I've learned that life is so fragile and it truly is just a vapor. You don't know when your time is up. All of our days are numbered and we don't have a clue as to the when, the how or the why. We've lost Carrie Fisher (Princess Leia) this week, her mom Debbie Reynolds, and George Michael, we've lost Kenny Baker (R2D2), and Prince this year. It's been a sad year for this 80's lovin Star Wars-aholic. So sad that so many amazingly talented people have been taken this year, along with many more.
I've learned that my Aspie freshman, can and will survive high school without me and that beng booted from band was a blessing in disguise. He is thriving and doing well and loving his art class. I've learned that my 7th grader will still experience drama so long as he is still in junior high (come on high school!). I'm so over 12 year old drama. I've learned that the puberty of my sister and I likely drove my parents crazy then like it is me and my hubby now with these two beautiful sons we have.
I have learned that now matter how long you belong to a body of Christ and develop relationships with the members that develop into friendships...go visit another church or two and you start getting the cold shoulder from those you've loved and vested your time in and cared for and ministered alongside. They will turn. Unfortunately church feels more like a club for the elite, rather than a hospital for sinners to serve others in love and humility. Not all churches are exactly doing the Lords work. That's not what I desire in being with a body of Christ. So the search continues for a new church home in the new year.
I've learned that health is fragile and if you don't treat your body right, it's hard to get it where it needs to be to be healthy again. Undoing all he damage is hard work. I began having blood pressure issues (130/90 range) and had to do something about it ASAP, or be forced on pills that I don't want to rely on to live, especially if I am too lazy to do the hard work myself. I'm taking the hard work route through this. Supplement free, pill free, healthier eating, mindful eating, and exercise. I have to be honest though, I HATE exercise. I have lost 35 lbs in the last 1-1/2 years, so that's progress! If I croak, it won't be for a complete lack of trying to better myself. I weight 203lbs currently, which is a number I can live with being that I was at 238lbs, 18 months ago. Decreased portion size, eat only when I'm hungry or feel that I need to eat, cut out most sugar (I love sugar, I'm part elf!) and I am watching my sodium intake, cut out most processed foods. Making positive changes and seeing results is extremely helpful.
I have learned that I have to let go of mom. Grieving for her makes me feel worse, it depresses me, it weighs me down, it's burdensome in an unhealthy way. I have grieved my mom so much that it has made me ill. I have learned through my health issues a similar kind of pain and anguish and fear that my mother likely dealt with during her sick times. Dealing with heart disease, kidney failure, diabetes, etc. I decided that it was selfish and unfair of me to try to keep her here even feeling terrible the way she did for so long. I choose to let her go free, so I can be free of the weight of grief I carry for her. I choose to be happy for her having a completely healed body and mind and soul and being pain free, sadness free, free from the shackles of her ill health.
I have learned to appreciate my family even more, because I never know when my last day is, or their last day is. Love them hard, love them big, love them boldly and unconditionally. Live every day like it's the last. I hug them longer, kiss them more, tell them I love them. This is of utmost importance. I don't want them to forget the level of love I have for them and they mean everything to me.
I have learned that I have a lot to learn. I am learning to let go and just be me. I am learning contentment in all things. I am learning to feel more comfortable in my skin, this body is just vehicle for me to use while I am on this rock. I am learning to enjoy what's right in front of me. I am learning that my family are the only ones that matter and the only ones who will be here with and for me, they're my people and I love them.
Goodbye 2016, it's been fun (NOT!). I'm moving in to a new year!
