Darkness

It comes, gently.  

I slowly breathe it in as it begins to fill my nostrils.  

The aroma is familiar and moody.  

It grabs me by the ankles and gracefully pulls me down.  

Before I even realize it, my arms have become bound to my sides so I can't move. 

Over the course of days and weeks it reaches and settles into my lungs, now my very breath.  

I don't feel much like breathing at the moment.  

The darkness is strong.  

It is overpowering.  

It overshadows everything. 

It holds me captive.

It is consuming.  

It is life stealing.  

In the darkness there is no laughter.  

Joy is a myth and I don't believe it is real.  

This darkness, it is the very thing that I breathe.  

Angry White Girl

The last year has been quite rough. The lows have vastly outweighed the highs. I've struggled so much. Everyday it seems I'm fighting for myself and fighting against settling for things that affect me in a negative way. I feel like I have been fighting for my mental health more than ever before.  I've been struggling with anger, disappointment, discouragement and frustration.  Honestly, I've been pretty damn pissed off. I sit in this mad pissed off place and ruminate over all the things. Being upset and angry means I care, or cared for too long or cared too damn much. I think I am way passed the point of caring, and have just faceplanted in the place of not caring. at. all. I have stumbled and fallen hard into a place of apathy and lack of concern. As a human, a person, full of emotions and a beating heart, here I am standing in the dead center of apathy. Love is one of my superpowers, so I thought. I love really hard. For a person who loves well, I feel like I am so freaking stone cold and unmoved right now. I am angry. Fighting mad. I am finally realizing this. I haven't been able to put a label on all these feelings and emotions (or lack thereof), until now. It has taken me a really long time to get here. This is a culmination of about 24 months worth of me asking, and stewing and asking again for a few minor things to happen. These are not huge outlandish requests, they are simple changes I've asked for. They are things that matter to me. They are things that affect my mental health in massive negative ways. When I ask something, and it's met with lack of care - I feel extremely unimportant and disregarded. My feelings don't matter. I am not being heard. I feel like I am raging inside. Mostly at myself and my stupid heart. Like do people really change? Can they change? Is change temporary or am I expecting too much? I hate so much that I've reached this point after this seemly short amount of time, actually it's been 2 years. Basically for 2 years I've been "waiting." I don't know how much of this I can come back from. I don't know if I'm too far gone. Too far beyond frustrated. Can I find that attraction again? Can I fall back in-love? I didn't jump into this with potential being at the top of the list, I jumped in headfirst because I was sold on this person and all of his words. Words don't mean anything if they're not backed up with actions. Where do I go from here?

When Friendship Isn't Really Friendship

Being guarded. Retreating into oneself. So afraid to let anyone in. The last time you did that you were told that you were basically ruining a friendship because of all your issues. You talked too much about everything going on in your life. You talked about it so much that it pushed away a really great friend. They were over it. They didn't want to hear anymore about how hurt you were. They didn't want your burdens unloaded on them anymore. Apparently the friendship was abused and tattered because you shared the on-goings of your life with a friend. The hurt caused by them shutting you down hurt even more than the initial hurt you had from the situation you were struggling with. Feeling as though you may have done this to multiple very good, close friends, you wonder if you've been pushing them away unknowingly as well, but they were too afraid to say it. It sucks to think of someone as a great friend only to have them shut you down and not talk to you for months on end and not even tell you why. That relationship has changed. I don't share much anymore for fear of being too needy and co-dependent (which I'm not). I keep most things to myself in fear of pushing others away. I'm a lot less trusting these days and for very good reason. This is a legitimate fear of mine now. It kinda sucks. The people you think you can trust to not hurt you, are the ones that usually do. The sting still stings though it's been a while. If you've been stung that way then you know exactly how it feels. Just remember to be your own best friend....or just talk to your dog! Dogs are the best.

How 2019 Wrecked Me

Remember just how freaking swimmingly 2018 was and how you swore at the end of 2018 that you weren't doing that shit again...well, here we are, we made it to the end of 2019!  Congrats!  You did it!  You came out on top and you did exactly what you said you'd do - you'd live bullshit free and enjoy your life.  You did exactly that.  You moved forward.  You let go.  You refocused.  You prioritized.  You began living for you and your kids.  Ditched all the naysayers and negativity mongers in your life.  Smiled more.  Worked harder on yourself and started taking small steps towards loving yourself more.  It's amazing how loving and respecting yourself more can change your outlook on things.

