Welcome to my blog, it's my life, these are my thoughts. Sometimes they're cheerful and happy, sometimes they're a big pile of bantha fodder.

Monday, December 31, 2012

A huge gaping hole!

It's been many many years, probably since I was 12 years old that I've had this same sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, as indescribable sickness, a dreary heaviness and a longing.  It's an overwhelming feeling of being homesick - longing for one more chance or opportunity to see my mom, one more time to go home, one more time to be in a place where I am comfortable being, a place that I always know is "home" - a place where I am familiar with everything, the smells, the sights, the sounds, the feelings, the warm familiarity.  I've had this same deep seeded emotional pain when I was 12 and living in Colorado with my dad.  I ached so badly in my heart, I just wanted to be at home where my mom was, I missed her terribly.  Tonight I feel that same ache from missing her, just like I did then, when I was 12.  I was raised by my mother and was used to being with her all the time.  My dad did his darned to provide a home where I would be happy and thrive, it was just never really "home" for my heart.  Now here I am, my mom passed away 21 days ago, and I have this same nagging gut wrenching feeling of home sickness plaguing me - a sickness to the core.  I have missed my mom every single day since she's left.  Good Lord, I hope to learn a very valuable lesson from this, never take life for granted for it can all change in just a moment.

I feel like I've had a huge gaping hole punched through my heart.  
I feel so 
... hollow 
...... and 
.........empty
.......... inside.  

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Are You Keeping a Box, Pt. 2


The box that I blogged about in May of 2010, has finally made it home.  I am so happy to have it, just not under the circumstances in which I acquired it.  Photos, cards, obituaries, marriage certificates, birth certificates, death certificates, memories, memories and more memories!  

The most amazing dusty brown box filled with lifetimes of memories, I humbly and loving accept it. 



Now, GO, start your box!!!

The Glory of Love

You've got to win a little
Lose a little
And always have the blues a little
That's the story of
That's the glory of love

The Glory of Love performed by Bette Midler is one of her favorite songs and is also from one of our favorite movies "Beaches", I can't even begin to count how many times we've seen Beaches & Steel Magnolias.  We'd sing along, laugh and cry.... every time.  That song has a whole new meaning to me now, it reminds me of her.  It's funny how you can hang a memory on a song or movie or a smell - it just keeps life moving with them in your heart.

You've gotta win a little.....
The story of love that I am referring to is passing of my dear mom.  It's so hard to believe she is gone, that I will never hug her again, that I will never hold her hand again, that I will never kiss her again, that I will never go to Hobby Lobby to yarn shop with her, we will never spend another Christmas together, or a birthday or Mothers Day.  I will never get to watch her sneak a sip of my aunt's mixed drink when she walks away - and when my aunt returns.... she realizes her drink is gone and doesn't realize it was my mom, until we start giggling about it.  I get most of my sarcasm and smarta** remarks from her, she had such a quick wit and snappy comebacks.  My mom was my best friend and partner in crime.  We'd make homemade fresh potato french fries at midnight and we'd see how many Cookie Crisp cereal's we could cram in our mouth at one time.  I learned so many wonderful things from her.  I learned to crochet, to quilt, to cook, to make icing, and homemade bread.  She taught me to stand up for myself, to be a strong woman, to be independent and loving.  She had such a way of tongue tying and twisting her words into something that is normally perceived as garbled noise, the crazy part of this is that I normally understood "momspeak" pretty clearly.  

Lose a little....
Genetics began to take it's toll on her, she began to go downhill pretty fast in Feb 2009.  She would bounce back every time, but during her decline in Feb 09, she ended up on dialysis and her congestive heart failure had worsened.  It was at this time that we realized how serious it really was, scary and very serious.  I shutdown in fear of losing her, I wish I hadn't, but I can't change that.  I spoke with her in Jan 2011 - almost 2 years after she became seriously ill and I explained my actions and we began to heal our relationship, she was understanding after that - she had no idea about the things that transpired before I shut down.  During that 2 years I did talk to her, but our relationship had changed - because of me.  I am so thankful that things between us were "normal" again for the last 2 years, I am so glad that I don't have any regrets with regards to that.

