All along her name was Grief

About a week ago as I was writing another post, this really deep truth hit me. It's simply the fact that I am grieving.  This feeling just hit me like fresh bag of aromatic coffee beans right smack between my eyes. 

Anger is so easy to blame and she helps me to build walls quickly, stay on guard, remain in defense mode and not let myself be open to anyone.  Keep everyone at a distance because it's much safer that way and no one gets hurt.  I've felt for a while now that all these emotions and feelings I've been having are possibly something else because I'm not really angry, just... I don't know.  

Grief makes so much more sense to me now as I try to find answers to all my questions as to why I feel the way I do.  Grieving from going through a divorce 9 months ago... that turned into grieving the loss of someone I loved. Grieving someone who had been in my life for 17 years. Grieving for a past that is gone. Grieving for the loss of myself and all the change that resulted from it. Grieving because I have kinda become unrecognizable to myself.  I am trying to find me and I feel completely lost sometimes.  It's easy to pin all this shit on anger - anger takes the blame a lot. For me it's not anger at all.  It's loss and change and trying to figure out how the hell to move forward with this one life I've been given.  

Divorce doesn't just affect you, it affects everything and every aspect of your life becomes something new and different.  a life unrecognizable.   All the thoughts and feelings that run marathons through my head everyday are totally exhausting, mentally, emotionally and apparently physically as well, as I am finding myself being kinda tired and feeling rundown and fatigued a lot lately.  I know this is all part of the crazy grieving process but I want so badly to begin to heal, to allow myself to move on, to allow myself to let someone in, to be close to someone I love and allow myself to be loved fully.  I am not closed off to the prospect of being in a loving relationship or even marriage one day.  I want all that.  I just hope that I don't become so used to doing my own thing that I never allow anyone back in.  Grief is a lonely place to be and I am starting to like the comfort of being alone.  Complication free.

However, I long to see the sun poke his shining face from behind the clouds and show me a little glimmer of hope saying that everything is going to be alright. I know that day is coming. 


#grief #postdivorce #divorce #loss #anger #healing #hope #mytruth #truth

Letting Go & Finding Myself

I am choosing MY life, moment by moment.

It is my turn to decide what makes me happy and follow my heart.  I am currently free.  Free from a man or significant other, free to choose, free to be alone if I want.  Fuck everyone else and what they think and what they think I should do.  It's my time to create THE LIFE I WANT, they way I want things to be, the way I see them.  A life foremost for myself and also my children. Screw everything and everyone else.

I've spent the last many years being quiet and going with the flow.  Fuck the flow.  I want passion, I want happy, I want joy and I want security.  I want to enjoy the things that matter most to me. I want simplicity and art and the beach and nature and good books and coffee and real true uninhibited unconditional love.  I want my zest for life to be reflected in my personality and the way I come across to other people.  I want to enjoy this one short life that I've been given.  I don't give myself near enough credit or build up my own self esteem near enough.  I get down on myself and think I am just a useless human being that has no value nor adds value to anyone else's life.

It's time to let go....
of fear
of anger
of worry
of anxiety
of the past
of sadness
of negativity
of frustration
of depression
of helplessness
of hopelessness
of the self doubt
of doubt in general
of being overly conscious
of the feeling of worthlessness
of worrying about what other people think of me

Will I ever get all the answers to the questions I have with regards to the past, yes, here's my answer - because fuck, shit fucking happened, it did, I can't do anything about the past or worry about the reason things happened.  People fuck up all the time.  Am I supposed to hold a grudge?  No, because all that is going to do is make me completely crazy and plant more doubt and hopelessness in my heart and mind and make me feel as though I wasn't enough.  Maybe I wasn't, but I will be enough for someone else someday.  Right now, I don't even care.  

It is all this negative stuff the weighs me down and makes me feel bad about ME.  This is the weight I need to lose, to shed this shit and to become lighter in my heart and my mind  So I am choosing to free my mind.  

If it doesn't feed my soul, it has to go away.
My past was a learning experience for my future so bring on the future!  Let's do this shit!!!