In all of my 2019'ing one of the best things that happened to me was finally meeting myself and getting to know myself.  My likes and dislikes what I agree or disagree on and where I stand on certain topics and subjects.  Developing my own opinions and thoughts on things and standing by whatever feels right in my heart.  I have boxed up and put away so many of my previous convictions because they no longer felt right to me anymore.  I love where I stand presently.  I actually feel freer and strong enough to feel the way I want to feel and not care if anyone disagrees or not. I feel like I have finally gained the courage and strength that I've longed for for a very long time.  Channeling the strength of my mother if you will.  She was the strongest person I know.  I am glad to have been born of such a strong and wise person - but she had to go through plenty of her own hell to get to that place of sheer strength.  I guess her journey became my journey.  Glad I paid attention.  

This year one of the other best things that EVER happened to me, happened!  I was attending a local comic convention here in my town, minding my own business and got hit with the sweetest smile attached to this most handsome gentleman, so I smiled back and for a moment we were the only 2 people in this crowded room, just fixated on each other.  Time stood still.  My heart skipped a beat.  No words were spoken.  My heart already knew.  I was completely WRECKED.  If I never believed in love at first sight, I did then!  At that moment the force was awakened in me.  My nerves kept me from going over to talk to him.  Soon after my son was chatting with him and I had an in!  The conversation was easy and fun and we discussed Comicpalooza and who was going with us.  I was fishing, I needed to know if this man was single!  I still wasn't sure, but the way he smiled at me, said he was.  I made sure to introduce myself, I wanted him to know my name and I wanted to know his.  I left the Con consumed by my thoughts of this guy.  Consumed!  I had to see if I could find out more about him through facebook or something.  I started with our mutual friend who had put on the convention, by looking through his friends list.  Sure enough, there he was, that handsome sweet face.  7 hours later I decided to friend request him and then I tossed my phone so I wouldn't chicken out and cancel it.  7am the next day my phone blinged and his name popped up that he'd accepted.  I remember thinking that morning, oh shit, now I have to brush my damn hair today.  Suddenly I was more nervous than ever.  I knew I would be going back to the Con for day 2.  He was set up as a vendor so I knew I would be running into him.  Damn.  So nervous.  I fixed my hair, tried to look extra spiffy and my son and I went back up there for day 2, mostly because he was in the cosplay contest.  We ended up at his table again, and he had brought me a gift of some Star Wars artwork.  That was the sweetest gesture.  We talked off and on during the course of the day and at the end of the day when the cosplay contest wrapped up, he was standing beside me and asked if he could see me outside of the con.  All I said was "Absolutely!"  and we smiled.  I got home around 530 that Sunday and my kids went to their dads house and I was home alone telling one my besties about this man I met.  I decided to send him a wave on messenger and he immediately waved back.  He invited me to dinner and I think I shrieked like a high school girl inside.  By 630 we were eating at Pipeline and he had ordered chips and queso for us!  He had done a little homework, which I thought was very cool!  Monday rolled around and we didn't get to see each other and I gotta tell you, Monday sucked!   Tuesday he finally kissed me.  Shriek! Thursday night he told me that he loved me and I already knew he did because I loved him too.  

My 2019 brought in heaps of healing and loads of love and a great deal of growth.  It truly was a great year.  I met the love of my life in April then this beautiful man of my dreams asked me to marry him in June.  2020 will bring a wedding in April and my baby boy will graduate high school in May.    

As this year began I chose to grow and move up.  To let go of past things and only keep what feeds my soul and let some of the new in.  I chose to start seeing myself for the amazing human being that I know is in there somewhere, she's just been hiding for a bit.  I'd love to credit myself with the growth and healing by me doing the work and in a lot of ways I do give credit where it's due.  At the same time, I owe a lot of credit to the man in my life for showing me everyday what an incredible person he believes I am - by him showing me and believing in me, it helped me see myself through his eyes and love myself even more.  He loves me and heals me so well.  I know I have tons of work to do still and don't get me wrong, I am nowhere near having the confidence level that I want, but this is a damn good start!

I think the main thing I want to focus on in 2020 is growing confidence in myself, being a little less self conscious and self aware. Letting myself go and just being fully me.  To stop letting me hold me back, because that's what I do in every part of my life.  I hold back.  I want to be reserved and classy but confident and sassy.

This year also brought us Godzilla King of the Monsters, Avengers Endgame, Baby Yoda, The Mandalorian and sadly the end of the Skywalker Saga with Star Wars The Rise of Skywalker.  42 years of my life wrapped up in 2 hours and 35 minutes.  It was a beautiful piece of filmography and wonderful piece of film history. I was able to share this experience with my diehard Star Wars fiance' and my sons and it was a spectacular experience for both us to be able to wrap it up together.


I feel like my Twenty Nineteen was a kick-ass year and Twenty Twenty will be most excellent.  Be still my heart.

