Minus One

Then there were nine.  Today is Thanksgiving.  Family will be over and the food will be cooked.  We'll all eat until we are as stuffed as turkeys.  We'll laugh and chat and talk about the weather, what the kids have been doing in school, how the drive was coming in from Grapeland, how the dogs are doing, how different family members are doing and stuff, we'll tell stupid jokes that bring a giggle or two.

There will be this looming 1 ton elephant in the room all day, hanging around, watching us, waiting for us to talk about it, waiting for the tears to fall, watching to see how painfully we trudge through Thanksgiving minus one.  Maybe to see how well we can handle this, how much we're committed to moving forward and enjoying the old memories, as well as making some new memories in the process.  Possibly to see if we're ready to begin a journey without her here.  It's not a journey any of us want to go on.  Unfortunately, we have to.  

As hard as this day may be for me, I know it's especially hard on my dad as well.  There's never enough time that passes that heals all the wounds, aches and hurts from suffering a massive loss.  The kind of loss that gashes a hole in the very life you've known, ripping it all to hell.

She was a mom.

She was a grandmother.

She was a wife.

She was a soulmate.

She was a sister.

She was a best friend.

She was a daughter.

She is healed completely.

She is with the Lord.

Eventually, this will be well with my soul.  Today is hard.  Even in the difficulty of he day, I'm thankful.

Thankful for my family, my kids, my Mahoney, my dads, my second mom, my brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, my nana, my pooch, my friends, that I'm here to enjoy a holiday with the people I love, that I have talents and abilities, that I love and am loved, that I'm here to celebrate another year of Thanksgiving with most of my people.

Even though we're minus one.

An ever-changing weather forecast

You never know what kind of weather you'll encounter on my blog.

I love the Lord, yet I struggle through this daily life I live.

Some days my struggles are worse than others.

My past haunts me at times.

My life is actually great. 

I love my life.

I love my family.

I love people big.

I love hard!

But I don't feel loved big.

I don't feel worthy of big love.

I read too much into things.

I overthink.  I overreact.

I'm irrational.

My emotions screw me up.

I'm in my own head.

I'm out of the box.

I have issues.

I'm not crazy.

I am crazy.

I'm faithfilled.

I'm faithless.

I'm strong.

I'm weak.

I'm a human being.

I'm a child of God.

There will always be a mix, a potpourri of things on my blog.  These are my experiences through life and writing is one way I deal with them, good or bad, even the extremely ugly.You'd probably be thankful for all the things I don't write about!

Romance of Relationship

Romance is defined as a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love. To be wooed, chased or pursued. I mean seriously, who doesn't want to be WOOED!? 

With romance, there will be things you won't agree with necessarily. The person you are romancing won't always be reciprocal or accepting of your advances. There are and will be things about your love that you really don't like, but you love them as a whole person despite their minor shortcomings. 

Romancing someone can be hard work and it takes effort on both sides. This is an ongoing effort to consistently make your relationship work. But isn't it worth it? 

We have an invisible God who desires to romance us, chase us and pursue us. God also longs to be pursued, romanced even. The word says that the Lord your God is a jealous God. Aren't you jealous for the affections of the one you love? Of course God is jealous, he wants us for himself. He desperately loves you and wants to show you. Yet you won't give him the time of day. We treat a Holy God as though he doesn't exist, unless we need something from Him. When we treat God like he doesn't exist, we separate ourselves from Him, we begin to fall away....again...and again...and again. 

The romantic part of all this is that no matter how far you fall away, no matter how long you given him the cold shoulder and ignored Him, he STILL wants you. No matter how much you disobey Him, no matter how much you romance the notion of other loves, no matter how much you shun his advances, he still wants YOU. 

Think about the person you love most, your significant other, your spouse, your fiancé, the love of your life. I'm pretty all those shenanigans wouldn't fly with them and you'd likely never want to hurt them like that, and then have to see that pain you caused them when you look into their eyes.  With God, he loves you in spite of what you do. His heart is set on you and you are the apple of his eye. 

That's the romance of relationship with a jealous God.

Things I've learned in the dark

There's not a single word on the planet that can pull you out of the dark, unless you're ready to come out.  People can call you, message you, email you, text you, visit you, bring you cake, but there's pretty much nothing they can say that will drag you out of the pit you're in.  Words are not always necessary, yet we still search for the right thing to say.  

You don't want anyone to touch you, hug you or try to get in your head - it will either make you angry or make you cry and you really don't feel like doing either.  People will try to figure you out and see what makes you tick.  You're not looking for sympathy and you really don't want anyone around.