And always have the blues a little......
Yesterday, my brother and my sister and me went to pick up my mom for one last time, bringing her back to her final resting place.  Its so surreal to carry a loved one out in a plastic box, bagged up in a burgundy velvet sack.  It's hard to believe that this is all that is left of a very full life.  We had a noon service at parents place and those who wanted to share something about her shared, myself included.  There were so many things I wanted to say but I could hardly articulate the words, but I was able to speak, so that was a good thing.  Everyone headed to eat lunch at my aunts and my dad, by brother, my sister and me stayed behind to do Cherokee ceremony and spread her ashes - just the 4 of us - it was a beautiful thing and very peaceful and special.  Cool wind blew through the trees laced with touches of warmth and the aromatic smell of sage burning around us.  I have never been to a "ceremony" like this before and I doubt I ever will again.  A unique service/ceremony for a unique-LEA special lady.


I love you mom and I miss you terribly.
Thank you, thank you
thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.

In loving memory of my mom, Lea
Love & Light always - your babygirl


  
This is the Story of, this is the Glory of LOVE.


I love you forever and always mom.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Hypocrisy?

So, you say I'm a hypocrite?
I guess I am..... to a degree.
There's a lot of truth there and I will agree.
But let me tell you about Jesus.
He's the one who set me free!

I know I'm a sinner.
I was born this way.
I know that I disappoint my God.
Every single day.

All I need to do is ask,
And He always chooses to forgive.
Even when I've chose.
The wrong way To live.

I'm trying my best to live for God.
Although some days.
Life's not easy.
I am doing the best I can so that it pleases
The God that I love.
And my precious Jesus.

For Christ accepted a sinner like me.
Flawed and wicked in all my ways.
I've been washed in his blood.
Now I am thankful all of my days. 

This is the love of Christ.
He came to save my soul.
I am so utterly grateful,
So now you know!

My intention is never live like a hypocrite (practice one thing and preach another).  But just like anyone else who has accepted Christ - I have been saved by an undeserving grace.  I am going to make mistakes everyday, I am going to disappoint God everyday, but even in the middle of those mistakes and disappointments - I love God and I know He loves me.  I am not a perfect Christian, but I am trying my hardest to live by the standards and laws that God has laid out for us according to His word.  I am doing the best I can to be a follower of Jesus and to love God with all my heart.  Just as a parent forgives their child for their wrongdoing, God my father also forgives me.










Sentimental Tripping

Well, I am currently on a mission.  My mission is to finish organizing all my photos and back everything up, but while on that mission, I ended up on another mission.  A mission I'll call "sentimental tripping" - in regards to the organization and dating of the photos of my oldest son.  Sentimental is for obvious reasons, tripping is for the journey through his 10-1/2 years of life.  Watching my child grow, develop and mature through photos has been a really neat experience.  
These aren't pics I haven't see before, I see them often, in their individual locations - but not together, in a chronological manner.  I can't wait to see what it looks like when I get the video completed containing all his pictures, my most precious memories of him.

His eyes are as big & brown and his eyelashes as perfect as they were the day he was born.  He has the cutest little "ski jump" nose and those perfectly lined lips that hold many many wets kisses.  I noticed something about him as I was taking this sentimental trip down Jerbie lane, he hardly ever smiled, he typically had an expressionless face.  It always seemed to me that he was a happy child, so in light of me noticing this,it made me sad.   Was there something else going on with him that I didn't know?  Should I have seen the warning signs for autism a lot sooner?  I don't know that back then, that I would have known what to look for or even what autism was.  The more I look back on his life, the more I see things that are unusual in his mannerisms and his obsessions and the white noise he loves so much.  He is as sharp as a tack and as smart as a whip, he's a very intelligent child.  Autism doesn't make him any less of a person or any less special than anyone else and it certainly does not define who he is as a person, but it does help explain a lot of what is going on in his head.  A beautiful child with a beautiful mind jarred by a very misunderstood disorder.  He is a wonderfilled little boy who owns my heart.  I fell in love with my son all over again during my journey of sentimental tripping.    

