know that she didn't mean it in a negative way at all, ok, actually at first, I wasn't sure. But we talked a little afterward and it was a good thing. It's not all the time that I can convey my excitement about the Word, sometimes things are slow and quite boring, mostly because we can't relate to it at that time. But when you dig a little deeper and get further along in your understanding, you'll see that it DOES apply - all the time.

I pray that God's people will be eager and as excited about his word as I am.

A compliment to make my heart smile

A truly sweet friend of mine told me the sweetest thing today - "I definitely feel a kinship with you because you are abandoned toward God. It's beautiful!"
Normally thinking of the "known" definition of abandoned, we think of forsaken or deserted. I never really concerned myself with what it means in a positive manner. It's really quite amazing, it shed a new light on my thoughts of abandon. It means unrestrained or uncontrolled, uninhibited. I am uncontrolled, unrestrained and uninhibited toward God. It was one of the most unique and creatively wonderful compliments I've ever received.

I'm so glad that my awe and love for God shows. I hope that I don't disappoint those who view me in this way. I am a human being and I have uncontrolled feelings, emotions, desires and sin. But no matter how many times I err in my ways - God is still the same, He still forgives and He still loves me.

Thank you Lord for your abandoned love....for Me.
Thank you "you know who" for your friendship and sisterhood.

Confessions of this Shopoholic....

Do you justify everything you do? I do. I tend to think that if I can justify it, that makes it ok. I need to get this because it helps with this and I want to buy this because I can use it for this..... blah blah blah..... Does any of "this" honor God? More than likely not. I'm not saying the we don't have needs. This is waaaaay beyond needs. This is in the I WANT it now, because it's all about me category. There is no way I am honoring God by having 15 different shades of pink/hot pink nail polish. Yes, nail polish is reasonably priced depending on the brand, between $1.00 and $8.00! But when you have 10 bottles of pink at a $1.00 a pop = $10.00, even worse, at $8.00 a pop = $80.00! (or somewhere in between). Do we really need it? Are you living in excess? If I consider all the ways I blow money.... I shouldn't be broke. Have you ever thought about what you purchase and the "reason" or "justification" behind it? I have learned to ask myself "If I purchase this, will it make a difference in my life?" "Do I really NEED this?" I am learning as I go. The real deal is going through your checkbook and writing in all the things you bought at that particular store (this is what I do). It helps me hold myself accountable for the "things" I buy. I am not saying that we should never buy anything that does not bring glory to God, because we do have wants. Do those wants though, make a way for being greedy?
I love to shop for my children, I want them to have what they like and what I would like them to have as well. I could probably go everyday and buy them some "thing" that would make them happy (for a moment). Shortlived happiness. The new wears off, it becomes damaged, broken, trashed and/or put in a garage sale and treated as if it never meant anything at all. Is that a waste? Sometimes is it to me.

I wish I could get to a simpler lifestyle. I hate clutter, but I like pretty sparkly things. God is working on me in this area. He is showing me things, some I don't like and others just make me mad. But I am willing to let him be God and do whatever He needs to do with me.

I love you Lord.

OMGosh!

Sometimes I feel like just giving up on everything, I don't know what's wrong. Is this depression? Is this satan getting in my head - probably! He is evil and twisted like that! Sometimes I just want to take a step back for like, I don't know - a month! And just see what happens. As a Christian, I feel like I shouldn't be angry, I should stand against the forces of evil and stand on the truths of God's Word, (Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, and He will direct your path. Prov 3:5-6). I know that I should this.

I am aggravated with several different things going on in my life. Mostly, things with my kids. It upsets and aggravates the already unsettling issues I have with them, especially when other continually point out their "issues". Does anyone else have children who misbehave, act up, be silly and sometimes are unmanageable? Nope, I guess it's just me and they've NEVER been in a situation like that! Some are more tolerant than others. The others just plain ol' get on my nerves. Then the ones who try to help are overbearing and patronizing. Like they really care. It is ultimately my choice what steps I choose to take regarding MY children and their needs. I don't like feeling like my hand is being forced to take some alternative action that my heart is not set on and that I am not mentally prepared to deal with. I want to make uninfluenced, yet, well researched decisions.