Freebird Part 1

I don’t want and can’t allow the highs to be high and the lows to be so low in my life.  I can’t allow these fluctuations in my emotions.  I feel like I am on a crazy ass roller-coaster ride and my seat belt just isn’t doing the job of holding me in my seat.  I am suffering from emotional whiplash.  My emotional neck is wrecked from getting whipped one way and then another.  Extreme to extreme.  I get so excited to talk to him and laugh with him and be silly with him.  That happiness is always being overshadowed by the things he says and it quickly jerks me back to reality, like being awakened from the most wonderful dream.  Startling me and disappointing me all at the same time.  It totally sucks.  I want his sweet words to ring true in my heart, in his actions and in how he treats me.  It doesn’t   One cannot live a life of defense and be happy at the same time.  Defense equals guarded equals shutdown equals unhealthy equals destruction.  I cannot live like that.  Chaos causes confusion.  Hell, it’s even deceitful, it’s making a person believe you are one way when in fact you’re not that person at all.  He is not the same person I met 8 months ago.  Maybe he was this person, but was covering him up behind a sweet smile and glorious words dripping with honey.  Nabbed me and called his own.  Then bam, out comes the wolf in sheep’s clothing.  I am extremely frustrated with his jealousy.  Do I want to live my life feeling like I am always being kept tabs on?  Jealousy only shows a huge lack of distrust.  Either you trust me or you don’t.  You have no reason to not believe the words I say.  I am who I am, I say what I think, and I feel what I feel.  You want me to smile when you tell me that you love me?  You want my heart to skip a beat when I see your name pop up on my phone?  You want me to want you and you alone?   Then treat me like a woman, a lady, a friend, a lover, a partner in this life.

A bird has to be bird and fly free.  Free from accusations.  Free from strife.  Free from being questioned.  Free from feeling judged.  Free from my breaking point.  Free from being on the defense.  I just want to fly free.

Oh Lover of My ... Nevermind

love.  relationships.  your significant other.  the one you cherish.  you hurt them.  maybe not on purpose... or maybe it is.  cut them to the core with your words.  burned them down with your cutting eyes.  shut them up with your sharp tongue and careless whatever's.  goading them into thinking it's their fault in every disagreement.  you are wrong and they are right.  every time.  you lack a proper tone with which to communicate that doesn't come off brass and harsh.  that look of disdain rolls across your face and settles there and you wonder why your love doesn't smile anymore.  you've spent what seems to be most of the time judging their every move.  questioning what they do and their practices.  too tied up and immersed in their world that you loose sight of your own.  you adopt and adapt to their way of life.  losing yourself in the process.  your words on paper no longer mimic your actions in person.  your temper is quick your words condescending.  you feel challenged when your person does things you don't like. pushing them closer to the edge of the cliff with every negative word. every snarky comment.  every little thing matters and becomes magnified in the heat of the moment. maybe they're not what you expected.  maybe you're not who they thought you were either.

Oh lover of my Soul

Oh lover of my soul
Be gentle with my heart
Treat me with gentleness
And treat me smart
For I have been
Worn down and weary
And I long for this new start
Though I am a little scared
Of the rush
My desire to go slow
Is interrupted
By the thought of your touch
It's the happiness 
You bring 
That makes my heart wear a bigger smile
Over this entire thing
And I love this feeling of joy
My feelings run so deep
For you
My boy

So I ask you again
Oh lover of my soul
Please be gentle with my heart

Untitled

Frozen.  You sit.  The chill begins to reach the bones.  A brisk cold overtakes your core.  Ice forms on the mantle of your once warm beating heart, leaving you lifeless and hard.  The cold shards begin to chip away at your already beaten soul.  You let it.  After all, what's the use.  You've never had a happy ending anyway.  You've come to expect disappoint and hurt. You've allowed those negative things to take root in you so many times before, you have pulled yourself out of the rut and here you are once again.  Why should this time be any different from the last.  You keep your cold hard guard up and don't let anyone in.  The place you've cut off, trying to learn how to not feel so much, so you won't get burned.   Walls are easier to build than having to deal with the hurt.  Why in the world would you ever allow yourself to be vulnerable... again.