The Pain of Relationships

You're not immune to pain.  There is nothing in the world that will keep you from being hurt, no plastic bubble to protect you, no matter the amount of joy that resides in you, nothing will keep you from ultimately being hurt or feeling pain in this life.  Whether it's the pain of grieving the loss of a loved one, a failed marriage, a friendship gone awry or being perpetually single and feeling so damn alone.  If you are a living breathing human being made of flesh, blood and bone, you're going to get hurt.  You're welcome.

The process of dealing with hurt and pain is a strange one.  I believe we go through stages much like grief.  There's the initial shock that makes some of us take a nose dive straight into shutdown mode (me).  Some of us go headlong into defensive mode (also me).  We may veer off the road and a head-on collision with anger (guess what, me again).  We may slam face first into the pavement of uncontrollable tears (yep!).  Or my most favorite one ... rebellion (for sure!).  You may find other unusual ways to deal with your pain,  such as self-injuring (my go-to).  You may also go against everything you think you know and tossing that flaming bag of shit out the nearest open fucking window.  Personally, I have gone through all of these stages.  So many times I have uttered the words - "I don't give a damn" to "I care too damn much."  Caring is where the problem lies.  When you care too much you get sucked into the emotional side of everything and that is what trips us up!  We let our hearts get in the way.  Then when someone rips your heart out before your very eyes and completely crushes it in front of you, you've just lost the damn battle.  You can consider yourself down for the count and I can assure you that one of the above mentioned emotions will grip you!  Pain will manifest itself in some weird ass way.  If you're expecting to dodge and weave to avoid pain, good luck with that.

Pain sucks to go through.  The searing agony of pain has to run its course through our life.  We do however come out alive on the other side for the most part, but never unscathed or marked up with the scars and bruises of past hurts.  So what is the purpose of having to wade through the painful shit.  I mean really, why???

It's supposed the strengthen us?  Make us better equipped to deal with the next round of shit we are going to face?  I just don't get it.  

What I do get is this.... pain is part of life, like any other emotion or feeling, good or bad.  Our lives are riddled with so many things, some good, some bad.  You can let yourself experience the pain and learn from it or let it take root.  I guess there's supposed to be a balance in there somewhere.  That perfect balance depends on you.  

(Journal excerpt from October 2018 when life was a bit too real)

#relationships #pain #divorce #singlelife 

All along her name was Grief

About a week ago as I was writing another post, this really deep truth hit me. It's simply the fact that I am grieving.  This feeling just hit me like fresh bag of aromatic coffee beans right smack between my eyes. 

Anger is so easy to blame and she helps me to build walls quickly, stay on guard, remain in defense mode and not let myself be open to anyone.  Keep everyone at a distance because it's much safer that way and no one gets hurt.  I've felt for a while now that all these emotions and feelings I've been having are possibly something else because I'm not really angry, just... I don't know.  

Grief makes so much more sense to me now as I try to find answers to all my questions as to why I feel the way I do.  Grieving from going through a divorce 9 months ago... that turned into grieving the loss of someone I loved. Grieving someone who had been in my life for 17 years. Grieving for a past that is gone. Grieving for the loss of myself and all the change that resulted from it. Grieving because I have kinda become unrecognizable to myself.  I am trying to find me and I feel completely lost sometimes.  It's easy to pin all this shit on anger - anger takes the blame a lot. For me it's not anger at all.  It's loss and change and trying to figure out how the hell to move forward with this one life I've been given.  

Divorce doesn't just affect you, it affects everything and every aspect of your life becomes something new and different.  a life unrecognizable.   All the thoughts and feelings that run marathons through my head everyday are totally exhausting, mentally, emotionally and apparently physically as well, as I am finding myself being kinda tired and feeling rundown and fatigued a lot lately.  I know this is all part of the crazy grieving process but I want so badly to begin to heal, to allow myself to move on, to allow myself to let someone in, to be close to someone I love and allow myself to be loved fully.  I am not closed off to the prospect of being in a loving relationship or even marriage one day.  I want all that.  I just hope that I don't become so used to doing my own thing that I never allow anyone back in.  Grief is a lonely place to be and I am starting to like the comfort of being alone.  Complication free.

However, I long to see the sun poke his shining face from behind the clouds and show me a little glimmer of hope saying that everything is going to be alright. I know that day is coming. 


#grief #postdivorce #divorce #loss #anger #healing #hope #mytruth #truth

Letting Go & Finding Myself

I am choosing MY life, moment by moment.

It is my turn to decide what makes me happy and follow my heart.  I am currently free.  Free from a man or significant other, free to choose, free to be alone if I want.  Fuck everyone else and what they think and what they think I should do.  It's my time to create THE LIFE I WANT, they way I want things to be, the way I see them.  A life foremost for myself and also my children. Screw everything and everyone else.

