Beauty of Tears

I find myself crying at random and most inappropriate moments these days.  I still miss my mom a lot.  I still think of her as if she is there in the country, chilling on the porch or planting flowers, but I know she isn't there.  I want to call her, but I know she won't answer.  I'd like to think of her looking down on me, but I know she isn't doing that either.  
We've been bombarded so much the last few months that it really puts me in a hard place emotionally to even care to begin the healing process.  Everything is so raw and fresh still.  At this moment, I still don't want to move from where I am, I don't want to begin the journey down the road to peace with everything.  I guess, in my mind I feel that if I start moving forward and trying to let her go, that I am "forgetting" about her and just getting on with my life; I feel as though I am betraying her memory - if that makes any sense whatsoever.
Tears of joy and pain stream down my cheeks, taking my mascara with it, leaving streaks running to the point where the tears drips off of my cheek and stain my pillow.  Crying is so good for the soul, good for the mood, and good for healing.  Elation and sadness finds it way out through my falling tears, it's so cleansing for my emotions.  I get to points where there is nothing I can do but cry, I get started and can't stop.  It actually helps me to cry, it's like her memory stays fresh on my heart and new and wonderful memories come to mind and give me something else to smile about.... or bawl about!
After cleaning up my backyard yesterday, I hung up her wind chimes and I sat outside enjoying my surroundings.  The weather was nice and little cool and breezy and my moms wind chimes were the only ones making music, I liked to think of her being near me at that moment, stopping by to say "hi" and "I'm with you".  And the tears of beautiful memories began to fall........  adding an element of healing to my broken heart.

Wonder how many more tears will fall before I take that first step in allowing my heart to begin healing.....