I survived the holidays

It wasn't easy, but I survived the holidays so far.  My emotions have run very high for the last year, but some days are better than others, and others days I feel like I am going to melt into a pit of tears and snot.

Thanksgiving was a rough one.  I made a few food dishes to take to my sisters house.  It's awfully strange making my mom's 'dishes' to take somewhere else.  This was my first year without her for Thanksgiving.  The day was pretty somber for me, on the inside.  I try to keep myself together, especially around other people, I don't want them seeing that vulnerable side of me, the hurt, the deep ache.  Never let them see you hurt.  Some people talk to me so nonchalantly about it, as if my emotions have chilled out with regards to losing her ....they make me want to deck 'em in the face.  "You know, when you're mom died....."  wahhhh!  "Yea!  I do know, thank you very much for freakin bringing it up!"  Anyway. 

As much comfort as I find in having her things surrounding me all the time, I also find a lot of emotional torment.  I want it packed away, I want to keep it out, I want it packed up, I want to leave it out - so I leave it out.  only trouble is, it's constantly reminds me that she's no longer here and of how much I miss her.

Posting my thoughts on my mom's FB wall helps me cope with the emotions I've been dealing with, I know, it probably sounds really dumb because I know she'll never see it, but that's what gets me through.

12-9-13:

Hard to believe it's already been a year. 365 days seems so long. Through tears, I remember the night so clearly. I've tried so hard to put it out of my head, to get rid of the visual images I repeatedly see in my mind. Part of my soul died this day, 1 year ago. I hear that the passing of time makes it easier to cope with losing a mom, I think that's the biggest load of crap, ever - for me ...it is anyway. My heart tends to break on a daily basis, every time I think of how much I miss you. Some wounds are not visible on the outside, it doesn't always show on my face, but the ache is always there. It's the strangest feeling I've ever had. In all my years, I never thought about life without you in it. I never thought I wouldn't see your sweet face again. I can only imagine how glorious you are in your new heavenly body and being in the presence of the Lord! No matter how much I miss you, I'd never want you to come back here and go through this life all over again. I know you are healed, you are free, and you are happy! The best part is, that I get to see you again one day when I get to heaven. 

I long for that day.

I love you and miss you everyday momma ♡♥♡♥♡♥

Life truly does go on, even if it hurts most days.

12-24-13:

Here we go momma... This time last year, we were all walking around in a fog, so shocked by the loss, and feeling so lost. This year is different, so different. It's like the real first year without you here for Christmas. I found your old ornaments a couple days ago - and the tears began all over again. As much as I want to enjoy the holiday with my little family, there's a huge void in my he...art without you here and so many times I let the grief consume me and I lash out at those I love. I won't share it with many or even let them see my grief, but my God, I am profusely crying on the inside - ALL the time. It's an ache that I've never experienced, I don't understand and I'm not sure how to handle, I am doing the best I can. 

It's like I am 12 again, living in Colorado with my dad, hundreds of miles away. I was in a pit of misery wrapped up in the worst case of homesickness I've ever had. Then and now, I have absolutely no way of getting to you, no matter how hard I try, I can't get to you, but at least back then, I could call, but now, I can't even do that.  I wish for the grief to begin to ease up, but it's still just as fresh as it was December 9, 2012. God knows I hate that day, with a passion. That was the day my world changed, forever...

Today is especially hard. It's Christmas Eve. Dressing would be in the works, turkey injected, pecan pies and lemon pies and whatever new recipes you found or created would be in the works or already done and ready for Sam and I to fight over. By the way - it's MY lemon pie! (I'm making him one today? When I make mine).  I miss cooking with you. I miss being with you and miss watching all our favorite movies together, I miss crocheting with you - I've crocheted the whole month of December so far, I can't stop! I miss your coy smile that tells me you're up to no good. I miss YOU too much.

I love you so much momma.

12-26-13:

I made a pot of chicken 'n dumplins 'mom style' last night in your memory. They were good, I wish you'd have been here to enjoy them with me. That was the last dish I made for you last Thanksgiving. Miss you mommie.

The reason I copied these here on my blog is because this was my true emotion in raw and fresh form, seriousness through tears with a splash of sarcasm and whimsy, just the way she'd like it. 

Untitled

Church.  Normally the first thought at the word 'church' is a place of peace and sanctuary, a place to meet with God.  But if you are not a church goer and don't get why we church folks are even in church, your first thoughts are probably that  'church isn't for me', 'nothing but crazy radical people in there', 'I don't want to get mixed up with holy rollers'... Etc, and the reasons go on and on.  The bottom line is this, each of our reasons vary in why we go to church, hopefully there's a commonality amongst those of Christian faith - that being, Christ, as the basis of our faith.  Our love for Jesus should compel us to want to attend church and want to serve in his name and for his glory.
My home church is going through a lull, attendance is low, people are leaving our church to find bigger and better things at other locations.  Everyone is having trouble figuring out what the problem is.  Truth is, we are the problem, I am the problem.  Those who are doing a lot of work are upset that they are the only ones doing the work, complaining that no one else is helping.  I seriously don't think Jesus complained about who was helping him in his earthly ministry, so why should we complain.  He didn't complain about it, he just did it.  He carried out the plans that God set before him and it didn't matter who went along.