The dark is a lonely and desolate place with nothing but you and the destructive thoughts that self talk you into an oblivion.  Most of the time you believe every word you tell yourself, mostly the bad.  Your own thoughts can drive you deeper into darkness than you ever expected to go.

In the dark there's nothing but despair and loneliness.  The dark can very loud at times, other times the silence can be deafening.

Sometimes it's actually comfortable in the dark, you don't have to talk to, entertain or be bothered with anyone.  There's no pressure to look as though they're helping you to feel better, no need for them say meaningless words that pretty much have no impact on you.  Although, "I wish you'd just leave me alone" crosses your mind at least 17 times while they're yapping.

Sometimes it's comfy to be sitting in the dark... alone... running on autopilot.... living in a fog.  Do you want to be here?  No, of course not.  But it is what is and there's nothing you can do about it, except choose.  That choice is up to you.    Let someone extend a rope, then decide whether you want to grab ahold of it.

All this from a professional wall builder who has made many wrong choices.  

Rewinding to a big fat ZERO

reset.

redirection of pain, that's why I do it.  It's a physical manifestation of the internal turmoil and conflict of emotions.  all of the emotion and associated pain that I feel are only visible in my heart, in turn causing the infliction of pain on my skin so my eyes can see externally what my heart feels internally.  it's a control issue.  i alone, control the pain I feel. 

damn.  

#twloha

The Burn of Conviction

You are not me, so you won't understand my mindset and the things that God revealed to me in such a way that makes me see these things as truth, and floods my soul with tears of grief and disappointment. 

If one were to look at any my overall serving in the church and how much I love Jesus, one would possibly conclude that I am a good Christian who has it all together.

Wrong.  I have absolutely nothing 'together.'  Some days I really feel like I am lower than pond scum at this Christian life.

Serving in the church can be self-serving and in no way points to 'my personal relationship with God'.  The sad part is that as I lead women, I'm not leading them out the door... and into the mission field.  I'm not setting an example of what a servant of the Lord looks like.  I am not showing them what the action of the Great Commission looks like.  I am not putting LOVE, the true and basic gospel of Christ, into tangible action.  Good heavens, putting serving others aside, I'm not showing my own family, the people I spend most of life with, what serving the Lord with action looks like.  

The sad part is, it is exactly what I'm commanded to do, COMMANDED, not suggested.  Jesus made this command in Matthew 28:19 - to "GO"....Unfortunately, I haven't even begun to leave!!  What good is my Christianity if I am not being obedient to the Lords commands.  What good am I doing in trying to lead other people to follow in the footsteps of Christ, to be imitators of Christ, when I am not completely following Christ myself.  I think I am dealing with fear, fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of not knowing the answers, fear of not having the knowledge or wisdom I need,  fear of moving from a comfortable place out into unknown & uncharted (for me) territory.  

Don't get me wrong, I love serving the Lord and I am certainly not doing it for selfish reasons, I love to serve the Lord, my hearts desire is that one day He will whisper to me, "Well done, good and faithful servant".  I desire to please God, my Father.  I want to be faithful in serving Him.  In that serving, I want to serve those He calls me to serve.

Each of us burn with many different convictions in many different areas of our lives.  Your convictions differ from mine. This painful conviction, what I am expressing right now, it really stings.

I hope the burn is enough to move me from this place and point me in the direction of true service, the way God wills it.

Immersed

Immersed

The waters slowly cover my head

Filling every space between me 
and what's above 

Drowning out all the chatter

Deafening all the sound

It's that beautiful sound of silence

Under the deep blue

I find my peace

Quiet

And solitude

Here I gladly lose the senses

This is my place to just be

When I'm in this marvelous void

I am free

So free

HD

Dear passive parent, Sincerely, the aggressive parent

Dear passive parent,

I see the awe and wonderment with which your children look at you.  You are the best thing since sliced bread.  You are greeted at the door with giggles and hugs and "da-da!"  Your kids love nothing more than to hang out with you and be with you.  You're too awesome for words. They'd rather sit with you.  They would much rather go wherever you go and do whatever you do.  You hung the moon in their eyes.  It makes my heart happy that they look on you with such eyes of love and they're filled with joy.  

It also breaks my heart.    

Let me tell you about a darker side of parenting... the disciplinarian parent, the not always fun parent, the asshole parent, the aggressive parent.  I shall enlighten you as to how it feels to wear this particular noose.  