Even us Christians have issues with anger. Mine seems to be settling a little deeper and making me a lot more snappy than usual..... let me rephrase that - snappy like I used to be - B4 I was a Christian.

Lord, I am begging for your help. You know what this is all about. I need direction, please skywrite it for me. In the mighty, wonderful, powerful, saving name of Christ. Amen.

Memory making... with Mario & Luigi

Well, it's that time of year again. Pumpkin time! My favorite time of year I think. I love the colors of purple/orange/black and lime green. I just love pumpkins! The colors. The feel. The shapes. The imperfections - just like me. This year... and in past years we've decided to "draw" on them with sharpies, instead of carving them. This way they last longer, and by longer.... I mean til Thanksgiving! So here are the photos or our pumpkins this year and the boys in costume, of course.

Mario & Luigi at the Pumpkin Patch.

How can I hang on?

When things seem to be out of control, or maybe they are just changing faster than I realize, how can I hang on? I've learned (again) recently that things are not always what they appear to be. Friends are not always friends, the sky is not always blue, the grass is not always greener, and sometimes my socks just dont match. You can't expect things to stay the same forever - even though sometimes we'd like them too. Sometimes we even long for change. People change, the time changes, the weather changes and sometimes circumstances change too. I never understand why things happen the way they do or the reasons they happen.....until later on down the road when I can see how God's hand was at work in this or that situation. I am trying to understand a little better what He's up to right now. I am in a place that I feel that I belong. I also feel like an outsider. This whole post is going to be "all over the place". There is no one particular thing - there are several particular things. The problem is that all these "things" are from one particular aspect of my life. I don't care for the way it's going right now. I am frustrated with a few people including myself for feeling the way I do. Do I address these issues? Do I move on? Do I need more time to think it through? Do I drop all the balls? I am not quite sure how to handle all the things I feel and it's driving me away.

God is in charge. He's in control, even when my world doesn't seem to be. Do I trust that He will reveal Himself to me through this? Yes. Do I trust that He has a reason for me? Yes.

It's a nasty spiritual attack. All these outward circumstances are beginning to penetrate my heart. By getting to my heart, they are making me see things differently, in a negative way. That negativity is starting to rear it's ugly head via my actions. I am becoming complacent and apathetic. None of this is towards God at all. I am just feeling a whole lot of things. In this case I should be drawing nearer to God, but I am not pushing Him away - just trying to figure out how to fix things ...... myself. The usual. Instead of relying on Him, I am trying to fix it myself. What does that say about my trust in the Lord?

My prayer is that I can draw nearer to Him in this time and that he'll lead me wherever He wants me to be.

Heather

Names of God: Holy God - Day 1

Introduction:
I experienced something amazing this past Sunday morning. I had this amazing vision of God in all His glory and His holiness. It moved me to tears and it weighed on me most of the day, which I welcome! It was a touch from God in a way that I've encountered before, but this time was different. I could have just fallen on the floor and worshiped, I was so moved by the reality of His holiness. I realize how small and insignificant I am, compared to God, Our Creator. But no matter how small and miniscule I am - I matter to Him. He took the time to know me, before I was ever conceived, He knows what/where I will be in the future. He knows my children, and their children.

Psalm 139:17 "How precious are your thoughts about me, O God! They are innumerable!" - a Holy Almighty God who is concerned with me!

I.
I would like to share something with you that I have learned, this amazing description of Our Holy God. I pray that you are blessed and moved as you read this.

In Hebrew, the Holy God is translated as "El Hakkadosh":
* God is "Perfect" - He is 100% good, Morally Excellent and Spiritually Sound, His righteousness is pure and absolute. Isa 5:16 - "The Holy God shows himself holy in righteousness"

* God is "Uncommon, Set Apart, Extraordinary" - He is separate from all that is sinful, He is exceptionally uncommon, He can be compared to no one or no other thing, He is exceedingly different - "To whom then will you compare me, that I should be like him?" says the Holy One - Isa 40:25

* God is "Illustrious" (I really hope you can picture this - this is astounding!) - holy also means illustrious, being holy means to "radiate or to shine brightly" it's "brilliant", "dazzling and magnificent". Being holy means also to be "spectacularly brilliant!" All I can say to that is WOW! "Worship the LORD in the splendor of holiness, tremble before, all the earth" - Psalm 96:9 Can you imagine this picture of holiness? I am just floored over this amazing visual of Our Holy God, if words can not describe His glory, can you imagine what heaven will be like!

