Divorce

I have made a decision.  A decision to not belong to this world or this life.  I am divorcing the old me, my old ways and my old negative serious cancerous self.  I am divorcing normal and boring and dull.   I shall not be bound or held hostage by my own mind.  I shall not entertain negative thoughts or harbor ill feelings towards others.  We are all running this race and we all handle it differently.  I am choosing to learn how to handle it better.

So many times I have felt like the problem is always "me", for some reason it's always my fault, whatever it is always points seems back at me.  Maybe I am just too hard on myself.  What if I am not the problem at all.  What if maybe the way I "handle" things is the root of my issues, the way I react to them.  I've always had this overwhelming feeling in my heart that I am the cause of great pain and misunderstanding and confusion, ever since my childhood, that's how it seemed anyway.  I am so tired of letting my past dictate my present and future on this earth.  I know I was created for something more than this!

My choice is to belong to a more magical life, a life beyond comprehension.  A life of more love, more freedom and much more simplicity.  A life where I take things in stride, where I respond positively rather than react negatively.  A life where I live on more of whim ready to respond to the call of love that God has placed in my heart.

I have learned that I am free to be the real ME.  Not the me that was fashioned around my upbringing or the me who a victim of life's circumstances.  Change takes time and I shall enjoy this time of change.  I shall literally become a new creation in Christ, the old me shall be gone.

I am free to be ME, the ME that God created me to be.  

Mothers Day Ahhhh!

As much as I started out loathing this darn day, it's actually been a nice day.  I have a husband who selflessly tries to put in smile on my heart.  He just wants me to be happy and know that I am appreciated.  The boys... I don't know.  Anyway, a few nice/fun gifts (Sharpies, Flash Gordon tee and an OrGreenic non-stick pan), cards and puppy prints in one of them from my very own pooch.  Church was emotional but very good.  Family treated me to lunch at Ichibon Hibachi in Kemah - which we all love.  Home to relax and chill out. 

I decided NOT to hate Mothers Day, but to embrace it and celebrate the woman I call "my mom."

For my mom:

My words won't reach your ears, they won't traverse the distance to heaven for you to hear them.  There's no point in wishing you a happy Mother's Day.... Instead of celebrating "mothers day" - I celebrate your life.  You live on through me and Sam and through our kids.  I am honored to have had you for my mom for 14,184 days!  You made me a strong-headed, strong-minded person with the ability to stand up for myself! 

I love you and thank God for our time together, but still I miss you all the time.

It's been a better day than I expected, because God is good and he brings peace and grace to those who are broken hearted and crushed in spirit.

Mothers Day BLAHHHH!

I hate this day.  I hate the way I feel.
I have merely decorated a freshly slung, wet piece of pottery with make up and a smile, I know that at some point during this dreary dang day that the glaze of eyeshadow and mascara will find it's way running down my face.  I am a cracked pot full of tears looking for an escape route from the pain and pressure that I feel inside.

Yes, I know I am selfish, but it's so unfair!

Worship to Wrath

It was a glorious Sunday night this past Sunday.  Church went very very well.  I enjoyed the day so much even though "busy" was on the menu for the day.
That evening we went back to church for a concert by the California Baptist University Choir.  These folks were amazing!!!  A bunch of well presented and kind people.  The very very first song they did was Holy, Holy, Holy..... It was lovely!!!  Like angels singing praises to The Lord above!
My evening of enjoyment and praise came to a screeching halt 3 Holies into this glorious song.  I have a son who likes to sing along with the praise/worship music on a typical Sunday.  To my dismay I heard a nasty Shhhhhhhh! and then caught the eyes being rolled at my child!!!  Let me just say she was shot a look from me that not many have ever seen.  She is way old enough to know better than to do that, especially to a child who is sitting right next to his mother (ME!).  I was hot.  Not I wasn't hot, I was livid!  In the middle of the beautiful voices that surrounded me, I sat, fuming.  I wanted nothing more than to punch her darn lights out and let her know she had no place.
This wasn't a situation that I "read too much into", it was taken exactly the way I took it.  Here's why I know, because last night at church, she barely glanced at me and quickly turned away, she would not make eye contact with me.  And she has a habit of sitting with a look of disdain on her face every time my son is near her..... Because I notice it. Every.time.  It's so sad that we as Christians kill our own wounded brothers and sisters.  Where is the love and acceptance?  Church is the last place I expect to treated with ignorance and hatred.  
I am so sick of folks NOT being nice to each other.  Even last night, I caught another young man being mean to my other child, not by hearing it 2nd hand, but by hearing it myself.  Something is amiss when we don't teach our children to love others and to NOT be mean.  Disciple and love begins at home.  So, God help me instill Christlike qualities in my children as well as in myself.

