Welcome to my blog, it's my life, these are my thoughts. Sometimes they're cheerful and happy, sometimes they're a big pile of bantha fodder.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

I choose me

Have you ever had your soul wrecked by someone or some someone's?  It sucks to have been the victim of someone taking your soul and then smash, trash and beat it to a pulp.  It's like having every individual fiber of your being slowly plucked out one by one by one, until there's nothing left.  You no longer recognize yourself, you've become a different person, you don't even know who you are anymore.  A person who feels worthless, less than human, devalued.  You've spent so much time being attacked and ripped apart by other abusers... their job is done, finished, completed.  Mission accomplished.  Now they've elevated themselves to a place where they feel powerful and in control of you, your emotions, your thoughts, your actions and your self-worth.  Since their job is done, they're done with you.  The abuse still continues, this time you are the abuser.  The wrecker of your soul, the one who maintains what they've started.  Trash talking yourself and believing every damn word because you've heard it so many times before.  And, you totally suck as a human, right?  Your life means nothing.  You'll never amount to anything.  You're evil.  You have a big ass...you've always had a big ass, but you used to be thinner you've been told over and over and over again and now tell yourself.  Each degrading word is now etched and ingrained into the leftover fiber of your being.  Every negative word or thought ends up plucking a fiber of your being from you.  What happens to all those tiny pieces of you once they're all pulled out?  You become a pitiful, useless pile of existence.  You don't matter.  Manipulation and mental abuse have ruled you, all your life.  You are no longer you.  You're no longer recognizable to yourself or to those around you.  

I wish people would realize the damage that they cause other people.  I wish people, family included, truly cared about other people.  If people were kind and treated each other with love, there would be a mess fewer f'd up people walking around loathing themselves.  It boils down to others having power, control, manipulating others and being a puppet master who controls the weak and devalued.  The sad part of this is that those controlling people are the ones who are weak minded and insecure, yet they've unloaded all their garbage onto you and made you feel lower about yourself than they ever did about themselves.  Transference.  Boom, now you are the one who is trampled under foot.  Pond scum.

I've had very influential people in my life, people I truly love/loved who have crushed me, cursed me and broke me down to noting.  It sucks.  There's nothing like walking through life feeling like shit and thinking you'll never recover from it and during those times, you really don't care if you do.  You're not in a place where you're thinking recovery, you're thinking suicide, because you're so damn worthless and you don't matter.  You don't even like you anymore.

Once in a while, every once in a while, a rescuer comes in an unexpected, unwelcome person, at the worst time of your life and loves you and all your broken pieces.  They scoop up every piece of you and embrace you, pulverized soul and all.

They care for you, they don't judge you.  They'll listen to the spoken language of your busted up heart.  Like a sculptor, they slowly chisel away the hurt, the abuse, uselessness, the anger, the worthlessness, the hatred, the resentment and bitterness.   They don't mock you, they don't make you feel bad about who you, they don't necessarily relate to all you've been through, but they listen out a place of love for your soul.  They ever so delicately, and consistently begin painting a picture of you in a new light, you start to see yourself they way they see you.  This is a slow (very slow!!!) and gradual process.  You start to see that you were the victim of the emotional pain and manipulation that others felt.  You realize that you are human being capable of being loved, that you're cared for, that your soul can finally begin healing and that someone else on this crazy planet cherishes and treasures you...because he thinks the sun shines out of MY ass!  Mine! 

Lingering thoughts and feelings remain, and I'm dealing with those, not always in the most constructive ways, but I'm dealing, realizing and moving forward with this life.  Not everyone gets this opportunity to begin healing, but I sure wish they did!   We'd all be a lot less destructive to ourselves if we had someone to jump down into the pit of despair with us and love us all the way to the top.  

To all the contributors of my despair and self-loathing ... YOU LOSE.  Consider yourself evicted from my thoughts, they are now all my own and whomever I let contribute to them in love.  



I CHOOSE ME.

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