I've spent the last many years being quiet and going with the flow.  Fuck the flow.  I want passion, I want happy, I want joy and I want security.  I want to enjoy the things that matter most to me. I want simplicity and art and the beach and nature and good books and coffee and real true uninhibited unconditional love.  I want my zest for life to be reflected in my personality and the way I come across to other people.  I want to enjoy this one short life that I've been given.  I don't give myself near enough credit or build up my own self esteem near enough.  I get down on myself and think I am just a useless human being that has no value nor adds value to anyone else's life.

It's time to let go....
of fear
of anger
of worry
of anxiety
of the past
of sadness
of negativity
of frustration
of depression
of helplessness
of hopelessness
of the self doubt
of doubt in general
of being overly conscious
of the feeling of worthlessness
of worrying about what other people think of me

Will I ever get all the answers to the questions I have with regards to the past, yes, here's my answer - because fuck, shit fucking happened, it did, I can't do anything about the past or worry about the reason things happened.  People fuck up all the time.  Am I supposed to hold a grudge?  No, because all that is going to do is make me completely crazy and plant more doubt and hopelessness in my heart and mind and make me feel as though I wasn't enough.  Maybe I wasn't, but I will be enough for someone else someday.  Right now, I don't even care.  

It is all this negative stuff the weighs me down and makes me feel bad about ME.  This is the weight I need to lose, to shed this shit and to become lighter in my heart and my mind  So I am choosing to free my mind.  

If it doesn't feed my soul, it has to go away.
My past was a learning experience for my future so bring on the future!  Let's do this shit!!!

Freebird Part 1

I don’t want and can’t allow the highs to be high and the lows to be so low in my life.  I can’t allow these fluctuations in my emotions.  I feel like I am on a crazy ass roller-coaster ride and my seat belt just isn’t doing the job of holding me in my seat.  I am suffering from emotional whiplash.  My emotional neck is wrecked from getting whipped one way and then another.  Extreme to extreme.  I get so excited to talk to him and laugh with him and be silly with him.  That happiness is always being overshadowed by the things he says and it quickly jerks me back to reality, like being awakened from the most wonderful dream.  Startling me and disappointing me all at the same time.  It totally sucks.  I want his sweet words to ring true in my heart, in his actions and in how he treats me.  It doesn’t   One cannot live a life of defense and be happy at the same time.  Defense equals guarded equals shutdown equals unhealthy equals destruction.  I cannot live like that.  Chaos causes confusion.  Hell, it’s even deceitful, it’s making a person believe you are one way when in fact you’re not that person at all.  He is not the same person I met 8 months ago.  Maybe he was this person, but was covering him up behind a sweet smile and glorious words dripping with honey.  Nabbed me and called his own.  Then bam, out comes the wolf in sheep’s clothing.  I am extremely frustrated with his jealousy.  Do I want to live my life feeling like I am always being kept tabs on?  Jealousy only shows a huge lack of distrust.  Either you trust me or you don’t.  You have no reason to not believe the words I say.  I am who I am, I say what I think, and I feel what I feel.  You want me to smile when you tell me that you love me?  You want my heart to skip a beat when I see your name pop up on my phone?  You want me to want you and you alone?   Then treat me like a woman, a lady, a friend, a lover, a partner in this life.

A bird has to be bird and fly free.  Free from accusations.  Free from strife.  Free from being questioned.  Free from feeling judged.  Free from my breaking point.  Free from being on the defense.  I just want to fly free.

Oh Lover of My ... Nevermind

love.  relationships.  your significant other.  the one you cherish.  you hurt them.  maybe not on purpose... or maybe it is.  cut them to the core with your words.  burned them down with your cutting eyes.  shut them up with your sharp tongue and careless whatever's.  goading them into thinking it's their fault in every disagreement.  you are wrong and they are right.  every time.  you lack a proper tone with which to communicate that doesn't come off brass and harsh.  that look of disdain rolls across your face and settles there and you wonder why your love doesn't smile anymore.  you've spent what seems to be most of the time judging their every move.  questioning what they do and their practices.  too tied up and immersed in their world that you loose sight of your own.  you adopt and adapt to their way of life.  losing yourself in the process.  your words on paper no longer mimic your actions in person.  your temper is quick your words condescending.  you feel challenged when your person does things you don't like. pushing them closer to the edge of the cliff with every negative word. every snarky comment.  every little thing matters and becomes magnified in the heat of the moment. maybe they're not what you expected.  maybe you're not who they thought you were either.

