How 2019 Wrecked Me

Remember just how freaking swimmingly 2018 was and how you swore at the end of 2018 that you weren't doing that shit again...well, here we are, we made it to the end of 2019!  Congrats!  You did it!  You came out on top and you did exactly what you said you'd do - you'd live bullshit free and enjoy your life.  You did exactly that.  You moved forward.  You let go.  You refocused.  You prioritized.  You began living for you and your kids.  Ditched all the naysayers and negativity mongers in your life.  Smiled more.  Worked harder on yourself and started taking small steps towards loving yourself more.  It's amazing how loving and respecting yourself more can change your outlook on things.

In all of my 2019'ing one of the best things that happened to me was finally meeting myself and getting to know myself.  My likes and dislikes what I agree or disagree on and where I stand on certain topics and subjects.  Developing my own opinions and thoughts on things and standing by whatever feels right in my heart.  I have boxed up and put away so many of my previous convictions because they no longer felt right to me anymore.  I love where I stand presently.  I actually feel freer and strong enough to feel the way I want to feel and not care if anyone disagrees or not. I feel like I have finally gained the courage and strength that I've longed for for a very long time.  Channeling the strength of my mother if you will.  She was the strongest person I know.  I am glad to have been born of such a strong and wise person - but she had to go through plenty of her own hell to get to that place of sheer strength.  I guess her journey became my journey.  Glad I paid attention.  

This year one of the other best things that EVER happened to me, happened!  I was attending a local comic convention here in my town, minding my own business and got hit with the sweetest smile attached to this most handsome gentleman, so I smiled back and for a moment we were the only 2 people in this crowded room, just fixated on each other.  Time stood still.  My heart skipped a beat.  No words were spoken.  My heart already knew.  I was completely WRECKED.  If I never believed in love at first sight, I did then!  At that moment the force was awakened in me.  My nerves kept me from going over to talk to him.  Soon after my son was chatting with him and I had an in!  The conversation was easy and fun and we discussed Comicpalooza and who was going with us.  I was fishing, I needed to know if this man was single!  I still wasn't sure, but the way he smiled at me, said he was.  I made sure to introduce myself, I wanted him to know my name and I wanted to know his.  I left the Con consumed by my thoughts of this guy.  Consumed!  I had to see if I could find out more about him through facebook or something.  I started with our mutual friend who had put on the convention, by looking through his friends list.  Sure enough, there he was, that handsome sweet face.  7 hours later I decided to friend request him and then I tossed my phone so I wouldn't chicken out and cancel it.  7am the next day my phone blinged and his name popped up that he'd accepted.  I remember thinking that morning, oh shit, now I have to brush my damn hair today.  Suddenly I was more nervous than ever.  I knew I would be going back to the Con for day 2.  He was set up as a vendor so I knew I would be running into him.  Damn.  So nervous.  I fixed my hair, tried to look extra spiffy and my son and I went back up there for day 2, mostly because he was in the cosplay contest.  We ended up at his table again, and he had brought me a gift of some Star Wars artwork.  That was the sweetest gesture.  We talked off and on during the course of the day and at the end of the day when the cosplay contest wrapped up, he was standing beside me and asked if he could see me outside of the con.  All I said was "Absolutely!"  and we smiled.  I got home around 530 that Sunday and my kids went to their dads house and I was home alone telling one my besties about this man I met.  I decided to send him a wave on messenger and he immediately waved back.  He invited me to dinner and I think I shrieked like a high school girl inside.  By 630 we were eating at Pipeline and he had ordered chips and queso for us!  He had done a little homework, which I thought was very cool!  Monday rolled around and we didn't get to see each other and I gotta tell you, Monday sucked!   Tuesday he finally kissed me.  Shriek! Thursday night he told me that he loved me and I already knew he did because I loved him too.  

My 2019 brought in heaps of healing and loads of love and a great deal of growth.  It truly was a great year.  I met the love of my life in April then this beautiful man of my dreams asked me to marry him in June.  2020 will bring a wedding in April and my baby boy will graduate high school in May.    

As this year began I chose to grow and move up.  To let go of past things and only keep what feeds my soul and let some of the new in.  I chose to start seeing myself for the amazing human being that I know is in there somewhere, she's just been hiding for a bit.  I'd love to credit myself with the growth and healing by me doing the work and in a lot of ways I do give credit where it's due.  At the same time, I owe a lot of credit to the man in my life for showing me everyday what an incredible person he believes I am - by him showing me and believing in me, it helped me see myself through his eyes and love myself even more.  He loves me and heals me so well.  I know I have tons of work to do still and don't get me wrong, I am nowhere near having the confidence level that I want, but this is a damn good start!

I think the main thing I want to focus on in 2020 is growing confidence in myself, being a little less self conscious and self aware. Letting myself go and just being fully me.  To stop letting me hold me back, because that's what I do in every part of my life.  I hold back.  I want to be reserved and classy but confident and sassy.