For my Jare - love always, Mom

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

From his mouth to my ears

Is your mouth saved?  
Such a simple question with a huge meaning.  
When we admit to God that we are a sinner, believe that Jesus is God's son and accept Jesus as our Savior, we don't think about about what all that entails.  You accept Jesus "as you are".... then you start to fade away a little, you start learning, growing, morphing into a Christ-follower and it's great and wonderful!  Life has new meaning!  
I will use this idea as my analogy - I accepted Christ when I was Medusa (she a mythological woman with snakes as her hair, ugly all over).   As Medusa's head - I accepted Christ - just a touch of faith.  The more I grow and lean into God and his leading, I cut off one of those snakes.  I grow some more, I lose another snake...and so forth and so on.  Til I become the person God wants me to become, the woman he is molding me into.  The scary part is when you notice that there is still a couple of snakes that desperately need to be cut off and your 8 year old lets you know.  At this point a few scriptures comes to mind.... for the overflow of the heart comes out of the mouth..... do not use foul language, etc, etc....    My son said a swear word last night because Mario would NOT do what he wanted him to do on his DS....  all the sudden I hear "dammit!" from the living room.  I call him with no reply, so I TOLD him to come here, he showed up with his hands over his mouth - he knew immediately what he had done wrong.   I told him to get in the corner, so he did.  Later on we commence to having a conversation about saying bad words.  He tells me, "why can y'all say those words and we can't".... oops!  I explained to him that we aren't supposed to say them either, sometimes it slips out and it's called sin.  I told him that he could tell me 'hey mom, you said a bad word and you aren't supposed to say that" - gave him permission to chastise me, if needed.  Our kids pick up on everything we do, even when we think they are listening.  They notice.  We can't preach to them and not follow through, ourselves.  We are to lead by example.   
We I woke up this morning, I logged into FB and I saw a post someone had made about a local female preacher and part of her sermon was - Is Your Mouth Saved?  I thought WOW!   God is trying to tell me something.  I believe I will try much harder to heed this warning, not only for God, but for my children as well.  I too shall try harder to practice what I preach.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Touched by Autism

Autism is whole bunch of symptoms regarding the psyche, response to life, and mental processing all heaped under a huge umbrella of hopelessness, or so you'd think.  
Autistic children are profusely misunderstood, they are bullied, they are looked at as "different" or as "special needs" - they aren't special needs - they need special people.  They are people who process things differently, think differently, comprehend things in ways we don't, they are highly intelligent.  I know from my own personal experiences with my son that he is a very smart young man.  I know how misunderstood he is.  Sometimes, I misunderstand him myself.  Each day is different and we never know which "son" we are going to get, I guess, all things considered - each day is a new adventure in our crazy mixed up life.  But each day we know God IS still in control.  God created him fearfully and wonderfully, gave him the breath of life, knows the number of hairs on his head, knows when he sits, when he stands, knows everything about him, yet He has entrusted us to be his parents and care for him.  This is our son in a nutshell  =)

He barks & meows
He loves stringcheese
He walks in weird way
He is very good at math
He quotes anything after hearing it once or twice
He puts everything in his mouth, he literally gets a taste of life
He likes the color YELLOW
He makes a very loud A-buh, A-buh, A-buh sound
He loves music (Weird Al and Aerosmith)
He loves flashlights, ceiling fans and motors
He pretty much breaks everything he gets his hands on
He gets overly dramatic when he gets excited
He incredibly agile with Mario & Luigi through each world
He's keen to giving minute details about stuff he finds fascinating
He is obsessed, make that extremely passionate about (train pass gates) train gate hands/crossing arms/lights 
& ding-ding sound the train gates make
He gets overly dramatic when he's upset or mad
He gets excited about anything he finds intriguing
He hates to read, it's like Kryptonite
He watches TV 3 feet from the screen
He loves guitars & keyboards
He ALWAYS has to be PacMan
He loves Thor
He couldn't care less about having more "stuff"
He acts out movies while he watches them

So yea, we're touched by autism, but more importantly we're touched by a wonderful child who has a great heart and a promising future ahead of him.  He is not his disorder, he is a child, a person, a human being living the human experience with the challenge of autism.  I expect know he will defy all odds and become an an even more wonderful young man, student, husband, father, uncle, and our SON whom we love dearly!