Oh lover of my Soul

Oh lover of my soul
Be gentle with my heart
Treat me with gentleness
And treat me smart
For I have been
Worn down and weary
And I long for this new start
Though I am a little scared
Of the rush
My desire to go slow
Is interrupted
By the thought of your touch
It's the happiness 
You bring 
That makes my heart wear a bigger smile
Over this entire thing
And I love this feeling of joy
My feelings run so deep
For you
My boy

So I ask you again
Oh lover of my soul
Please be gentle with my heart

Untitled

Frozen.  You sit.  The chill begins to reach the bones.  A brisk cold overtakes your core.  Ice forms on the mantle of your once warm beating heart, leaving you lifeless and hard.  The cold shards begin to chip away at your already beaten soul.  You let it.  After all, what's the use.  You've never had a happy ending anyway.  You've come to expect disappoint and hurt. You've allowed those negative things to take root in you so many times before, you have pulled yourself out of the rut and here you are once again.  Why should this time be any different from the last.  You keep your cold hard guard up and don't let anyone in.  The place you've cut off, trying to learn how to not feel so much, so you won't get burned.   Walls are easier to build than having to deal with the hurt.  Why in the world would you ever allow yourself to be vulnerable... again.

Then, along came this guy.

Someone unexpected. Someone you weren't even looking for.  He breezed his way into my life without warning, without notice.  He wasn't invited.  He came along and he slowly began the process of thawing you out and warming you up.  So much so that you could feel yourself breaking free from the chill, the cold, the ice that you've let enrapture your heart time and time again.  You slowly begin realizing that the ice is melting and the warmth of your heart was free again.  There he was, meticulously reviving all that was cold, dark, lost and lonely.  Leaving you free to believe again.  You start to believe that life doesn't have to be this way or that way,  that it can just be downright amazing.  That love is real and tangible and there are still beautiful men out there with the most amazing hearts!   I get to call one of them mine.

Dedicated to my selfless rescuer, my WonderBoo

Wading Through The Deep

           Learning too much about stress, waiting, confusion, loneliness, frustration, aggravation and lots about love.  Life is so full of surprises, good and bad. 

          

          Things are not always what they appear to be on the outside.  The external is covered with a smile that hides the hell that's going on inside.  I think we are all basically wrecked inside, some of us just have better ways of hiding it, and maybe even more creative ways of dealing with our wrecked selves.  

          I don't handle things as well as I wish I did.  I know I am stronger than I allow myself to be.  Some days I just feel so weak, so worn and so weary that I can't see passed my owns problems and stresses of life.  Stress leads to frustration and aggravation with everything and everyone around me.  Stress elevates and heightens all my other problems, making them seem even worse than they really are.  The kicker is that I know what my root cause of stress is, there's just nothing I can do about it right now.  So I continue muddling through each day with the hopes that tomorrow will be better than today.  I hold out for the hope of each coming day.

          Love, wow.  Love is so great. Being in love is mind blowing.  I can't say enough about it.  There are so many emotions tangled up with the simply complex word, love.  Caring about someone else's welfare on every damn level possible.  Worrying about them, sometimes even above worrying about yourself.  Putting them first, in every thought and feeling, being so concerned with their being in every way.  I love really hard and really deeply.  I can't help it, that's how I was created, to BE a LOVER. It's daunting, painful and scary and I wouldn't trade a moment of it for the one my soul loves.  I would do it all over again without question!  My answer is yes, every. fucking. time.  YES.

          There's been an awakening, have you felt it?  My faith has taken a huge hit and a great turn in the right direction.   For the last couple of years I've questioned everything I believe against everything I have seen, felt and experienced from my past and those things don't line up with what I've believed in the more recent past.  It's hard to separate those things.  It doesn't have to be either this or that, learning to see with a different eye what's going on around me.  Picking apart my faith, piece by piece and trying to figure out where all these pieces fit to create a clearer picture for me.  I have found out (again) that meditation and breathing really helps me work through things.  I am rediscovering things that I used to do and finding what I need in other avenues of spiritual awareness.  There just has to be some foundational truths to each religion, some sort of takeaway that speaks to my soul, truths that are willing to guide me.  I'm discovering things via a more mystical approach to spirituality.  Seeking a more intimate and deeper awareness of God and of myself.  Seeing myself more as a mystic I suppose.  I have been learning tons and still have loads more to learn, but I am thoroughly enjoying the process of being remolded and challenged in my ways of thinking.  Causing me to open my eyes and see the mysterious things of God more clearly and it's so exciting!   I've never been a closed minded person when it comes to spirituality anyway.  I've tossed the glorified baptist Christian label out the damn window.  Over it.  Moving on and moving up to the next level.

             

So since this is my blog and writing helps me wade through the shittiness of life, I guess I should leave myself some tidbits of hope for all the hard days to come, since I revisit my own blog pretty regularly:

*Hold out for your love, it's definitely going to be worth it!