A Morning Such As This

This morning I was awakened by the sound of thunder rumbling aimlessly through the clouds and flashes of lightning bursting through the darkness.  The feelings have been building for a few weeks.  I don't always let these things out when I feel the urge to do so, I just go on and try to cover it up with a smile and pretend like I am not hiding a lot of pain behind these red strands and dark makeup.  I've had a certain heaviness and sadness in my heart for some time, a longing if you will, a homesickness.  A longing for things that will never 'be' again.

On a morning such as this, I miss my mom.  A lot.

I'm still in the grieving stages and this morning was all about her.  On my left hand was her silver ring band, the sound of the rain beating down outside was something she loved dearly, and to watch the lightning streak across the sky in every direction, then as I got ready to leave the house I could not find my jacket, I could only find hers.  I stood there fighting the tears that wouldn't cease and they only seemed to intensify the more I thought of her being gone.  I stood in the backdoor and let the sound of rain envelope me and the cold breeze nip at my face and chill the tears trailing down my cheeks.  I closed my eyes and imagined what she would be doing on a morning such as this.

On a morning such as this, I know exactly what she'd be doing and wearing and drinking and smoking and with teeth chattering, talking about how much she loves lightning and how it is too darn cold out here on a morning such as this!

On a morning such as this, it sucks to be mourning like this.

It's not a Good Friday, it's a GREAT Friday!

In honor of Good Friday.

I believe what I believe and that's not up for discussion.

I used to be a lost sinner who didn't believe in nothing.

Then at an Easter drama back in 2002 I saw things that moved me.  

A depiction of the death of Jesus that brought tears to my eyes.

This made me question things and began a stirring in my heart.

I was a "good" person, but being "good" does not get you into a right relationship with God or get you to heaven - Jesus does! 

I am the same old me, but with a different set of convictions and trying to live by the Word of God and trust me, I fail every.single.day. (This is where grace comes in!!)   Once you belong to Him, who is HOLY, He's the one who changes your heart.  It's hard most days.   The evil one out there in the world wants to drag you away and get you caught up in ungodly things, making you feel even more guilty.  Being a Christian isn't easy and it isn't promised that all your troubles will disappear, it just means you learn better ways of handling them and you have a hope and faith in God.

Wanna know about Jesus?  Ask me! 

It's been a while, but I'm still here

As a person who absolutely LOVES to write, I have not been writing much at all lately, not even in my journal!  Life has dealt it's fair share of glitches and I'm been feeling like a one legged cat on a frozen pond trying to bury a turd!  Everything has just seemed hopeless, but it's looking up finally.
Been dealing withI he loss of my mother, being in a financial bind and just feeling very bleak and low.  Trying to keep myself busy - which is currently working to keep my mind off of things..... I got a puppy!  After 11 years of not having a dog, I thought I just might be ready to be a pet parent again.  A friend of mine had a female italian greyhound who was expecting puppies with his male chihuahua, so I just couldn't help myself!   My puppy was born January 6, 2013 and we "met" him on February 20, then the next night we picked him up and brought him to his forever home, with us :) He's awesome!  He is very loved and he's a very welcome addition here.  He gets lots of love and attention.  Guess I was more ready than I thought I was.  So glad I got him!   He's been very healing to me, takes my mind off of things, gives me something else to focus on and take care of and nurture.  I just love him to pieces.

I have another blog in honor of my kids, it's www.mydirtynerdys.blogspot.com.  Therefore, my pooch is referred to as my "therd nerd". (Misspelled on purpose)

I LOVE MY THERD NERD!!!