This year also brought us Godzilla King of the Monsters, Avengers Endgame, Baby Yoda, The Mandalorian and sadly the end of the Skywalker Saga with Star Wars The Rise of Skywalker.  42 years of my life wrapped up in 2 hours and 35 minutes.  It was a beautiful piece of filmography and wonderful piece of film history. I was able to share this experience with my diehard Star Wars fiance' and my sons and it was a spectacular experience for both us to be able to wrap it up together.


I feel like my Twenty Nineteen was a kick-ass year and Twenty Twenty will be most excellent.  Be still my heart.

The Pain of Relationships

You're not immune to pain.  There is nothing in the world that will keep you from being hurt, no plastic bubble to protect you, no matter the amount of joy that resides in you, nothing will keep you from ultimately being hurt or feeling pain in this life.  Whether it's the pain of grieving the loss of a loved one, a failed marriage, a friendship gone awry or being perpetually single and feeling so damn alone.  If you are a living breathing human being made of flesh, blood and bone, you're going to get hurt.  You're welcome.

The process of dealing with hurt and pain is a strange one.  I believe we go through stages much like grief.  There's the initial shock that makes some of us take a nose dive straight into shutdown mode (me).  Some of us go headlong into defensive mode (also me).  We may veer off the road and a head-on collision with anger (guess what, me again).  We may slam face first into the pavement of uncontrollable tears (yep!).  Or my most favorite one ... rebellion (for sure!).  You may find other unusual ways to deal with your pain,  such as self-injuring (my go-to).  You may also go against everything you think you know and tossing that flaming bag of shit out the nearest open fucking window.  Personally, I have gone through all of these stages.  So many times I have uttered the words - "I don't give a damn" to "I care too damn much."  Caring is where the problem lies.  When you care too much you get sucked into the emotional side of everything and that is what trips us up!  We let our hearts get in the way.  Then when someone rips your heart out before your very eyes and completely crushes it in front of you, you've just lost the damn battle.  You can consider yourself down for the count and I can assure you that one of the above mentioned emotions will grip you!  Pain will manifest itself in some weird ass way.  If you're expecting to dodge and weave to avoid pain, good luck with that.

Pain sucks to go through.  The searing agony of pain has to run its course through our life.  We do however come out alive on the other side for the most part, but never unscathed or marked up with the scars and bruises of past hurts.  So what is the purpose of having to wade through the painful shit.  I mean really, why???

It's supposed the strengthen us?  Make us better equipped to deal with the next round of shit we are going to face?  I just don't get it.  

What I do get is this.... pain is part of life, like any other emotion or feeling, good or bad.  Our lives are riddled with so many things, some good, some bad.  You can let yourself experience the pain and learn from it or let it take root.  I guess there's supposed to be a balance in there somewhere.  That perfect balance depends on you.  

(Journal excerpt from October 2018 when life was a bit too real)

#relationships #pain #divorce #singlelife 

All along her name was Grief

About a week ago as I was writing another post, this really deep truth hit me. It's simply the fact that I am grieving.  This feeling just hit me like fresh bag of aromatic coffee beans right smack between my eyes. 

Anger is so easy to blame and she helps me to build walls quickly, stay on guard, remain in defense mode and not let myself be open to anyone.  Keep everyone at a distance because it's much safer that way and no one gets hurt.  I've felt for a while now that all these emotions and feelings I've been having are possibly something else because I'm not really angry, just... I don't know.  

Grief makes so much more sense to me now as I try to find answers to all my questions as to why I feel the way I do.  Grieving from going through a divorce 9 months ago... that turned into grieving the loss of someone I loved. Grieving someone who had been in my life for 17 years. Grieving for a past that is gone. Grieving for the loss of myself and all the change that resulted from it. Grieving because I have kinda become unrecognizable to myself.  I am trying to find me and I feel completely lost sometimes.  It's easy to pin all this shit on anger - anger takes the blame a lot. For me it's not anger at all.  It's loss and change and trying to figure out how the hell to move forward with this one life I've been given.  

Divorce doesn't just affect you, it affects everything and every aspect of your life becomes something new and different.  a life unrecognizable.   All the thoughts and feelings that run marathons through my head everyday are totally exhausting, mentally, emotionally and apparently physically as well, as I am finding myself being kinda tired and feeling rundown and fatigued a lot lately.  I know this is all part of the crazy grieving process but I want so badly to begin to heal, to allow myself to move on, to allow myself to let someone in, to be close to someone I love and allow myself to be loved fully.  I am not closed off to the prospect of being in a loving relationship or even marriage one day.  I want all that.  I just hope that I don't become so used to doing my own thing that I never allow anyone back in.  Grief is a lonely place to be and I am starting to like the comfort of being alone.  Complication free.

However, I long to see the sun poke his shining face from behind the clouds and show me a little glimmer of hope saying that everything is going to be alright. I know that day is coming. 


#grief #postdivorce #divorce #loss #anger #healing #hope #mytruth #truth

Letting Go & Finding Myself

I am choosing MY life, moment by moment.

It is my turn to decide what makes me happy and follow my heart.  I am currently free.  Free from a man or significant other, free to choose, free to be alone if I want.  Fuck everyone else and what they think and what they think I should do.  It's my time to create THE LIFE I WANT, they way I want things to be, the way I see them.  A life foremost for myself and also my children. Screw everything and everyone else.