*See the value in yourself, the ways others do

*One month from now things will be different

*A year from now life will be different 

*The future is brighter than the present

*Creativity is your superpower, use it 

*You are stronger than you know

*Be kind to and love yourself

*Find the joy in the waiting

*Learn to let SHIT go

*This too shall pass

*Joy is coming

Overwhelmed

Reset to 0 days without incident.

I am so tired.

I am so overwhelmed.

I am so emotionally exhausted.

I am so overwhelmed.

I am so tired.

Searching & Seeking

Questioning my life

Questioning my entire existence

Questions about God, The Holy Spirit & Eternity

What is the truth in all these things

Are they real
Could it all be a rouze

Difference between spirituality & religion 

Life

Love, true love and soul mates 

My life and what got me here, to this place

Marriage

What I want

What I don't want

What I desire

How I want to live

How I see my future

Who I see my future with 💚

Job & Career goals

What do I want to do with the rest of my life

What are my life's goals
How do I reach those goals

Where does my passion lie

What makes me smile

What makes my heart happy

What takes my breath away

How do I balance everything

How do I keep my head on straight

And a million why's that I shouldn't even give thought to

Desperately trying to keep my focus on the hows

How to move forward

How to reach my goals

How to get what I want, what I desire 

How do I keep from being overwhelmed in the process

How do I hold it all together and keep a level head

How do I find the answers to all these questions
Searching and seeking

I will attempt, over a period of time, to answer all these questions for myself.

I desire to know these things.

Welcome to ... my head!  
I'm exhausted.

1. 
   

Crisis Aftermath

Yesterday evening, I slipped off into a quiet sanctuary and prayed and cried and prayed and cried some more.  Asking God to protect all those that I love and all the other people affected by this storm and the next places it's headed.  It has been a nightmare.

As I went to bed last night, I checked the radar one last time to see what kind of night we were in for.  The radar appeared to be clear and the storm looked as though it was possibly heading farther east than expected, meaning it wasn't hitting us head on anymore.  I took a long look at the sky and hoped that was true.   I had already prepared myself for a direct hit. Went to sleep with a little peace in my heart as I hoped I had read the weather radar correctly!  

All through the night I woke up here and there and listened for the rain... nothing.  It was silent.  

Woke up at 7:30 AM to a weirdly wicked orange sky.  It wasn't raining.  I was elated!!!  Awakening my guys with a shout of "Let's go home!  Let's go home!"  We packed and left!  We were home within 30 minutes of waking up! 

There was debris in the streets, ditches had gone down for the most part...and home, home was GREAT!  Just as we had left it.  We quickly made our way in to check everything out and unload.  Showers were had, laundry was started, things were unpacked.  There is still tons to be done.  We dressed, grabbed a quick bite and headed back up to the church at 8:45 AM.  We are still a shelter and have families staying there.  

Checked in on my family who were next in Harvey's radar and they were fine!!  All of them!  The storm didn't hit them directly, but landed west of them.  Again, pure elation!

The morning and afternoon today were very busy with families needing food and essentials.  Today our food pantry served about 35 families. It was BUSY.  Donations kept rolling in, and we kept serving.  Such a generous outpouring from our community of folks and businesses!  I am still so proud to be a Baytownian! 

Tired but blessed to be a blessing to so many others who are struggling right along side us.

Things looked so bleak for so long.  Wow.  We are still here.  We have survived.  We are alive.  

#hurricaneharvey #baytownstrong #houstonstrong 

Crisis Strong

Hurricane Harvey had his eyes set on Corpus Christi, ultimately making landfall head on in Rockport, TX on Friday, August 25 as a category 4 hurricane with 130 mph winds.   It moved quickly over the area leaving a wake of destruction in its fast track to the east.

The storm very quickly made its way to Houston and the surrounding areas.  Decimating the previous landscape with quickly rising flood waters.  People clamoring to get to higher ground.  This was so unexpected. This came out of nowhere.  Water rapidly rose, endangering lives, taking over homes and businesses, stealing everything from 10's of thousands of people.

I had moderately prepared for the possibly of this storm hitting us and being inconvenienced for a few days.  Who knew this storm would end up lasting 5-6 days dumping trillions of gallons of water on our beloved city and the communities around it.  I am a native Houstonian, born and raised.  My heart breaks for my hometown city.  I live 20 miles east of Houston in Baytown, population 80,000 or so now.  I love my community and the people in it.  We are strong, we are survivors.  Hurricanes and tropical storms come with living on the coast.  It's all part of the beauty ... and the choas.

