Thanksgiving was a rough one. I made a few food dishes to take to my sisters house. It's awfully strange making my mom's 'dishes' to take somewhere else. This was my first year without her for Thanksgiving. The day was pretty somber for me, on the inside. I try to keep myself together, especially around other people, I don't want them seeing that vulnerable side of me, the hurt, the deep ache. Never let them see you hurt. Some people talk to me so nonchalantly about it, as if my emotions have chilled out with regards to losing her ....they make me want to deck 'em in the face. "You know, when you're mom died....." wahhhh! "Yea! I do know, thank you very much for freakin bringing it up!" Anyway.
As much comfort as I find in having her things surrounding me all the time, I also find a lot of emotional torment. I want it packed away, I want to keep it out, I want it packed up, I want to leave it out - so I leave it out. only trouble is, it's constantly reminds me that she's no longer here and of how much I miss her.
Posting my thoughts on my mom's FB wall helps me cope with the emotions I've been dealing with, I know, it probably sounds really dumb because I know she'll never see it, but that's what gets me through.
12-9-13:
Hard to believe it's already been a year. 365 days seems so long. Through tears, I remember the night so clearly. I've tried so hard to put it out of my head, to get rid of the visual images I repeatedly see in my mind. Part of my soul died this day, 1 year ago. I hear that the passing of time makes it easier to cope with losing a mom, I think that's the biggest load of crap, ever - for me ...it is anyway. My heart tends to break on a daily basis, every time I think of how much I miss you. Some wounds are not visible on the outside, it doesn't always show on my face, but the ache is always there. It's the strangest feeling I've ever had. In all my years, I never thought about life without you in it. I never thought I wouldn't see your sweet face again. I can only imagine how glorious you are in your new heavenly body and being in the presence of the Lord! No matter how much I miss you, I'd never want you to come back here and go through this life all over again. I know you are healed, you are free, and you are happy! The best part is, that I get to see you again one day when I get to heaven.
I long for that day.
I love you and miss you everyday momma ♡♥♡♥♡♥
Life truly does go on, even if it hurts most days.
12-24-13:
Here we go momma... This time last year, we were all walking around in a fog, so shocked by the loss, and feeling so lost. This year is different, so different. It's like the real first year without you here for Christmas. I found your old ornaments a couple days ago - and the tears began all over again. As much as I want to enjoy the holiday with my little family, there's a huge void in my he...art without you here and so many times I let the grief consume me and I lash out at those I love. I won't share it with many or even let them see my grief, but my God, I am profusely crying on the inside - ALL the time. It's an ache that I've never experienced, I don't understand and I'm not sure how to handle, I am doing the best I can.
It's like I am 12 again, living in Colorado with my dad, hundreds of miles away. I was in a pit of misery wrapped up in the worst case of homesickness I've ever had. Then and now, I have absolutely no way of getting to you, no matter how hard I try, I can't get to you, but at least back then, I could call, but now, I can't even do that. I wish for the grief to begin to ease up, but it's still just as fresh as it was December 9, 2012. God knows I hate that day, with a passion. That was the day my world changed, forever...
Today is especially hard. It's Christmas Eve. Dressing would be in the works, turkey injected, pecan pies and lemon pies and whatever new recipes you found or created would be in the works or already done and ready for Sam and I to fight over. By the way - it's MY lemon pie! (I'm making him one today? When I make mine). I miss cooking with you. I miss being with you and miss watching all our favorite movies together, I miss crocheting with you - I've crocheted the whole month of December so far, I can't stop! I miss your coy smile that tells me you're up to no good. I miss YOU too much.
I love you so much momma.
12-26-13:
I made a pot of chicken 'n dumplins 'mom style' last night in your memory. They were good, I wish you'd have been here to enjoy them with me. That was the last dish I made for you last Thanksgiving. Miss you mommie.
The reason I copied these here on my blog is because this was my true emotion in raw and fresh form, seriousness through tears with a splash of sarcasm and whimsy, just the way she'd like it.
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