II.
Rev 4:8 - "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty, the one who was, and is and is to come"
Hebrew back in ancient times used repetition as a emphasis on a particular idea, in this case with Holy, Holy, Holy.
Think about it...... No, don't think about it - DO IT - I want you to re-read it OUTLOUD, adding more and more emphasis with each "holy".

Holy.... Holy.... Holy .... IS the Lord God Almighty, the One who was, and Is and is to Come!

How did you feel as you read that outloud? What were your thoughts as you read that? Any new revelations?

III.
Dazzling light - we are supposed to be dazzling lights also, are we dazzling with our holiness? We are made holy and set-apart through the blood of Jesus Christ, we are in right standing with God. You must be holy because I, the Lord you God, am holy. - Leviticus 19:2

Your turn: Pray if you feel led to, to ask our HOLY God to reveal Himself to you today. Pray and ponder over the verses of scripture listed and see how He reveals himself to you. I want to realize that you are always standing on holy ground, always in the presence of God, he is our friend BUT He is also our Sovereign Lord - Moses was told by God in Exodus 3:5, to remove his sandals because he was on holy ground. Take off your shoes and approach our God with respect and sincerity, for you are a guest of THE King!

Praise you God for your Word!


Ref's: Holy Bible New Living Translation & a little from - Knowing God By Name, by Mary Kassian (A-MAZING book!) Highly recommended.

Weighing In

Today, I feel motivated enough to keep moving forward with watching my calories. I have lost 3 lbs, I have made it to the 199 mark (again....)! I am waiting til Friday to weigh again, since that is the day I visit the diet dr, I'd like to be a little surprised. I quit taking my phentermine for the last couple of days. Today I think I might take one. I am feeling a little vulnerable, or hungry! For some reason eating all this different food and keeping up with my calories to loose weight still doesn't make sense, but it's working and I'm very happy about that. =) The true test..... is my jeans! They feel a lot better.

236-199=37 lbs total lost since Sept 2009

Triumph thru trial

We usually don't understand why God has us in a certain place or a certain way at any given time. If you are a person of faith, we just know that God has us there for a "reason".... or that things happen for a "reason". Don't you hate that answer - I know I do. I want to know the "reason"! I like to ask Him "why?" - not that He has to answer me and I probably wouldn't understand the big picture if He showed it to me. But coming through that struggle, and seeing the things God sees in me and my ways of doing things, it truly makes you see things with a little different perspective. I have found out recently that my thoughts towards different things has changed quite a bit since I started seeing negative things in me..... the bottom line, I like, make that LOVE to shop, especially when things are on "sale" or "clearance". I don't consider myself a shop-o-holic, but I do like to shop. It's not that I "needed" anything. My "wants" overtook me and because I wanted it - I bought it. For several months there, we were very broke, I mean "broke". I couldn't go out and shop or even buy grocery items that we needed. But we managed and God provided for our "needs". He always seems to do that. During all this time of being broke, God had been revealing things to me. Contentment, a friendship with Him, my needs and wants, and what was most important. It's not important that I have a bunch of "stuff" - because I don't care about that (I don't like clutter!). I am actually going through my things to get rid of the "stuff" that I don't want/need. It may bless someone else. I have learned to start controlling myself, one of those nasty little fruit of the spirit that we love so very much - "self-control".

Learning through a tough time....to be grateful for what I have, because God is blessing.