My heart breaks for the numerous people who have lost everything, some even lost their lives trying to escape.  Death toll is currently at 12.  Just awful.  Family members and friends are flooded in or flooded out.  I'm worried about my house taking on water.  Tonight is going to be the real deal here as the tropical storm rolls up through here for a final and 3rd hit. 

It began with my family in Corpus, rolled through Houston and Baytown hitting us and taking a turn for Lake Charles where my parents are and heading down towards Baton Rouge where my sister is.  This is truly and sadly a family affair!  Most of my family has been or will be affected by this. 

We have made every preparation possible in our house to secure some of our belongings in case water came into our home.  Putting as much as we could up high and off the floor.  The water kept rising ... then falling...then rising...then falling and rising.  When it got to the point where it wouldn't fall, we decided it was time to leave.  We evacuated on Monday evening to my church, which is also the church I work at.   We decided it was better to be safe than sorry.  Afraid we would end up having to attempt an evacuation when it would be near impossible. There are limited places to go as well. Monday night went well, we were in a safe place.  It rained, but not too terribly bad. 

Tuesday morning we got up and around and found a donut shop open and bought some breakfast and checked our street.  Water was still standing, but it wasn't terrible.  Ditches were still very full with nowhere for water to drain off.  So tonight we are staying at the church again.

Tuesday morning turned to afternoon and then it happened.  Our church became an evacuation shelter without warning.  A truck full of people showed up and was bring dropped off by a rescue crew.  Everything was fast forward without a plan!  It was a bit much, a furious scurrying of people and no plan.  Details eventually fell into place, all hands on deck, volunteers showed up, donations were rolling in and the volunteers worked very hard to get things organized and set up.  It was great to see so many people join together to help each other in such a time of crisis.  I'm proud of 'people' today. The human condition - we are fragile & breakable human beings and are not immune to the sufferings this life sometimes throws at us.

 

I'm staying in a heartbroken state of prayer.  Begging God to clear this up and make a way for everyone.  The cleanup will be long and extensive.

We are #BaytownStrong & #HoustonStrong We will be good again.  I am so PROUD of my community!!

Tomorrow's blog ... Crisis Aftermath

Dancing Despite the Dark

Early to bed and early to rise was on last nights agenda.  Turns out that agenda took a nose dive and I went to bed late and woke up at 3:30am.  There was no going back to sleep once I woke up.

Gathered the kids, clothes, towels, sandwiches and coffee and hit the road at 5:30am.  I had these mad plans to make it to Galveston this morning and watch the sunrise, come hell or high water.  Hell did not rain down and the tide was out, so we were good.  Sunrise was said to be at 6:44am.  We had plenty of time.  We arrived to an empty, peaceful, serene beach laden with all the seaweed you could ever hope for.  Toted our chairs and coffee down to the beach and faced the east.  We sat and watched and waited for that big orange ball to peek up over the horizon and let her glorious hair down.  She was beautiful.  Situated proudly in the morning sky, waiting to rain down her sunbeam showers through the clouds.  

I sat there.  I was mesmerized with the sound of the melodic waves scurrying to meet the shore.  There were songs of the seagulls overhead and all around us.  A cool southern breeze coming in from the ocean carrying tiny drops of salty sea water depositing them in our hair and on our skin. Closing my eyes from time to time to engage all my senses in my current surroundings. I never want to leave.  I could sit here forever.

I go here to escape.  Escape life.  Escape work.  Escape bills.  Escape struggles.  Escape anger.  Escape inadequacy.  Escape insecurity. Escape home life.  Escape fear.  Escape marriage.  Escape parenting.  Escaping everything that distracts me from being peace filled.  

Sometimes you need to care for yourself.  You need to refocus.  You need a new plan.  A new outlook.  A renewed sense of self.  A place to gather hope.  A place to make plans and a place to wonder why plans fell apart. A place to find yourself in the middle of your mess and tell yourself that you'll be alright.  A place where you can heal.  The beach... that's my place.

Today I unknowingly took a step that I didn't expect to take.  As I dressed this morning, I put on my swimsuit, which I didn't intend anyone to see ... because ... my body.  I pulled out some shorts and swimsuit coverup.  Dressed myself, grabbed my flip flops, and my floppy hat and that was it.  No change of clothes on this trip.  I had no intention of swimming today, as I've watched all the Jaws movie this week and several of the Sharknado movies.  This was trip to sit and just be.  

As I sat there, I realized my shorts were quite short today.  I hadn't been wearing shorts lately because of the most recent incidents (3 to be exact), I've experienced with my painful addiction of cutting.  I always cover it, always.  I always keep it well hidden until it's healed.  Never letting anyone see, as that is an extremely personal private part of my pain, a pain I shall not reveal to an unworthy person - mostly for fear of being judged for my actions.  It's mine.  I own it.  It's not for display.  Ever.