Stevie Nicks & Rod Stewart



This was the highlight of my 2012 summer!  I had waited for a very very very long time to see 2 of my favorite singers and last Thursday night - I DID IT!  If Sting would have been there, it would have been perfect!  Stevie Nicks alone - hands down, one of my personal top 5 artists of all time - that was such a privilege to see her perform, I mostly went for Stevie, Rod was definitely an added bonus.  To anyone else, this would have been no big deal - to me = awesomeness!   I don't idolize music artists or anything, but I grew up with and listening to both of them and I was so stoked to see them, since a kid I always wanted to see them in concert, it took 20+ years!  Since my hubby was at a men's retreat for church, I made my baby boy go with me!  I still had a blast and he had cotton candy.  It was a win win!  So grateful that I was able to go.  Makes me smile just thinking about being there.

He Holds Me Securely

Short version of life this summer:

  • Church life: I've rejoined the women's ministry at church, started teaching Wednesday night bible study again, had a successfully wonderful ladies retreat, and I am headed in the right direction in the healing process.
  • School/Work life: I graduated with honors from massage therapy school, my in-home massage studio is up and running, so stoked!   I love being a MASSAGE THERAPIST!  On the other hand, our other business has been really slow, BUT we are making it and God provides.
  • Kid life: kids are doing great.  They are growing so fast.  Getting so sassy, and they're so smart.
  • Summer life: the summer has been interesting, but pretty chill.  We haven't done a whole lot.  Life has been a bit of a struggle over the summer months, but we know God is in control, God is always faithful and He will take care of us.  I guess this was our year to hang out at home.  We've been to mimi's once (3 hours away), we've been to Nana's a 3 or 4 times, we've been bowling, we've jumped at the bouncy place, gone to the movies.  Mahoney and my big boy went on a men's retreat with church and got all stinky and man smellin.  My oldest came home all "I'm a big boy, yadda, yadda, yadda" with attitude, had to stomp that out real fast since he was being mean to bubba :(  
  • School life: Praying that they have great teachers this year.  My only concern is who my big boys 5th grade teacher will be.  I am very much considering taking him off his pills, for one they are poisoning his body and two they are expensive.  For my baby, he's going to 3rd grade and I'm hoping for a better year for him as well!
What I love most is that no matter what is going on in our life, no matter where we go, no matter what we do, no matter what we feel, God is right here with us.  I give Him the glory, even when things are hard, even when things go wrong, even when things seem like they'll never work out, even when things seem hopeless, even when things are rough, I still will give Him praise from my lips and my heart.  I know that my time here is temporary and I am looking forward to a glorious eternity with The Lord Who Provides.


O God, you are my God;
I earnestly search for you.
My soul thirsts for you;
my whole body longs for you
in this parched and weary land
where there is no water.
 I have seen you in your sanctuary
and gazed upon your power and glory.
Your unfailing love is better than life itself;
how I praise you!
I will praise you as long as I live,
lifting up my hands to you in prayer.
You satisfy me more than the richest feast.
I will praise you with songs of joy.

I lie awake thinking of you,
meditating on you through the night.
Because you are my helper,
I sing for joy in the shadow of your wings.
I cling to you;
your strong right hand holds me securely.
Psalm 63:1-8

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Why?

When we go through different things, why is it so hard to come back strong? Why does the hurt linger, like tiny little pinpricks all over you. When does the hurt go away? When does the healing begin? Every time I think I've made a step in the right direction, something sets me back. I feel so lost right now and so out of fellowship and so out of sorts with people whom I care about. It's really crazy. I feel as though I was called to do something and others felt as though maybe I wasn't. So who was right? Now I see someone else has taken my place, or the place where I felt called to. I'm glad to see things kicking off again and happy for it taking a new direction. Maybe I'm jealous? I don't know what I am anymore. I still don't know where I belong either. I wish this ache in my heart would go away. It's hindering my relationship with my God. I've been feeling like I'm slipping for a long while now. god help me heal, please.

