Early to bed and early to rise was on last nights agenda. Turns out that agenda took a nose dive and I went to bed late and woke up at 3:30am. There was no going back to sleep once I woke up.
Gathered the kids, clothes, towels, sandwiches and coffee and hit the road at 5:30am. I had these mad plans to make it to Galveston this morning and watch the sunrise, come hell or high water. Hell did not rain down and the tide was out, so we were good. Sunrise was said to be at 6:44am. We had plenty of time. We arrived to an empty, peaceful, serene beach laden with all the seaweed you could ever hope for. Toted our chairs and coffee down to the beach and faced the east. We sat and watched and waited for that big orange ball to peek up over the horizon and let her glorious hair down. She was beautiful. Situated proudly in the morning sky, waiting to rain down her sunbeam showers through the clouds.
I sat there. I was mesmerized with the sound of the melodic waves scurrying to meet the shore. There were songs of the seagulls overhead and all around us. A cool southern breeze coming in from the ocean carrying tiny drops of salty sea water depositing them in our hair and on our skin. Closing my eyes from time to time to engage all my senses in my current surroundings. I never want to leave. I could sit here forever.
I go here to escape. Escape life. Escape work. Escape bills. Escape struggles. Escape anger. Escape inadequacy. Escape insecurity. Escape home life. Escape fear. Escape marriage. Escape parenting. Escaping everything that distracts me from being peace filled.
Sometimes you need to care for yourself. You need to refocus. You need a new plan. A new outlook. A renewed sense of self. A place to gather hope. A place to make plans and a place to wonder why plans fell apart. A place to find yourself in the middle of your mess and tell yourself that you'll be alright. A place where you can heal. The beach... that's my place.
Today I unknowingly took a step that I didn't expect to take. As I dressed this morning, I put on my swimsuit, which I didn't intend anyone to see ... because ... my body. I pulled out some shorts and swimsuit coverup. Dressed myself, grabbed my flip flops, and my floppy hat and that was it. No change of clothes on this trip. I had no intention of swimming today, as I've watched all the Jaws movie this week and several of the Sharknado movies. This was trip to sit and just be.
As I sat there, I realized my shorts were quite short today. I hadn't been wearing shorts lately because of the most recent incidents (3 to be exact), I've experienced with my painful addiction of cutting. I always cover it, always. I always keep it well hidden until it's healed. Never letting anyone see, as that is an extremely personal private part of my pain, a pain I shall not reveal to an unworthy person - mostly for fear of being judged for my actions. It's mine. I own it. It's not for display. Ever.
I noticed a quick glance from someone sitting next to me, but they never uttered a word, but I know they saw it. They know I do it. They never ask or question me about it. It was at that moment I thought, I'm tired of hiding this "truth" about me. I'm tired of hiding who I am. So many people have no idea that this is something that I do. I'm not proud of it. It sucks to go through it. This is still part of me, it's still something that I do. It has been my outlet for 25+ years - well over half of my life. I don't care who sees it anymore.
I took it a step farther than I ever thought I would, Apparently today was a day for my bravery to step up its game. I posted what I thought was a lot less obvious picture on Instagram of my legs, feet in the sand, overlooking the ocean. People noticed the lines across my thigh and started asking me about it. Here I thought I was posting an inconspicuous photo that wouldn't even be noticed... "Oh look, the beach!" Wrong. I captioned it "Truth. You can't hide from it." When you post a tiny pic on IG, you don't realize sometimes what a big deal it can be. Who knew that a freeing moment could come from such a small thing. My own niece, offered to help me through it, my niece is 13! I don't get that kind of support from most adults I know, even the ones who know I do it and are really close to me. She really touched my heart with that.
I cut. I am a cutter. I am a self injurer. On purpose. I do it when I feel overwhelmed, frustrated, out of control. I have to do it. This is my pain, and I get to be to one to control my pain. No one else will be allowed that power. It's mine. I own it. This is me. I don't require sympathy or pity. Understanding, support and zero judgment is all I want.
I want to walk around and be proud of who I am despite the darkness that surrounds me sometimes. Despite the lines and scars that mar my skin. These are scars from the battles I have faced and damn it all, I'm still here. I'm still alive.
I am not all dark, there is still good in me, I can feel it.
#cutting #cutter #selfinjurer #selfinjury #healing
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