Good grief, this is nuts!

As the dreaded day of Thanksgiving approaches, I feel a heaviness in my chest, the grief deepens and the lump in my throat is slowly rising, the pit in my stomach sinks lower and lower. My eyes well up and my breathe becomes labored, then the salty tears tumble hurriedly down my cheeks, each one carrying a little heartbreak and sorrow, happiness and memories.

I stood in the baking aisle at the grocery store a few days ago and started to tear up looking at damn pecans!!!  For crying out loud they're just stinking pecans. It hit me that I have your bowl that you used to make your pecan pie in and your green glass pecan pie plates and I am about to make that same pecan pie recipe for my family and start new traditions and new memories, and I feel that with every new memory I make, I may be pushing out old ones. I am not ready for this. I am not sure where I even fit in yet. I'd rather curl up in bed, wrap your jacket around me and cry. This is soooo not easy. Sorrow is easily hidden under makeup and a smile. Some wounds are not visible to the naked eye. My soul is still suffering the brunt of grief and loss.  

I hate this week. I am looking for thankful parts...

I miss you dearly

Nagging List Of Issues

i wish i didn't feel alone

i wish i wasn't hurt so easily

i wish parenting wasn't so hard

i wish my 'friends' were really friends

i wish grief wasn't so dang consuming

i wish that the holidays weren't upon us

i wish i had planned better for my future

i wish my dreams really would come true

i wish i didn't suffer from moments of self pity

i wish i didn't constantly feel like a total failure

i wish i didn't let little things bother me so much

i wish i didn't know how to put up walls of defense

i wish i loved myself the way my husband loves me

i wish i didn't just want to pack up and move away

i wish my children would obey and do as they are told

i wish i didn't just shut down when i am feeling bummed

i get tired of reaching out and never being reached out to

i wish my boys would stop breaking my heart with their words

i wish my heart didn't feel like it was being ripped out every day 

i wish i didn't feel like retreating into myself and just disappearing

i wish that i had a tardis and could go back a couple years to right some wrongs

mostly, i wish i didn't have a nagging list of ISSUES

All of the above random thoughts are a build up the things that have been culminating in my life over the last few months.  For me, the only way to get through the hard stuff is by blogging or journaling or writing it out. Writing helps me to unload the thoughts swirling around in my mind.  I know that pretty much everything on that list sounds to be insanely negative.  I don't want negativity in my life...I've had my share of that garbage. It's unfortunate that sometimes I still feel the ugly twinges of negativity accompanied by raw emotion.  I am still dealing with grief and grief is a witch in a red suit trying to tear my heart out - almost daily.  I more than likely won't let you see it on my face, but she's always hiding right there in plain sight, buried in my mini-expressions and thoughts.

On a positive note - It's great to get that out of my mind AND I have a really cute snuggly pup! 

Barefooted in the Choir Loft

I typically enjoy singing praises to God in my bare feet, usually from the back row in which I sit.   So many times I have read the scripture passage about Moses being in God's presence as God was in the burning bush.  God proceeds to tell Moses not to come any closer AND to remove his sandals because he is on holy ground - he was also in the 'presence' of the Lord Almighty.  I can't even begin to imagine what that would have been like, to BE Moses and have an encounter with the Creator of the universe in that same way - today, in 2013, that would move me to tears!  (Exodus 3:5)

For many years I have longed to join my home church choir, but things never worked out for me to be able to do that since I had 2 young boys - they're finally to the age where they can sit and be content while I am in choir.  This summer I did it, I joined!  I am a true "back row baptist" - I have my certain spot where I sit every Sunday - don't judge!  God's dealing with me LOL  At any rate, I like my little area, I meet with God right there each week while in church.  BUT since I've joined choir - I meet with God a LOT differently.

There is no more wonderful or more powerful place to meet with God than right there in a choir loft with 30 other people!  The chair that I sit in is in the middle of the middle row - I am pretty much dead center.  Let me tell you something - there is nowhere neater to be on a Sunday morning, literally surrounded by praise and worship from my brothers and sisters.  It makes me feel like this - if this is how wonderful it is to be singing praises to God from right here in this room with my family, I can't even begin to imagine how much more awesome it's going to be when we all get to heaven and we are ALL worshiping God together' - it boggles my mind.  My little tiny spot in the middle of the middle of choir is a tiny comparison to what heaven is going to be like - it's my little heavenly place on earth.  Heaven to me is being surrounded by praise, all those voices lifted up in agreement with songs of hope to our Father.

