Flawed lines

i was just lying there, running my hand over my hips, feeling the changes in my body as the weight has dropped off. running my hand slowly down my thigh feeling the change in the tone and thickness of my once thicker thighs...

there's an abrupt stop.  there's a sudden change in the texture and a sullen mood washes over me.  it whisks me away from trying to embrace this new imperfect body i've been trying to improve.

it takes me to a deeper darker moment i had recently experienced and to times i had experienced in the past.  i remember the hurts and the agony that drove me there, abused me and left me for dead.  bearing my burdened weary soul to a blade. the lines, the scars, the pain tell a story of when i lost control and this was the only way to regain it.  the only way to find the peace that i know is in me  somewhere.  i just couldn't seem to find it that particular day.  so i cut.  it's not enough.  so i cut again.  i cut carefully and precisely with the appropriate amount of pressure so that i don't bleed out or need stitches.  i cut until the pain goes away.  truthfully though?  it never goes away.  it's never really gone.  it's always there lurking right below the surface of the water, waiting to pull me under and sometimes .

.

i just want it to drag me under

#recovery #hope #healing #healingthroughwriting #selfinjury #selfpreservation