Family Ties

This has been a painlfully long year. My family seems to have began falling apart. There have been many things said that shouldn't have been said. There have been actions taken that should not have been taken. There have been feelings hurt for reasons I don't understand. But God knows all sides of the story. I pray the Lord will empower and equip me to begin the peacemaking that has to be done.

Thank you Jesus for what you've done and you're going to do in this situation. Please instill me with the peace that I need to begin this healing process.

A fresh new way to my day

My days are usually chaotic. My mornings are a mess. What can I do? Nothing, but enlist the help of my God. In my Sunday school class yesterday, God really spoke some things to me. I have become a complacent mom, it really made me feel bad. Yes, God disciples and corrects those he loves. It was a convicting lesson. Maybe it wasn't so much the lesson, but the tangent of discussion that we usually deviate into. I love it. I learn so much just from the people around me. Prayer was a topic of discussion, also, are we being Jesus to those around us, namely our family. My short answer - no, no I'm not. I am not Jesus, and my goal and life that I lead, should be reflective of Him. My heart desires to be more like Him, my Savior.

I pray. Normally I just kinda do these small prayers throughout the day. I tend to just wake up, let my feet hit the floor, and get my day started. I have gotten away from a morning prayer time, that time of the day when I should get up and "give" my day to the Lord. This morning, in light of the SS lesson yesterday, I did that. This morning went so much better. I didnt raise my voice as much and I just did the hands-on approach to getting my kids ready for school. Instead of just expecting that they - brush teeth, comb hair, clean hands, etc.... I pray the Lord will strengthen and equip me to be the parent that He intends me to be.

Lord - thank you for your Revelation to me.

One more painting to add to the flavor of my blog...namely - "art" of my faith. This piece was done 6-18-2009. I'm starting to see a pattern here. It looks like I only paint in the summer.... go figure. Oh! It's because oil paint dries better in the heat LOL This piece was inspired by the techniques of Bob Ross, one of my most favorite artists.

Here's a rundown on my favorite artists - The who's who on who inspires me to pick up a paint brush:

My #1 Inspiration: My Gram'ma Belle - a beautiful lady with an amazing eye for painting, which she developed over many years. I grew up watching her paint, going to her studio, posing for paintings she did, dressing up in her clothes. Learning what amazing and wonderful things a person could do with paint and a little imagination. This is one of the paintings that my grandmother did before I was ever born. This piece measures a staggering 6ft long by 3ft high! It's beautiful. It's currently is hanging in the entryway in my house.

My #2 Inspiration: Vincent Van Gogh - a troubled young man, whom I can relate to in many many ways, troubled in the mind, wanted to do well, had good intentions and seemed to dive into things with an unimaginable drive! His bold use of color and harsh brush strokes showed that he was not afraid of what would come out on the canvas. He went at painting with passion! His artwork currently adorns the wall in my livingroom, along with numerous books that I display about him, his life and his art. How I love Vincent - he's my boy!

My #3 Inspiration: Bob Ross - a soft hearted, gentle spirited man with an amazing eye and easy use of the paint brush, all he was doing was looking for a gentler outlet - a time away from the harshness of his military lifestyle. Painting gave him peace. Each subject in his paintings have a personality all their own, happy little trees! He amazes me with the ease that painting came to him. A warm and talented soul. He makes me a very happy little tree indeed.

My #4 Inspiration: Claude Oscar Monet - a wealthy man in his time. He not only painted beautiful paintings, but he also tended to and maintained the gardens and subjects from which he painted. This was such a neat man. He patiently waited til the flowers bloomed and lilies blossomed so that he could paint them in all their glory and beauty. Each season had it's own surprises. My favorite painting of Monet's is the Japanese bridge at Giverny. Although I completely love all of his Waterlilies studies. There are many different paintings of the bridge at Giverny, but THIS bridge is by far one of my most favorite paintings of all time. His use of color is extraordinary. It is currently housed at the MFAH (Museum of Fine Arts Houston).

Sunday again

It's Sunday again. A day for worshiping our Awesome, Amazing, Fascinating, Holy God.
Today was the Lord's Supper at church. Today, I just could not partake of it. I couldn't bring myself to "fake" repent, or to repent in a way that was rushed and not heartfelt. I wasn't about to eat and drink judgement unto myself. That's a scary scripture - but it does make you stop and think. I have several heart issues right now. I can't seem to make myself repent just yet, but what I do know, is that I am praying that God will change these heart issues I have, and He is. Slowly but surely. As hard as it is, I know it's exactly what should happen. I never intend on entering into something for a short term, and I hate when outside things interfere with my heart. I know that every heartache that touches my life, has to go through Your hands.
My prayer life is lacking somewhat...I am not devoting enough time to God to be filled by Him, His word, His Spirit. I don't have a set devotional time. I try to keep in fellowship and keep company with Him all throughout the day. Maybe I should take a few minutes each morning before the day starts and just be alone with God my Father.
Lord, please help me to be as crazy in love with you as you are with me. That I too may be as smitten with you as you are with me. Thank you Jesus for being the Lover of My Soul.

