...just so I can breathe

The last few days have been such a total train-wreck of my emotions.  My thoughts and feelings have been all over the place, all inward, all selfish, all negative.  I still haven't figured out whether I'm coming or going.  I have pinpointed a lot of things that push me down into this deep darkness of inner turmoil and inflicted pain.  Most days I don't know if I should give up and give in or get up and get out.  I am tired of always meeting my breaking point in a head-on collision with what always follows next.  I get tired of having to clinch my hands together to keep from doing the one thing I wish I could stop doing.  It's so hard to walk away from it when I know I need to do it just one more time, just so I can breathe again.  A loss of control drives me to regain my sense of self, a sense of feeling and a sense of aliveness, a sense of the reality that causes the pain from the start.  Yes it hurts.  Yes I still do it anyway.  It's the one pain that I can control.  It's a release... just so I can breathe again.

#twloha