It's been months!

Well it's been a while since I've written.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Just THOR you

My Youngest Childs New Obsession - THOR

aRT pICS




MY NEWEST "ART" PHOTOGRAPY

Gettin my learn on =)

Learning a lot of new and interesting things this year so far and it's only day 6 of 2012!  Learning some new things about me, especially with the conversations I have with myself, you should totally hear those!  Educating myself more with my bible, getting more education at school (cause that's where I'm supposed to be "educated" at, right?).  I have started doing my bible-in-a-year reading again, learning some rockin stuff through that and reading through scripture, learning some of the things that I have been taught were not accurately presented - (this is why God gave us the ability to read and study for ourselves).  They are common misconceptions or "assumptions" rather that we just don't pay much attention to, or maybe no one really cares either way.  I do.  I'd like to know what God's word says for myself.  So here's what I've learned thus far.  
As far as I've ever learned Adam was the only living thing formed from the ground - not true.  It's been suggested that all the animals of the ground, birds of the air and fish of sea, were spoken into existence.  This is not so.  According to Gen 1:24 and 2:19, God created all birds and animals from the dust of the ground as well.  Kewl huh!  Also I learnt that God created plants long before he allowed them to grow.  He didn't allow them to grow because there was no one to work the land to take care of them.  So, I guess one of Adam's first jobs was a gardener :)  Working the land.  God gave them the plants for food, just plants - vegetarians Gen 1-8.  Then, kablam! there was a flood that wiped out everything on the face of the earth ...... after the flood, God gave Noah and his family, not only plants for food, but also animals and fowl.  Pretty neat stuff.  I like learning new things for myself.  Keep learning, keep growing.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Hello 2012!

Last night we brought in 2012 with our best friends and our kids in the midst of fireworks bursting all around us.  As sleepy as I was, it was still a good time. Early to rise, well, okay, not really.... but 7:30 seemed early, I guess because I was so sleepy still.  I came in the living room and got on my couch and snuggled with my warm blankie....back out for some sleep.  I really had second thoughts about going to church this morning, but I knew God would honor me being there and besides, I am going for God, always in hopes of him speaking to me.  It was a appointment that I'm glad I didn't miss.  My pastor spoke on Ecclesiastes 3:1-11, speaking of "time".  Last year left me with lots of regrets and heartache.  I know that God is sovereign and is always in control of everything, but it doesn't seem like that when you're going through a tough time.  I tell myself a lot..."what if".... I've learned that there are not "ifs" with God.  God's timing is always perfect, his ways are always right and he's always there just in the nick of time.  Over this past year, I look back and have a lot of regrets, but I also know that God was with me the whole time.  Even when I'm hurting and don't like what's going on, He's faithful enough to be with me, even when I'm not faithful to him.  I can either sulk about the way 2011 went and look back with regret, or I can move on, look ahead and resolve!  I've decided to resolve with anxious anticipation as to what this new year will bring.  I, like the other 1,000,000's of people on this planet, have decided to make this year WAY better than last year.   I've also learned that when you're running a race and you make that fatal mistake of looking back, you will lose the race.  So I plan to run the race before with endurance and perseverance, not looking back to the past with all these what ifs' running through my mind.

I have consciously decided to be the best Godly woman, Wife, Mom, Best Friend, Aunt, Daughter, Sister, Niece, Granddaughter, Student and Massage Therapist I can possibly be, because ALL things are possible through MY Christ who strengthens me!  I am praying that this year will bring about a glorious change to my overall person.  I refuse to name these things out as "resolutions", I'd rather call them "goals", some long-term, some short-term, but either way, I am hoping to achieve some of these goals within this year. 

Perfect afternoon today, 1st church, then home for a home cooked healthy lunch consisting of rosemary chicken, baked sweet potatoes, fresh oven cooked green beans, a fresh concoction of brussel sprouts with grapes.  After lunch, more study time and some TV to vedge out and enjoy my last 2 days of freedom from having to leave my house!

God bless you and keep you this wonderful New Year - Happy 2012!