Oh lover of my Soul

Oh lover of my soul
Be gentle with my heart
Treat me with gentleness
And treat me smart
For I have been
Worn down and weary
And I long for this new start
Though I am a little scared
Of the rush
My desire to go slow
Is interrupted
By the thought of your touch
It's the happiness 
You bring 
That makes my heart wear a bigger smile
Over this entire thing
And I love this feeling of joy
My feelings run so deep
For you
My boy

So I ask you again
Oh lover of my soul
Please be gentle with my heart

Untitled

Frozen.  You sit.  The chill begins to reach the bones.  A brisk cold overtakes your core.  Ice forms on the mantle of your once warm beating heart, leaving you lifeless and hard.  The cold shards begin to chip away at your already beaten soul.  You let it.  After all, what's the use.  You've never had a happy ending anyway.  You've come to expect disappoint and hurt. You've allowed those negative things to take root in you so many times before, you have pulled yourself out of the rut and here you are once again.  Why should this time be any different from the last.  You keep your cold hard guard up and don't let anyone in.  The place you've cut off, trying to learn how to not feel so much, so you won't get burned.   Walls are easier to build than having to deal with the hurt.  Why in the world would you ever allow yourself to be vulnerable... again.

Then, along came this guy.

Someone unexpected. Someone you weren't even looking for.  He breezed his way into my life without warning, without notice.  He wasn't invited.  He came along and he slowly began the process of thawing you out and warming you up.  So much so that you could feel yourself breaking free from the chill, the cold, the ice that you've let enrapture your heart time and time again.  You slowly begin realizing that the ice is melting and the warmth of your heart was free again.  There he was, meticulously reviving all that was cold, dark, lost and lonely.  Leaving you free to believe again.  You start to believe that life doesn't have to be this way or that way,  that it can just be downright amazing.  That love is real and tangible and there are still beautiful men out there with the most amazing hearts!   I get to call one of them mine.

Dedicated to my selfless rescuer, my WonderBoo

Wading Through The Deep

           Learning too much about stress, waiting, confusion, loneliness, frustration, aggravation and lots about love.  Life is so full of surprises, good and bad. 

          

          Things are not always what they appear to be on the outside.  The external is covered with a smile that hides the hell that's going on inside.  I think we are all basically wrecked inside, some of us just have better ways of hiding it, and maybe even more creative ways of dealing with our wrecked selves.  

          I don't handle things as well as I wish I did.  I know I am stronger than I allow myself to be.  Some days I just feel so weak, so worn and so weary that I can't see passed my owns problems and stresses of life.  Stress leads to frustration and aggravation with everything and everyone around me.  Stress elevates and heightens all my other problems, making them seem even worse than they really are.  The kicker is that I know what my root cause of stress is, there's just nothing I can do about it right now.  So I continue muddling through each day with the hopes that tomorrow will be better than today.  I hold out for the hope of each coming day.

          Love, wow.  Love is so great. Being in love is mind blowing.  I can't say enough about it.  There are so many emotions tangled up with the simply complex word, love.  Caring about someone else's welfare on every damn level possible.  Worrying about them, sometimes even above worrying about yourself.  Putting them first, in every thought and feeling, being so concerned with their being in every way.  I love really hard and really deeply.  I can't help it, that's how I was created, to BE a LOVER. It's daunting, painful and scary and I wouldn't trade a moment of it for the one my soul loves.  I would do it all over again without question!  My answer is yes, every. fucking. time.  YES.

          There's been an awakening, have you felt it?  My faith has taken a huge hit and a great turn in the right direction.   For the last couple of years I've questioned everything I believe against everything I have seen, felt and experienced from my past and those things don't line up with what I've believed in the more recent past.  It's hard to separate those things.  It doesn't have to be either this or that, learning to see with a different eye what's going on around me.  Picking apart my faith, piece by piece and trying to figure out where all these pieces fit to create a clearer picture for me.  I have found out (again) that meditation and breathing really helps me work through things.  I am rediscovering things that I used to do and finding what I need in other avenues of spiritual awareness.  There just has to be some foundational truths to each religion, some sort of takeaway that speaks to my soul, truths that are willing to guide me.  I'm discovering things via a more mystical approach to spirituality.  Seeking a more intimate and deeper awareness of God and of myself.  Seeing myself more as a mystic I suppose.  I have been learning tons and still have loads more to learn, but I am thoroughly enjoying the process of being remolded and challenged in my ways of thinking.  Causing me to open my eyes and see the mysterious things of God more clearly and it's so exciting!   I've never been a closed minded person when it comes to spirituality anyway.  I've tossed the glorified baptist Christian label out the damn window.  Over it.  Moving on and moving up to the next level.