Love - your daughter

My lastest pieces

These two paintings were done in July 2010. They are inspired by an artist named Tim Gagnon. Check him out on youtube, you'll be blown away! There is a 3rd one to this series, that has NOT been done yet. The same colors are used in both paintings, only done in reverse. The 3rd one in this set will also use the same 3 base colors. Hoping to get her completed soon.

I have been drawing all my life. I began private art lessons about age 11. I love to work with all different kinds of media..... my preference - OIL! I work with pastels, watercolor and acrylics, crayons and markers too, but oil is by far my favorite, it's so blendable, but it's not very forgiving, not when it's wet anyway. Enjoy!

The one thing I feared

So I have found myself sitting in the one place I feared. Not that I fear the people, just that I fear the assignment. I am leading/facilitating a bible study on Wednesday nights. This was the one place that I never anticipated being.

Since the events of the last few has finally calmed down and the air seems to have somewhat cleared, I am still serving the people I love, God's ladies, not in the capacity that thought I would be, but I'm gladly serving. This last month has been majorly rough on me mentally and physically too (I am just fatigued). If this is the place God has called me to be, right now, to serve His ladies, then I will be there.

I truly do enjoy the ladies that God has allowed me to spend my Wednesday nights with. We get to discuss God's word, and learn more about Him and ultimately deepen our relationship with Him. I sometimes feel that the ladies are not getting all they can out of the class though. I wish there was something else to do that would liven it up. That each lady could walk away knowing that they can definately make it through the rest of the week, because they have been encouraged by the Word of God and that they got to know Him a little bit more. I don't feel, (this is just me), that I do lessons any justice. Although, it's not up to me, it's up to God to move and work in the heart of each person. I pray for his anointing on the ladies that participate in this class. I love them and God loves them even more than I can imagine.

I am blessed to be in the presence of great company with a bunch of ladies with a ♥ for God.

Before and After....

Before: August 25, 2009 - 232 lbs, size 18-20, t-shirts 2XL

It's really crazy how we see ourselves, what we feel we look like and then.....what we actually look like. I was completely oblivious at how I looked. I always felt like a thinner person was inside of me. I wanted to feel good about myself. I've just always seemed to have a weight problem. Pre-children I was 200 lbs, but I was pretty comfortable with who I was. After having 2 children and never getting rid of the weight, or should I say yo-yoing up and down the scale, give or take 10 lbs. I never could get motivated enought to want to do anything about it. I didn't feel attractive to myself or anyone else for that matter, and how in the world could I possibly be attractive to my husband. Utter sadness and shock struck our life in Aug 2009, my mother-in-love, whom I loved dearly, went home to be with Jesus. It was then, that worry and concern for my childrens future set it. I wanted to make sure that I was part of their future. I want to be here to see them grow up. I do believe I was on the verge of becoming diabetic, my sugar levels were up and down - never really high, but certainly borderline. I became concern with heart failure, as this is what ultimately took my mother-in-love away from us. Aside from her passing, congestive heart failure and diabetes runs in my family on my mothers side. It's a life taker, a silent killer. My mother suffers from congestive heart failure and had a double bypass in 2003. This really should have set me off then, but like I said, the motivation for me was not there. Unfortunately it took the death of someone, to make me want to live better. My mother is now at age 55, and she has been on dialysis for almost a year.... next month.... did I mention she is 55? She went into renal failure last February after suffering another heart attack. It has been extremely difficult to watch her go through all this. It's been hard emotionally and mentally, even on me. Sometimes I wasn't even sure how to approach her. But I know, God holds her in his hands, just like He does with me. These things have for sure been a wake up call for me and my hubby. He's just obsessed now! We began realizing that before you know it, we'll be the only ones our kids have. We have to be here, Lord willing.

I share all of this in hopes that one day it will come as help to someone else.

After: This is the best part! Here I am now, taken on Jan 14, 2011 197.5 lbs, in a size 14! T-shirt size L (which i thought would never happen!)

I am a much happier person, I feel SOOOO much better about myself. I am not hiding behind frumpy hideous oversized clothes anymore. I am wearing things that I thought... "I'll NEVER wear that" - I love the newer sized me. Although, I am not done. I still have a goal weight of 175.... only 22.5 lbs away. I know I can do it. It's going to take some more time, but I will do it. My goal is not to actually hit a certain weight - it's a certain "feel". How I feel about myself, how I feel in my clothes, how I feel overall. I am very proud of myself. I tried very hard to do it the right way. Eating a healthier choice of foods, a lot of fresh veggies and fruits, a raw food diet. No Cokes! Drink mostly water. Calorie counting, I can't even begin to tell you how important that is - and I know it sounds like complete lunacy.... but counting your calories really helps. Our bodies need a certain amount of "fuel" to get through the day. If we start starving ourselves, then the body stores up, instead of getting rid of. This makes us gain weight. It never made any sense to me whatsoever, until I'd seen it for myself.