A journey.... of weight loss

Today, was so glad to see results from calorie watching at www.livingstrong.com! I have started using an online calorie counter as suggested by a great friend - it's wonderful!!! I have lost 1-1/2 lbs since I started calorie watching 3 days ago. It really does help to track my calorie intake, it holds me accountable for what I am putting into my body. I can also see where I need to cut back or increase certain foods. I have my one daily thing I need... MY coffee with MY creamer - that is my crutch in the morning. I am really excited that my bloodsugar was good - 2 hours after eating my Kashi cereal - all 61 carbs worth, and it was 87!! I'm scared to death to get diabetes, since it runs in my family. I really hope that I can stay on track and lose more of this weight. Was 236, now 200.5! That's a total of 35.5 lbs lost. Walking was great this morning, it was nice to be out there by myself..... with God the Father and just enjoy the morning and the time alone. I burned 364 calories from doing that. My calorie goal I set for myself is 1700 a day. Wish me luck!

Seriously!

Why do we have to be sitting in a pit of trouble. What in the world happened, and why does it seem to happen so fast, before you even realize it. I am clinging to God and his promises and I know He is faithful. It's still hard to be going through whatever this is that we are going through. I know in the end it will be alright. But I sure hate the current situation we're in, it stinks! If God is testing us, then ok. Lord, please don't leave us hanging like this. I am trying to cling so hard right now and I feel my hand slipping. Things are about to go south. Not the direction I would like them to go. What can I do, except remain in prayer and remain faithful to Him. After all, he will only let this go..... so far. Right?

Things I miss....

I miss playing with teeny tiny baby frogs, dressing up in my grandma's clothes, making freshly made homemade french fries with my mom at 11pm, eating ice cold watermelon on a hot sunny day and flicking the seeds at each other. I miss jelly shoes, jelly bracelets and being able to eat jelly doughnuts without consequences :) I miss sneaking into my parents closet and finding all my christmas gifts. I miss my mamaw's smile. I miss being carefree. I miss middle school and going over to my friends house to listen to Prince and Madonna.
I miss dressing up like my idol Cyndi Lauper and not caring what anyone thought about my orange hair or my super poofy tulle skirt! I love Levi’s, Converse, Vans, sunglasses, funky shoes, hair colors, nail polish, pens, pencils and BOOKS and paint!

It’s funny how times change and rearrange and then things that once were come back again.

What do you miss?

Tangled up with Christ

I keep having this one thing happening over and over again.

Some may think it's pretty silly actually, but it made me think of something.

I wear a cross around my neck, with JESUS spelled out on it. Everything I bathe, I get my washcloth or scrubby all tangled up in it. And that's all fine and good, but when I try to get it loose from my cross, it tears the mesh in the scrubby, eventually it will leave a big hole.

In living your life without Jesus Christ, life seems tattered and torn, hard to live, without hope, without conviction, without direction.

With Jesus being tangled up in our lives, we don't forget him or try to live by own standards. We strive to live the way God would have us to live, becoming more Christlike. He's there, always present and always remembered, always in the forefront of our minds. We know whom we belong to. Remembering the sacrifice He made for us. He can be entwined in every situation, every thought, every action - if you let him ......

....or you can yank him right off your scrubby, and forget about Him,

leaving a big gaping hole in your scrubby.

Thanks for reading my thoughts. Have a God blessed day.

The Son Comes Shining Through

It's SO amazing to be part of a body of Christ who love each other, love the Lord and act as Jesus' hands and feet in the time of need of another. It's wonderful to see God move in the hearts of people, to compel then to open their hearts and move them in the direction of the Son. Every person rose to the occasion and saw a need and met that need. Realizing the need that a person has for a place to live and food to eat, the basic needs of life. I am glad to report that as of yesterday they were able to move in and have electricity and she even came to church last night, with a thankful heart. Such a lovely person. I pray that she and her family see and feel the love of Jesus in our church.

As I am thinking of them, I am thinking about me, about you, about my parents, about my family..... we are only a paycheck away from suffering from the same circumstances as they were. Being in a 1 income family, it's especially tough. If that 1 income is gone, due to job loss, laid off, cut-backs, etc.... then what do you do.....if you can't find anything else? I have learned that trusting in the Lord to provide is more important for the well-being of the body, mind and spirit. It's so comforting to the soul to trust in the Lord and know that He will provide for your "needs". In this case.... He provided bigtime - the son came shining through! I am so so very thankful to Jehovah Jireh for his provisions for this family and for mine.