             

So since this is my blog and writing helps me wade through the shittiness of life, I guess I should leave myself some tidbits of hope for all the hard days to come, since I revisit my own blog pretty regularly:

*Hold out for your love, it's definitely going to be worth it!

*See the value in yourself, the ways others do

*One month from now things will be different

*A year from now life will be different 

*The future is brighter than the present

*Creativity is your superpower, use it 

*You are stronger than you know

*Be kind to and love yourself

*Find the joy in the waiting

*Learn to let SHIT go

*This too shall pass

*Joy is coming

Overwhelmed

Reset to 0 days without incident.

I am so tired.

I am so overwhelmed.

I am so emotionally exhausted.

I am so overwhelmed.

I am so tired.

Searching & Seeking

Questioning my life

Questioning my entire existence

Questions about God, The Holy Spirit & Eternity

What is the truth in all these things

Are they real
Could it all be a rouze

Difference between spirituality & religion 

Life

Love, true love and soul mates 

My life and what got me here, to this place

Marriage

What I want

What I don't want

What I desire

How I want to live

How I see my future

Who I see my future with 💚

Job & Career goals

What do I want to do with the rest of my life

What are my life's goals
How do I reach those goals

Where does my passion lie

What makes me smile

What makes my heart happy

What takes my breath away

How do I balance everything

How do I keep my head on straight

And a million why's that I shouldn't even give thought to

Desperately trying to keep my focus on the hows

How to move forward

How to reach my goals

How to get what I want, what I desire 

How do I keep from being overwhelmed in the process

How do I hold it all together and keep a level head

How do I find the answers to all these questions
Searching and seeking

I will attempt, over a period of time, to answer all these questions for myself.

I desire to know these things.

Welcome to ... my head!  
I'm exhausted.

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Crisis Aftermath

Yesterday evening, I slipped off into a quiet sanctuary and prayed and cried and prayed and cried some more.  Asking God to protect all those that I love and all the other people affected by this storm and the next places it's headed.  It has been a nightmare.

As I went to bed last night, I checked the radar one last time to see what kind of night we were in for.  The radar appeared to be clear and the storm looked as though it was possibly heading farther east than expected, meaning it wasn't hitting us head on anymore.  I took a long look at the sky and hoped that was true.   I had already prepared myself for a direct hit. Went to sleep with a little peace in my heart as I hoped I had read the weather radar correctly!  

All through the night I woke up here and there and listened for the rain... nothing.  It was silent.  

Woke up at 7:30 AM to a weirdly wicked orange sky.  It wasn't raining.  I was elated!!!  Awakening my guys with a shout of "Let's go home!  Let's go home!"  We packed and left!  We were home within 30 minutes of waking up! 

There was debris in the streets, ditches had gone down for the most part...and home, home was GREAT!  Just as we had left it.  We quickly made our way in to check everything out and unload.  Showers were had, laundry was started, things were unpacked.  There is still tons to be done.  We dressed, grabbed a quick bite and headed back up to the church at 8:45 AM.  We are still a shelter and have families staying there.  

Checked in on my family who were next in Harvey's radar and they were fine!!  All of them!  The storm didn't hit them directly, but landed west of them.  Again, pure elation!

The morning and afternoon today were very busy with families needing food and essentials.  Today our food pantry served about 35 families. It was BUSY.  Donations kept rolling in, and we kept serving.  Such a generous outpouring from our community of folks and businesses!  I am still so proud to be a Baytownian! 

Tired but blessed to be a blessing to so many others who are struggling right along side us.

Things looked so bleak for so long.  Wow.  We are still here.  We have survived.  We are alive.  

#hurricaneharvey #baytownstrong #houstonstrong 

Crisis Strong

Hurricane Harvey had his eyes set on Corpus Christi, ultimately making landfall head on in Rockport, TX on Friday, August 25 as a category 4 hurricane with 130 mph winds.   It moved quickly over the area leaving a wake of destruction in its fast track to the east.

The storm very quickly made its way to Houston and the surrounding areas.  Decimating the previous landscape with quickly rising flood waters.  People clamoring to get to higher ground.  This was so unexpected. This came out of nowhere.  Water rapidly rose, endangering lives, taking over homes and businesses, stealing everything from 10's of thousands of people.

I had moderately prepared for the possibly of this storm hitting us and being inconvenienced for a few days.  Who knew this storm would end up lasting 5-6 days dumping trillions of gallons of water on our beloved city and the communities around it.  I am a native Houstonian, born and raised.  My heart breaks for my hometown city.  I live 20 miles east of Houston in Baytown, population 80,000 or so now.  I love my community and the people in it.  We are strong, we are survivors.  Hurricanes and tropical storms come with living on the coast.  It's all part of the beauty ... and the choas.

