Angry White Girl

The last year has been quite rough. The lows have vastly outweighed the highs. I've struggled so much. Everyday it seems I'm fighting for myself and fighting against settling for things that affect me in a negative way. I feel like I have been fighting for my mental health more than ever before.  I've been struggling with anger, disappointment, discouragement and frustration.  Honestly, I've been pretty damn pissed off. I sit in this mad pissed off place and ruminate over all the things. Being upset and angry means I care, or cared for too long or cared too damn much. I think I am way passed the point of caring, and have just faceplanted in the place of not caring. at. all. I have stumbled and fallen hard into a place of apathy and lack of concern. As a human, a person, full of emotions and a beating heart, here I am standing in the dead center of apathy. Love is one of my superpowers, so I thought. I love really hard. For a person who loves well, I feel like I am so freaking stone cold and unmoved right now. I am angry. Fighting mad. I am finally realizing this. I haven't been able to put a label on all these feelings and emotions (or lack thereof), until now. It has taken me a really long time to get here. This is a culmination of about 24 months worth of me asking, and stewing and asking again for a few minor things to happen. These are not huge outlandish requests, they are simple changes I've asked for. They are things that matter to me. They are things that affect my mental health in massive negative ways. When I ask something, and it's met with lack of care - I feel extremely unimportant and disregarded. My feelings don't matter. I am not being heard. I feel like I am raging inside. Mostly at myself and my stupid heart. Like do people really change? Can they change? Is change temporary or am I expecting too much? I hate so much that I've reached this point after this seemly short amount of time, actually it's been 2 years. Basically for 2 years I've been "waiting." I don't know how much of this I can come back from. I don't know if I'm too far gone. Too far beyond frustrated. Can I find that attraction again? Can I fall back in-love? I didn't jump into this with potential being at the top of the list, I jumped in headfirst because I was sold on this person and all of his words. Words don't mean anything if they're not backed up with actions. Where do I go from here?