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The pain is too great
my strength is at its weakest
this battle I fight
won this round

My eye sting with tears
feeling the burn
seeing the red 
I can pull myself up

Walking away
with my head hung down
because I've been defeated
again


#twloha

Stop it NOW

Unless you've been in a certain situation or situations, you don't really know how you'll handle them or what you'll do when these very real situations arise.

So many people will tell you that You need to just move on and get over it, get past it, pick your head up, keep moving forward, rely on God, etc.   Most of these people mean well and all.  The part that they don't get, is just how hard that really is.  

We are molded by the things that have happened in our lives, those things shape our thoughts and help us form our ideas based on EXPERIENCES.  Not all experiences are positive.  Not all things done by one human being to a another human being are that easily forgiven... or forgotten.  No, I don't let these things control my thoughts, but there are triggers that set the fire burning all over again.  Then the thoughts and actions rush to my mind and I find myself experiencing things all over again, in my head.  It sparks a fire me in that burns with a passion to NEVER see or watch anyone experience this kind of thing without taking some kind of action on it.  It disgusts me.  

Thoughts are extremely hard to erase.  Thoughts are the one thing you can't escape from.   You can escape the person, but I tell you what, you can't outrun your head, heart or the thoughts racing through your head.

There are many things that have happened in my life, during my childhood that should never happen to a child, or anyone else for that matter.   There are many things that happened in my young adult life that were spawned from my past.  These are difficult things that are hard to move past, the hurts - physical and mental, the manipulation, the control, the fight for who gets to be in charge of my thoughts, who gets to be in control of my body.  Oh and the whole "I'm the victim here" crap from the one doing the abusing.  Seriously?   Yep, because you're totally the victim if I tell on your perverted ass.  It's just one more way they get you to be quiet and not tell on them for their sick twisted selves.  Things that happen in the dark WILL be brought to light.  Think about this, if it happens to you, it will happen to someone else. So, STOP IT, stop.it.NOW!!!  Save yourself AND save someone else!  There are not enough explicatives to describe how I feel about this and words don't do justice for the disgust I feel about this a subject matter.

Before you tell someone not to let their past define who they are, walk for a second in their shoes.  They will be walking in their shoes for the rest of their life.  Better yet, I hope you never have to have these experiences that will be indelibly imprinted on your heart until the day you pass from this earth.  We're all walking, what is sometimes an incredibly difficult path.  

I am a Christian.  I believe in God, in his Holy Spirit and JESUS Christ as my Savior!  I love the a Lord!  I know God is bigger than any situation that I find myself in.  I believe in his healing power and I believe in His forgiveness.

The word of God says that if you don't forgive others, God won't forgive you.   I struggle with this, like a lot.  I truly hope that God takes into account the things we've been through, otherwise I'll never be truly forgiven.  I'm pretty the scripture is black and white in this area.  There's more than likely no gray area whatsoever when it comes to Gods word.  

Do you realize how hard it is to extend forgiveness to the very people who have had a hand in harming you... in my eyes, in completely unforgivable ways?   This is just sick stuff and it nauseates me... every fresh time that it comes to mind.  So, moving on doesn't always come easy, even with God.  

Only In My Dreams

The only place I'll ever get to see her is in my dreams, in photos and in the things she's crafted.  I hate that I have now been subjected to only seeing her face in my thoughts or in my memories.  The feelings are still very vivid and the emotions are still very raw.  I remember when I dreamed of her several weeks ago, it had a huge impact on my day, emotionally I was just completely heartbroken.  It feels so lame to cope through posting things on her facebook wall or writing to a person who will never ever see.  I guess this is all part my very own healing process.  I miss my mom a lot!

Insult to injury

I remember the day I was told my oldest son was on the autism spectrum by the school diagnostician.  To be more specific, according to MY research and bringing it to his psychologists attention, it was figured out to be Aspergers, falling under the umbrella of autism and the severity of it wasn't bad, but it was autism.  It was heartbreaking.  What do I do now? ... After a lot of researching and getting to know my child and his disorder, I figured it out.