I am in such a praiseful and worshipful mood - I just can't seem to thank Him enough. I never want to grow passionless in Christ. Praise Him for all he has done and is going to do!

Oh, give thanks to the LORD! Call upon His name; Make known His deeds among the peoples! - 1 Chronicles 16:8

Oh! How I Love My Ian

There's just something about your eyes
The way they sparkle
The way they shine
The way they intently observe whats going on
All wide-eyed and attentive
The way they squint up when you laugh
How I love those eyes!






And OH the laugh!
that infectious laugh
the laugh that tickles my heart
a laugh that makes me laugh too
laughter that resounds joy
How I love that laugh!

You love life so much
You find everything fascinating
You enjoy everything
All things are new to you
All the time
How I love that you love life!

Superman is an obsession for you
You cut out supermans
every chance you get
You're so creative, all the time
I love the way your mind thinks
How I love that artistic genius in you!

You have your own language
Your own way to talk
A language that I can understand
That sometimes, other can't
A secret speech that we can share
How I love that talk!

Your smooth little tummy
perfect for raspberries
great for a belly rub
and little kisses
How I love to rub that tummy!

To love white donuts this much
has to be a crime
every morning you search
with that gleam in your eye
til you find the prize you seek
donuts in the cabinet, oh joy, what glee
How I love how you love donuts!

Your cute little toes
And your tiny feet too
ticklish to the slightest touch
just a touch curls up into a ball
just to get away from my hands
How I love those little tootsies!

Precious pouty little lips
lips that pucker-up for a kiss
lips that curl up when you get mad
a mouth that turns downward when you are sad
cute little lips that steal kisses
How I love those lips!

I'll love you forever
I love you for always
Forever my baby you'll be

love, Mommy

Are you keeping a box?

It's amazing to me. We spend our whole collecting "stuff", stuff that we need, stuff we think we need, stuff we can't seem to live without, but mostly - it's just stuff, stuff that we can't take with us when we go.

what happens to the stuff? it gets given away. it gets put out by the trash. it goes into a garage sale and those memories - sold for a dollar, never to be seen again.

Our life ends up being left behind - in a box. Photos of us throughout our life from birth to old age, birth certificates, death records, letters home to mom and dad, letters from sisters & brothers in the military or college, the feet print of a brand new baby and the handprints of a child in elementary school, a grandmothers bible filled with well worn pages, a grandfathers old used pocketknife.

The most wonderful thing to me is the fact that my family keeps "a box" - that is the best passed down treasure I could ever receive. I am a little emotional as I write this, this morning because I know that someday in the future, I will receive some of the "what's in the box" that my mother has been collecting for years. It's a wonderful beat up brown box full of history, my greatgrandparents, my parents, my brother and sister, nieces and nephews, my children, and of course me.

As we grow older and begin to grow our own families, we start our own box too. In that box we place treasures from our past and collect new ones from our future to one day pass on to our children so they too - can begin "a box". It's amazing to me, how our life ends up - in a wonderful, beat up, treasure-filled, brown box.

Are you keeping a box?

Dedicated to my mother, Lea - for keeping all of these treasures so we can keep our boxes going :) I love you, mom.

While I'm waiting...

I am still waiting, I am still seeking the confirmation I so desire to hear from the Lord. It's all about Him and the will he has for this life he has allowed me to have. I want so much to hear from Him and know that it's not my own thoughts. I know He has a plan and that he has a plan for me. I knew that I'd be here, right now, 3 years ago. I felt it so strongly. I also know that this is not the end. This is just the beginning of what God wants me to do. My hearts desire is to be used by God, to further his kingdom, to bring people to the understanding of God and who He is and what he is capable of doing in them. I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned, giving ALL the honor and glory to my Father in Heaven!