I've spent the last many years being quiet and going with the flow.  Fuck the flow.  I want passion, I want happy, I want joy and I want security.  I want to enjoy the things that matter most to me. I want simplicity and art and the beach and nature and good books and coffee and real true uninhibited unconditional love.  I want my zest for life to be reflected in my personality and the way I come across to other people.  I want to enjoy this one short life that I've been given.  I don't give myself near enough credit or build up my own self esteem near enough.  I get down on myself and think I am just a useless human being that has no value nor adds value to anyone else's life.

It's time to let go....
of fear
of anger
of worry
of anxiety
of the past
of sadness
of negativity
of frustration
of depression
of helplessness
of hopelessness
of the self doubt
of doubt in general
of being overly conscious
of the feeling of worthlessness
of worrying about what other people think of me

Will I ever get all the answers to the questions I have with regards to the past, yes, here's my answer - because fuck, shit fucking happened, it did, I can't do anything about the past or worry about the reason things happened.  People fuck up all the time.  Am I supposed to hold a grudge?  No, because all that is going to do is make me completely crazy and plant more doubt and hopelessness in my heart and mind and make me feel as though I wasn't enough.  Maybe I wasn't, but I will be enough for someone else someday.  Right now, I don't even care.  

It is all this negative stuff the weighs me down and makes me feel bad about ME.  This is the weight I need to lose, to shed this shit and to become lighter in my heart and my mind  So I am choosing to free my mind.  

If it doesn't feed my soul, it has to go away.
My past was a learning experience for my future so bring on the future!  Let's do this shit!!!

Freebird Part 1

I don’t want and can’t allow the highs to be high and the lows to be so low in my life.  I can’t allow these fluctuations in my emotions.  I feel like I am on a crazy ass roller-coaster ride and my seat belt just isn’t doing the job of holding me in my seat.  I am suffering from emotional whiplash.  My emotional neck is wrecked from getting whipped one way and then another.  Extreme to extreme.  I get so excited to talk to him and laugh with him and be silly with him.  That happiness is always being overshadowed by the things he says and it quickly jerks me back to reality, like being awakened from the most wonderful dream.  Startling me and disappointing me all at the same time.  It totally sucks.  I want his sweet words to ring true in my heart, in his actions and in how he treats me.  It doesn’t   One cannot live a life of defense and be happy at the same time.  Defense equals guarded equals shutdown equals unhealthy equals destruction.  I cannot live like that.  Chaos causes confusion.  Hell, it’s even deceitful, it’s making a person believe you are one way when in fact you’re not that person at all.  He is not the same person I met 8 months ago.  Maybe he was this person, but was covering him up behind a sweet smile and glorious words dripping with honey.  Nabbed me and called his own.  Then bam, out comes the wolf in sheep’s clothing.  I am extremely frustrated with his jealousy.  Do I want to live my life feeling like I am always being kept tabs on?  Jealousy only shows a huge lack of distrust.  Either you trust me or you don’t.  You have no reason to not believe the words I say.  I am who I am, I say what I think, and I feel what I feel.  You want me to smile when you tell me that you love me?  You want my heart to skip a beat when I see your name pop up on my phone?  You want me to want you and you alone?   Then treat me like a woman, a lady, a friend, a lover, a partner in this life.

A bird has to be bird and fly free.  Free from accusations.  Free from strife.  Free from being questioned.  Free from feeling judged.  Free from my breaking point.  Free from being on the defense.  I just want to fly free.

Oh Lover of My ... Nevermind

love.  relationships.  your significant other.  the one you cherish.  you hurt them.  maybe not on purpose... or maybe it is.  cut them to the core with your words.  burned them down with your cutting eyes.  shut them up with your sharp tongue and careless whatever's.  goading them into thinking it's their fault in every disagreement.  you are wrong and they are right.  every time.  you lack a proper tone with which to communicate that doesn't come off brass and harsh.  that look of disdain rolls across your face and settles there and you wonder why your love doesn't smile anymore.  you've spent what seems to be most of the time judging their every move.  questioning what they do and their practices.  too tied up and immersed in their world that you loose sight of your own.  you adopt and adapt to their way of life.  losing yourself in the process.  your words on paper no longer mimic your actions in person.  your temper is quick your words condescending.  you feel challenged when your person does things you don't like. pushing them closer to the edge of the cliff with every negative word. every snarky comment.  every little thing matters and becomes magnified in the heat of the moment. maybe they're not what you expected.  maybe you're not who they thought you were either.

Oh lover of my Soul

Oh lover of my soul
Be gentle with my heart
Treat me with gentleness
And treat me smart
For I have been
Worn down and weary
And I long for this new start
Though I am a little scared
Of the rush
My desire to go slow
Is interrupted
By the thought of your touch
It's the happiness 
You bring 
That makes my heart wear a bigger smile
Over this entire thing
And I love this feeling of joy
My feelings run so deep
For you
My boy

So I ask you again
Oh lover of my soul
Please be gentle with my heart