My heart breaks for the numerous people who have lost everything, some even lost their lives trying to escape.  Death toll is currently at 12.  Just awful.  Family members and friends are flooded in or flooded out.  I'm worried about my house taking on water.  Tonight is going to be the real deal here as the tropical storm rolls up through here for a final and 3rd hit. 

It began with my family in Corpus, rolled through Houston and Baytown hitting us and taking a turn for Lake Charles where my parents are and heading down towards Baton Rouge where my sister is.  This is truly and sadly a family affair!  Most of my family has been or will be affected by this. 

We have made every preparation possible in our house to secure some of our belongings in case water came into our home.  Putting as much as we could up high and off the floor.  The water kept rising ... then falling...then rising...then falling and rising.  When it got to the point where it wouldn't fall, we decided it was time to leave.  We evacuated on Monday evening to my church, which is also the church I work at.   We decided it was better to be safe than sorry.  Afraid we would end up having to attempt an evacuation when it would be near impossible. There are limited places to go as well. Monday night went well, we were in a safe place.  It rained, but not too terribly bad. 

Tuesday morning we got up and around and found a donut shop open and bought some breakfast and checked our street.  Water was still standing, but it wasn't terrible.  Ditches were still very full with nowhere for water to drain off.  So tonight we are staying at the church again.

Tuesday morning turned to afternoon and then it happened.  Our church became an evacuation shelter without warning.  A truck full of people showed up and was bring dropped off by a rescue crew.  Everything was fast forward without a plan!  It was a bit much, a furious scurrying of people and no plan.  Details eventually fell into place, all hands on deck, volunteers showed up, donations were rolling in and the volunteers worked very hard to get things organized and set up.  It was great to see so many people join together to help each other in such a time of crisis.  I'm proud of 'people' today. The human condition - we are fragile & breakable human beings and are not immune to the sufferings this life sometimes throws at us.

 

I'm staying in a heartbroken state of prayer.  Begging God to clear this up and make a way for everyone.  The cleanup will be long and extensive.

We are #BaytownStrong & #HoustonStrong We will be good again.  I am so PROUD of my community!!

Tomorrow's blog ... Crisis Aftermath

Dancing Despite the Dark

Early to bed and early to rise was on last nights agenda.  Turns out that agenda took a nose dive and I went to bed late and woke up at 3:30am.  There was no going back to sleep once I woke up.

Gathered the kids, clothes, towels, sandwiches and coffee and hit the road at 5:30am.  I had these mad plans to make it to Galveston this morning and watch the sunrise, come hell or high water.  Hell did not rain down and the tide was out, so we were good.  Sunrise was said to be at 6:44am.  We had plenty of time.  We arrived to an empty, peaceful, serene beach laden with all the seaweed you could ever hope for.  Toted our chairs and coffee down to the beach and faced the east.  We sat and watched and waited for that big orange ball to peek up over the horizon and let her glorious hair down.  She was beautiful.  Situated proudly in the morning sky, waiting to rain down her sunbeam showers through the clouds.  

I sat there.  I was mesmerized with the sound of the melodic waves scurrying to meet the shore.  There were songs of the seagulls overhead and all around us.  A cool southern breeze coming in from the ocean carrying tiny drops of salty sea water depositing them in our hair and on our skin. Closing my eyes from time to time to engage all my senses in my current surroundings. I never want to leave.  I could sit here forever.

I go here to escape.  Escape life.  Escape work.  Escape bills.  Escape struggles.  Escape anger.  Escape inadequacy.  Escape insecurity. Escape home life.  Escape fear.  Escape marriage.  Escape parenting.  Escaping everything that distracts me from being peace filled.  

Sometimes you need to care for yourself.  You need to refocus.  You need a new plan.  A new outlook.  A renewed sense of self.  A place to gather hope.  A place to make plans and a place to wonder why plans fell apart. A place to find yourself in the middle of your mess and tell yourself that you'll be alright.  A place where you can heal.  The beach... that's my place.

Today I unknowingly took a step that I didn't expect to take.  As I dressed this morning, I put on my swimsuit, which I didn't intend anyone to see ... because ... my body.  I pulled out some shorts and swimsuit coverup.  Dressed myself, grabbed my flip flops, and my floppy hat and that was it.  No change of clothes on this trip.  I had no intention of swimming today, as I've watched all the Jaws movie this week and several of the Sharknado movies.  This was trip to sit and just be.  

As I sat there, I realized my shorts were quite short today.  I hadn't been wearing shorts lately because of the most recent incidents (3 to be exact), I've experienced with my painful addiction of cutting.  I always cover it, always.  I always keep it well hidden until it's healed.  Never letting anyone see, as that is an extremely personal private part of my pain, a pain I shall not reveal to an unworthy person - mostly for fear of being judged for my actions.  It's mine.  I own it.  It's not for display.  Ever.