When times get tough and you have to constantly tell your children no, that they can not have this or that. That every single evening is a fight over homework.  The kids tell her they would rather wait until daddy comes home to help them with any type of homework.  It's hard to be the enforcer without backup.  How they meltdown when she tells them no about going for pizza or an ice cream.  Asking them to clean their room is like starting a war that she's not emotionally equipped to handle at this moment.  How much of a blast it is to ground her children, only to not have the backup and support from the passive parent.  How it feels to think and feel everyday like she gets no respect from the children that she's doing her damnedest to raise properly, with respect and responsibility, all this in hopes that they'll one day become upstanding citizens in a chaotic world...hopefully.  Making sure they groom themselves in some sort of fashion each day, because the dentist costs a lot of money that we don't have.  She's hopeful that some day they'll actually care what they look and smell like.  How much they think she is unfair and mean because she has high hopes for them, wants the best for them and longs for them to be more much than she is.  How she longs for them to chase down their dreams with fervor and passion. How it hurts her spirit, causes her emotions to lose control, and breaks her heart into a million pieces.... because she is not you.  She is not the one they want, they want you.  She assumes it will always be this way.  Even though her heart aches, she's glad they have you.

Please understand that all this ungratefulness takes its toll on the emotions of the aggressive parent.  High strung is a better description of her, this aggressive parent.  The intent is not to be mean or unfair or to keep anything from them, her intent is to enforce and make rules for the kids to live by.  Rules are for their safety.  She loves them, therefore, she make rules.  

Sometimes her wish is that the roles were reversed, just so she could one time see it from the other point of view.

Sincerely, 
the aggressive parent

Reset

The pain is too great
my strength is at its weakest
this battle I fight
won this round

My eye sting with tears
feeling the burn
seeing the red 
I can pull myself up

Walking away
with my head hung down
because I've been defeated
again


#twloha

Stop it NOW

Unless you've been in a certain situation or situations, you don't really know how you'll handle them or what you'll do when these very real situations arise.

So many people will tell you that You need to just move on and get over it, get past it, pick your head up, keep moving forward, rely on God, etc.   Most of these people mean well and all.  The part that they don't get, is just how hard that really is.  

We are molded by the things that have happened in our lives, those things shape our thoughts and help us form our ideas based on EXPERIENCES.  Not all experiences are positive.  Not all things done by one human being to a another human being are that easily forgiven... or forgotten.  No, I don't let these things control my thoughts, but there are triggers that set the fire burning all over again.  Then the thoughts and actions rush to my mind and I find myself experiencing things all over again, in my head.  It sparks a fire me in that burns with a passion to NEVER see or watch anyone experience this kind of thing without taking some kind of action on it.  It disgusts me.  

Thoughts are extremely hard to erase.  Thoughts are the one thing you can't escape from.   You can escape the person, but I tell you what, you can't outrun your head, heart or the thoughts racing through your head.

There are many things that have happened in my life, during my childhood that should never happen to a child, or anyone else for that matter.   There are many things that happened in my young adult life that were spawned from my past.  These are difficult things that are hard to move past, the hurts - physical and mental, the manipulation, the control, the fight for who gets to be in charge of my thoughts, who gets to be in control of my body.  Oh and the whole "I'm the victim here" crap from the one doing the abusing.  Seriously?   Yep, because you're totally the victim if I tell on your perverted ass.  It's just one more way they get you to be quiet and not tell on them for their sick twisted selves.  Things that happen in the dark WILL be brought to light.  Think about this, if it happens to you, it will happen to someone else. So, STOP IT, stop.it.NOW!!!  Save yourself AND save someone else!  There are not enough explicatives to describe how I feel about this and words don't do justice for the disgust I feel about this a subject matter.

Before you tell someone not to let their past define who they are, walk for a second in their shoes.  They will be walking in their shoes for the rest of their life.  Better yet, I hope you never have to have these experiences that will be indelibly imprinted on your heart until the day you pass from this earth.  We're all walking, what is sometimes an incredibly difficult path.  

I am a Christian.  I believe in God, in his Holy Spirit and JESUS Christ as my Savior!  I love the a Lord!  I know God is bigger than any situation that I find myself in.  I believe in his healing power and I believe in His forgiveness.

The word of God says that if you don't forgive others, God won't forgive you.   I struggle with this, like a lot.  I truly hope that God takes into account the things we've been through, otherwise I'll never be truly forgiven.  I'm pretty the scripture is black and white in this area.  There's more than likely no gray area whatsoever when it comes to Gods word.  

Do you realize how hard it is to extend forgiveness to the very people who have had a hand in harming you... in my eyes, in completely unforgivable ways?   This is just sick stuff and it nauseates me... every fresh time that it comes to mind.  So, moving on doesn't always come easy, even with God.