As if they were saying goodbye

I sat and I watched
their eyes were filled with heartache
she reached for his hand
as if it were the end

The sorrow and disappointments
of the last few weeks
weighed heavily on their minds
was it almost time

I wondered what they were thinking
the silence was deafening
the magnificent bond they share
abounds in a tenacious love

The look on her face
as she looked at him
it touched me so
it was as if they were saying goodbye

Really? You want me to do this?

I am feeling led to surrender to ministry. I am nervous and a little scared - but there's nothing I can't do, especially if God is calling me to do it. I know the Lord will guide me and provide me with the necessary information and tools I need to accomplish the task. My feeling is that He is leading me to write bible studies for women, along the line of getting excited about scripture and all the treasure that the Word of God holds and longs to be discovered. My wish is that we as women, would get so fired up and so excited and become consumed by the word. In that process we would become utterly amazed and fascinated, completely floored and long to share the joy of what we have discovered in the word of God.

I have been feeling the call for quite a while, and for the last few weeks - I keep hearing "surrender to ministry" "surrender to ministry". I want to be obedient to God and do what He's calling me to do. Aside from being told, point blank a few weeks ago, I am still looking for that whack on the head, the hit me between the eyes, the handwriting on the wall confirmation. I pray that I don't disappoint God and will help build up women and get them excited about our Holy Glorious God.

Prayers are appreciated and very welcomed, if you feel impelled to do so.

Writing Love On My Arms

I've been open with and accepted by a few of my close friends, sharing with them the struggles that I deal with. It's as if they never knew of the things I do. As if they've never known that anything was wrong. They treat me.... like a person, a human being with feelings, cares, desires and fears. They dont treat me any different than they did before I told them these hidden things in my heart, these hidden things in my mind. That speaks volumes to me - to be unconditionally loved by and have such wonderful girlfriends. Only a handful know, it's just not something anyone talks about. Who could be that "out there", that they would want to do something like that... on purpose. It's not necessarily that I am "out there" or that anything is mentally wrong with me.



It all started when I was a child. I can still visually see this person coming at me and putting their hands around my neck, choking me. I deserved it. I was crying in bed. I deserved it. I was afraid of the dark. So I deserved it. I can see it as clearly now, as I did then. Thats a scary image. Because I deserved it then and I was an unloveable person, I deserved it for the rest of my life. That was how I got through things, that was how I released all the pent up anger and aggression inside me. Apparently my actions were making someone mad, or upset or angry, so I figured that because I made someone feel that way - I deserved to be punished. So I did.



I suffer from self-inflicted injury, because I deserved to be punished for all the terrible things I've done to the people in my life. Do I think all the things I've done were terrible, no. But at the time that things are happening, they always seem worse than what they actually are. This just never came to a stopping point. It got to a point many times that I just wanted to end it all, and be gone from here all together, afterall, I was causing pain to others, so why should I be alive. I thought that I should feel as bad or worse than the person that I hurt to begin with, even though I may not have done anything wrong. Just the fact that I did something to someone that upset them - that was enough for me to do what I needed to do to myself. I am not obvious about it. No one ever knew that I did these things to myself, not even my parents, my sister, my brother - no one. It was a secret that only I knew about. Only a few years ago, I told my husband about these things, and they were still happening. Maybe thats when my healing phase started, after Jesus found me. But it wasnt that easy. This was not going to just.... go away. I still look at things and think about ways that I could injury myself with them.





I still fight with the temptation a lot. And when I feel the urge, I clasp my hands together tightly and I pray for God's help, until the thoughts pass. There are many many times I feel so weak and I act before praying, then the guilt eats me up, because I feel like I should have stopped it. I am not delivered from this "illness", but I am conquering it daily.

**Rescue Is Possible*Stop the Bleeding*Wake Up, You're Alive, We're on Your Side**

**Love IS The Movement**

BE LOVE, because you never know what the person you are talking to is going through - you can BE the difference in a decision someone makes today.

Tomorrow is To Write Love On Her Arms day. A non-profit organization that reaches out and provides help to people like me who suffer from self-injury, and people who suffer from depression, addictions and abuse. I pray that the world will come to understand more about people like me and the reasons we do the things we do, accepting us, without judgement.