Then, along came this guy.

Someone unexpected. Someone you weren't even looking for.  He breezed his way into my life without warning, without notice.  He wasn't invited.  He came along and he slowly began the process of thawing you out and warming you up.  So much so that you could feel yourself breaking free from the chill, the cold, the ice that you've let enrapture your heart time and time again.  You slowly begin realizing that the ice is melting and the warmth of your heart was free again.  There he was, meticulously reviving all that was cold, dark, lost and lonely.  Leaving you free to believe again.  You start to believe that life doesn't have to be this way or that way,  that it can just be downright amazing.  That love is real and tangible and there are still beautiful men out there with the most amazing hearts!   I get to call one of them mine.

Dedicated to my selfless rescuer, my WonderBoo

Wading Through The Deep

           Learning too much about stress, waiting, confusion, loneliness, frustration, aggravation and lots about love.  Life is so full of surprises, good and bad. 

          

          Things are not always what they appear to be on the outside.  The external is covered with a smile that hides the hell that's going on inside.  I think we are all basically wrecked inside, some of us just have better ways of hiding it, and maybe even more creative ways of dealing with our wrecked selves.  

          I don't handle things as well as I wish I did.  I know I am stronger than I allow myself to be.  Some days I just feel so weak, so worn and so weary that I can't see passed my owns problems and stresses of life.  Stress leads to frustration and aggravation with everything and everyone around me.  Stress elevates and heightens all my other problems, making them seem even worse than they really are.  The kicker is that I know what my root cause of stress is, there's just nothing I can do about it right now.  So I continue muddling through each day with the hopes that tomorrow will be better than today.  I hold out for the hope of each coming day.

          Love, wow.  Love is so great. Being in love is mind blowing.  I can't say enough about it.  There are so many emotions tangled up with the simply complex word, love.  Caring about someone else's welfare on every damn level possible.  Worrying about them, sometimes even above worrying about yourself.  Putting them first, in every thought and feeling, being so concerned with their being in every way.  I love really hard and really deeply.  I can't help it, that's how I was created, to BE a LOVER. It's daunting, painful and scary and I wouldn't trade a moment of it for the one my soul loves.  I would do it all over again without question!  My answer is yes, every. fucking. time.  YES.

          There's been an awakening, have you felt it?  My faith has taken a huge hit and a great turn in the right direction.   For the last couple of years I've questioned everything I believe against everything I have seen, felt and experienced from my past and those things don't line up with what I've believed in the more recent past.  It's hard to separate those things.  It doesn't have to be either this or that, learning to see with a different eye what's going on around me.  Picking apart my faith, piece by piece and trying to figure out where all these pieces fit to create a clearer picture for me.  I have found out (again) that meditation and breathing really helps me work through things.  I am rediscovering things that I used to do and finding what I need in other avenues of spiritual awareness.  There just has to be some foundational truths to each religion, some sort of takeaway that speaks to my soul, truths that are willing to guide me.  I'm discovering things via a more mystical approach to spirituality.  Seeking a more intimate and deeper awareness of God and of myself.  Seeing myself more as a mystic I suppose.  I have been learning tons and still have loads more to learn, but I am thoroughly enjoying the process of being remolded and challenged in my ways of thinking.  Causing me to open my eyes and see the mysterious things of God more clearly and it's so exciting!   I've never been a closed minded person when it comes to spirituality anyway.  I've tossed the glorified baptist Christian label out the damn window.  Over it.  Moving on and moving up to the next level.

             

So since this is my blog and writing helps me wade through the shittiness of life, I guess I should leave myself some tidbits of hope for all the hard days to come, since I revisit my own blog pretty regularly:

*Hold out for your love, it's definitely going to be worth it!

*See the value in yourself, the ways others do

*One month from now things will be different

*A year from now life will be different 

*The future is brighter than the present

*Creativity is your superpower, use it 

*You are stronger than you know

*Be kind to and love yourself

*Find the joy in the waiting

*Learn to let SHIT go

*This too shall pass

*Joy is coming