Take 2.  Looks like since I've been dealing with one who has autism, I guess I needed another child with some sort of developmental issues and a learning disability.  Now they want to "test" him to see if he needs special education intervention.  I had a couple of meetings with the school in the past few weeks.  I've explained that he is very creative and loves to makes things, I feel that he is very smart and intelligent and he is lacking in some areas, that I agree with.
I went to a follow up meeting on Thursday.  This whole meeting left a bad taste in my mouth.  The lady who was there doing most of the talking, she's not even a teacher/educator or on staff at my sons school, commenced to show me some numbers she had on a chart... 'your son is here on his verbal learning which is below average, but he is here on his nonverbal which is close to average, so this is why he looks smart at home' .... to which I raised my eyebrows at.  I was offended.  It was as if the rest of her comment would have been, the 'implied' rest of her comment, "and dumb at school".  I was livid inside.  A storm was surging. I let her know I was offended by her comment and why.  

I continued on to tell her and the principal and the teacher and the counselor in the room that I will not allow negative, life taking words to be spoken over my children.  My children belong to the Lord, and he has plans for both of them.  So I won't tolerate negative words to be said over them.  I don't want anything but affirming words and attaboys aimed at my kids.

I consented to him being tested when school starts back up.  They can't do anything else unless I give my approval.  I shall begin praying about this, working with him over the summer and we'll see what happens.  I am struggling with all this though. 

They are both smart.  I don't care what a chart of numbers says about my kids.  They're kids, they have short attention spans, they're goofy, they're mean at times, they don't like homework, hate to read, hate to brush their teeth, hate taking a bath, like frogs and like to color and draw.  They're children.  Let them be children.

#speakdifferent  #autism  #aspergers  #letthembechildren

With thunderous applause

Our morning began at 8:00, we quickly packed up and headed to the nearest beach.  We were greeted by seagulls and their songs and the waves rushing to the shoreline to meet us with their caps of sea foam.   It was beautiful morning on the beach.  The wind was extra gusty this early morning.  I turned my face towards the wind and allowed to it tousle my brushed hair into messy salty locks, just enjoying the breeze without a care in the world.  It just felt good to sit there and not have to think about anything, no worries, no problems.

I sat there in my chair and watched my boys splash around in the water.  They were enjoying themselves. Every now and again, hubby and I would join them in the water.  The water was a bit cool and a touch choppy today, pretty good sized waves crashing onto the beach.  I sat there on the shoreline digging my hands as deep down into the sand as I could, hoping to fish out something really cool.  I found a piece of pottery that a seagull hanging out above my head mistook for a piece of food, I obliged him, he decided it didn't suit his "taste" hahaha.  

Hubby and I returned to our beach chairs, about that time some other children arrived and walked straight into the water with my kids, they played.  My kids like to play!  Company is always welcome and they always make a friend or two somewhere.  Storm clouds surrounded us most of the time we were there, then one of them decided to let loose.  Why leave, we were already wet anyway =)  I love the rain, I love the beach - great combo!  

After the storm moved over us, we began to talk about life.  I confessed how I had been feeling for the past year and a half.  Dealing with depression and all the issues surrounding my moms passing and how I have felt abandoned by losing her and then all over again by my dad moving away right after.  I felt lost and broken.  My brokenness has kept me in a depressed state of mind, which has led to weight gain, my anger, being closed off and not caring about anything.  My emotions have remained on high charge for the last year and a half.  A part of my spirit, a part of my soul died when my mom went to her heavenly home.  I've recently been dealing with issues steming from different forms of abuse throughout my childhood right up in my teen years and my mid-20's, add that the mix and you have a recipe for self-destruction.  Here comes the rain again.  

I can relate the sunshine and the rain of today's adventure to my life in a personal way.  There will be rainy days.  There will be days that the sun shines so brightly that I'll have to squint at the gloriousness of it all. There is elation and joy laced throughout my life and there is sadness and dark stuff too.  God showed me, through a seashell no less, the brokenness and ugliness on the exterior of this hard shell, but the inside is smooth and beautiful.  I know I will still have rough stuff to go through, but during all of that I hope to keep my focus on the beauty inside of me, keeping my eyes focused on the Lord.  I am just a cracked, chipped, vessel and sometimes I feel useless and chalked full of holes... but that's not how God, my heavenly Father, my Creator - sees me.  To Him I am a beautiful creation, his daughter and one day I will be made whole, complete and perfect. I am just a seashell being rolled around and scraped against the sand trying to survive the crashing waves of life and at points getting to relax on a nice warm beach somewhere.