To learn more about this please go to http://www.twloha.com/

Liquid Sunshine

Washing away all my cares
The soothing sound of the rain
It's a cleansing from above
This raining down of love

It's a perfect melody
Being whispered in my ear
Tuning everything else out
Because it's the rain
That I love to hear

My thoughts overwhelm me
Except when I listen to the rain
I am freed of the thoughts I think

It helps to ease my mind
The soothing sound
Of the rain
Coming down

A day of Revelations

Today was a bit interesting.

Act 1: Creatively Corrected!
This morning I attended a bible study for us moms. Apparently I misread a scripture that was in my book - but it surely took on a whole new meaning for me. Galatians 5:22 speaks of the Holy Spirit controlling our lives and by the Spirits control we will produce the fruit of the spirit. I've read it many times before..... but it was worded differently in this particular study, it was regarding the ever icky subject of self-control - well the book stated it like this: The key to self-control is Holy Spirit control. That HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS! It really shook me to the core. I never thought about whether or not I was "letting" the Holy Spirit control me, I just assumed that I was controlled by the spirit, after it took up residence in me. I should surrender whatever control I "think" I have and let God's spirit do the work in/with me. Does this make me subconsciously defiant towards God's leading? Is this why I fail so often? Is this why the things in my head are not getting any better? It's hard to be a christian. It's hard to do right all the time. It's hard to keep your focus on Christ all the time. It's just hard.... to BE! We have to relingquish control to the Holy Spirit and follow when it leads. I must ask the Lord daily to fill with His Holy Spirit.

Act 2: The Lord is SPECTACULAR - Are you shiny?
This afternoon as I sat in my truck at the school waiting on the boys to get out of school, I worked on my other bible study that I am attending on Sunday nights. I like to sit there in the parking lot while waiting for my boys, and do a bible study. It's so peaceful and quiet and there are no distractions. So this weeks focus is on Gods name of splendor. El Ha-Kavod - God of Glory. In the bible, visions of Gods glory are typically described as clouds, fire, smoke and lightning. These are only a canopy - because we can not look upon the face of God and survive. Moses asked God to show him His glory so God granted this request. God covered Moses with his hand and as God passed by, He removed His hand and Moses could see the back of Him. When Moses returned all the people noticed that his face glowed, Moses had no idea that his face would glow after meeting with the Lord face to face. MOSES FACE GLOWED! Can u imagine that!! Moses face glowed after spending time with the Lord. The people could see the obvious presence of God in him. Oh my Glorious Lord! I know my face doesnt necessarily light up a room, but shouldnt it? Am I aglow with God's presence? Is it obvious that I have spent time with the Lord?? time in His word? time in prayer? Can you imagine how beautiful we would all be if we spent time with God - we would be a SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE :) By definition: shiny means - filled with light, bright, glistening, gleaming. Are YOU shiny? Shiny is beautiful! "We've been created in the image of God who loves beauty and who is Himself infinitely and spectacularly beautiful'" WOW!

Act 3: He sang His song over me
This evening I was driving home and one of my favorite songs came on the radio "Born Again" by Third Day: the lyrics go like this -
"I was lost when you found me here, I was broken beyond repair, then you came along and you sang your song over me. Feels like I'm born again, feels like I'm living, for the very first time, for the very time in my life."
After being broken for so long and then the Lord coming along and singing a song over me, He brought me to LIFE, a life and a love that I've never known! So why is it that sometimes even when we are born again and have the love of God, why do we still live like we are broken?? It all comes down to choices: we choose to live for God, we choose to believe Gods Word, His promises. We stand up and praise Him because we are proud, free, saved, born again! We have so much to look forward to. This is only the beginning. This is all practice and preparation for us to celebrate the big dance when we get to heaven. Can you even fathom what that will be like? Oh my goodness - it's going to be glorious, amazing, brilliant, spectacular and we are going to be some SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE!

I want to stand/kneel/fall prostrate in the presence of my God and Savior and come away with the most brilliant Son tan!

