Really? You want me to do this?

I am feeling led to surrender to ministry. I am nervous and a little scared - but there's nothing I can't do, especially if God is calling me to do it. I know the Lord will guide me and provide me with the necessary information and tools I need to accomplish the task. My feeling is that He is leading me to write bible studies for women, along the line of getting excited about scripture and all the treasure that the Word of God holds and longs to be discovered. My wish is that we as women, would get so fired up and so excited and become consumed by the word. In that process we would become utterly amazed and fascinated, completely floored and long to share the joy of what we have discovered in the word of God.

I have been feeling the call for quite a while, and for the last few weeks - I keep hearing "surrender to ministry" "surrender to ministry". I want to be obedient to God and do what He's calling me to do. Aside from being told, point blank a few weeks ago, I am still looking for that whack on the head, the hit me between the eyes, the handwriting on the wall confirmation. I pray that I don't disappoint God and will help build up women and get them excited about our Holy Glorious God.

Prayers are appreciated and very welcomed, if you feel impelled to do so.

Writing Love On My Arms

I've been open with and accepted by a few of my close friends, sharing with them the struggles that I deal with. It's as if they never knew of the things I do. As if they've never known that anything was wrong. They treat me.... like a person, a human being with feelings, cares, desires and fears. They dont treat me any different than they did before I told them these hidden things in my heart, these hidden things in my mind. That speaks volumes to me - to be unconditionally loved by and have such wonderful girlfriends. Only a handful know, it's just not something anyone talks about. Who could be that "out there", that they would want to do something like that... on purpose. It's not necessarily that I am "out there" or that anything is mentally wrong with me.



It all started when I was a child. I can still visually see this person coming at me and putting their hands around my neck, choking me. I deserved it. I was crying in bed. I deserved it. I was afraid of the dark. So I deserved it. I can see it as clearly now, as I did then. Thats a scary image. Because I deserved it then and I was an unloveable person, I deserved it for the rest of my life. That was how I got through things, that was how I released all the pent up anger and aggression inside me. Apparently my actions were making someone mad, or upset or angry, so I figured that because I made someone feel that way - I deserved to be punished. So I did.



I suffer from self-inflicted injury, because I deserved to be punished for all the terrible things I've done to the people in my life. Do I think all the things I've done were terrible, no. But at the time that things are happening, they always seem worse than what they actually are. This just never came to a stopping point. It got to a point many times that I just wanted to end it all, and be gone from here all together, afterall, I was causing pain to others, so why should I be alive. I thought that I should feel as bad or worse than the person that I hurt to begin with, even though I may not have done anything wrong. Just the fact that I did something to someone that upset them - that was enough for me to do what I needed to do to myself. I am not obvious about it. No one ever knew that I did these things to myself, not even my parents, my sister, my brother - no one. It was a secret that only I knew about. Only a few years ago, I told my husband about these things, and they were still happening. Maybe thats when my healing phase started, after Jesus found me. But it wasnt that easy. This was not going to just.... go away. I still look at things and think about ways that I could injury myself with them.





I still fight with the temptation a lot. And when I feel the urge, I clasp my hands together tightly and I pray for God's help, until the thoughts pass. There are many many times I feel so weak and I act before praying, then the guilt eats me up, because I feel like I should have stopped it. I am not delivered from this "illness", but I am conquering it daily.

**Rescue Is Possible*Stop the Bleeding*Wake Up, You're Alive, We're on Your Side**

**Love IS The Movement**

BE LOVE, because you never know what the person you are talking to is going through - you can BE the difference in a decision someone makes today.

Tomorrow is To Write Love On Her Arms day. A non-profit organization that reaches out and provides help to people like me who suffer from self-injury, and people who suffer from depression, addictions and abuse. I pray that the world will come to understand more about people like me and the reasons we do the things we do, accepting us, without judgement.