This afternoons therapy session ended on a high note with thunderous applause from the skies followed by a downpour of rain.  That was our cue to go home happy and a little lighter in spirit.

#thereishealinghere
#myfavoriteplacetobeach

Ministry is exhaustively rewarding

Ministry can be so challenging, exhausting and totally deplete your spiritual tank.

World changer? Hope for the hopeless?  

I am certainly not equipped to save the world or change the world, only God can do that, but I can be a vessel that He uses to reach others.  Through God we find the hope we seek, in turn, we should model that same hope for others, showing them what living, breathing hope looks like.  

Ministry can be emotionally tiring and wearing on the soul.  You KNOW that you can not and will not always able help ease hurts, take away pain, help pay a light bill, provide diapers or help financially.  You can't make others see or understand who God is especially if they don't know The Lord AND they're currently sitting in a pit of despair without their basic needs being met. This is tough stuff..... BUT GOD is able!

God can do ALL things.  Because God CAN do all things, doesn't mean those needing help are supposed to sit on their laurels and not do anything.  There is scripture after scripture on laziness and foolishness speckled throughout Proverbs. There is also verse after verse about us Christians and how we are supposed to be loving others.   This is the point where discernment and the Holy Spirits guiding are a huge deal!

 

I desire to help others come to the realization of the hope they can have.   I can’t rely on myself for that, because at times I lose hope too.  The hope I have only comes from God through Christ.  

I can't offer financial support for those who need it, unless I am financially okay. If I have money I can give, if I don't, then I can't. If I can help I would be glad to.  Prayers or some of my time are mostly what I can offer up.

I seem to keep attracting people who need "help", those who are struggling, ladies who need to be loved on, ladies who need emotional and spiritual support and maturity.  They need someone they can lean on.  I can't figure out why they are coming to me.   I have always prayed that God would use me in whatever way He sees fit and I'm willing to serve in whatever capacity He has in mind for me.  What is Gods purpose here?  Why do they keep coming my way or does He keep sending them my way?  I assume The Lord is trying to show me something or teach me a lesson.  Maybe it's to make me venture out there to see what resources I can find to help these people who keep crossing my path.  I guess I should start there.

I understand that as a church, our job is help people and love on people right where they are and I try to do that as much as possible.  I find that at times I also become very leery of those that I feel may take advantage of the church, any church. I've seen it so many times where people only darken the doors of a church and become "involved" just to get what they need, then they're gone in a flash.  I cannot be a selective Christian, one who picks and chooses who we help, via church or my own personal resources. That's not fair or right on my part.   My Jesus didn't pick and choose who he helped in his earthly ministry; he helped and loved everyone right where they were.  

I shall be like Jesus and follow in his footsteps.

The exciting part of ministry is when you see a woman, a broken forlorn woman who makes the choice to break through chains, knock down some walls, conquer fears, defeat obstacles, lift up her face, and fall head over heels in love with God all over again.  I love how exhaustively rewarding women's ministry can be! 

Yep, this is me

Hi, I'm WonderWoman.  I'm flawed, I'm a sinner, and sometimes my faith waivers a bit.  I sometimes say bad words (in my heart and from my mouth), I think bad thoughts and I'm opinionated at times. I love rock/alternative music and I love to dance!  I'm horrible at attempting to live a Christian life, but I'm trying.  I don't always practice everything I preach, but I try.  I'm not the perfect parent, but I love my kids with every ounce of my being and I want what's best for them.

I can say that I live a passionate life though.  I am crazy passionate about The Lord of my life and about my Jesus who died to save ALL of our souls.   Just because I have Jesus, doesn't mean I am not passionate about life or this world I live in.  I am very passionate about my family!   I am passionate about my country, the place I love and call home.  I am passionate about being in a profession that I love, doing massage and bodywork combined with my love of essential oils!  I am passionate about music, art and my friends.  I am passionate about Superheroes and the 80's!  I am extremely passionate about ending bullying from kids and adults alike.  I am passionate about ending abuse of every kind, mental, physical and sexual abuse!!  I am passionate women's ministry and I am passionate about loving people as much as I can.