I have learned recently that when God calls you to do something, others aren't necessarily going to agree with you. What am I supposed to do? I am not here to please man. I am here to please God, by serving women. Thats where I feel my heart is and where I feel God has led me to. I love serving women. Not that I would ever want to deliberately hurt anyone over anything I do. I will not go against what I feel God is telling me to do, unless He instructs me otherwise.

You can never please everyone, although that would be nice if I could. I am trying to glorify The One.

I was told by a good friend that when you're in ministry, there will be people who will talk bad about you behind your back. Thats ok with me. I wont say that I love the thought! I would like to think that maybe that person is just going through something else, and their issues for lack of a better word, were taken out on me.

Release Me!

It helped to ease the pain
It was a release
The only thing I was able to control
How did I get to this point
Did I always deserve it
Yes, I guess I did
So I thought
It just kept happening
I couldn’t make myself stop
I took the pain you gave
And turned it inward
I bottled it up
til I was ready to burst
And I took it out on me
Afterall, I didn’t want to hurt anyone
the way I had been hurt
I have to live
With the emotional suffering
One day I will be free of it
And I will end this thing
Did I always deserve it
Yes, I guess I did
So you thought

I've posted some of the poetry that I've written. I take my real life experiences and put them into poetic form. They are short and simple and sweet. They help me in recalling details when I reflect back on a memory. Writing is like therapy for me as well as when I paint or do other things with my hands. I am a creative person and my mind doesnt sleep much, I am always creating in my mind, I take after my Father - you know "The Creator of the Universe. I am honored and excited about the talents and abilities He has given me. One of these days I'll figure out a way to honor God with all He's given me.

As my feet touched the ground

I was overwhelmed

by the presence of God

I was bursting inside

with a feeling

I've never felt

All I wanted to do

was cry

for His presence

was so strong.....

-Untitled-

We are strown

like the stars

in the night sky

shining our light

for everyone to see

Hoping that anyone

would notice

that we are

the salt and light

of the world

that you told us

to be

My illumination

it burns so bright

because I know

what I have found

in you God

you are forever

in my sight

- The Night He Spoke -

I can remember

lying there still

I felt your breath

in my ear

it gave me a chill

The neatest

experience I've ever had

To know you were so close

and then what you said

"I love you"

You whispered

so soft and low

Now I know all

I need to know

This poem inspired by the night I heard the Lord whisper in my ear. It gives me chills, when I think about "The Night He Spoke".

"Who are you? I don't know." you say to yourself.

During my wonderful experience yesterday at church during our class, we were told - "Describe yourself, without anything involving your kids", "What do you like to do that has nothing to do with kids" (no so much word for word there, but you get the jist).

A couple of the ladies commented that they know nothing about themselves, they dont know what they like. I was so saddened by that because it touched me on a very personal level too.

I too have not known who I was for a very long time. I didnt know what I liked, what I wanted to do, I didn't even know who I was - I had no identity. For a very long time my identity was caught up in someone else, I had become like him. I was acting like him, liking what he liked, being ugly like him, degrading people "just like him". That situation ended - and guess what..... here sat a sad, broken, worthless girl who had no idea of who she was - I was lost. I was lost because I had let some other person dictate to me who I was going to be.

Over the last year and a half or so, I have been entertaining my "old ways" - but now I am more selective and more convicted about some of those things - some I don't like at all anymore and some I like to keep as a part of who I am. I am re-learning what it was that I liked before, before my focus was taken off me. I always knew deep down what I wanted or my most deepest desires - but I saw it as being something he would not approve of or support.

It has taken me 8 years to get to a point where I know who I am, what I like and dislike, and what I want. I am so glad Jesus got ahold of me, before I did - again.

Art is a major part of my life - I love to create - Just like God my Father "created" the heavens and the earth - I am a part of creation, I share in that creation. God re-created me into the person that I am now. He grew me from meek and mindless girl into a holy and honorable woman of God.

My husband gets to see a different side of me now, that he's never seen before! I hope that is a good thing. I dont want to be like I was - I want to be like I am now - and living for Christ EVERYDAY. My identity is in Christ Jesus. I am more me now than I've been in a very very long time. I missed her and I love her!