Freebird Part 1

I don’t want and can’t allow the highs to be high and the lows to be so low in my life.  I can’t allow these fluctuations in my emotions.  I feel like I am on a crazy ass roller-coaster ride and my seat belt just isn’t doing the job of holding me in my seat.  I am suffering from emotional whiplash.  My emotional neck is wrecked from getting whipped one way and then another.  Extreme to extreme.  I get so excited to talk to him and laugh with him and be silly with him.  That happiness is always being overshadowed by the things he says and it quickly jerks me back to reality, like being awakened from the most wonderful dream.  Startling me and disappointing me all at the same time.  It totally sucks.  I want his sweet words to ring true in my heart, in his actions and in how he treats me.  It doesn’t   One cannot live a life of defense and be happy at the same time.  Defense equals guarded equals shutdown equals unhealthy equals destruction.  I cannot live like that.  Chaos causes confusion.  Hell, it’s even deceitful, it’s making a person believe you are one way when in fact you’re not that person at all.  He is not the same person I met 8 months ago.  Maybe he was this person, but was covering him up behind a sweet smile and glorious words dripping with honey.  Nabbed me and called his own.  Then bam, out comes the wolf in sheep’s clothing.  I am extremely frustrated with his jealousy.  Do I want to live my life feeling like I am always being kept tabs on?  Jealousy only shows a huge lack of distrust.  Either you trust me or you don’t.  You have no reason to not believe the words I say.  I am who I am, I say what I think, and I feel what I feel.  You want me to smile when you tell me that you love me?  You want my heart to skip a beat when I see your name pop up on my phone?  You want me to want you and you alone?   Then treat me like a woman, a lady, a friend, a lover, a partner in this life.

A bird has to be bird and fly free.  Free from accusations.  Free from strife.  Free from being questioned.  Free from feeling judged.  Free from my breaking point.  Free from being on the defense.  I just want to fly free.