Welcome to my blog, it's my life, these are my thoughts. Sometimes they're cheerful and happy, sometimes they're a big pile of bantha fodder.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

A freshly baked blog post

Homemade breads - done and yummy! So glad that everyone likes it. I finally figured out how to make bread and I have to say that I am pretty proud of myself. I feel like I have accomplished something. I can actually wear that label of "Baker" LOL :) I have successfully made 4 batches of 2 loaves of bread and 1 super failed batch of 4 loaves (for church bakesale)! Got my water too hot and so my little yeast guys were screaming and died....causing my bread, NOT to rise :( I kinda sucked. I got up at 4am just to make sure they were fresh made for church that morning. Oh well, I'm still learning. Tonights bread was a regular loaf and the other was cinnamon and brown sugar. Yummy! I have previously made orange cranberry bread, it was pretty good too.

Life is still crazy and has it's share of ups and downs. Some days are better than others. We are still working on getting my big boy straightened out with meds. Hoping and praying that these are working for him and since I am not at school with him during the day, I am not sure how well that is working out. Worried about his TAKS testing next week... God please guide him through these tests. He really needs to do well on them.

Personally, I am still not sure on the decisions that I need to make. I am afraid of the way I feel. I also feel that I am not useable by God because of the feelings and thoughts that I have. I know that anyone can be used by the Lord. I just feel like I am not a good witness, although the Lord knows where my heart is. Of course, He also knows exactly what will happen with this life has given me. I just wish he would clue me in a little. I still have to make some choices and I need all the guidance He can give!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Aspergers anyone?

We officially have a diagnosis now.... Aspergers Syndrome, which falls under the umbrella of Autism. As least now we know what we are dealing with. He has a high-functioning form of Aspergers. He can't relate too well socially, he has trouble with repetition and obsessiveness. He gets stuck on one thing and can't get it out of his head, until he's ready. He is beginning to realize, and it makes me so brokenhearted for him, that he doesn't have any friends. I wish things were easier for him. I am just now beginning to take the steps to see what kind of help I can get for him. Right now I just feel like someone took my lego starship apart, put all the pieces in a box and violently shook them all up! I've been able to put a few pieces together, that's a start. Praying for God's guidance with all of this.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Keep your thoughts to yourself

Along with the added stress of other things happening in my life, I am still trying to figure out the best way to help my child manage/overcome/handle his ADHD. Here we sit again, trying to figure out what med or other changes will be the best for him. Today we are heading back to the doctor again. The sooner we can get his figured out the better off we'll be. I hate having to try him on all these different medications. I seriously would love the Lord to guide us to the right treatment. This is getting old already. It is affecting every part of our life. Home, school and church are all affected by this. I get tired of complaining about him, I get tired of hearing teachers and principals complaining about him, I get tired of hearing his teachers at church complaining about him. It kills me that he has such problems at school making friends because of his ways. Most of them complain that he is annoying. Unfortunately they're children and children are just mean. I've been a victim of that before as a child. It just saddens my heart that my son is going through this and I hate that he is having to deal with things like that. I can't be there to protect him all the time, although I wish I could. I try to be at the school as much as I can and be supportive of him, sometimes it's just hard. It's hard when you feel like you have to avoid certain situations just so you don't have to hear someone else speak negatively towards your child. It sucks.

Uncomfortably Numb

Sometimes, things that you think won't change, change. Things that hope will change, don't change. I am sitting at a crossroads right now. I'm not sure if I should go to the left or to the right. I seemed to have buried myself again. I keep shutting down more and more and in the meanwhile, I'm pushing everyone around me even farther away. I'm to the point that I'd really just rather run away and forget everything. I have a 1,000 different emotions going on in my mind and heart and I can't seem to sort them all out. I feel so numbed out right now. Like no matter what happens, I wouldn't care, nor would I be surprised by anything. That's how numb I am.

I know Lord, that you already knew all this was going to happen. I just wish you'd give me a glimpse of the outcome, cause I am losing heart here real fast. I need a ray of hope to be shed on this whole thing. I know the way I feel is wrong. I've prayed so long for it to change, and it hasn't. What do I do now?