All of this may sound really silly and simple, but to me - it means this:  The praises we are singing are filling in the gaps and empty spaces between us and heaven.  When others are praising God - it's contagious!!!  Try it and I bet you will see that I am right!   The choir offers a filling in of holes and crevasses that may exist between the congregation and God and due to it's contagious nature - you may not have come to church in a mood wishing to praise anything - but when you hear the music and words and your heart is touched - you will WANT to worship the LORD.  Because of the nature of worship, angels are near when we praise God, they are drawn to worshipers praising the Lord - next time, LOOK UP and KNOW they are there listening and praising God with you.  

I know my praises rise to God as pleasing aromatics, just like my prayers.  Knowing I am reaching God gets me in a worshipful mood because it helps me recall all the wonders of God and reminds me of His glory.  It gets me to a point where I feel like I am even more in His presence AND that is HOLY ground to me!!!

I love you Lord
And I lift my voice
To worship You
Oh, my soul, rejoice!

Take joy my King
In what you hear
Let it be a sweet sweet sound
In Your ear

May all of our praises be a sweet sweet sound in YOUR ear.

Valley of Holidays

the clock incessantly ticks away the minutes
 until -
    the last Thanksgiving
 until -
    that last moment i spent with her alive
 until -
     i hugged and kissed her goodbye
 until -
     i saw her smile for the last time
 until -
     the moment i received the call
 until -
     the moment i rushed to the hospital
 until -
     the moment that i was too late to say goodbye
 until -
     10pm the night she slipped away
 until -
     the day i knew i'd never see her again in this life
 until -
     the 1 year anniversary of my last moments with her
 until -
     the 1 year mark of losing my mother and best friend

i cant begin to describe the immenant amount of suckage to ensue in the coming 4 weeks
i cant even start to tell you exactly how much i remember of these last moments
and how permanently etched they are in my mind and on my heart
i cant adequately explain in words the ache that is constantly nagging my heart
i am so plagued by memories and mementos and stuff that reminds me of her
i am thankful for memories
but i pray God with strengthen me as i walk through this valley of holidays

Sticky buns

Faith simply put is believing and not seeing.  Jesus is the son of God.  Not ever having seen Jesus physically walk this earth, I have faith in knowing that He did come down from heaven to save our souls and for that, I am extremely grateful.

As much faith as I have, I am simply wanting more.  I know that Jesus didn't intend for me to grace the church with my presence, adorn a pew, or just show up for a bible study and not study my bible, attend church to hear messages and sermons and remain unchanged.  He intended for me to have life and have it more abundantly, he intended for me to adhere to the words of the gospel and live it out loud in my daily life.  I am not doing that.  Not because I don't want to, but mostly because I feel no one else is motivated enough to walk the talk that Jesus spoke of.  I know that others should have absolutely no influence on me and my Christian walk, sometimes it's hard to continue on when no one wants to go with you, but Jesus went on alone.  I don't want to be just a disciple of Christ, I want to be a Christ follower, to walk in his footsteps, to love those he loves, to care for those he cares for - outside my church building, out in my community.  We can't expect to just sit in church or Sunday school or a bible study and fatten ourselves up and never use it.  We are to be filled, so we can pour out!

In all honesty, I don't want to have my complacent sticky buns glued to a pew, unwilling to be removed from my comfort zone, blurbing out worthless worship to a God who expects way more from me.   What's the point in teaching your children if they're NEVER going to learn anything..I'm sure God is just up their shaking his head at me.   I mean seriously how many more studies, sermons, lessons, teachings do we need to hear, read, or be taught until we get the stinking picture.

Are you shining your light for all the world to see?  YOU are the light of the world... Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.  Matthew 5:14-16 NKJV

Are you serving God's people, the meek and lowly?  Serve one another in love. Galatians 5:13 NIV

Are serving outside of yourself?  If you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness.  Isaiah 58:10 NIV

Are you giving willingly with a cheerful heart?  Whatever you give us acceptable if you give it eagerly.  And give according to what you have, not what you don't have.  2 Corinthians 8:12 NLT

From what we get, we can make a living; from what we GIVE, however, makes a life. - Arthur Ashe

Don't be a storage facility, just storing up God's blessings, Be a distribution center and share them!

I have a small testimony here, to God alone be the glory!!  In my own flesh I didn't want to do it.  I didn't want to help, but God planted something in me months ago and I followed through with the path he set before me.  I am so happy to report that during that time God softened my heart to some of His own that others would see as unloveable or a nuisance.  I enjoyed that journey and learned something about people and about myself.  Simply allowing myself to be used by God has changed my thinking, my direction, my idea of helping others when they need it.  Don't get me wrong, I honestly love church and my people, and worship and sermons and fellowship, but I no longer want to just sit in a church.   We are called to more than that.  We are to go, and do, and love, and share the gospel.


......I'd rather be out, BEING the hands and feet of Jesus.