Divorce

I have made a decision.  A decision to not belong to this world or this life.  I am divorcing the old me, my old ways and my old negative serious cancerous self.  I am divorcing normal and boring and dull.   I shall not be bound or held hostage by my own mind.  I shall not entertain negative thoughts or harbor ill feelings towards others.  We are all running this race and we all handle it differently.  I am choosing to learn how to handle it better.

So many times I have felt like the problem is always "me", for some reason it's always my fault, whatever it is always points seems back at me.  Maybe I am just too hard on myself.  What if I am not the problem at all.  What if maybe the way I "handle" things is the root of my issues, the way I react to them.  I've always had this overwhelming feeling in my heart that I am the cause of great pain and misunderstanding and confusion, ever since my childhood, that's how it seemed anyway.  I am so tired of letting my past dictate my present and future on this earth.  I know I was created for something more than this!

My choice is to belong to a more magical life, a life beyond comprehension.  A life of more love, more freedom and much more simplicity.  A life where I take things in stride, where I respond positively rather than react negatively.  A life where I live on more of whim ready to respond to the call of love that God has placed in my heart.

I have learned that I am free to be the real ME.  Not the me that was fashioned around my upbringing or the me who a victim of life's circumstances.  Change takes time and I shall enjoy this time of change.  I shall literally become a new creation in Christ, the old me shall be gone.

I am free to be ME, the ME that God created me to be.  

Mothers Day Ahhhh!

As much as I started out loathing this darn day, it's actually been a nice day.  I have a husband who selflessly tries to put in smile on my heart.  He just wants me to be happy and know that I am appreciated.  The boys... I don't know.  Anyway, a few nice/fun gifts (Sharpies, Flash Gordon tee and an OrGreenic non-stick pan), cards and puppy prints in one of them from my very own pooch.  Church was emotional but very good.  Family treated me to lunch at Ichibon Hibachi in Kemah - which we all love.  Home to relax and chill out. 

I decided NOT to hate Mothers Day, but to embrace it and celebrate the woman I call "my mom."

For my mom:

My words won't reach your ears, they won't traverse the distance to heaven for you to hear them.  There's no point in wishing you a happy Mother's Day.... Instead of celebrating "mothers day" - I celebrate your life.  You live on through me and Sam and through our kids.  I am honored to have had you for my mom for 14,184 days!  You made me a strong-headed, strong-minded person with the ability to stand up for myself! 

I love you and thank God for our time together, but still I miss you all the time.

It's been a better day than I expected, because God is good and he brings peace and grace to those who are broken hearted and crushed in spirit.

Mothers Day BLAHHHH!

I hate this day.  I hate the way I feel.
I have merely decorated a freshly slung, wet piece of pottery with make up and a smile, I know that at some point during this dreary dang day that the glaze of eyeshadow and mascara will find it's way running down my face.  I am a cracked pot full of tears looking for an escape route from the pain and pressure that I feel inside.

Yes, I know I am selfish, but it's so unfair!

Worship to Wrath

It was a glorious Sunday night this past Sunday.  Church went very very well.  I enjoyed the day so much even though "busy" was on the menu for the day.
That evening we went back to church for a concert by the California Baptist University Choir.  These folks were amazing!!!  A bunch of well presented and kind people.  The very very first song they did was Holy, Holy, Holy..... It was lovely!!!  Like angels singing praises to The Lord above!
My evening of enjoyment and praise came to a screeching halt 3 Holies into this glorious song.  I have a son who likes to sing along with the praise/worship music on a typical Sunday.  To my dismay I heard a nasty Shhhhhhhh! and then caught the eyes being rolled at my child!!!  Let me just say she was shot a look from me that not many have ever seen.  She is way old enough to know better than to do that, especially to a child who is sitting right next to his mother (ME!).  I was hot.  Not I wasn't hot, I was livid!  In the middle of the beautiful voices that surrounded me, I sat, fuming.  I wanted nothing more than to punch her darn lights out and let her know she had no place.
This wasn't a situation that I "read too much into", it was taken exactly the way I took it.  Here's why I know, because last night at church, she barely glanced at me and quickly turned away, she would not make eye contact with me.  And she has a habit of sitting with a look of disdain on her face every time my son is near her..... Because I notice it. Every.time.  It's so sad that we as Christians kill our own wounded brothers and sisters.  Where is the love and acceptance?  Church is the last place I expect to treated with ignorance and hatred.  
I am so sick of folks NOT being nice to each other.  Even last night, I caught another young man being mean to my other child, not by hearing it 2nd hand, but by hearing it myself.  Something is amiss when we don't teach our children to love others and to NOT be mean.  Disciple and love begins at home.  So, God help me instill Christlike qualities in my children as well as in myself.