I noticed a quick glance from someone sitting next to me, but they never uttered a word, but I know they saw it.  They know I do it.  They never ask or question me about it.  It was at that moment I thought, I'm tired of hiding this "truth" about me.  I'm tired of hiding who I am.  So many people have no idea that this is something that I do.  I'm not proud of it.  It sucks to go through it.  This is still part of me, it's still something that I do.  It has been my outlet for 25+ years - well over half of my life.  I don't care who sees it anymore.  

I took it a step farther than I ever thought I would,  Apparently today  was a day for my bravery to step up its game.  I posted what I thought was a lot less obvious picture on Instagram of my legs, feet in the sand, overlooking the ocean.  People noticed the lines across my thigh and started asking me about it.  Here I thought I was posting an inconspicuous photo that wouldn't even be noticed... "Oh look, the beach!"   Wrong.  I captioned it "Truth.  You can't hide from it."  When you post a tiny pic on IG, you don't realize sometimes what a big deal it can be.  Who knew that a freeing moment could come from such a small thing.  My own niece, offered to help me through it, my niece is 13!  I don't get that kind of support from most adults I know, even the ones who know I do it and are really close to me.  She really touched my heart with that.  

I cut.  I am a cutter.  I am a self injurer.  On purpose.  I do it when I feel overwhelmed, frustrated, out of control.  I have to do it.  This is my pain, and I get to be to one to control my pain.  No one else will be allowed that power.  It's mine.  I own it.  This is me.  I don't require sympathy or pity.  Understanding, support and zero judgment is all I want. 

I want to walk around and be proud of who I am despite the darkness that surrounds me sometimes.  Despite the lines and scars that mar my skin.  These are scars from the battles I have faced and damn it all, I'm still here.  I'm still alive.  

I am not all dark, there is still good in me, I can feel it.

#cutting #cutter #selfinjurer #selfinjury #healing 

Flawed lines

i was just lying there, running my hand over my hips, feeling the changes in my body as the weight has dropped off. running my hand slowly down my thigh feeling the change in the tone and thickness of my once thicker thighs...

there's an abrupt stop.  there's a sudden change in the texture and a sullen mood washes over me.  it whisks me away from trying to embrace this new imperfect body i've been trying to improve.

it takes me to a deeper darker moment i had recently experienced and to times i had experienced in the past.  i remember the hurts and the agony that drove me there, abused me and left me for dead.  bearing my burdened weary soul to a blade. the lines, the scars, the pain tell a story of when i lost control and this was the only way to regain it.  the only way to find the peace that i know is in me  somewhere.  i just couldn't seem to find it that particular day.  so i cut.  it's not enough.  so i cut again.  i cut carefully and precisely with the appropriate amount of pressure so that i don't bleed out or need stitches.  i cut until the pain goes away.  truthfully though?  it never goes away.  it's never really gone.  it's always there lurking right below the surface of the water, waiting to pull me under and sometimes .

.

i just want it to drag me under

#recovery #hope #healing #healingthroughwriting #selfinjury #selfpreservation 

Love is painfully evident

To the girl in the car next to me bawling her eyes out,

I don't know what's going on in your life to bring you so low that you are at your emotional boiling point.  I don't know what brings you to tears.  A failed marriage?  True love escaping your grasp, and just beyond reach?  The loneliness that fills your heart in a room full of people?  Anxiety that envelopes you?  The pain that causes you to self harm?  Your gut told you and you didn't want to listen?  Why are you crying dear girl. You are loved by someone.  He LOVES you.  Immensely.

It's not the end of the world.  This is an obstacle to overcome.  Maybe the timing wasn't right, not yet.  You need to find yourself.  See what you're capable of.  Don't be afraid of the future.  You're amazing and awesome aside from whatever wrong you think you did.  You don't deserve to punish yourself anymore. Chin up. See the possibilities. Smile.

Endings many times end with a great thud.  This a beginning of something even greater.  

Shattered Glass

Today is one of those days where I feel like I've been in a fight with shattered glass.  I'm still alive, but I'm all cut up inside and out.  Physically, mentally and spiritually - cut up.  The tears stream down my cheeks, an overflow of my weary and restless soul fighting against all the feelings it's dealing with.  The stings, the burns and the pain are the only way I know I'm still alive and can still feel something.  I've found myself in a deep dark place again.  The walls are tall, black and thick.  I see no way out.  Standing here at a crossroads of broken and very broken.  Pain is all I feel.  I am hurting.  My soul is crying out.  I feel like I am on the verge of death inside.  I am a mess.

cry.

cut.

cry.

cut some more.

fix your makeup

and walk out the door.