I use a website www.livestrong.com - on this site you can track the foods you eat (even restaurant food), exercise, set calorie goals, water intake, etc. I highly recommend it. Here's some real food for thought..... knowlegde IS power! Get to know what you are putting in your body and it will start to repulse you, literally, you won't want to eat it. You'll learn just how much fat and salt and cholesterol and sugar you are consuming in a day and how much of it is contained in everything we eat! It's crazy. Cook Fresh, Eat Fresh!

Welcome to the Jungle

Warning and disclaimer: this is MY blog, these are MY feelings. If you don't like MY feelings... then DON'T READ them. I am strongly grounded in my Christian faith, but I still struggle with not so nice feelings.

Welcome to the jungle, this is where evil lurks in the dark and around every corner. Waiting to pounce on you, and eat you alive. It's comes to kill, steal and destroy. It wants to take your joy and your reason for living. It wants you to doubt everything and lose heart in everyone. It makes you turn your eyes away from the One you should be focusing on - Jesus Christ. EVIL SUCKS!

My life can be likened to a rollercoaster ride of emotions lately. The funny thing is that people can say whatever they'd like to, but it doesn't make it true. Even when you know it's not true, it's still hurts that people can and will betray you - no matter where you are. I stepped down from doing something I loved, in hopes to keep the peace. I don't like drama, confusion or chaos or fakeness! When I felt God was calling me back to what I had just resigned from... the response was less than what I had thought it would be. I got the feeling that maybe I was wanted out of that particular thing. Praying about something is great, if you actually do it, and mean it. Don't tell me you're going to pray about something, as an excuse to hold me off. It has been so hard. I feel so betrayed. I feel like no one had the nerve to come talk to me about the issues at hand. Instead of hearing from me, they assumed, which in turn makes an a** out of u and me. My feelings are raw, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I say what I think for the most part.
I feel myself pulling away, which of course is exactly where the evil one wants me. I refuse to let him get foothold on me. I am desperately trying to cling to Jesus through this crazy ride, I am trying to keep my focus on Him, because it's not about me or mixed up emotions. It's about Him and I know He can get me through it. I am angry, hurt and confused, but I am NOT angry at Jesus, hurt by Jesus or confused about Jesus at all. I am not pulling away from him. He will never leave me not forsake me, therefore, I will not leave or forsake Him.

I've been reading Song of Solomon lately (very good book too!) I feel like the young lover (me) who is searching for her lover (God) and goes to find him, seeking him in the night and she ends up being beaten by the night watchmen (aka - the villains in this story), because they think she is NOT who she says she is. Her (my) heart is totally in the right place, but others are doubting me. Thats alright, thank God, He knows my heart, even when I don't.

I pray for the peace that surpasses all understanding to flood my heart and my mind, Lord, and that I will keep my eyes firmly focused on you - The Lover of my Soul.

Yes, I do!

I proudly proclaim that

I BELONG to the Lord...... Isaiah 44:5

and that's all I have to say

about that!

Isaiah totally rocks the word!!

♥ BFF ♥

I had the most wonderful time yesterday. I had a date with my best friend, Tiffany Ann. This is not something we get to do very often, but we should certainly make it a point to do it more frequently. It's such a blessing to have someone to confide in, to share all your deep dark secrets and all the things that tick you off, someone who will listen, someone who will cry with you, laugh with you, a person who will tell you when you're wrong - lovingly, someone to put make-up on and share perfume with. We are such nerds we even to played Super Mario Bros with each other on our DS's at the tire place - that's true friendship LOL. Laughter is so healing to the soul. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful/beautiful best friend.

All of that.... for this.

God is so faithful, and even I am not faithful to Him. I feel as though I have been going through the ringer lately. My emotions are everywhere and on top of that my selfish tendencies seem to take over. I find myself becoming someone that I know God does not approve of, doing things He does not like and even through all that - He loves me regardless. I have had to search my heart a lot in these last few days, all the while seeking Him as well. Waiting for an answer to come, crying over the way I feel, pleading to Him to please fix this - even at the point of yelling at him, reverently, of course. God knows my heart, why shouldn't I be honest. Sometimes we are called to be the bigger person and not point any fingers at anyone, even to the point of apologizing when we dont feel we've done nothing wrong. Not everyone knows the whole story. I just want to keep the peace. I don't deal well with conflict. I have enough conflict within myself that I don't need any outside influences.

I am so grateful to God that he keeps him promises and humbles me, so that I may hear his voice more clearly.




I thank you Lord for showing me the way.