I noticed a quick glance from someone sitting next to me, but they never uttered a word, but I know they saw it.  They know I do it.  They never ask or question me about it.  It was at that moment I thought, I'm tired of hiding this "truth" about me.  I'm tired of hiding who I am.  So many people have no idea that this is something that I do.  I'm not proud of it.  It sucks to go through it.  This is still part of me, it's still something that I do.  It has been my outlet for 25+ years - well over half of my life.  I don't care who sees it anymore.  

I took it a step farther than I ever thought I would,  Apparently today  was a day for my bravery to step up its game.  I posted what I thought was a lot less obvious picture on Instagram of my legs, feet in the sand, overlooking the ocean.  People noticed the lines across my thigh and started asking me about it.  Here I thought I was posting an inconspicuous photo that wouldn't even be noticed... "Oh look, the beach!"   Wrong.  I captioned it "Truth.  You can't hide from it."  When you post a tiny pic on IG, you don't realize sometimes what a big deal it can be.  Who knew that a freeing moment could come from such a small thing.  My own niece, offered to help me through it, my niece is 13!  I don't get that kind of support from most adults I know, even the ones who know I do it and are really close to me.  She really touched my heart with that.  

I cut.  I am a cutter.  I am a self injurer.  On purpose.  I do it when I feel overwhelmed, frustrated, out of control.  I have to do it.  This is my pain, and I get to be to one to control my pain.  No one else will be allowed that power.  It's mine.  I own it.  This is me.  I don't require sympathy or pity.  Understanding, support and zero judgment is all I want. 

I want to walk around and be proud of who I am despite the darkness that surrounds me sometimes.  Despite the lines and scars that mar my skin.  These are scars from the battles I have faced and damn it all, I'm still here.  I'm still alive.  

I am not all dark, there is still good in me, I can feel it.

#cutting #cutter #selfinjurer #selfinjury #healing 

Flawed lines

i was just lying there, running my hand over my hips, feeling the changes in my body as the weight has dropped off. running my hand slowly down my thigh feeling the change in the tone and thickness of my once thicker thighs...

there's an abrupt stop.  there's a sudden change in the texture and a sullen mood washes over me.  it whisks me away from trying to embrace this new imperfect body i've been trying to improve.

it takes me to a deeper darker moment i had recently experienced and to times i had experienced in the past.  i remember the hurts and the agony that drove me there, abused me and left me for dead.  bearing my burdened weary soul to a blade. the lines, the scars, the pain tell a story of when i lost control and this was the only way to regain it.  the only way to find the peace that i know is in me  somewhere.  i just couldn't seem to find it that particular day.  so i cut.  it's not enough.  so i cut again.  i cut carefully and precisely with the appropriate amount of pressure so that i don't bleed out or need stitches.  i cut until the pain goes away.  truthfully though?  it never goes away.  it's never really gone.  it's always there lurking right below the surface of the water, waiting to pull me under and sometimes .

.

i just want it to drag me under

#recovery #hope #healing #healingthroughwriting #selfinjury #selfpreservation 

Love is painfully evident

To the girl in the car next to me bawling her eyes out,

I don't know what's going on in your life to bring you so low that you are at your emotional boiling point.  I don't know what brings you to tears.  A failed marriage?  True love escaping your grasp, and just beyond reach?  The loneliness that fills your heart in a room full of people?  Anxiety that envelopes you?  The pain that causes you to self harm?  Your gut told you and you didn't want to listen?  Why are you crying dear girl. You are loved by someone.  He LOVES you.  Immensely.

It's not the end of the world.  This is an obstacle to overcome.  Maybe the timing wasn't right, not yet.  You need to find yourself.  See what you're capable of.  Don't be afraid of the future.  You're amazing and awesome aside from whatever wrong you think you did.  You don't deserve to punish yourself anymore. Chin up. See the possibilities. Smile.

Endings many times end with a great thud.  This a beginning of something even greater.  

Shattered Glass

Today is one of those days where I feel like I've been in a fight with shattered glass.  I'm still alive, but I'm all cut up inside and out.  Physically, mentally and spiritually - cut up.  The tears stream down my cheeks, an overflow of my weary and restless soul fighting against all the feelings it's dealing with.  The stings, the burns and the pain are the only way I know I'm still alive and can still feel something.  I've found myself in a deep dark place again.  The walls are tall, black and thick.  I see no way out.  Standing here at a crossroads of broken and very broken.  Pain is all I feel.  I am hurting.  My soul is crying out.  I feel like I am on the verge of death inside.  I am a mess.

cry.

cut.

cry.

cut some more.

fix your makeup

and walk out the door.