To learn more about this please go to http://www.twloha.com/

Liquid Sunshine

Washing away all my cares
The soothing sound of the rain
It's a cleansing from above
This raining down of love

It's a perfect melody
Being whispered in my ear
Tuning everything else out
Because it's the rain
That I love to hear

My thoughts overwhelm me
Except when I listen to the rain
I am freed of the thoughts I think

It helps to ease my mind
The soothing sound
Of the rain
Coming down

A day of Revelations

Today was a bit interesting.

Act 1: Creatively Corrected!
This morning I attended a bible study for us moms. Apparently I misread a scripture that was in my book - but it surely took on a whole new meaning for me. Galatians 5:22 speaks of the Holy Spirit controlling our lives and by the Spirits control we will produce the fruit of the spirit. I've read it many times before..... but it was worded differently in this particular study, it was regarding the ever icky subject of self-control - well the book stated it like this: The key to self-control is Holy Spirit control. That HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS! It really shook me to the core. I never thought about whether or not I was "letting" the Holy Spirit control me, I just assumed that I was controlled by the spirit, after it took up residence in me. I should surrender whatever control I "think" I have and let God's spirit do the work in/with me. Does this make me subconsciously defiant towards God's leading? Is this why I fail so often? Is this why the things in my head are not getting any better? It's hard to be a christian. It's hard to do right all the time. It's hard to keep your focus on Christ all the time. It's just hard.... to BE! We have to relingquish control to the Holy Spirit and follow when it leads. I must ask the Lord daily to fill with His Holy Spirit.

Act 2: The Lord is SPECTACULAR - Are you shiny?
This afternoon as I sat in my truck at the school waiting on the boys to get out of school, I worked on my other bible study that I am attending on Sunday nights. I like to sit there in the parking lot while waiting for my boys, and do a bible study. It's so peaceful and quiet and there are no distractions. So this weeks focus is on Gods name of splendor. El Ha-Kavod - God of Glory. In the bible, visions of Gods glory are typically described as clouds, fire, smoke and lightning. These are only a canopy - because we can not look upon the face of God and survive. Moses asked God to show him His glory so God granted this request. God covered Moses with his hand and as God passed by, He removed His hand and Moses could see the back of Him. When Moses returned all the people noticed that his face glowed, Moses had no idea that his face would glow after meeting with the Lord face to face. MOSES FACE GLOWED! Can u imagine that!! Moses face glowed after spending time with the Lord. The people could see the obvious presence of God in him. Oh my Glorious Lord! I know my face doesnt necessarily light up a room, but shouldnt it? Am I aglow with God's presence? Is it obvious that I have spent time with the Lord?? time in His word? time in prayer? Can you imagine how beautiful we would all be if we spent time with God - we would be a SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE :) By definition: shiny means - filled with light, bright, glistening, gleaming. Are YOU shiny? Shiny is beautiful! "We've been created in the image of God who loves beauty and who is Himself infinitely and spectacularly beautiful'" WOW!

Act 3: He sang His song over me
This evening I was driving home and one of my favorite songs came on the radio "Born Again" by Third Day: the lyrics go like this -
"I was lost when you found me here, I was broken beyond repair, then you came along and you sang your song over me. Feels like I'm born again, feels like I'm living, for the very first time, for the very time in my life."
After being broken for so long and then the Lord coming along and singing a song over me, He brought me to LIFE, a life and a love that I've never known! So why is it that sometimes even when we are born again and have the love of God, why do we still live like we are broken?? It all comes down to choices: we choose to live for God, we choose to believe Gods Word, His promises. We stand up and praise Him because we are proud, free, saved, born again! We have so much to look forward to. This is only the beginning. This is all practice and preparation for us to celebrate the big dance when we get to heaven. Can you even fathom what that will be like? Oh my goodness - it's going to be glorious, amazing, brilliant, spectacular and we are going to be some SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE!

I want to stand/kneel/fall prostrate in the presence of my God and Savior and come away with the most brilliant Son tan!