Nagging List Of Issues

i wish i didn't feel alone

i wish i wasn't hurt so easily

i wish parenting wasn't so hard

i wish my 'friends' were really friends

i wish grief wasn't so dang consuming

i wish that the holidays weren't upon us

i wish i had planned better for my future

i wish my dreams really would come true

i wish i didn't suffer from moments of self pity

i wish i didn't constantly feel like a total failure

i wish i didn't let little things bother me so much

i wish i didn't know how to put up walls of defense

i wish i loved myself the way my husband loves me

i wish i didn't just want to pack up and move away

i wish my children would obey and do as they are told

i wish i didn't just shut down when i am feeling bummed

i get tired of reaching out and never being reached out to

i wish my boys would stop breaking my heart with their words

i wish my heart didn't feel like it was being ripped out every day 

i wish i didn't feel like retreating into myself and just disappearing

i wish that i had a tardis and could go back a couple years to right some wrongs

mostly, i wish i didn't have a nagging list of ISSUES

All of the above random thoughts are a build up the things that have been culminating in my life over the last few months.  For me, the only way to get through the hard stuff is by blogging or journaling or writing it out. Writing helps me to unload the thoughts swirling around in my mind.  I know that pretty much everything on that list sounds to be insanely negative.  I don't want negativity in my life...I've had my share of that garbage. It's unfortunate that sometimes I still feel the ugly twinges of negativity accompanied by raw emotion.  I am still dealing with grief and grief is a witch in a red suit trying to tear my heart out - almost daily.  I more than likely won't let you see it on my face, but she's always hiding right there in plain sight, buried in my mini-expressions and thoughts.

On a positive note - It's great to get that out of my mind AND I have a really cute snuggly pup!