Things are not always what they appear to be on the outside. The external is covered with a smile that hides the hell that's going on inside. I think we are all basically wrecked inside, some of us just have better ways of hiding it, and maybe even more creative ways of dealing with our wrecked selves.
I don't handle things as well as I wish I did. I know I am stronger than I allow myself to be. Some days I just feel so weak, so worn and so weary that I can't see passed my owns problems and stresses of life. Stress leads to frustration and aggravation with everything and everyone around me. Stress elevates and heightens all my other problems, making them seem even worse than they really are. The kicker is that I know what my root cause of stress is, there's just nothing I can do about it right now. So I continue muddling through each day with the hopes that tomorrow will be better than today. I hold out for the hope of each coming day.
Love, wow. Love is so great. Being in love is mind blowing. I can't say enough about it. There are so many emotions tangled up with the simply complex word, love. Caring about someone else's welfare on every damn level possible. Worrying about them, sometimes even above worrying about yourself. Putting them first, in every thought and feeling, being so concerned with their being in every way. I love really hard and really deeply. I can't help it, that's how I was created, to BE a LOVER. It's daunting, painful and scary and I wouldn't trade a moment of it for the one my soul loves. I would do it all over again without question! My answer is yes, every. fucking. time. YES.
There's been an awakening, have you felt it? My faith has taken a huge hit and a great turn in the right direction. For the last couple of years I've questioned everything I believe against everything I have seen, felt and experienced from my past and those things don't line up with what I've believed in the more recent past. It's hard to separate those things. It doesn't have to be either this or that, learning to see with a different eye what's going on around me. Picking apart my faith, piece by piece and trying to figure out where all these pieces fit to create a clearer picture for me. I have found out (again) that meditation and breathing really helps me work through things. I am rediscovering things that I used to do and finding what I need in other avenues of spiritual awareness. There just has to be some foundational truths to each religion, some sort of takeaway that speaks to my soul, truths that are willing to guide me. I'm discovering things via a more mystical approach to spirituality. Seeking a more intimate and deeper awareness of God and of myself. Seeing myself more as a mystic I suppose. I have been learning tons and still have loads more to learn, but I am thoroughly enjoying the process of being remolded and challenged in my ways of thinking. Causing me to open my eyes and see the mysterious things of God more clearly and it's so exciting! I've never been a closed minded person when it comes to spirituality anyway. I've tossed the glorified baptist Christian label out the damn window. Over it. Moving on and moving up to the next level.
So since this is my blog and writing helps me wade through the shittiness of life, I guess I should leave myself some tidbits of hope for all the hard days to come, since I revisit my own blog pretty regularly:
*Hold out for your love, it's definitely going to be worth it!
*See the value in yourself, the ways others do
*One month from now things will be different
*A year from now life will be different
*The future is brighter than the present
*Creativity is your superpower, use it
*You are stronger than you know
*Be kind to and love yourself
*Find the joy in the waiting
*Learn to let SHIT go
*This too shall pass
*Joy is coming
