I've been open with and accepted by a few of my close friends, sharing with them the struggles that I deal with. It's as if they never knew of the things I do. As if they've never known that anything was wrong. They treat me.... like a person, a human being with feelings, cares, desires and fears. They dont treat me any different than they did before I told them these hidden things in my heart, these hidden things in my mind. That speaks volumes to me - to be unconditionally loved by and have such wonderful girlfriends. Only a handful know, it's just not something anyone talks about. Who could be that "out there", that they would want to do something like that... on purpose. It's not necessarily that I am "out there" or that anything is mentally wrong with me.
It all started when I was a child. I can still visually see this person coming at me and putting their hands around my neck, choking me. I deserved it. I was crying in bed. I deserved it. I was afraid of the dark. So I deserved it. I can see it as clearly now, as I did then. Thats a scary image. Because I deserved it then and I was an unloveable person, I deserved it for the rest of my life. That was how I got through things, that was how I released all the pent up anger and aggression inside me. Apparently my actions were making someone mad, or upset or angry, so I figured that because I made someone feel that way - I deserved to be punished. So I did.
I suffer from self-inflicted injury, because I deserved to be punished for all the terrible things I've done to the people in my life. Do I think all the things I've done were terrible, no. But at the time that things are happening, they always seem worse than what they actually are. This just never came to a stopping point. It got to a point many times that I just wanted to end it all, and be gone from here all together, afterall, I was causing pain to others, so why should I be alive. I thought that I should feel as bad or worse than the person that I hurt to begin with, even though I may not have done anything wrong. Just the fact that I did something to someone that upset them - that was enough for me to do what I needed to do to myself. I am not obvious about it. No one ever knew that I did these things to myself, not even my parents, my sister, my brother - no one. It was a secret that only I knew about. Only a few years ago, I told my husband about these things, and they were still happening. Maybe thats when my healing phase started, after Jesus found me. But it wasnt that easy. This was not going to just.... go away. I still look at things and think about ways that I could injury myself with them.
I still fight with the temptation a lot. And when I feel the urge, I clasp my hands together tightly and I pray for God's help, until the thoughts pass. There are many many times I feel so weak and I act before praying, then the guilt eats me up, because I feel like I should have stopped it. I am not delivered from this "illness", but I am conquering it daily.
**Rescue Is Possible*Stop the Bleeding*Wake Up, You're Alive, We're on Your Side**
**Love IS The Movement**
BE LOVE, because you never know what the person you are talking to is going through - you can BE the difference in a decision someone makes today.
Tomorrow is To Write Love On Her Arms day. A non-profit organization that reaches out and provides help to people like me who suffer from self-injury, and people who suffer from depression, addictions and abuse. I pray that the world will come to understand more about people like me and the reasons we do the things we do, accepting us, without judgement.To learn more about this please go to http://www.twloha.com/
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